Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Season 3 Episode 15 Hot Child in the City

For some reason, I feel like this is one of my least favorite episodes and I can't figure out why. It feels a bit different, I think, but some of the scenes-- especially with Trey and Charlotte are gold.


Maybe I'll just skip the childish escapades of Carrie this time, and the unlikely scenario where Miranda gets braces for the episode and has them taken off before the end of it, and Sam dealing with several risque 13-year-olds talking about blow jobs, and just spend some time talking about how hilarious it is that Charlotte suggests "Canoe" as a nickname for Trey's John Thomas.

No go?

Ok.  Well, I'm not going over Miranda's story again.  That's like, top 5 unrealistic plot lines in the whole run of the thing.

Can I also mention how absolutely crazy it is that at the time this episode aired for the first time, I was about 13 years old.



So, the episode starts off with Sam at work.  She's dealing with a very young client who has way too much money to spend on a bat mitzvah party.  Like, shockingly too much money.

People should not have this much money.

1 million dollar budget for a kid's birthday party?


Sam's actually jealous of this girl. And I mean, I guess I get it a little bit? But before she even gets to the topic of kids growing up too fast, I already feel bad for her.  Not *that* bad of course, and I am having a difficult time explaining what I mean.  I think never hearing the word 'no' is damaging to a person.  When and if she ever gets cut off from daddy's money, she's going to be a world of pain.

That certainly was lighthearted!

The foursome have lunch at a hip new joint featuring haute cafeteria cuisine, whatever that is.  Like, really? They serve the food on a tray and you walk back to your seat with it and that is somehow different from other restaurants where they serve food on a tray and you walk back to your seat with it.

There's a guy checking out Miranda so Carrie writes her name and phone number on a piece of paper and hands it to the guy.  It's embarrassing.  And it's meant to be.  They're acting like teenagers, eating food in a cafeteria, writing notes to cutie cute boys, and talking about getting braces.



Later on, Carrie accidentally finds herself in a comic book store.  She's looking for her shoe guy and instead finds the young owner of the comic book store, Wade.  He's talking to her a bit too familiarly for someone who was just asked where the previous shop owner went. She don't curr about comic books.  They're for boys anyway.

He name drops all of *two* lady super heroes to prove that girls can read comic books too.  Carrie's not convinced either.

He's also a comic-book artist.  He shows her his rather shoddy comic called Power-Lad.  She asks about it, and he describes the plot to the movie "Sky High," and come to think of it one other made-for-TV Disney movie with the same plot. Essentially, son of superhero waiting for his powers to kick in.

In light of the name, Carrie refers to him as Power Lad, and so I'm going to call him Power Wade.  You know what's cool about Power Wade?  He has electrolytes which is what plants crave!



The following week, she gets an absolutely brilliant comic of herself in the mail from Power Wade.  I don't think he actually drew it though, based on the art from his comic book.  And how'd he even get her address?? Stalker alert!

She does call him, and they go on a date to a trendy new bar with *expensive* video games in it.  So, Dave and Busters essentially?

Those New Yorkers, really on trend.

Rather than take a cab or the subway home, Power Wade pulls out a razor scooter.  Classy.  He only brought one, so he let's her have a go.  She normally doesn't like to go home with men on the first date, but he brags about air conditioning and she is on it.  The apartment is huge and fancee (with two e's)

How can he afford such luxurious accommodations as a failing comic book store owner? 

Oop, there's his mother.

He lives at home.

Awkward.

Sam tells Carrie that she should dump him immediately.  Carrie balks that he's trying to save for his own place, but can't afford it.  fair enough, tbh.

Miranda shows up with her braces and her friends are so fucking shallow I can't even.  She's your friend, and it doesn't help her to hear "are you in pain? I'm in pain just looking at you" not because getting braces hurts, but because she has them at all and they are unsightly.

Seriously, what jerks.

They get served dom perignon, a gift from Sam's 13-year-old client and it's pretty much the last straw for Sam.

The gaggle of 13-year-olds shows up, and one of the girls has blue bits on her braces

Miranda asks if her braces are blue, and the girl responds, "No, they're sapphires. Oh my god, look you have the old-fashioned kind! I didn't know they made those anymore." and it makes Miranda have a sad.  D:  talk about adding insult to injury.

"Her braces are Sapphire." Miranda says after the girls leave. "I'm a 34-year-old nerd."

--

Let's talk about Charlotte and Trey, shall we?

Charlotte recently went looking on the internet for solutions to impotence.  The first thing she finds is a penis implant which makes Trey blanch when he looks at it.  Trey suggests marriage counseling and I'm like finally.  Finally.  Actually talk about your issues.  Finally.

Only, the guy they find is kind of a quack.

It's painfully hilarious to watch.

The psychologist starts off by trying to introduce an easier, non-threatening, way to talk about sex by renaming their sexual organs.  Charlotte isn't sure she understands so he gives an example:

"One client rather whimsically dubbed his anus the chocolate starfish."

"Are you quite sure you went to Yale?" Trey ribs.

Charlotte decides that her cunt should be called "Rebecca" and Trey tries to poo poo that. He doesn't want to play along.

"Why on earth would you call it Rebecca?"

"Cause it sounds nice and I've always liked the name.  Now you name yours."

"This is preposterous."

He is beyond caring at this point and even though the exercise *is* really stupid, it is telling that he isn't willing to play along.

The psychologist combats his negativity, and Charlotte remembers that he likes to sail so she suggests 'Canoe.'

