Season 5 Episode 6 Critical Condition

I always think that Carrie cannot get more self absorbed and then she goes and does something so beyond what she's done before that I'm flummoxed.  Case in point, this episode.

Carrie's book has been reviewed!  And despite it being a very well-rounded, rave review, she's completely stuck on the last sentence ("a world where men are disposable") and cannot get the fuck over herself.

1- Carrie you said yourself in an early season that men are disposable.

2- Get a goddamn hobby, woman. And stop obsessing over shit you can't change.  It's exhausting.

3- Your friends' lives are much more interesting than yours, so the rest of this snark will be dedicated to them.

And yes, I know it's my choice to subject myself to this nonsense and it is, indeed stuff I can't change.  Shall we Carrie on?

OH SHIT. This is the episode with the face girl.  Fuck, I forgot.

Carrie. you ruined Aiden's fucking life with your shit,  You deserve more than a "face girl" to haunt you.

There, now let's move on with the episode.

---

Miranda is finally starting to look realistic, shall we say.  She can't get any sleep, she can't get any showering, she can't get her hair done.  The reality of having a colicky baby is catching up to her.

Charlotte and Carrie are supportive.

 "This thirteen pound meatloaf is pushing me over the edge.  I feel disgusting.  All my clothes smell like barf.  I don't have time to shower, much less get a haircut."

Sam, as expected, is completely unsympathetic.  Sam is unintentionally bragging about her own hair cut and color.  oop.

I mean, on one hand I totally get Sam's lack of sympathy-- Miranda chose to do this to herself, and it's not up to Sam to pick up Miranda's life for her and help her out.  But ya know, they are friends and it starts to be rude when you flaunt your amazing single -do what you want- life in front of people who don't have that ability for one reason or another.

Charlotte wants to go with Miranda to help-- but mostly to ask some questions about the divorce stuff.

Miranda is happy to help, she asks who Charlotte got as her lawyer.  Miranda says that he's tough.

"But is he tough enough to beat Bunny to a pulp?"  Charlotte asks, uncharacteristically.. you know what though, Charlotte is so very feisty, I daresay this is her personality. XD

Charlotte meets with her lawyer in the next scene.  He's dangerously sexy and Charlotte can't be as mean as she wants to be in front of him.

But enter stage right, a slightly pudgy bald man enters loudly. He's the other lawyer at this firm.  He's shouting about bagels "who the hell ordered blueberry bagels?" and Charlotte is smitten.  Ok, she's not.  And that's the point. She decides to switch to the other lawyer.

Two things.  I LOVE blueberry bagels.  fucking delicious.  And the second thing, it's HARRY!  The best guy on the show.

In Sam's story line.. she's got real problems.

She decides to indulge herself in a wonderful night in with her vibrator.  Nice.  Only, it's stopped!  It makes a sad little sound before it completely died. well, shoot.

And for some reason she returns it.  Just... no.  you don't return vibrators, regardless of their warranty.  That's just unhygienic. 

At the Sharper Image much later on in the episode, there's a whole display of vibrators and the guy working there keeps calling them neck massagers.

It's actually a funny scene, cause  Sam knows what's what and the ladies around the -neck massager- display defer to her and her infinite wisdom.

"I think that one -is- a neck massager" one of them says.

"Not if you mount it." Sam replies.

And I think I recognize some of these women from earlier seasons-- I think some of them were interviewees.  I used to adore that segment.  Sometimes it was awkward, but mostly they were funny.

--

Meanwhile, Miranda's in hell.  Not the self help aisle, or even a party full of couples.  She's at home and her little bundle is not so joyful.  It's 3 am the child won't shut the fuck up.  There's the doorbell chime and Miranda goes to see who it is.

It's her neighbor. "4-D"

"It's 2:30am. You gotta stop that baby from crying."

"I said I was sorry, but I have a baby and sometimes babies make noise. That's what they do."

"I know that.  I have a baby, too. And if you ever bothered to say hello in the elevator, you'd know that."

OUCH.  Now THIS is a face girl. XD

Miranda is on the phone with Carrie the next morning.  I'm going to pretend that Carrie is distracting Miranda from her real problems with Carrie's fake ones.

"Can I wear a baseball cap to work?" Miranda asks Carrie.

"With what shoes?"

"Oh my god," Carrie has a moment of self-awareness, "I'm going on about [NYT book reviewer] when you have real problems."

Carrie then asks to obsess for another minute.  And it's a minute too far for Miranda.  She's fallen asleep at her bathroom vanity.  Poor Miranda.  Fuck. And Carrie IS STILL GOING ON ABOUT HER NONSENSE.

"Do you think that Aiden thinks that I think he was disposable?"

NO, CARRIE.  You pretended you liked this man, led him on for TWO YEARS.  You accepted his engagement ring, you had him BUY YOUR APARTMENT and the one next door, THEN YOU WAITED UNTIL HE HAD MADE A GD HOLE IN THE WALL BEFORE YOU TOLD HIM YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY WANT TO MARRY HIM AND DIDN'T WANT TO ACCEPT HIS LIFE INTO YOURS.

 

HEY! now I'M the face girl.

Miranda has had it almost as far as I have with this bullshit.  She tells Carrie to go call her friend Samantha, cause Miranda doesn't have time for it.  She's exhausted and Sam is out there flaunting all that sleep she gets.  What a bitch.

"If she could maybe just once acknowledge the fact that I've had a baby.  It's not enough I've alienated my neighbor. Now I'm alienating my friends." Miranda whines justifiably.

"You're not alienating anyone."  Carrie lies.

"Tell that to 4-D.  She's pissed off I don't know her name.  Do you know your neighbor's names?"

"Please."

"I'm a bad neighbor and a bad mother."  oh Miranda.  fuck.  Did it get dusty in here?  I just want to wrap her up in a big hug.  It's so hard being a new mom-- let alone one without support.

Carrie actually offers to help, Miranda lies and says that just offering helps.  

"Why do we believe our worst reviews?" Writer Carrie Asks.

I dunno, Carrie.  I wrote a whole thing making this about -me- but I do wonder if I'm the weird one.  I don't surround myself with people who would judge me and say shitty things about me to my face.  Ok, there was one.  Once.

But I cut that person out of my life and let it go.

That's why I am bringing it up now, cause I've let it go.

Sometimes I think friend break ups are harder than couple break ups.  I'm not sure though.

Anyway.

Miranda is facing a jury of her peers.  She's come out of the elevator with her screaming child.  She's facing, oh, 7 of her neighbors who are also mothers with their assorted strollers.  None of them have the greasy haired look of a new mom.  Now, to be fair, Miranda -could- have showered instead of listening to Carrie carry on about her stupid problems.

The moms there are just watching her struggle with her stroller, completely untouched by it.  I doubt all of them can hear Brady carry on at night, but it looks like 4-D has caught them all up on the hot goss.

In a move of pure kindness, 4-D comes to Miranda's rescue.  She brings her the Chair.  It's a vibrating bouncy sort of thing, and as soon as Brady is put into the thing and it's turned on, he finally shuts the fuck up.

4-D, uh, Kendall, tells Miranda that she's not a bad mother, "You just didn't have the chair."  And it's so fucking true-- Miranda doesn't have that support network yet, and it's really hard when you've never been a mom or around children to know what's what.  I mean, even at her own baby shower she didn't know what a breast pump was.

Carrie, meanwhile, has told Sam what a heinous bitch she's been toward Miranda.  Sam is touched and decides to give her cut and color appointment to Miranda.  Brilliant.

"I can't believe it!" Miranda screams as she's leaving for the appointment.

"Well, neither can I, but here I am, Mary Fucking Poppins."

"The numbers are on the fridge... don't take him out of the chair, it's the only thing that keeps him quiet.  And don't call boys." Miranda jokes, but honestly, smart. XD

 Sam, alone with the 13 pound meatloaf, looks down imperiously at Brady in the chair and says "you don't look so bad."

JUST AS THE CHAIR BREAKS.  GOLD.

The face ingredients Sam is giving off are wonderful as the screams begin.

