I always think that Carrie cannot get more self absorbed and then she goes and does something so beyond what she's done before that I'm flummoxed. Case in point, this episode.
Carrie's book has been reviewed! And despite it being a very well-rounded, rave review, she's completely stuck on the last sentence ("a world where men are disposable") and cannot get the fuck over herself.
1- Carrie you said yourself in an early season that men are disposable.
2- Get a goddamn hobby, woman. And stop obsessing over shit you can't change. It's exhausting.
3- Your friends' lives are much more interesting than yours, so the rest of this snark will be dedicated to them.
And yes, I know it's my choice to subject myself to this nonsense and it is, indeed stuff I can't change. Shall we Carrie on?
OH SHIT. This is the episode with the face girl. Fuck, I forgot.
Carrie. you ruined Aiden's fucking life with your shit, You deserve more than a "face girl" to haunt you.
There, now let's move on with the episode.
---
Miranda is finally starting to look realistic, shall we say. She can't get any sleep, she can't get any showering, she can't get her hair done. The reality of having a colicky baby is catching up to her.
Charlotte and Carrie are supportive.
"This thirteen pound meatloaf is pushing me over the edge. I feel disgusting. All my clothes smell like barf. I don't have time to shower, much less get a haircut."
Sam, as expected, is completely unsympathetic. Sam is unintentionally bragging about her own hair cut and color. oop.
I mean, on one hand I totally get Sam's lack of sympathy-- Miranda chose to do this to herself, and it's not up to Sam to pick up Miranda's life for her and help her out. But ya know, they are friends and it starts to be rude when you flaunt your amazing single -do what you want- life in front of people who don't have that ability for one reason or another.
Charlotte wants to go with Miranda to help-- but mostly to ask some questions about the divorce stuff.
Miranda is happy to help, she asks who Charlotte got as her lawyer. Miranda says that he's tough.
"But is he tough enough to beat Bunny to a pulp?" Charlotte asks, uncharacteristically.. you know what though, Charlotte is so very feisty, I daresay this is her personality. XD
Charlotte meets with her lawyer in the next scene. He's dangerously sexy and Charlotte can't be as mean as she wants to be in front of him.
But enter stage right, a slightly pudgy bald man enters loudly. He's the other lawyer at this firm. He's shouting about bagels "who the hell ordered blueberry bagels?" and Charlotte is smitten. Ok, she's not. And that's the point. She decides to switch to the other lawyer.
Two things. I LOVE blueberry bagels. fucking delicious. And the second thing, it's HARRY! The best guy on the show.
In Sam's story line.. she's got real problems.
She decides to indulge herself in a wonderful night in with her vibrator. Nice. Only, it's stopped! It makes a sad little sound before it completely died. well, shoot.
And for some reason she returns it. Just... no. you don't return vibrators, regardless of their warranty. That's just unhygienic.
At the Sharper Image much later on in the episode, there's a whole display of vibrators and the guy working there keeps calling them neck massagers.
It's actually a funny scene, cause Sam knows what's what and the ladies around the -neck massager- display defer to her and her infinite wisdom.
"I think that one -is- a neck massager" one of them says.
"Not if you mount it." Sam replies.
And I think I recognize some of these women from earlier seasons-- I think some of them were interviewees. I used to adore that segment. Sometimes it was awkward, but mostly they were funny.
--
Meanwhile, Miranda's in hell. Not the self help aisle, or even a party full of couples. She's at home and her little bundle is not so joyful. It's 3 am the child won't shut the fuck up. There's the doorbell chime and Miranda goes to see who it is.
It's her neighbor. "4-D"
"It's 2:30am. You gotta stop that baby from crying."
"I said I was sorry, but I have a baby and sometimes babies make noise. That's what they do."
"I know that. I have a baby, too. And if you ever bothered to say hello in the elevator, you'd know that."
OUCH. Now THIS is a face girl. XD
Miranda is on the phone with Carrie the next morning. I'm going to pretend that Carrie is distracting Miranda from her real problems with Carrie's fake ones.
"Can I wear a baseball cap to work?" Miranda asks Carrie.
"With what shoes?"
"Oh my god," Carrie has a moment of self-awareness, "I'm going on about [NYT book reviewer] when you have real problems."
Carrie then asks to obsess for another minute. And it's a minute too far for Miranda. She's fallen asleep at her bathroom vanity. Poor Miranda. Fuck. And Carrie IS STILL GOING ON ABOUT HER NONSENSE.