"Canoe doesn't go with Rebecca."

"Well what then?"

"How about Schooner."

"Schooner's good!" Charlotte exclaims, "Rebecca and Schooner! Schooner's good, right?"

"That's very good. Very good." The psychologist is a little too into this.

 He tells them that for homework they have to tell each other a sexual fantasy while in bed together that night.

I'm just gonna type out their fantasies right now, shall I?

Charlotte's:

"I'm a fairy princess in a forest and I'm riding on a unicorn, when suddenly I see you, a pirate in buckskins. A prince in disguise. And that's when you pull me off my unicorn, you tear away my gossamer petticoats, and you put your Schooner deep inside my Rebecca."


"Now you," she asks, "Where are you?"

"I'm in hell."

 Trey goes on to talk about how embarrassing this whole thing is.  He pleads with her to accept the fact that he's not that sexual a person. Charlotte is desperate for him to try, "but, we love each other and we're married now. Rebecca and Schooner belong to each other, they need each other. Please!"

Like, the whole situation is sad, but those names man.

So funny.

Later on, she hears something from the bathroom.  Mr "Not that sexual of a guy" is jerking off to a magazine.

Back to the Psychologist!



Dr Quack tries to wax optimistic about it.  "Trey was masturbating to 'Juggs.' At least we know he isn't gay."

Charlotte is still hurt, and Trey is still passing it off as 'tension release': "Excuse me. What exactly is the problem here? It was tension release with a magazine. It had nothing whatsoever to do with my wife."

God, he's so fucking clueless.

Dr Quack points out that maybe he should start to include his wife in his sexual fantasies.

Charlotte uses her rejected wedding photos, cutting and pasting her face onto the girls' faces in his magazine.  He has to take a beat when he sees them


--But decides that he guesses she's hot enough to fap to.  he guesses. maybe.

---

Miranda has one final moment of embarrassment about her braces.  She's at work, reading a brief to the room full of people, and two of them are laughing about something with each other.  She assumes they're laughing at her braces and shamelessly tells everyone to get it out of their system.  They tell her that they were laughing at a typo and she decides to get her braces taken off.  Maybe she should keep them on until she realizes that the world doesn't revolve around her orthodontia and most people don't curr that much about whether someone has braces.

She needs better friends.

--

Carrie's story line needs wrapping up a bit.  On their second date, at Carrie's apartment, Power Wade gets a call from his mother while Carrie is making out with him.  So awkward.  She's going on and on, asking about whether he fed the dog his medicine.  Finally he realizes they can't continue their making out with his mom yakking in the background, and she's not stopping talking, so he picks up the phone.

On another date, they're back at Wade's mom's house.  He pulls out a bag of expensive weed and a home-made bong.  So that's why he can't afford to move out of mom and dad's.  They get high and end up eating buckets of KFC and playing with the hose on the balcony.

fun.

Power wade's parents drive up, and he goes into a panic. They have to find the weed cause if his mom finds it first, she'll kick him out of the house.

"But if they see billions of chicken wings, they're gonna know we were smoking the pot!" Carrie says between belly laughs.

 The parents come in, "Is that Marijuana I smell?"

I love it when straight-laced old people say things like Marijuana.

"um. no." Power Wade and Carrie look down, shamefully.

"Then what is this?  Did you bring Marijuana into this house?"

"Carrie brought it!"  Vile Betrayer!
 
She thinks about how, as a woman, she has to start taking responsibility for her actions (to tie it into the whole bat mitzvah theme from earlier). "Yes, Mrs. Adams. I brought the marijuana into the house.  And I'm taking it with me when I go!"  And she steals Power Wade's pot.

Serves him right, I say.

The foursome smoke it together, and they must have smoked a lot of it because they completely forget that they do this by the time season 6 comes around when they do it then.

--

I just have one last note, and this has been bothering me since I watched this episode for the first time, oh, eleven years ago.

At the bat mitzvah party, The 13-year-old girls are talking about how they're going to blow the members of N*sync.  Sam overhears them and tells them that they're children and shouldn't be talking like that.  "Talk to the hand grandma" one of them says.

The other one says, "Please. I've been giving blow jobs since I'm twelve."

This grammar structure comes up in the very next episode when Miranda says something like I haven't had this happen since I'm 26.

Is this how people talk?  Is it geographical?

This is literally the only time I've heard anyone say "since I'm X age." rather than "since I *was* x age."

And another thing, while I'm on the topic of strange "is this how we're talking now" grammar, has anyone else noticed the strange new use of the term 'anymore' on the internet?

For example, "we're not using it that way anymore"  is a perfectly adequate way to use the word 'anymore.'

but lately I've heard it thusly, "we're using it that way anymore."  I think the word they're looking for is 'still.'

anymore means any longer, an end to whatever it is.

It is driving me batty.  That is literally the opposite use of that word.  And it isn't like 'droll' or 'gingerly' or any number of words that sort of switched their original meaning and can now mean two opposite things depending on context.  I don't mind languages shifting like that.  It can be irritating, but I get it.  Languages are living things.  And people can be really dumb.

This is not that.  This is just asinine.

That's all.

Anywho, that's the end of that episode.  Hope you enjoyed it!

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Season 3 Episode 14 Sex and Another City

This episode is probably the better half of the two-part 'The girls are out of town' episodes.  It continues the theme from the last episode, and Charlotte's arch in general, that it isn't what's outside that counts.