Carrie's at home browsing TV channels when she sees the face girl's name (talent executive for SNL) and starts spinning all over the place.  She's nuts.

She calls Sam to speculate about whether the face girl is spreading her nonsense all over SNL and I'm just tired. This is so stupid.  What difference does it make?

For one, what are the odds that she'll meet and befriend talent from SNL? For two, SHE WROTE THAT SHIT IN HER BOOK ANYWAY.  Or she will in the consecutive books, I think book one was all about Big, as we find out in the next episode.

She picks the absolute worst time to call Sam either way. She's knee deep in screaming baby and is having none of Carrie's bullshit.

"You can't be serious." Sam says.

 "Don't get me wrong. I don't flatter myself that Gwyneth Paltrow or Ian McKellen would be interested in my love life." Then she pauses cause she can hear Brady screaming, "Are you at a zoo?"

"No.  Thanks to you, I'm at Miranda's and Brady won't stop screaming and I don't know what to do."  SUPPORTIVE FRIEND IS SUPPORTIVE.  FUCK.  SHE'S THE BEST CHARACTER ON THE SHOW.

"That was nice."

"Yes, and now I'm being punished." alas, poor Sam.  No good deed goes unpunished, as they say.

Carrie speculates what could be wrong with the child.

"His problem is he's an asshole."  Best line in the episode.  It's true.  Sometimes babies are assholes.

"Maybe you should call Miranda." 

"I will not. It took me months to get that appointment, someone should benefit."  FUCKIN' A.  SHE'S THE BEST CHARACTER ON THE SHOW.

"I have to find someway to keep this baby quiet. Goodbye." Sam says.

"No wait, what about Nina?"  Carrie cannot be fucking serious right now.

"Maybe Charlotte has the time to talk about this kind of stuff; I have a screaming baby on my hands."

Bravo!

When Miranda comes home, the baby is quiet.  "Well, that's better!" Sam says to a fresh-haired Miranda.

"Is everything OK?" She asks.

"Absolutely! The chair thing broke, but you know, shit happens."

"The chair broke!"Miranda is gobsmacked.

Sam has placed the new -neck massager- next to Brady and switched it on.  Improvisation!  Rule number 1 for motherhood (you know, after don't break the baby)!

"That thing better be brand new." Miranda cautions.

--

At Charlotte's end, she's in mediation going against Bunny.

Harry is fighting real good for her, but it's her word against a very fat stack of pre-nups and other paper works.

Also Bunny herself is tearing into Charlotte and it isn't pretty at all.  Poor Charlotte.

"Charlotte couldn't fight anymore.  It seemed to her she'd been fighting for this marriage forever." Narrator Carrie helps.

Finally, at the last hour, they receive a telegram from Scotland, from Trey who has kindly reviewed Charlotte and given her the apartment ("everything she wants") and Bunny insists "Just the apartment." but that's good enough for her.

A whole apartment, an ex-MIL who has nothing more to say to her, and a lovely review from an ex.

Charlotte does walk up to Bunny as she's leaving and apologizes for things not working better, but Bunny has none of it and rudely leaves.

"Charlotte realizes there was no such thing as a fairy-tale divorce either." oh, what a lovely arc she had.

"Ding dong the witch is dead." Harry jokes to Charlotte.

---

Carrie goes so far as to reach out to Steve to mollify herself about the face girl.

Steve is sitting there with his basketball thinking that it's about Miranda and their baby but no,

"How does Aiden feel about me?"

"Ah jeez, no, you're not going to try to get back together with him are you?"

"No, but that pretty much answers any questions I had about how you feel."

Steve sort of lays into her and tells her how horrible the break up was for Aiden.  He couldn't get out of bed for a month.  "I brought him chicken wings."

"A MONTH!"

"He was devastated!  He lost his ability to open up and trust women."

Carrie mocks Steve for saying that, but what the fuck did you expect, Carrie after what you did.  I won't go into it again.  Let's move on.

--

Carrie ends up GOING OUT IN PUBLIC TO TRY TO RUN INTO THE FACE GIRL.

It's so fucking pathetic.  This is Natasha all over again.  The only person you need to rationalize yourself to is yourself.

Even Stanford, who has gone with her, is like "Why? You know what you and Aiden had."

And EVEN STANFORD HAS HAD ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE.  He asks how Carrie feels about Marcus, his boyfriend, and Carrie can barely interrupt her train of nonsense thoughts to say "nice" and Stanford just lays into her about it, too.

"OK, stop.  I am done. I've listened to you talk about Aiden for what ten blocks, and two years? And I've been a wonderful audience. And I ask you about Marcus and all I get is "nice?"

Carrie apologizes and they make up.  She says that she's happy that Marcus makes him happy. Good stuff.

But there, interrupting the rave review, face girl is there with Heather Graham.  Heather Graham has crazy eyes, I love her.

Heather Graham gives Carrie the face.  It's spreading. XD  Stanford invites Heather Graham to go get a pretzel together to give Carrie some alone time with the face girl.

And uh... Carrie goes on and on to the face girl about Aiden and break ups and it's fucking weird and pathetic and awful.

oh, but Narrator Carrie realizes at the final hour that it's not the face girl she's worried about, it's herself.

Yeah fucking right, it's the face girl.

Season 5 episode 5 Plus One is the Loneliest Number

This episode is bittersweet.  Carrie meets someone but he has a girlfriend but also, he's literally the Worst guy for her.  Miranda plans a second date with a guy from B.C. (before child) and doesn't tell him that she's had a sprog, and Sam fucks up her face.  Charlotte is also there.

The episode begins and there's one of those famous narrative twists-- Narrator Carrie is talking about the one day even every cynical New York woman dreams of. Anthony, the stylist friend of Charlotte's, is talking about white, everything needs to be white!

But no, it's her book release party! Carrie conveniently drops the invite on the floor so we can all be caught up in case we missed the last episode where she decided on the cover to aforementioned book.

"This is a sexy event, so don't be afraid to use color" Sam chides Anthony for making it sound like a -wedding of all things.-

So they decide on hot pink.  Sex and the City brand hot pink.

"PINK!" Anthony shouts.

--

Oh hey! Miranda is back in the office-- politically incorrectly happy to be there-- I like this plot line a lot.  There are a LOT of women out there who definitely want to have kids, but also want to have a career.  Having Miranda be happy to get back to her day job is important representation!

She gets a call from someone she met up with when she was early pregnant-- like, before she was showing so she could still date. (and fuck!) and oh boy, their conversation is pretty hot here.  He asks what's new with her, and she... doesn't mention the child.  Now this is a plot I can't really get behind, but ya know, conflict is good.  This probably won't bite her in the ass.

She invites him to Carrie's book party!

I'm just going to skip forward and finish off her story cause it's funny and I'm already halfway through it.

So, Miranda and this guy really hit it off at the book party, so much so that she invites him back to her place. (she does warn him about the baby before this happens)  The baby, unfortunately, wakes up right in the middle of them going at it and Miranda calls out "Mommy's coming! Mommy's COMING!" and it's the kind of humor that's just so fucking awkward.  You either laugh or you cry, and sometimes you do both. The guy, reasonably, just totally loses his hard on.  "I don't do kids."  and he leaves.

She has to confront the child and realizes that her life cannot be the same now that he's there.  Not to say that she won't be able to date and move forward, but that it'll be different. For better or worse.

--

Carrie's at a meeting with her publisher, Amy Sedaris, who is Very Excited about this party.  Apparently everyone in New York is going to be there and it's going to be a smashing success.  Very nice.  Good for her.

Then who should walk in the door but the very bottom of the barrel, the worst boyfriend Carrie has on the show (and I'm counting the jazz musician here), Jack Berger. Henceforth, Carrie calls him Berger, but I imagine it's spelled Burger.  You're welcome.

"Did you finish your second book?" Amy Sedaris asks Burger.

"No, my suicide note." he dryly jokes. "Would you like a save the date card?" he pithily asks Carrie and for some reason she's charmed by this.

Now, I love dry humor-- I even love humor about suicide. Why not?  And uh, this guy.. he's just Peter from Office Space. Ron Livingston just plays himself over and over.  Which is fine, but he's the LAST person I imagine getting on with someone like Carrie.