"Do you think that Aiden thinks that I think he was disposable?"
NO, CARRIE. You pretended you liked this man, led him on for TWO YEARS. You accepted his engagement ring, you had him BUY YOUR APARTMENT and the one next door, THEN YOU WAITED UNTIL HE HAD MADE A GD HOLE IN THE WALL BEFORE YOU TOLD HIM YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY WANT TO MARRY HIM AND DIDN'T WANT TO ACCEPT HIS LIFE INTO YOURS.
HEY! now I'M the face girl.
Miranda has had it almost as far as I have with this bullshit. She tells Carrie to go call her friend Samantha, cause Miranda doesn't have time for it. She's exhausted and Sam is out there flaunting all that sleep she gets. What a bitch.
"If she could maybe just once acknowledge the fact that I've had a baby. It's not enough I've alienated my neighbor. Now I'm alienating my friends." Miranda whines justifiably.
"You're not alienating anyone." Carrie lies.
"Tell that to 4-D. She's pissed off I don't know her name. Do you know your neighbor's names?"
"Please."
"I'm a bad neighbor and a bad mother." oh Miranda. fuck. Did it get dusty in here? I just want to wrap her up in a big hug. It's so hard being a new mom-- let alone one without support.
Carrie actually offers to help, Miranda lies and says that just offering helps.
"Why do we believe our worst reviews?" Writer Carrie Asks.
I dunno, Carrie. I wrote a whole thing making this about -me- but I do wonder if I'm the weird one. I don't surround myself with people who would judge me and say shitty things about me to my face. Ok, there was one. Once.
But I cut that person out of my life and let it go.
That's why I am bringing it up now, cause I've let it go.
Sometimes I think friend break ups are harder than couple break ups. I'm not sure though.
Anyway.
Miranda is facing a jury of her peers. She's come out of the elevator with her screaming child. She's facing, oh, 7 of her neighbors who are also mothers with their assorted strollers. None of them have the greasy haired look of a new mom. Now, to be fair, Miranda -could- have showered instead of listening to Carrie carry on about her stupid problems.
The moms there are just watching her struggle with her stroller, completely untouched by it. I doubt all of them can hear Brady carry on at night, but it looks like 4-D has caught them all up on the hot goss.
In a move of pure kindness, 4-D comes to Miranda's rescue. She brings her the Chair. It's a vibrating bouncy sort of thing, and as soon as Brady is put into the thing and it's turned on, he finally shuts the fuck up.
4-D, uh, Kendall, tells Miranda that she's not a bad mother, "You just didn't have the chair." And it's so fucking true-- Miranda doesn't have that support network yet, and it's really hard when you've never been a mom or around children to know what's what. I mean, even at her own baby shower she didn't know what a breast pump was.
Carrie, meanwhile, has told Sam what a heinous bitch she's been toward Miranda. Sam is touched and decides to give her cut and color appointment to Miranda. Brilliant.
"I can't believe it!" Miranda screams as she's leaving for the appointment.
"Well, neither can I, but here I am, Mary Fucking Poppins."
"The numbers are on the fridge... don't take him out of the chair, it's the only thing that keeps him quiet. And don't call boys." Miranda jokes, but honestly, smart. XD
Sam, alone with the 13 pound meatloaf, looks down imperiously at Brady in the chair and says "you don't look so bad."
JUST AS THE CHAIR BREAKS. GOLD.
The face ingredients Sam is giving off are wonderful as the screams begin.
Carrie's at home browsing TV channels when she sees the face girl's name (talent executive for SNL) and starts spinning all over the place. She's nuts.
She calls Sam to speculate about whether the face girl is spreading her nonsense all over SNL and I'm just tired. This is so stupid. What difference does it make?
For one, what are the odds that she'll meet and befriend talent from SNL? For two, SHE WROTE THAT SHIT IN HER BOOK ANYWAY. Or she will in the consecutive books, I think book one was all about Big, as we find out in the next episode.
She picks the absolute worst time to call Sam either way. She's knee deep in screaming baby and is having none of Carrie's bullshit.
"You can't be serious." Sam says.
"Don't get me wrong. I don't flatter myself that Gwyneth Paltrow or Ian McKellen would be interested in my love life." Then she pauses cause she can hear Brady screaming, "Are you at a zoo?"