That slick, L.A. veneer is covering something wicked and unseemly.

Hey, It's Halloween today!  How appropriate!

Carrie is spending an extra week in L.A., so it's important that she stay fresh -down there- but her indecipherable waxer takes matters into her own hands and swipes every last bit of hair she has down there.  oop.

I'm with Miranda, I would have killed her.

Course, I would never get a wax.







Carrie is warned about her bareness, that she should be very careful who she invites to Brazil because it makes people do crazy things!


Miranda has RSVP'ed No to their impromptu trip to Brazil, and is instead meeting her friend Lou.  Lou moved out to LA to write for David Letterman but now writes for what is obviously 'Friends'-- why they could name drop Letterman, but only vaguely describe Friends is beyond me.


Miranda scans the hippy new age cafe in search for Lou.  She thought he'd be easy to spot since he practically reeks of New York, but he blends in and he recognizes her first.

Apparently he's lost a lot of weight, and is on a new health kick along with the rest of L.A. and Miranda is disgusted.

"Wanna grab a drink?" he asks

"Yes, please, let's go. The sight of all these bleached teeth is blinding!"

God, could she be more judgemental? Doesn't she know that they need to keep their teeth white in case they get a call-back?  You know, cause everyone in LA is in the business.


"No, I mean grab something here.  This place is known for its green tea infusions!"

"Please? Infusions?  could LA be any worse?!"

I'm glad someone is saying it, cause that shit got tired.  I lived for awhile in the central coast of California, up near San Luis Obispo, and the Yoga and New Age Holistic shit is fucking exhausting.

Infusions is the least of it.

Miranda has to deal with the fact that with the several dozen pounds that Lou has lost, he's also lost the neuroses and unhappiness that New York people are known for.  (and ONLY New York people.)

--

Meanwhile, Carrie and Sam are unceremoniously being kicked off the red carpet.  They had decided to crash an after-movie premiere party and they are being called out for it.  They didn't see the movie, they are, honestly, acting like entitled jerks.

"Do you know who she is?!" See, told you.

"I know she's not *on the list*"

Sam thinks that they'd be treated differently in New York, and I don't see how.  But who knows?

While Sam is attempting to get the car from the valet, Carrie is greeted by a Hollywood -somebody-, who is on his cell phone and acting important.  It's Vince Vaughn, but he's not playing himself.  Well, he's not that great of an actor and he kind of always plays himself, but you know what I mean.

He tells Carrie after a little bit of flirtation that she and Sam aren't going anywhere, that they deserve to be treated with full VIP distinction and are fluttered into the party.

After Vince is distracted by his cell phone again, Sam and Carrie see Hugh Hefner from across the room.  To Sam, this was *the* celebrity sighting and she is completely agog.

I don't have any opinions about Hugh, not really, so I'll skip over politics and just say how much I detest people who can't stay off their phones in public places.  Vince, you suck.

Sam goes over to Hugh, who's adorned with several glossy blondes, and Sam is completely taken in by this gross, 80-year-old man's charm.

pictured: Hugh Hefner. probably.  I don't know, I can't see past gross old man to see features.



Vince gets off his phone long enough to flirt with Carrie and invite her to the VIP room. fun!

"This outsider was starting to like the view from the inside!" Narrator Carrie says.  God, these characters are so shallow.

Speaking of Shallow.

"Damn we make a fine looking couple."  It's Trey this time, talking to Charlotte as he kisses her neck.

She turns around, rubs her hand on his, well, let's just call it what he calls it "John Thomas" and says she has an itch. He pets her face and looks at her like she's asked him to kill kittens or rob a bank or something, then walks away.

She doesn't let him leave it at that.  She wants to make a sex life happen out of all of this mess.  She proposes viagra, and he poo poos it because of the risk to his heart.  Instead of at least cuddling her, he decides to go for a run.

D:

Sam decides to buy a fendi from some guy's trunk the next day.  She's super pleased that she paid $150 instead of $4000.  one-fifty is still a -LOT- to spend on a knock-off. just sayin'.

She shows it off to her friends, and tells Carrie that she can get them more if they just go to an address he gave her in a place called "The Valley." Like, Oh My Gawd, What a, like, weird foreign place, like, no one's ever heard of before!



ahem.

Charlotte decides to escape her reality in New York and surprises Carrie at her hotel.  Carrie is on her way out the door, meeting Vince, and tells her that Sam and Miranda are down by the pool.

Looking down at the glistening, muscled man-candy by the water, she's pretty pleased with herself.

yum!

So Carrie and Vince go to a house up in the hills.  It's absolutely huge, and Vince is pretty pleased with himself.  Carrie is like, "How the hell can you afford this?" and mums the word.

He should really be holding up a mirror, because really? Shoe boxes in New York are more expensive then this place.

--

Next morning, Charlotte orders an egg white omelet with steamed veggies and decides she loves L.A.

Miranda brags about how Lou might be the perfect combination of the left and right coasts-- about how he's lost his neurosis -and 30 pounds- but still roots for the Knicks. You know, the perfect guy for Miranda.

"I'm telling you, he's a changed man. He's really spiritual, and happy. He met the Dalai Lama."

"So?" Sam boasts, "I met Hugh Hefner!"

Then Miranda seems to feel shaken about her own neuroses and unhappiness.  Maybe she should let go of some of her own New York toxic anger.

"Yeah, but what would you do with all your spare time?" Carrie points out, rightly.

This is when Sam brags about the fake fendi and tells the others where they can get more.