He's bitter.  Bitter man is bitter.

He's bitter that she's never heard of him as an author, and he's just bitter.  He wrote a book for men the way that Sex and the City is a book/column for women.  "Except men don't buy hilarious comic novels.  That's the flaw in the plan."

"What's your book?" Carrie is giving him so much more grace than I would if I just met him and I were her.

"Half-off.  That's what it's called now."  Carrie is in a very good mood, and encourages this behavior. "Sometimes it's 75 cents on a card table on Sixth avenue." he continues the joke.

 (I know, I'm being HARSH.  This guy is hilarious and I would definitely get along with him, but I am not Carrie)

Amy Sedaris *also* doesn't know that (spoilers) Burger has a girlfriend, and she tells them they should "talk" and connect because Burger's been through the whole shebang.

They do go out for MacArnolds. Carrie's drinking a strawberry shake.  I don't think they offer those anymore.  boo.  Burger is hitting pigeons with fries.  (Well, now I'm imagining he's just a big talking burger head on a body. tossing french fries at pigeons)

  

pictured: Jack Burger

He mimes typing: "Did the man have a little repressed anger? or did he just dislike pigeons? The woman wondered." He's now making fun of Narrator Carrie.  Hey! THAT'S MY JOB.

"I'm not really bitter." Burger lies, "I'm just trying it on for size."

"I think it fits." Carrie says.

"Yeah. It's a little tight in the crotch."

Carrie's shocked face is LOUD.  it's funny.  You know, maybe they should end up together.  XD

"You're saying 'crotch' to me? We just met."  Hey Carrie, he also asked if you wanted to read his SUICIDE NOTE.

"Long in the sleeve?" he tries.

"Not as funny."

"See that?  It had to be crotch."

He's giving me real Chandler vibes here.  I hate to see what happens when the humor stops.

He chides her for ordering strawberry shake because only children like that.  "You have so much to learn about women." She jokes back.  "yeah, that's what a few reviewers said."  The bitterness, it is palpable.

He offers a hand when he stands up, and it's real nice.  gentlemanly.  She's already planning the seven kids she's going to have with him.  but oh, the bomb is coming.

He picks up a card off the pavement.  It's a found playing card.  He collects them.  "I'm hoping to get a full deck. Insert obvious joke here. and I didn't have a two of hearts. It's a good day."

Oh, Carrie looks so happy on this non-date-first-date.  Everybody hold on to something.

She takes the plunge and asks him to her book party as her plus-one.

:sharp intake of breath:

"I would love that... but my girlfriend's parents are coming to visit and they're staying with us."

oh, Carrie.  Men are shit.

--

"It was like a bomb that just kept exploding." Carrie says to the foursome during their usual. "I have a girlfriend. We live together. This whole flirtation's in your head." 

"He should have mentioned her earlier." Charlotte is right for once.

Sam replies, "But not too early, I hate it when men do that. *'I have a girlfriend'* Calm down! I just asked if that seat was taken."  I think that both genders are guilty of that one.  Also, that line is funny coming from *her* cause you know if he didn't have a girlfriend and he was cute, she'd.. uh, you know Sam.

Charlotte says what I'm thinking, "That guy's a jerk!"

Carrie is in denial. "Thing is I don't think he is.  I sparked with this person. I never spark."  Oh, Carrie.  "I wonder how happy they are." She says in the wicked other-woman voice. "This is not a good side of me."

She asks what's the point of meeting someone like that if they're not available, and Charlotte says that it means the universe is telling them they're still out there!

"Maybe it's the universe telling you all the good ones are taken." Miranda is right.

Sam is trying to get Carrie to get out of her funk.  Everyone's going to be celebrating her at her big book party, which is a huge deal, and she shouldn't focus on how she doesn't have a boyfriend. She invites Carrie for a "little mani-pedi-botox (as if Everyone Does that!)" and then says she'll be her plus one.  Supportive friend is supportive. Sam tries to mash in the point that it doesn't make her less-than to not have a "plus-one."

And that's the point of the episode. "Why does one minus a plus one feels like it adds up to zero?" Writer Carrie writes in her little laptop.

(I have to mention before I move forward here that Miranda does talk about how she didn't tell her date that she had a baby, and the conversation is quite funny, but it also makes Miranda out to be the worst character on the show this week, but I already talked about that.)

--

Sam is doing the good work of normalizing botox.  She wasn't wrong when she said that everybody would be doing it in the future.  On the other side, I've never done that, probably won't.  but it definitely has become WAY more widespread since 2002.  Holy shit, this season is 20 years old. fuck me.

A nurse tells her that she might have to tell people that she is so angry because her face won't make expressions the way they normally do.  The plastic surgeon man tells the nurse that Sam is an old pro and knows this already.  Then he looks sadly upon Samantha's face.  And she looks at him in abject horror. "New ones?" she asks like it's cancer.  He nods solemnly.  The whole scene is funny.  She's like 45 here?  get a grip.  Surgeon asks, "Before we do the botox, have you thought about a freshening chemical peel?"

She decides to get a chemical peel on a whim.  Oh, Sam.

sidenote: I've watched a small amount of plastic surgery shows on youtube, reaction videos by Luxeria mostly, and there was a chemical peel in one of the shows she reacted to.  It was a whole thing.  Lady was put under anesthesia, even. I think it might have been a stronger chemical than Sam here gets, but still, I don't think chemical peels are things just thrown around in plastic surgeon's offices.  I don't know though.  My understanding is limited, it's not something I've ever looked into doing.

Her face looks... bad.  It looks horrifying.  Her face is peeled off.

But, it's the night of the party and she promised Carrie she'd be her plus one, so she's determined.  she puts on her ointment and a pair of large fancy earrings and cries in pain, but goes to party.

(she puts on a hat with a heavy veil first)

At the party, Carrie is bemused by the veil.  She makes a joke about Sam being a beekeeper, but that cries out when Sam unveils her face. "Veil down I think!"

Back in time:

Carrie goes out to lunch before the party. She runs into Enid, her editor at Vogue.  In case you forgot she did a few writings for Vogue on the side.  (I totally did, I need to rewatch this show like woah). The interaction is awkward AF.

Enid and Carrie are both out alone, just two single ladies having lunch.  Carrie invites Enid to join her, and Enid is like, fucking really?  and Carrie insists. For some reason.  Neither of them are comfortable in this interaction.

They run out of shit to talk real quick.  But then, Enid gives a little and admits that the man she's seeing lives in the neighborhood.

"Oh, so there's a man." Carrie is trying to be fun and cute, but Enid doesn't give her an inch.

"Yes. There is a man."

"Well, that's great.  You have a wildly successful career and a relationship. I was worried we women only get one or the other, but you have it all!"  oh, Carrie.  Enid stares at her like she's a bug.

"Enid you gotta give me something here.  I'm working my ass off."  Carrie, you made this whole thing super awkward.  Neither of you wanted to eat together but you insisted.  But, whatever.

Enid finally gives a little bit. "All right. To speak in magazine copy, yes, I have it all... on the East Side.  He has someone else on the West Side.  Luckily the park provides a buffer."  Then she continues on, that she doesn't have time for a man and a career.  (and yet, He has time for a career and two women.  what the actual fuck?)

Due to this revelation, Carrie invites Enid to her book party (honestly, why wasn't she invited already? everyone at Vogue should have been).

At book party, Enid shows -some- humanity.  Apparently this man that she was seeing was also at the party, with the other woman.  And Enid panics at Carrie to her befuddlement.  Schadenfreude? Carrie still thinks that some women are perfect?  I don't know.  it's funny though.  For how closed off Enid is, she sure can panic over boys like normal women.  or something.

Somewhere between then and party, Charlotte has sex! GO CHARLOTTE!

And Bunny walks in to her apartment. Uninvited. With her own key.  That has a key chain in the shape of a bunny.

Apparently Bunny has been keeping tabs on Charlotte, having the co-op board and doormen whisper about her escapades.  It's so funny, cause Charlotte has been separated from Trey for 8 months or so?  And this is the first time she's fucked since then.