"No. Thanks to you, I'm at Miranda's and Brady won't stop screaming and I don't know what to do." SUPPORTIVE FRIEND IS SUPPORTIVE. FUCK. SHE'S THE BEST CHARACTER ON THE SHOW.
"That was nice."
"Yes, and now I'm being punished." alas, poor Sam. No good deed goes unpunished, as they say.
Carrie speculates what could be wrong with the child.
"His problem is he's an asshole." Best line in the episode. It's true. Sometimes babies are assholes.
"Maybe you should call Miranda."
"I will not. It took me months to get that appointment, someone should benefit." FUCKIN' A. SHE'S THE BEST CHARACTER ON THE SHOW.
"I have to find someway to keep this baby quiet. Goodbye." Sam says.
"No wait, what about Nina?" Carrie cannot be fucking serious right now.
"Maybe Charlotte has the time to talk about this kind of stuff; I have a screaming baby on my hands."
Bravo!
When Miranda comes home, the baby is quiet. "Well, that's better!" Sam says to a fresh-haired Miranda.
"Is everything OK?" She asks.
"Absolutely! The chair thing broke, but you know, shit happens."
"The chair broke!"Miranda is gobsmacked.
Sam has placed the new -neck massager- next to Brady and switched it on. Improvisation! Rule number 1 for motherhood (you know, after don't break the baby)!
"That thing better be brand new." Miranda cautions.
--
At Charlotte's end, she's in mediation going against Bunny.
Harry is fighting real good for her, but it's her word against a very fat stack of pre-nups and other paper works.
Also Bunny herself is tearing into Charlotte and it isn't pretty at all. Poor Charlotte.
"Charlotte couldn't fight anymore. It seemed to her she'd been fighting for this marriage forever." Narrator Carrie helps.
Finally, at the last hour, they receive a telegram from Scotland, from Trey who has kindly reviewed Charlotte and given her the apartment ("everything she wants") and Bunny insists "Just the apartment." but that's good enough for her.
A whole apartment, an ex-MIL who has nothing more to say to her, and a lovely review from an ex.
Charlotte does walk up to Bunny as she's leaving and apologizes for things not working better, but Bunny has none of it and rudely leaves.
"Charlotte realizes there was no such thing as a fairy-tale divorce either." oh, what a lovely arc she had.
"Ding dong the witch is dead." Harry jokes to Charlotte.
---
Carrie goes so far as to reach out to Steve to mollify herself about the face girl.
Steve is sitting there with his basketball thinking that it's about Miranda and their baby but no,
"How does Aiden feel about me?"
"Ah jeez, no, you're not going to try to get back together with him are you?"
"No, but that pretty much answers any questions I had about how you feel."
Steve sort of lays into her and tells her how horrible the break up was for Aiden. He couldn't get out of bed for a month. "I brought him chicken wings."
"A MONTH!"
"He was devastated! He lost his ability to open up and trust women."
Carrie mocks Steve for saying that, but what the fuck did you expect, Carrie after what you did. I won't go into it again. Let's move on.
--
Carrie ends up GOING OUT IN PUBLIC TO TRY TO RUN INTO THE FACE GIRL.
It's so fucking pathetic. This is Natasha all over again. The only person you need to rationalize yourself to is yourself.
Even Stanford, who has gone with her, is like "Why? You know what you and Aiden had."
And EVEN STANFORD HAS HAD ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE. He asks how Carrie feels about Marcus, his boyfriend, and Carrie can barely interrupt her train of nonsense thoughts to say "nice" and Stanford just lays into her about it, too.
"OK, stop. I am done. I've listened to you talk about Aiden for what ten blocks, and two years? And I've been a wonderful audience. And I ask you about Marcus and all I get is "nice?"
Carrie apologizes and they make up. She says that she's happy that Marcus makes him happy. Good stuff.
But there, interrupting the rave review, face girl is there with Heather Graham. Heather Graham has crazy eyes, I love her.
Heather Graham gives Carrie the face. It's spreading. XD Stanford invites Heather Graham to go get a pretzel together to give Carrie some alone time with the face girl.
And uh... Carrie goes on and on to the face girl about Aiden and break ups and it's fucking weird and pathetic and awful.
oh, but Narrator Carrie realizes at the final hour that it's not the face girl she's worried about, it's herself.
Yeah fucking right, it's the face girl.
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