Carrie is super impressed with the purse, her insides are 'on the outside' and she can't afford the genuine article anyway, but Miranda doesn't like fakes.

"Who cares? All that matters is what it looks like." Sam says.

Carrie spills out the purse, continuing to examine the stitch work.

"Could you have more condoms?" Charlotte asks.

"I did. yes."




Charlotte has her own moment of bragging, "I am just so happy to be out of that condom stage of life... So nice to go to bed with the same man every night."

The other three aren't super happy that Charlotte flew all this way to brag about being married and having all the sex.

She asks what she should do first, and Sam advises her to get a bikini wax.  Payback's a bitch.  ><

--

At "The Valley" the next day, like, whatever that could be, Sam and Carrie decide to pick out a bag for Carrie from the guy's trunk.

Narrator Carrie is having second thoughts, "...Even if everyone else thought it was real, I'd always know my bag came from a cardboard box in a trunk."

And doesn't that neatly tie the whole episode together?

Carrie talks about it with her friends later on, and it finally guilted Charlotte enough to admit -out loud- to everyone that her and her husband's marriage is a fake fendi.

"He can't even get it up!"

"What?" Sam -almost- sounds sarcastic.

"We've never had sex."

"You've never had sex?!" more near sarcasm from Sam.

Miranda is astonished "But you've been married for-"

"Over a month!" Charlotte finishes.

"You've never had sex!" Sam repeats.





Solemn head shake from Charlotte.  Carrie explains the issue, that it's emotional and not physical, and Miranda is annoyed that Carrie knew about it.

"She told me at the wedding."

"I was afraid you'd just say you told me so and then I should never have gotten married so quickly!"

Miranda tries on her understanding -less angry- persona, "Charlotte who am I to judge you? We all have our own paths in life."


"What am I gonna do?" Charlotte asks.



"Wait, You've never had sex?" Sam is stuck.

"SHE'S NEVER HAD SEX!" Carrie breaks her out of it.

"It's only been a month." the newly spiritual Miranda offers.

Sam suggests she show him Brazil, and Charlotte was missing for that part of the episode so I don't really understand whether they are being sarcastic right now.

"A second honeymoon to South America might do the trick!"



Finally we reach the part of the episode where the masks come off and people are honest.

Well, not before Carrie shows Vince her own Brazilian.

I love how the song Brazil plays in the background of this episode, btw. Great use of the theremin.

Miranda is on a date with Lou at a great high-end restaurant.

They're chatting about New York, whether he misses it.  He thinks writing for Friends is just like living in New York.  Miranda points out the biggest plot hole in Friends: "Twenty-somethings with tiny salaries don't live in huge SOHO lofts painted bright colors. It's totally fake."

(To be fair, Monica's loft is rent controlled, first rented by her dead grandmother.)

Lou is adamant that because the show has so many viewers, it is realistically New York.  Then he chews his food about four or five times and spits it into his napkin.

"Is something wrong with your steak?"

"No, uh-uh, it's great!"

Then he does it again, humming while he chews. He nonchalantly spits it out into his napkin again.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm tasting my food."

"Why aren't you swallowing your food?"

"Do you think I look this good by eating?"

What I want to know is how he can be in such a good mood when he's starving himself.  I forget to eat and I am HANGRY.

 --

Next morning, at Vince's very large house, Carrie and Vince are interrupted in their cuddling by an irate Carrie Fisher.


"What the FUCK do you think you're doing?!  I told you, no prostitutes while you're house sitting!"

"You're a house sitter?!"

"Personal Assistant. Personal assistant." Still trying to save face.

Carrie Fisher name drops several big Hollywood names, and Carrie realizes that the life she's coveting isn't Vince's at all but all these Hollywood elites.

OK, but what difference does it make to Carrie? It's pretend for her whether Vince is a house sitter, uh, I mean personal assistant, or whether the house and expensive car belong to him.

Fully disillusioned, Carrie and Miranda join Sam and Charlotte for one last LA romp at the playboy mansion.

Charlotte is no longer missing her husband at home.  She's flirting and drinking heavily with a guy who is talking to her about art.  She realizes that she should check herself, since it is inappropriate to flirt with other men while being married.  The guy laughs it off; "It's the playboy mansion!  It could be a lot worse."

Then he offers to buy her boobs.

"Excuse me?"

This nice, intellectual guy has offered Charlotte a set of fake breasts, so Charlotte leaves him in search of her actual friends.  Maybe her marriage isn't so bad.

yeah, maybe not.

Sam has also had a bit of drama.  Her fake fendi's been stolen!  Now she's on a rampage, searching for it.

There!  A playboy bunny's got her bag!

"It's my bag." The bunny insists.

Hugh has shown up to defend his property uh, his girlfriend. "She says it's her bag."

"Look on the inside, there's a label that says 'made in china' and there's a bunch of condoms in there."

Now who's insides are on the outside?

It isn't the fake fendi, though. It's genuine.  Hugh kicks Sam out of the party, and she insists on collecting her friends first.  They are all very willing to leave and go back home to New York.

Miranda is back to being pissed off all the time (the way we like her!), Charlotte is grateful for a man who doesn't overtly sexualize her, Sam has learned that not everything at the playboy mansion is fake, and Carrie's learned to be grateful for her own genuine, gritty apartment.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Season 3 Episode 13 Escape from New York

This episode is sort of a part 1, it and the next episode mostly take place in Los Angeles.  Well, the fictionalized, according to New Yorkers, Los Angeles.