Bunny is there to not only slut-shame Charlotte and run Charlotte's date off, but also to inform her that "...the apartment remains in the MacDougal name whereas you, Charlotte York, do not."

Charlotte tries to physically push Bunny out of the apartment, and Bunny says "don't you hustle me out, young lady, this is Chanel."

Oh, but she is extremely hateful.  Trey *did* give Charlotte the apartment, and now Charlotte's fairy tale *divorce* is going about as well as her fairy tale marriage did.  That is to say, it's going to be a fight.

Charlotte whines to Carrie on the phone, lamenting about how Anthony is going to be her plus one at the party.  Also to tell her about the locksmith she's hired because "Bunny's back."

Oh, in this little interlude before the party, Sam does tell Carrie on the phone that she's had -something- done and probably shouldn't come.  Carrie insists that she do, so she can see a familiar face, but mostly cause Carrie doesn't have a plus one.  FFS Carrie.  (also, I love the "familiar face" line said over Sam who's had a chemical peel and, indeed, doesn't actually have a familiar face at the moment.)

Stanford also calls to brag about how he has a plus-one and it's Marcus, the dancer from the last episode.  Carrie whines that gay guys are supposed to be the straight girl's safety net plus-one.. and gross.  They aren't a handbag, they are people too.  fuck.  But this is just to say that Stanford despises Anthony but is at least glad that Anthony is bringing a girl as a date and Stanford is bringing a boyfriend so he's better? XD

--

There's not really a lot to say about the party this whole episode was built around.  It's perfect (minus Sam's top layer of face skin).  Everyone's there, it's a whole thing.  Good for her.

I love Carrie's hair. Fifth season hair is the best hair.

Her hair this season gave inspiration (and hope) for curly girls everywhere.

There's a scene at the party where Stanford is bragging about Marcus in front of Anthony, and it's funny.  "And he has a large penis!" he shouts as Anthony walks away toward the shrimp waiter.

--

Later on, Burger shows up to the party.  He's bitter.  Still. "My book party could've fit in the coat check of your book party."

He tells her that she looks great and he says good luck with the book and stuff.  It's actually extremely awkward.  He shouldn't have shown up at all.  This flirtation is bad.  Morally repugnant.

The show is jamming them together like Barbie dolls.

At the end of the night, Carrie is alone.  She takes a seat next to Charlotte and whines again how she's alone and Burger was cute.

"I had to let him go, right?" She asks Charlotte. I have to sit through this entire relationship she's going to have with Burger and I'm not only not looking forward to it, I also keep forgetting that she actually likes him so this is weird for me.  Bear with me.

Charlotte says the most astute thing she's probably ever said on the show:

"The thing is, there's some things people don't admit because they just don't like the way it sounds. Like, 'I'm getting divorced.'"

"I'm lonely." Carrie replies. "The loneliness is palpable."

Well, there you go, admitting the truth and bringing everyone down, man.

This is where Enid shows up horrified because the other man is at the party. She says to Carrie dead-pan "I am so angry." because she just got botox and that was a cute joke I literally never noticed until now. Joke of the week!

Carrie is upset because her role model just showed that she can't keep it together in the face of love either.  Really, Carrie?  Enid?  Your role model?  She's NOTHING like you.  And I don't think she's very likable either.  fuck.

"Just below the surface," Narrator Carrie explains, "we're all raw and exposed." gross.

--

At the end of the night, Carrie takes a limo ride with a Very Excitable Driver.  Carrie wants to go home, but Very Excitable Driver insists that she celebrate her big party and her book coming out.  She takes her to get hot dogs at Papaya's, the other famous hot dog joint in New York.  She tells her how fantastic Carrie is for writing a book.  Carrie should totally adopt this woman into her foursome.  Supportive friends are hard to come by.

But anyway, Carrie realizes that it *is* amazing that she wrote a book, and she shouldn't let what she doesn't have dampen her spirits.

On the way back in the limo she sees a found playing card face-up on the ground.  It's a Jack of hearts.  VERY SUBTLE, SHOW.

She leaves it on the ground, but Narrator Carrie says "Then again, maybe there is something to knowing that they're out there."

And that's the episode.

Cheers!

Season 5 Episode 4 Cover Girl

Content Warning: This episode talks a bit about diet and diet culture and weight loss after baby

On to the episode!

First thought: Easy Breezy Beautiful, Cover Girl!

How to tell someone has watched Way too many episodes of ANTM Way too many times.

My second thought is that I haven't seen these episodes in so fucking long I had to read the synopsis to refresh my memory.  oop.

Memory unlocked. Actually, this episode explores some topics that can be, uh difficult, but as usual for this era of this show, the writing is tight.  The writing is so tight, that not only are they discussing quick judgements and how harmful they can be, Carrie is literally choosing a cover for her own book.  A play on "don't judge a book by its cover."

 A few episodes ago, Carrie was offered a book deal.  They want to turn a series of her columns into book form. And in this episode, they need to find the perfect cover for it.

Her contacts from the publisher are Molly Shannon and Amy Sedaris.  They are hilarious.   The first thing they do is present her with a cover where Carrie's face is photoshopped onto a very naked body that is running down a busy New York street.

"No! oh. I'm sorry that just came out." Carrie says.The publicists are dismayed.  They are glad she has a strong reaction, but the reaction shouldn't have been no.

"No matter how fast paced the city, I always manage to get my clothes on before I leave the apartment."

They are fucked.  Well, they say they're fucked.  and Carrie feels guilty so she tries again, looks at it and says "No, no. Absolutely not, I would sooner die."

--

The foursome make a trip to Barnes and Noble where Carrie is being an absolutely judgemental cow.  She points at various books on tables and talks about how terrible the covers are.  It's a skill, I'll give her that, but you'd think someone in her position would give these people a bit of grace.

She talks to Samantha about how judgemental the public is and how screwed she is with her looming book cover. Samantha's like, get tf over yourself, you're fabulous! And I love Samantha.  I know I've said it again and again throughout these snarks, but everyone needs a supportive friend like Samantha.  Why should Carrie care about what a bunch of jerks say about her?  oh yeah... she's got to sell this book to the very judgemental public.  eeep.

"People are mean." Carrie says.

"People are not that mean." Sam begins, "Ugh she looks like shit is her stylist blind?" Sam finishes.  (she's flipping through a magazine)

"I have just officially entered Panic." Carrie panics.

Sam offers her PR expertise for the cost of lunch and two martinis.  Supportive friend is supportive.

--

Meanwhile Charlotte is looking for a self-help book on dealing with divorce. She barely wants to tell Miranda what the book title is, she's so shameful about it. Her whole arc (it's not that deep, really) is that she goes awandering in the self-help aisle and is completely dismayed by the kind of people there. (Narrator Carrie calls it the "self hell aisle").  There's someone eating her hair and another sobbing openly. One even tearfully tells her that "that book really helped me."  The scandal!  So thoroughly disgusted, she turns to amazon which is new! and sells books! And she can buy her divorcee book judgement-free!

Until the algorithm betrays her and she sees the recommendations for a person such as she is: divorced and looking for books for handling all that, and decides to throw the book out the window--

--where it lands at the feet of a woman who's currently considering divorce and needed a sign from the universe.

It's kind of funny.  The algorithm is so judgey, don'tcha know.

--

Miranda took that comment from last episode ("fat ass") and decided she'd have enough of the baby weight.  I... mm.  I used to not mind this plot so much.  I was a young mother. I'm a woman, I live on this planet. I 'get it'-- but I'm.. fucking sick of society's obsession with thinness at this venture.  It's unhealthy.

And honestly, now, I think this plot absolutely insane, written by people who are not mothers and not women and it's obvious. Miranda is fresh off having a baby-- she's probably still breast feeding.  I know this is niche, but I breastfed and the hunger is unreal.  UNREAL.  She needs these reserves.  They'll likely diminish on their own, considering she's of "normal" weight (not to mention, Miranda is one of two of the women of the foursome who are actually shown exercising. She runs the gd marathon-- she doesn't need to go on a fucking diet)-- but society. Society called her a "fat ass" and she has to change.

Society has to change.

(Can I just note in another aside that she's not even -fat- later on in the episode, she gets weighed and she's 153 pounds.  On her 5'7" frame, that's well in the range of a "healthy" weight, especially considering she just pushed out a 8 pound human. She's like the ANTM version of plus size. You know that Whitney, the plus size winner from cycle 10 was a size 6?  Back then in the early 2000s if you were anything more than a size 0 you were a fat ass.  Fucking exhausting)

Anyway.  The person who checks her out at the bookstore takes one look at the diet book she's chosen at advises her to do weight watchers instead.

This is where she meets the guy she talked about last season (or possibly the season before, they blur together).  She previously talked about a guy who was in over-eaters anonymous who would binge eat hot fudge sundaes whenever they got in a fight.  This season, this guy wants donuts and chicken pot pies and other foods when stressed and it's the same plot line.  It's the same guy.

He's also a messy -eater- and Miranda doesn't want to criticize his technique for fear of setting him off and being responsible for his problems (EMOTIONAL LABOR MUCH?), but she also doesn't want to kiss... uhm, herself?  She does tell him that maybe he can wipe his mouth before kissing her after doing that and he essentially shuts down and they break up.

She ends up moving to the other WW place by the Krispy Kreme rather than deal with seeing him again, and uh, fair.  Apparently he's put her off donuts in general.  Hey, whatever gets you off.

--

Samantha's story line dovetails nicely in with Carrie's.

Sam's at her office, and the worldwide express guy has a -package- for her and it's very suggestive and very porn.  It's hilarious.  Sam's doing a, job, shall we say, and who should show up a few moments later, but Carrie-- there to take Sam out on that lunch date and to decide on the outfit for the cover.

Carrie takes one look at Sam on her knees, gasps, bangs her elbow on the door frame, and escapes!

In the next scene, in the same outfit, Carrie is at her apartment having a nice conversation with Stanford while she is still obsessing over her cover. Stanford is by the window, glowing. "You look very... something." Carrie says.

"I am very something... I met someone" Stanford gushes. Stanford goes on to describe Marcus, his new man. But first, he worries that Carrie will judge him, and Carrie is like peh, I don't judge people.

"We all judge. Some people do arts and crafts. We judge" Stanford is on point this episode.

So, you know how I keep saying she needs a hobby?  I suppose if snarking these episodes can be one of my many (MANY) hobbies then judging people can be theirs.  Why not?

Anyway, Marcus is a dancer for Radio City Music hall. He also played someone named Coffee in some ballet. Who cares. Carrie is really trying to hold back but wants to judge him like crazy.  "You met a man who played Coffee waiting to get Coffee?"

Sam calls Carrie at this point, and hints that she thinks that Carrie's reaction to catching the BJ was a bit much.

"Oh lighten up!" Sam says.  "Uhm. I am light." Carrie replies.  I... don't know how to take this whole interaction. I think that Sam is feeling insecure about being caught blowing that guy and rather than stay and watch? Sam is mad that Carrie left. What on earth did she expect her to do? pop popcorn?  Pull up a seat?

Sam mainly wanted to say that she has a stylist who's pulled some looks for the cover.  And Carrie wants to come see the styles.  Sam thinks that Carrie doesn't trust her to know what "sexy chic" means-- and to be honest, I'm on Carrie's side here.

Carrie and Sam have very different ideas of what makes something sexy. But Sam is cool with her coming along, and Carrie invites Stanford because "he's gay and bitchy, my target test audience."

Not "he's my friend and I trust his eye for this sort of thing."

He's GAY and BITCHY.

:blinks:

ANYWAY.  moving on.

--

The foursome have a meeting at coffee shop where they mostly complain about Miranda's date du episode.  The one who is a messy eater.  There's a lot, but not a lot to talk about.  Except this:

Miranda: "Samantha do you kiss after a blowjob?"

Carrie: "No, she just signs the delivery slip and sends him on his way."

OUCH.

The other two are confused cause that joke BIT and was PERSONAL.

"Apparently Carrie has a problem with the fact that she saw me blowing the worldwide express guy." Sam explains to the gobsmacked Miranda and Charlotte.

Charlotte says "eeeew."

Carrie points out that it was Charlotte and not her that just said Ew.

"and when did I say I had a problem?"

"oh please, you walked in, caught us, turned and ran."

"Well what was I supposed to do, sit and flip through Marie Claire" (fucking thank you.)

 Miranda sort of piles on with the slut shaming and puts Sam on the defense about her blowing the worldwide express guy.  Samantha is deeply offended by their slut shaming.

"Samantha," Miranda says, "What's the big deal? We laugh about this kind of stuff all the time."

Samantha says fine but she is grimacing.  She forces Carrie to leave with her to meet with the stylist.

At the meeting, the looks that have been pulled are not good.  If you watched TBS in the turn of the century, you saw this scene, it was part of the show previews.  Carrie is put in a very wispy teddy with boas. so many boas. fake feathers everywhere.  It's a nightmare.

Stanford is there introducing his very sexy boyfriend to Carrie, right as the curtain pulls back and we see the monstrosity: "Marcus Adante, Lady Marmalade."

"It's nice to meet you." Carrie says, "I don't usually dress like a high class hooker."

 Sam is still sort of offended from lunch and takes it personally.

 "That is NOT a hooker look." She says.

"Please! This screams hooker. What respectable New York Woman would be caught dead wearing this?" Carrie is walking into a trap.

"I have one in red.  Am I a hooker?"

Sam asks if Carrie looks adorable in the -outfit- and he admits that she does, then Carrie asks if it's the worst possible for the cover and it absolutely is.

Carrie asks Marcus and Stanford to wait outside while she confronts Sam about everything between them this episode. Carrie points out the thing I was saying about their ideas of sexy.

"This is about the blowjob isn't it?" Sam says. "One little blowjob and I'm a hooker with no taste."

Carrie is absolutely flummoxed: "It's about the book cover."

Carrie then completely lies and says that women their age need to cover it up.  Whatever, *I* for one don't judge.  I hate those lists about things -women- over thirty shouldn't do.  FUCK IT.

"We can't get away with the same stuff we used to." Carrie says. (LIES)

"Like blow jobs."  Sam continues to berate Carrie about the judgement she felt from her that day at her office.

"That wasn't judgement that was shock.  I thought we were having lunch."

Sam reiterates, "are you saying you have no judgement?"

"no judgement. But I do have a question, will this relationship be priority-overnight or next-day delivery."  FUCKING HELL CARRIE.  READ THE ROOM.

"If I walked in on you giving a blow job to a worldwide express guy--"

"You would never walk in on me, because that is something I would never do!"

"THERE. And I cannot believe that you would judge me after everything that we've been through."

NO kidding. They've been through a war of Carrie's making and Sam was steadfast.

"I will wear whatever and blow whomever as long as I can breathe and kneel."

 

Anyway.  Sam walks out of the office and into a -scene- between Stanford and Marcus and she is shocked at the sight.

Sam and Carrie make up over that.  Apparently you can be shocked without being judgemental. Two things can be true.

In the end, Carrie wears a lovely outfit for the cover and it's an iconic look.  It's her type of sexy.

That's it friends!  Next time I'll start the second half of season 5! This season only has 8 episodes!

Cheers!

Season 5 Episode 3 Luck Be an OId Lady

What's this?  a new blog post?  in 2023?  After a :checks blog notes: 5 year hiatus?  Who am I?

Well, I am a still-fan of Sex and the City and I have finally had enough time to fall back in love with the characters and show.  Ok, mostly probably because I haven't watched it since then, in fact I hadn't watched it recreationally since I started this blog back in 2016.  Such a shame! It was right there and I didn't watch it.

I just spent the last two days rereading all the posts from here and realizing that I had a good thing going and I need to finish this. I only have 30 some episodes to go, and the movie.  (we don't talk about the *other* movie).  (I haven't seen the spin-off show on HBO, I wasn't planning on watching it)

I do want to make a general apology for some of the things I said when I was 28-- I had a long way to go in understanding the ins and outs of the LGBT+ community (mainly the trans community) and I might have said a thing or two in the wrong way.  I also completely glossed over Carrie saying that she wore gold jewelry for fun "like ghetto gold" and that's not OK.  I should have called that out.