If I were to draw a map of the U.S. according to Sex and the City, I would have labeled the entire state of California "Hollywood" and everything else, save NYC, "The Country."

So the foursome start off at brunch.  Miranda, Sam, and Carrie are all plotting a trip to California.  Some Very Small Film Studio's Executive's assistant (VSFSEA) is talking about optioning her column.  I guess that means a movie? (after six seasons of course)


(It's funny because this show *is* six seasons and a movie.  we don't talk about the other movie)

Carrie is still all bummed out about losing Aiden and thinks that a quick change of scenery will help lift her out of her funk.

Charlotte has come home from her honeymoon in Bermuda.  She has pictures of all the golfing they did and wearing of Bermuda shorts they wore. It seems lame.

And it is. After Miranda and Sam conveniently leave the scene, Carrie and Charlotte have a mini conversation where they both announce that they are doing good, then admit that each of their lives is shit:

Carrie: I told Aiden about the affair and he broke up with me.

Charlotte: Trey and I didn't have sex on our honeymoon.

She wins. err. loses.

Carrie tries to give advice about impotence, and Charlotte is in complete denial.

"My husband can't be impotent, he's gorgeous."

"Alright then, glad you solved that!"

--

So Carrie Miranda and Sam leave Charlotte behind and head off to Hollywood.

At the hotel, there's a man behind the counter who's mostly naked and reading a magazine.  They think that is a very good representation of the average job in L.A.

Miranda finds out that her room wasn't booked, and is less then pleased about this development.

Carrie thinks that the best explanation for this emotion is that she's from New York.  People who live in California have never heard of being inconvenienced and annoyed by it.  Especially with all the traffic.  New Yorkers invented 'pissed off' don'tchaknow?


Miranda opts to share a room with Carrie, and Carrie doesn't want Miranda complaining about her smoking, and that's when Carrie learns that her hotel room is non-smoking.


At the bar, a little later on, they go their separate ways.

Sam meets a dildo model (cause of course she does), Miranda meets a guy who finds her hilarious and then ditches her to follow a set of tits, and Carrie meets the VSFSEA who is really fucking annoying.  She's talking with Carrie about the columns, and about how much she relates to Carrie the writer.  VSFSEA digs into Carrie about her age, and also calls someone across the room a loser, at one point she said a guy should have his balls cut off. what a charmer!

She reveals to Carrie that they have an actor interested, and forces Carrie to guess who it might be. Carrie isn't into Hollywood and doesn't know any famous people's names. This is when the show sort of steps out of the fourth wall and it is kind of awkward. It is awkward when shows are aware of their status as shows, mentions real actors, and then actors play themselves, right?  awkward.

VSFSEA mouths a name between her hands and does a little happy fingers dance, but her lips definitely didn't say what the voice over said which was "Matthew Mcconaughey"

--


Meanwhile, Back in New York,  Trey is being a good husband.  He's making a list on the computer of all the gifts and who sent them. It's super nice, but not exactly what Charlotte had in mind when she got into that very naughty lacey nighty.  She comes up behind him, chewing his ear, and he is just not interested at all.





"Trey.  We have a problem."

"I know.  Somehow we got to serving platters and we only registered for one."

Back in the City of Angels, Carrie has rented a beautiful Vintage Ford Mustang.  That she can't drive.

Let's pause and enjoy the irony of that.  Indeed, I think that is actually a really apt metaphor for Carrie in general.

 "Why didn't you just get an automatic?"

"I love this car.  It goes with my outfit!"

They're stuck trying to go up hill, Carrie is grinding the gears and falling back terrifyingly.  Sam makes a quick escape, "I'm not going to die in this tin can! I have a date with a dildo."

(priorities, amiright?)

Miranda sticks (heh) around and attempts to help Carrie jerk the car uphill. I don't know how much help, if Miranda knows how to drive so well, why doesn't she just do the driving?

--

Later on, Carrie has her meeting with my left boob  uh, Matthew Mcconaughey, and he really is a boob.  It is a very jarring meeting.  Carrie thought it was a meeting to discuss her columns, and story ideas, but Matthew Mcconaughey thinks it's an acting challenge.  He's inserting himself as Mr Big, but gets the character completely wrong, and it is completely unprofessional.

Rather than take it for what it was (an inappropriate guy doing unprofessional things) Carrie takes what Matthew Mcconaughey as a roast against her.  It's kind of Sad, actually.

Matthew Mcconaughey has posited that Carrie was equally at fault for the implosion of Mr Big and Carrie, and calls it bullshit when Carrie points out, obviously, that Big had commitment problems.

She's shaken up by him, not because he's being a weird actor guy, but because of what he says. As if it has any weight on her and her life.

So, at the end of the episode she decides not to meet with Matthew Mcconaughey and VSFSEA again.

And the odd thing is, she still stays in L.A. for another week.  Wouldn't the studio contact her about how she can't stay in L.A. on their dime anymore if she isn't going to work with them?

eh?

--

Sam takes the foursome to a sex toy party.  I guess her dildo-boyfriend told her about it.  The party features one of those cakes shaped like genitals that was in quite a few shows back in the early 2000s.

Miranda is amazed that sex is *everywhere* in L.A. (And she hasn't even gone to the Valley yet!). She points to a woman at the party dressed *very* scantily and wishes she could be like her.

Carrie slut shames the woman (literally calling her a hooker), and the lady overhears and reveals that she's actually a lawyer for disney.  So stfu, Professional women can dress slutty, and professional Women can too. Equal opportunity, baby.

They act like she's dressing like this all the time.  It's a dildo party.  She can dress like that if she wants. It's not like it's court. Christ.

Miranda talks about New York like sex is hidden, like the men in NY have to search for sexy underneath her witty banter. But now that she's out of town and wants to have frivolous sex, she doesn't care if the men in L.A. think she's slutty.  It's vacation slut.  It washes right out.

 Miranda and Carrie want to leave the party, but Sam says they haven't cut the cock yet.  :DDD

"I wonder if it's cream filled?"

Sam goes back to her hotel room with Mr. Dildo.  It turns out, he's more than just a dick. He wants to tell her about her poetry and move to New York and pursue porn there.  Sam decides she would rather not have to introduce him to people and breaks it off. (but she took the best part of him with her).

--

Back in New York, Charlotte calls Carrie to whine about her husband.  Carrie advises her to tie a piece of paper around his dick when he's sleeping, and if it rips in the night he can get hard.  (or, you know, he is bothered by the piece of paper and rips it off himself in the night)

Also, Carrie and Charlotte ALREADY KNOW that he can achieve an erection.  She gave him a handy a few episodes ago.

Charlotte uses a line of stamps (from the thank you notes).  I don't know how she manages to tie it around his dick without him noticing, or at all.

But success!  We learned nothing new!

OH NO, though!  Since it isn't a physical problem it has to be *emotional* and there are no quick sleuthy solutions for that.

--

One of the last scenes, Carrie is smoking by the pool.  It's late at night, and there are no other guests around.  A hotel worker comes by.  Carrie thinks he's asking her to put out her cigarette, but he just wanted to keep her company.

"No thanks, I'd like to be alone."

And as if that was something profound, Narrator Carrie-- the unreliable narrator-- says something "deep" about Carrie.  That she does want to be alone.  Well, she *did* just get a new dildo.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Season 3 Episode 12 Don't Ask Don't Tell

Miranda starts off this episode speed dating.  She learns after a few quick dates that men don't like women to have powerful jobs, so she decides to lie and say she's a sexy stewardess.  It's a social experiment, and so far it's working.  She's landed a sexy ER doctor type!

At Charlotte's rehearsal dinner, Miranda tells her friends about her interesting experiment, noting that eventually she'll tell him and if he balked it would make him totally shallow.

I don't know what she means, why wouldn't he be weirded out and upset by the fact that the second thing she told him was a lie?

Aiden rightly points out that she really can't date him effectively since she did lie to him, and it makes Carrie squirm in her seat. She's the liar, and she's wondering when and if she should tell him about her affair.

Trey stands up from the other side of the room to offer a toast.  It really is a sweet thing, I'm going to be sad when their relationship implodes over the next few episodes. :/

"I... uh, we.  See mother, I told you I'd become a 'we' sooner or later. This is, uh, a 'we' toast..."

 He introduces his Cousin who flew all the way from Edinburgh to say a few incomprehensible lines of dialogue.

I've no idea what he actually says.  But Sam's interest is piqued, "if he can do that with his 'R's,' imagine what he can do to me."

But not yet.

Unfortunately, the ladies have to go for a dress fitting first, and Sam is not happy at all about it.

I'll never understand how these ladies and others in other shows can be such assholes to each other.  None of them appreciate being bridesmaids, and they are grimacing and putting up with all it entails rather than, you know, being happy for her friend and grateful to be apart of her week uh, day.

During the fitting, they are debating the finer points of whether Carrie should tell Aiden about the affair.

Miranda, the Lawyer masquerading as a Stewardess, thinks that she would want to know if she was being lied to.

Sam thinks that since Men lie about it all the time, that Carrie should get off Scott free and not tell him.

Charlotte doesn't want to think about it during her wedding week. ("day. you get a day.") And she doesn't want Miranda pretending anything on her special day.  She's still absolutely obsessed with image, rather than substance.

Sam hates the length of her dress, and Charlotte teaches everyone a great mnemonic.

"Don't you think this could stand to be a -little- shorter?" Sam asks, irritated.

"Samantha, all the dresses have to be the same length." Charlotte says like everyone knows that. duh.

"What about Trey's Skirt?"



"It's a kilt, and it's tradition. Is it SO much to ask that you not wear your dress up around your 'see you next Tuesday'?"

"My what?"

"You know, C-U-Next--"

"Tuesday! Carrie finishes, "My god was that a School House Rock I missed?"



 what a cunt.

Sam complains that if she has to be a bridesmaid, she wants to look good.  Charlotte admits that she only asked her to be a bridesmaid so she wouldn't feel left out. Sam figures she would rather be left out and with Caleb, the indecipherable Scot, and leaves.

Wow, speaking of Cunts.

--

Miranda goes on a real date with the ER doctor.  She has on a neck scarf thing that is very stewardess, and spends the whole night make-believing a life she has between airports.  It's actually kind of pathological.

--

The ladies go out for a few (too many) drinks the night before the wedding.  I think it's supposed to be Charlotte's bachelorette party.

They really are clueless about what Marriage entails, but I guess I can forgive it since none of them are married or have ever been married.

They push that weird little insidious lie that Marriage is an ending.

"You know, Marriage doesn't guarantee a happy ending, just an ending" Sam makes me roll my eyes a lot.