Also, I used the word "pontificate" wrong on like 4 occasions.  I thought it meant something like talking in a grandiose, pompous sort of way, but it doesn't mean that at all.  oops.   WAIT.  I just looked it up and that's exactly what it means.  DOOD.

I'm sure there's more, we've all grown a lot since 2018-- hell, we went through a global pandemic together.  Go us.  I have a teenage girl, now in high school, and a young pre-teenage boy going into middle school next year.  yikes.  I am also turning 35 this year.  Fuck I'm old. XD That was actually part of the reason I wanted to get back into it.  I wanted to see what I thought about the stories now that I'm essentially the ages of the women here.

Anyway, I haven't even hit play on my DVD player to start this, so this might get long.

Last we saw the foursome, Miranda is dealing with having a newborn, Charlotte is single again, currently divorcing Trey, Sam is about to jump back into an ill-advised relationship with Richard (the man with the perfect dick who isn't afraid to share it), and Carrie is Very Single But Insists on Saying She's Dating the City of New York. Yikes!

So, let's go! (I do apologize for being rusty)

ah! the theme song. <3

 Carrie is on her first blind date in years.  She's hoping for the best (cute guy, but not him), preparing for the worst (creepy dude leering at her from across the bar, also probably not him) and just might be pleasantly surprised (nope, that one is meeting someone else)

 She was stood up. oh boy.

 At coffee shop with Foursome, Carrie is scraping bottom.

 Charlotte is hopeful there's an explanation, Miranda for some reason decides *this* is a good example of good dating, cause she misses it for some reason? and Sam is like, Why are you going on a blind date? it's beneath you.

Charlotte doesn't want Carrie to give up completely, since blind dates don't always end badly.

Carrie rightfully points out that dating is like having a job interview with cocktails, and she's not wrong.  She also points to the crux of the episode, which is: what's the point of dating if it always ends badly? 

"Why should I risk a godawful evening, when I'm guaranteed to have fun with you guys?"

"Oh, that's cute," Sam answers, "but I'm never gonna fuck you."

Charlotte admonishes Carrie for giving up, says she has to keep trying.

And Carrie makes a groundhog day reference that I find very timely considering when I'm doing this.  She's seen her shadow and she's going back in.

haha, Charlotte says, "you have to take some risks so you don't wind up an old maid!"

"That's right! Must not wind up old maid!" Carrie jokes.

Miranda wonders why women have to be 'old maids' and 'spinsters' and men can be bachelors and playboys.

Well, fun story! Spinsters became a derogatory term, but in fact its roots were far from negative.  Spinning actually was one of the few jobs a single woman could have to support herself without a spouse back in the olden days of yore.

New Topic.  Charlotte's turning 36 this weekend! And she's decided to stick to 35.  She's "not where I thought I'd be at 36."

I will never stop rolling my eyes about women and age.  Women are so fucking insecure about getting older, it's confounding.  Shouldn't we be happy to get older?  The alternative seems quite a bit grimmer, don't you think?

"Ok then, where are we celebrating Charlotte's 35th birthday, the sequel?" Carrie jokes.

 Miranda can't go out regardless, her baby nurse just had her last day and she's going to need at least a year in advance for future scheduling.  (Side note, I really am glad that they don't just abandon the baby existing out of convenience like they do in lots of other shows.)

Sam can't go either, Richard is taking her to Atlantic City.

"ugh, what'd you do wrong?" Miranda asks.

Sam explains there's some kind of a fight and he likes to gamble, and also he's a hotel PR whatsit (fuck, it's been a really long time since I watched this, suffice to say it's not completely out of the realm of realistic for Richard to go to New Jersey for the weekend)

Sam also says that they're taking his private jet, which sounds unreasonable. How far away is Manhattan to Atlantic City?  Couldn't they drive?  yeah, it's 2 hours by car.  That's what? a 20 minute flight?  How was there even time to get it up (I'm getting ahead of myself).

Anyway, Carrie laments that they can't get together to celebrate, and it's relatable.  I mean, she's acting like a fucking child, but it's relatable.  They've essentially been inseparable these past 4ish seasons and life is starting to happen to each of them.  OK, mostly it's happening to Miranda, and also it's not very far in advance that Carrie wanted to plan this.  She says "this weekend" which means it's mid-week.  That just seems normal that 4 people with full lives wouldn't be able to get together that weekend.

This is the first time I've seen this with captioning and she calls it Charlotte's "30-faux" birthday and I LOVE the pun.  I always misheard it as 34 birthday and thought Carrie was just a moron.  I mean, two things can be true.

The show moves forward a bit, shows Carrie at home alone (she really needs a fucking hobby), and now she's on the phone.  She's trying to get Sam to cancel her AC trip because Miranda got Steve to watch the baby and they can eek out a night together.  She also complains that the last picture taken of the four of them is "moldy" and.. it's dumb she's complaining about it, it's not like they're NOT together all the time-- but I do get it.  I don't take pictures nearly as often as I want to.  I don't have very many of my old knitting friends together and it's kind of a shame.  It doesn't erase all the times we spent together though.

Same with pictures with my husband.  We're together all the time, but I think the last picture we got together was right after we moved into the house.  in November.  oop.

Richard pops up out of nowhere, nude, and suggests letting Carrie et all come along on the private jet, he'll even comp some suites, so they can enjoy the weekend together.

Carrie shouts "yes!" from the other end of the phone.

Next scene she's picking up Miranda to head to the airport together.  Miranda's got a very sad face on.  She can't go, she's not ready to separate from Brady.  HAHA, just kidding, he left two hours ago with Steve and she's FREE!

Fuck, I love that.  I remember being free of my kids for the first time and it's so good.  Cause like, once you're a mom, it feels like everything you do is suddenly about your kids.  People distill their entire experience and personality down to 'mom' and OK, I'm soapboxing.  Suffice it to say, Miranda is NOT that and it's Refreshing.  I'm Not that either, I am a faceted woman who happens to have kids.

While Miranda's gathering her weekend bags, Magda shows Carrie pictures of the baby. She gushes about his cute face and his belly and all the cuteness.  (I'm such a breeder, I love that shit, babies are the best). Magda sneaks by Miranda to exit the scene, and Carrie is like "I never thought I'd see the day!" Miranda corrects her, she doesn't care about the baby like that, "I didn't even take most of those."  Now, sure, but. Miranda not bonding with her child is glaring.  Like, to a point it's refreshing.  To another point, it starts to look like why did she even have a kid if she's so antipathic to them.

Anyway, just at the moment of release, Steve shows up with the baby.  He can't do it. He can do two hours, but after that he's afraid he's going to accidentally kill the baby.

"We're both afraid we're going to kill the baby. That's a given." Miranda explains (the best joke in the whole episode) and insists it's Steve's turn with the baby so she can go gallivanting with her friends.  They fight, as Carrie in the background has enlisted Magda to help Steve with the baby.

Miranda doesn't think it's her job, but also doesn't look a gift horse in the mouth.  And also apparently they'd been fighting long enough that the two of them have missed the plane and have no way to get down to New Jersey.  (It's TWO HOURS.  rent a car.  FFS)

They go by bus.

Meanwhile, on the private jet, Samantha is making out with Richard. Charlotte shows up, apologizes for being late, but sees it's just the three of them and is rightfully nervous. On her seat is a gift and because her birthday is tomorrow, she thinks it's for her.

It's something.  pearls and a bit of fabric.  "It's pretty! but what is it?"

It was meant for Sam.  A pearl thong. "for me? you naughty boy!" Sam says before making out with Richard again.  It's kind of rude.  She also says something like "practical And stimulating, what will they think of next" and I'm thinking HOW is a pearl thong practical?  On what planet?  Also, I never thought about it before, but what will the PH levels of a vulva DO to pearls?  they have to be fake.  Also, it has to be the most uncomfortable piece of underwear I've ever seen in my life.