"The end of dating!" (well, I guess technically that one is true. Thanks Charlotte)

"It's also the end of the possibility that your next great fuck is just around the corner." There Sam goes again, spouting the old adage that married people don't have great sex.

"Well," Charlotte is practically hiccuping, "My next great.. Fuck.. IS just around the corner.  I finally get to sleep with Trey."


Get to?

oh honey sweety baby, no.

The other three lay into her about how this is a really bad idea.

"Before you buy the car, you take it for a test drive!" Sam informs.

Charlotte insists that she wants to save her non-virginal-self till marriage, and that it is totally not something that will blow up in her face... unless that's something she's into.

After the party, the foursome split up to get some from their respective partners.

Charlotte decides that maybe they have a point.  It is the night before the wedding after all, practically her wedding day.

But.. he can't get it up.


She asks if this is common for him, and it is.  He sweetly asks her to marry him anyway, and how do you say no to that? It is a whole big mess.

--

Carrie meets Aiden at his place.  He's working on a wooden love seat for the couple.  I don't know why he isn't done yet.  Carrie had asked Aiden if they could give Charlotte and Trey something from his furniture store, so he put together this very thoughtful chair. It's made from two different woods, and it is all very romantic and sweet.

This always rubbed me the wrong way though, not the seat itself, but Carrie always demanding from Aiden way more than she is willing to give-- and after she cheated on him too.  In a future episode, next season, she asks him to go check on Miranda and take her to the doctor when Miranda kinks her neck and can't move from her bathroom floor. Totally inappropriate and totally taking advantage of him.

They make out a bit in front of the love seat. Aiden is explaining the metaphor to very inebriated Carrie-- that the two woods come together to make it stronger, like two people, and that the little flaw where they meet is not really a flaw, it's just the way the wood is."

"So flaws can be good?"

"They're the best part."

He's not really talking about relationship damning actions, but Carrie thinks to herself that he is and nearly decides to tell him about the affair.

She doesn't, and they do it.  She doesn't tell him one last time on the porch later on that night. Instead she says she loves him.

At her apartment the next morning, she's running late for the wedding.  Aiden is looking really dapper in his brown suit and cream shirt. He tries to hold her a little bit, but she is not into his affection, and not just because she's running late.  It finally just bursts out of her mouth.

"Aiden, I slept with my ex-boyfriend. You met him at the furniture show and we slept together and I didn't tell you and I'm sorry."

"You slept with that guy while we were going out? once?"

 "oh more than once. And he was married and it was a mess, but it is so over." she moves to, I dunno hug him? and he backs away slowly.

He is visibly shaken, he hands her the wedding gift (it's just a wrapped picture of it, obviously), and says he needs to be alone and I don't even blame him. 

"Well, what about the wedding?"  Even after ALL that, she still demands he do things for her.

"Just go without me."

--- 

How about something fun now!

Miranda, still posing as a stewardess, is sharing breakfast with her sexy ER doctor man. She's cutting a bagel when her knife slips and she cuts herself.

She's really bleeding, and tries to show it to him several times.  He's backing away panicking.

"Stop it! Stop it! Blood makes me queasy!"

"But, you're a doctor! Aren't you?"

Nope.  He's a shoe salesman, he just really wanted to sleep with a stewardess.  ><

"So you lied?!" The hypocrisy is strong with this one.

She doesn't end up telling him the truth, because what would be the point of that?  They could have ended up laughing together if she had.

"I think you should go. And I hope I never see you on one of my flights."


--

At the wedding, Sam is suddenly fluent in Caleb's accent.

And, surprisingly, happy-ish to be a bridesmaid.

"The wedding was complete." Narrator Carrie makes the best joke of the episode: "Charlotte had something old, something new, something borrowed, and someone Samantha Blew."

At the last possible moment, Carrie shows up.  Being Maid of Honor, she is the last to walk up the aisle, and Charlotte stops the procession to pull her back.  She has to tell her about Trey's little problem right now.

"Trey can't get it up!"

Carrie wishy washes a little, lies a little bit to make Charlotte feel better.

"I just should have slept with him on the first date!"

 


"Maybe he jerked off right before you got there?" Carrie tries.

"I do love him."

"And he loves you."

"Maybe he *did* jerk off."

And finally Carrie offers actual good advice to the woman with cold feet:

"Charlotte, sweetie.  If you don't want to go through this, you don't have to. Alright? we'll just get a cab, and then everyone will have to just get over it."

But Charlotte, standing in a very expensive wedding dress decides she'd rather ruin the next several months of her life than be embarrassed in front of all these people.  eh, it's a toss up, isn't it?

I'm pretty sure the bagpipes start playing a traditional funeral march as she walks down the aisle, but I'm not sure.

After the ceremony, right before pictures, Aiden shows up.  He wants to talk to Carrie.  Ok, he wants to break up with Carrie.

Carrie reminds him of the wood from the love seat, that it is flawed but that's OK. But he isn't buying it. 

He says that he wishes she never told him about it.

What a pisser.
 
So he leaves, and she is left sobbing.  They need her for pictures, and she is friend enough to buck up and fake a smile.

Narrator Carrie waxes a bit about how her friends at least love her no matter what.

 I guess there's something.

That's the end of that one.

The next few episodes are not really my favorite, and in fact, most of the rest of the season feels dated and like a different show.  I'll get through it though!  There's so much more of Carrie that I have to criticize! :D whew!

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Season 3 Episode 11 Running With Scissors

This episode has my favorite Miranda story in the whole series.  I've probably already said this, and I might say it again, but it is definitely top 5.