"Did I tell you I've taken up knitting?  I find it really calms my nerves" Charlotte has pulled out a baby bootie WIP from her purse. I love that she's knitting even if she also says "knitting is the new yoga according to New York Magazine."  She's trying to ignore the couple groping each other in front of her.

Richard says grossly that he'll give Sam a pearl necklace to match the underwear.

Charlotte, in the most Charlotte way possible, misunderstands and says that her father gave her a pearl necklace for her when she was 16.

The two of them explain the dirtiness, and if it was me, I wouldn't have.  Charlotte's too naive for that.  Also, they've effectively sullied a perfectly nice memory Char has of her father.

Narrator Carrie jokes "Knit one, purl two would never sound the same to Charlotte again"  OK, clearly they only brought in the knitting so they could make this lame joke.  I don't think Charlotte ever knits again.  It is sitting on the top of her luggage later on to make the case that she's and OLD MAID, cause ya know, only Old women knit.

That's my LEAST favorite stereotype.

I don't even think it's true.  I've met a lot of older women who see me knitting in public and most of them say things like "I used to do that but can't anymore because Reason" (usually it's pain, sometimes it's vision)

Also, it's just fucking infuriating, OK?

---

On the bus with Miranda and Carrie, Carrie wonders where all the old men are (since the bus is entirely filling up with old women).  Miranda says they're dead, or married to twenty year olds.

Then Miranda picks up her magazine to enjoy some alone -adult- time and Carrie keeps interrupting her.

Carrie doesn't think they'll be friends when they're old because of all the effort it took to get them together for the weekend.  Fuck, Carrie, it was a Very Short notice and your friend JUST had a baby.  relax.

Also, I haven't seen the new spin-off on HBO, but I know Kim Cattrall isn't in it (reason number 7 why I don't care to watch it), so no, I don't think they'll all be friends when they're old.

Also, Carrie goes on and on about investing in her friendships, since they don't magically last 40 years.  She mentions money and investing for retirement-- which is just fucking rich coming from someone as irresponsible with money as she is.  And Miranda doesn't let that go by either, cause she was there when Carrie "$40K in shoes but only $800 in savings" Bradshaw needed to use Charlotte's old wedding ring to buy her apartment three episodes ago or whenever.

"did you finally open that IRA?" she jokes.

Miranda just wants to enjoy some no-baby time and Carrie's kiiiind of being an asshole.  Yes, you have to invest in friendships, but a lot of people want more than that.  Like Sam said in the beginning, they're not going to fuck you.

I'm going on, so I'll continue.

---

 They meet up at the hotel, it's Trump's old property (you know, one of many that went bankrupt) the Taj Mahal casino.  This is probably extremely offensive.  Oh yeah, it is.  The staff are mostly in caricature Indian outfits.  no good.

Carrie announces that she's missed this! And they're like, you've never been here before.  Apparently she misses the cigarette smoke.  gross.

Carrie, steadfastly single and child-free, is sporting an outfit where you can totally see her pregnant belly.  In fact, Sarah Jessica Parker and Cynthia Nixon were both pregnant during this season. (it's why the season was so short) Some of the costuming gets real creative in hiding their expanding bellies.

Fun fact! When I was 18 I didn't see the pregnancies at all. Silly baby Jessica. XD

---

Back at the casino, Charlotte, Sam and Miranda all want to go do things, but Carrie insists on taking the women out to dinner.

Miranda is reminded of the present she got for Charlotte, and I think Charlotte (and all of us) are a little gun shy about surprise(!) presents.  It's a pack of 'old maid' and Charlotte is Not Amused.

"Old maid? Is this supposed to be funny?" Charlotte says.  She's wearing a high up ruffled collar shirt that makes her look about 80, btw.  Intentional costume is intentional.

Richard shows up to try to escort Sam away, and Sam doesn't want to leave her girlfriends, that is until a scantily clad woman shows up to chat him up and show off her breasts in his general direction.

Sam laments taking a cheating man to "Atlantic Titty" and decides that she really should join Richard in his poker game-- lest he cheat on her with all the women working at the hotel, or something. It was right as Carrie was toasting the four of them. XD

The three leftovers go gamble at the craps table. Miranda's just won! woohoo! And Carrie wants to go find Samantha now.  Miranda doesn't want to leave now that she's on a roll (pun intended).

A nearby dood asks Carrie to blow on his dice.  She offers up Charlotte, and the guy is like, nope, gotta be Carrie, "the hot one" "You're my lucky blonde. Blow."  He throws the dice and he's a winner!

Carrie screams, she's so excited, just as Miranda says "fuck I lost."  oops.

Carrie won though, the guy gifts her a thousand dollar chip!  and she didn't even have to sleep with him first.

Miranda wants Carrie to gamble it, and she wants to help.  Charlotte is stuck on how the guy called Carrie the hot one.  She's really grumpy this episode.

Carrie doesn't want to gamble anymore, she wants to see ZZ Top with her friends.  Well, they don't want to. Miranda's lost her wind.  She's just had a baby a month or so ago, and is tired. Plus she's got a frozen milky way bar and pay per view.  Sounds like a great night. ^^

"Charlotte went to sleep that night with a thousand dollar chip on her shoulder." 

---

Writer Carrie is thinking about gambling and relating it to dating.

"If we know the house always wins, why gamble?"  She writes "why gamble" on the hotel note pad.  Like, I know what the -show- is doing here, she likely wouldn't have brought her little laptop on vacation, but is she really going to struggle to remember the theme of her next column.

---

Sam's story revolves around all the women she's afraid Richard is going to sleep with.  In her end, she breaks up with him to save her the trouble-- AFTER she climbs many many flights of stairs in a pearl thong to try to catch him in the act.  He wasn't cheating, but she knows he will.

--

Charlotte's story continues with her realizing she hates the associations she has with 'old maid:' her clothes, her knitting, the shower cap she's got on.  She buys a very skimpy dress at the hotel gift shop and embraces her youth.

"Those are for women who've lost all their money and have to turn tricks." Carrie complains, slut shamey AF.

I don't think I mentioned it up there, but I also wanted to apologize for the things I didn't say about sex work back when I was 28.  Sex work is work.  Nothing wrong with it, it should be safe and legal. The show is... of its time on this topic.

Also, Carrie is a sex columnist, a sexual anthropologist.  Her ideas about sex are so fucking limited and I hate it.  I hate it.  She calls Charlotte a 'harlot' and a whore for dressing the way she does in this scene and it's so offensive.

 --

Miranda is kind of being a dick here, too.  She's sitting at the black jack table, losing a lot of money.  She pretty much demands that Carrie give up her thousand dollar chip for her to play with.

Carrie refuses.  The people around the foursome are angry that they aren't playing the round. One guy calls Miranda fat TO HER FACE and it's awful.

The rest of them come to her defense by calling him fat right back and I can't even.  Like, it's not nice. Probably feels good in the moment (everybody claps) but fuck, it's so awful.

Charlotte says to the guy "She's not normally this big" as if it's OK to call her fat if she didn't just have a baby or something.  it's really bad.  fuck.

Miranda heads up to bed, walking away, trying to hide her aforementioned "fat ass" as she goes, and it's sad.

--

Charlotte and Carrie continue their night, getting hit on by two guys at the bar.  Carrie doesn't want to hang out with guys, she wants to invest in her friends-- because the odds of 'hitting it off' are so remote and men die first anyway. She wants to enjoy the company of her friends. Charlotte rightfully says what we're all thinking, that skipping the drama means missing out on relationships, kids, growing old with someone else.  She wants those things AND friendships.

"Now that sounds wonderful, but don't bank on it happening" Carrie replies.  Like an asshole.  Who SAYS that?  fucking jerk.

Carrie decides that Charlotte wants to be alone. She's goes off to get some salt water taffy on the boardwalk and eats it while watching a couple watch the sunset.  She surmises that maybe she does want to take that gamble, cause the prize is so worth it.

So she comes back inside and puts her chip on the roulette wheel, betting the entire thousand dollars on 36.  Cause she's 36 and it's a whole thing.

Within 5 seconds it's gone.  29 is the winner.  (you just said a mouthful right there, show)

And because Sam broke up with Richard, they all have to take the bus home.

They have someone take a snapshot while they're together, despite Miranda's poo pooing about it being a time they want to remember.  But it was.

It's the weekend Carrie blew her found thousand dollars in two seconds and slut shamed her friend and called a guy fat.

good times.

I really hope I can get back into these at a regular pace.  I'm not sure though, Zac's schedule is strange these days, rotating between days and swings and night shifts. I'll make time for it though.  I'm hoping to finish this year.  Wish me luck!

Season 5 Episode 2 Unoriginal Sin

So, one side-effect of a season without mans is a season without inspiration for Carrie.  Remember how she's still writing that relationship column?  Yeah, me neither.

Welp, that's the opening.  Just a blank document.  That's like every writer's worst nightmare.

She's decided to turn to her friends at brunch, but none of them have mans either.

Or ideas.

She's resorted to writing about socks.  Socks and the City.  See, now, I would read that.

Who the hell am I kidding? I would write that.  XD

But no, it's 2001 and knitting is passe still.

Sam admits that she didn't even read Carrie's latest investigative journalism piece on Finding the Perfect french fry.

She's become irrelevant, and she's avoiding her editor because of it.

This'll go well.

Miranda tries to make her feel better by saying she never misses an episode, and Sam complains "You have a little man hanging from your breast, what else are you going to do?!" and Miranda says simply "eat" and it's so fucking awkward for anyone who doesn't know how ravenous one gets while nursing.

Actually its just awkward.

Carrie's still complaining, "I'm not getting laid, therefore I'm getting laid off."  Geez, she needs a fucking hobby.

Charlotte offers to take her trolling for men in the park.  Sam orders the fruit plate and admits that she's decided to get back together with Richard all in one breath.

wh- wh- what?!

Sam explains that he explained it all away.  He was scared and that's what made him slip his thingy inside her hoo haw.

Then Charlotte creates the best Gif in the whole show:

 LOL forever.

Sam says it's difficult for men to admit they have feelings.

Miranda says she correctly identifies her feelings all the time, but it doesn't excuse her for being an asshole if she's being an asshole.

Sam rationalizes the whole thing-- "some men can't be bothered to pick up the dry cleaning" Therefore, cheating on her is Richard's flaw.

Miranda is irate about it and I don't blame her.

Sam insists that Richard was being genuine and she's giving him another chance.


So now Carrie has a supreme idea for an article, "Desperate women who'll believe anything."

--

At Chez Miranda, she and Steve are covering outlets and locking the toilets.  Their baby is like 1 month old, this is ridiculous.

Steve tells Miranda that he thinks they should get the baby baptized.  Miranda is an atheist and she doesn't want to.

Honestly that should be it, but Steve presses that they're covering outlets even though the baby can't crawl yet.  So therefore they should protect the baby's soul from turning into a flying head with wings.

I.. got nothing.

She acquiesces.  It's just water on the baby's head in the end.

Course, she has to pick a godmother for it.  So, she chooses Carrie.

Carrie thinks she should go with someone more maternal, like Charlotte.  Also, she says she's about one bad date away from bitter.

But Miranda insists that Carrie should do it.

I'm getting ahead of myself a little bit.

The reason Carrie is even thinking about her state of bitterness is because her editor finally found her and... They want to make a book out of her columns! :O

So, the show has come full circle back to the book. crazy pants. She meets with these potential publishers, and they need her to write an opening for the book-- something that sets the tone.  Hopeful or... should the publishers just shoot themselves now?

Carrie has to put her best fake smile on.. yeah, hopeful!  There's someone out there for everyone. For sure.

Abso-fucking-lutely.

So, Carrie is deep in pessimism when Miranda asks her to take on the role.

I don't know what hope v. pessimism has to do with being a godmother, but whatever.  No one is expecting her to do magic or anything.  She already *has* that role, if you think about it.

--

Oy, I forgot about Charlotte.  During their trolling at the park party, Charlotte points out that Carrie is way too cynical.  She won't have imaginary sex with any of the men who they see walk by!

Why, I never!

So, She invites Carrie to see a motivational speaker that Charlotte has been obsessed with.  Carrie doesn't see why she'd go to it.

"Because you're becoming pessimistic?"

"See, that's why I wouldn't go."

She's got a point.

Well, they go together.  And the whole place is a nut.

They get little affirmations as they walk in, and Carrie openly mocks them.

"Are you going to make fun of everything?" Charlotte asks.

"No, I'm not that quick."

I love Pessimist Carrie.  I wish she'd stick around.  She seems like she'd be great at parties.

Carrie tells Charlotte off-handedly that Miranda asked Carrie to be godmother and Charlotte is upset because Carrie isn't taking it seriously.  And she isn't taking the motivational speaker seriously either.

The motivational speaker lady is talking and saying absolutely nothing of value.  The point of the whole thing is to find love, and essentially how if you don't have a man it's you're fault.  It's really shitty, tbh.  Some woman in the audience (probably a plant) raises her hand to brag about how she found a husband thanks to the motivational speaker.

See, I told you she was a plant.  What was she *doing* there if she's happily with a dude?  Did she really go just to brag about it and make the women there feel bad about not being successful with men. Never mind, I wouldn't put it past her.

So, Charlotte is emboldened by the question-asker to talk about her own problems.

She says that she feels like she's losing hope because she believed so hard that she'd find love if she sent love out into the world (or whatever the affirmations are supposed to be about). She did find a man and it completely fell apart.  She sort of blames the motivational speaker for losing her optimism and not finding a new love now, and I honestly don't blame her.

It's sort of like the whole Joshua Harris 'I kissed dating goodbye' purity culture bullshit from when I was a teenager.  That shit fucked up so many young women (and probably men, too), especially the ones who actually waited to have sex and date and then their marriages fell apart or became abusive.  He *promised* that god would bless them and a lot of them just ended up divorced or abused or disenfranchised. Just sadfaces all over.

The motivational speaker lady is not deterred.  She is adamant that Charlotte just doesn't believe enough, and that if she really believed that she'll find a man.

Carrie stands up for her friend (even though Charlotte is mad at her).  If anyone is the hopeful optimist, it's Charlotte and how very dare this woman suggest she's not trying hard enough.

here here!

I daresay I like Carrie a lot in this episode.

Miranda, meanwhile, is navigating a very frustrating ordeal.  She has to go to a church and talk to a priest about the baptism, she has to meet Steve's mother, and on top of everything she has to buy little Brady a dress for the baptism.

Oh the humanity!

At the baptism in the end, Carrie asks Miranda once and for all whether Carrie is maybe too cynical to be godmother. "Not compared to me."  Miranda says and insists that she do it since Carrie is her best friend.

Miranda also says, "I don't know if I believe in any of it, but I believe in you. I want you to be my baby's godmother." And they both have tears in their eyes and it's sweet.

"Well, I did spring for the hat." Carrie replies very cutely.

In the end, Carrie gets some of the holy water on her arm and thinks maybe it washed off some of her original "sinicism".

--

At Sam's end, well, maybe her middle, she talks to Richard about the past indiscretions.  He lamely rationalizes them all away and then gives Sam a big ol' diamond ring, but not *that* kind of diamond ring.

Her friends actually did plant a seed or two of doubt in her mind.  So, she's on her guard around him.  She forces him to go to church with her, to Brady's baptism, and while there he recites one of the catholic whatstits with the rest of the Catholic people present and somehow that makes him look more respectable to Sam's eye for some reason.

At the after party, Richard approaches Miranda to tell her that he really was scared.

"Ok, whatever. Thanks for coming." She says the only thing she can at that point.  Awkward.

Sam leaves with him, and Miranda says to the other two, "He's such a player."

Charlotte has regained her optimistic composure, "I dunno, maybe things'll work out between them." and Carrie almost chokes on her cake.

Carrie spends the last moment dedicating her book to her friend Charlotte "The eternal optimist who always believes in love."

d'aww.

I enjoyed that episode a lot more than I have in previous viewings.

Thanks for reading along and Happy Thanksgiving! <3

Season 5 Episode 1 Anchors Away

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