As for Carrie, this is almost as low as when she demands Aiden ask for forgiveness for what she's about to do to him in this episode.

The title of this episode is right on the nose here.  The one thing we all remember being told as kids, don't run with scissors, you're going to get hurt.


The episode starts out in a series of hotel rooms.  Carrie and Mr. Big are having a grand affair.  The stuff of legends and books and it is so very sexy.  Until it's not.  As time advances, the rooms get dingier and dingier and finally reality sets in.

"It's so hot, and we can't open the window!" Carrie complains

"You picked the hotel."

"I picked it cause it's on 56th and 8th. No one knows us on 56th and 8th. 56th and 8th is safe."

And finally Carrie seems to realize what shitstains she and Big are and asks "Who are we?"

--

Carrie does the right thing and gets Miranda's opinion about all this. Miranda really is trying her damndest not to be a jerk, you know, since Carrie is already beating herself up about it. And also, things are different when you're friends with someone who is acting out.  It is a really difficult situation all around.

"I'm in the middle of this and I can't see, so I need you to yank me out of it." Carrie says.

"What about Aiden?" Miranda and the Audience ask plainly.

"Yes, exactly! What about Aiden? I would die if he found out and now Big's acting jealous and I'm so afraid that he's going to call him or do something stupid. He's already threatened to tell Natasha."

"Well, what did you think would happen?" Miranda is hitting all the right notes.

"I didn't think, I just did.  And now I'm terrified that we messed it all up and now it can never be what it was supposed to be. I'm just so confused, does he only want me now because he can't have me?"

"Yes." Miranda says without taking a beat. "Forget about him.  What do you want?"

"I want everyone to get out of this without anyone getting hurt."

"oh, that's realistic."

Carrie describes her fantasy, that everyone will get out and be happy in their original relationships without anyone being the wiser, and Miranda sarcasms on that as well.

"Carrie, you have to just stop."

"I am. I'm stopping... I am."

"Good."

They chat a bit about how Charlotte would die of heart palpitations if she found out that Carrie was cheating, since she's obsessed with her wedding right now, so the only two people on the whole island of Manhattan who don't know about this whole thing are Charlotte and Aiden.

--

Because no episode featuring wedding dresses is complete without a whole bit about AIDs, Sam has to take that one.  She meets a guy in a bar who is as renowned as she is, but he won't fuck her unless she gets tested for diseases.  This is such a modern plotline, and I really wonder why Sam doesn't have the same policy already.

She's actually *never* been tested for HIV because she's terrified that she might have it.  That's reasonable.

Don't!

(that's an in-joke!!)

At breakfast with the other three, she talks about her fears.  Her friends sort of freak her out more.

Miranda warns Sam about the little room where she'll get her results if they're not good, which is only a set up for a future scene, but... don't they mail results to you, or call? I've never heard of lab results given like that.

 When Sam goes in for the test, it is actually hilarious the line of questioning that they give her.

(and pedantic me notices absolutely no questions about drug use but I'll forgive them this, because this is hilarious)

"Do you have sex?"

"Yes."

"Do you have oral sex. Give, receive?"

"Yes. Yes, yes."

"Do you have anal sex?"

"yes" she answers timidly.

this goes on a few more questions, then finally,

"How many sexual partners have you had?"

-insert loooong silence and Sam looking up toward her brain, counting--

"...I'm counting..."

-another silence-

 "uh, this year?"


In the end of her storyline, Sam *is* motioned back to the little room. She panics and faints in the middle of the waiting room. It was all for nothing though, they wanted to take her back only to have a discreet conversation about safe sex.

And in the end, she gets to have fun sexy sex with the renowned sexy man on a swing, even!
--

Back to Charlotte.  At the brunch, she had acquired an acute case of bridezilla and was trying to infect her friends.  They were immune.  She had brought in a whole stack of bride magazines, looking for the perfect dress.

"There are 1400 dresses in this magazine, and I've only seen 600 of them, I need help!"

"Listen, you need to chill the fuck out and hire yourself a stylist!" Sam yelps-- uh, I mean helps.

"A stylist?"

"Some little minion to run around town doing your dress bidding."

"I can hire someone to do that for me?"

"Honey, this is New York, you can hire anyone to do anything."

She hires Anthony Marantino and they pick the dress in less than 4 tries.

--

When Carrie is writing in her little laptop, she is asking the big questions.  And she is so off base, I don't even know where to begin.

"Later that night I got to thinking about safe sex," Writer Carrie says, "Odd, how only when our physical life is at risk do we follow certain guidelines to protect ourselves."

Has she never heard of boundaries?  And self-protection?

She continues, "Wouldn't it be nice if there was a pamphlet to warn us what behaviors might be 'high risk?' to ourselves or our relationships?"

Has the affair made her stupid?

I'm only kidding.  She was already stupid.

I don't even know who her audience is here, cause it is so dumb.

And sure, maybe I come across as a little pious, but I feel like most people know what behaviors are risky to our emotional selves.

things like:

getting emotionally involved too quickly.
sleeping with someone who is unavailable.
cheating on someone.
cheating on someone with a married ex.
trying to get back together with someone that you previously cheated on and expecting them to just forgive you for it.
saying yes to being engaged with someone that you don't want to marry.
ending up with a guy who only wants you when he can't have you.

I could go on and on with Carrie's mistakes.  But I'll stop.  She really is the worst.

I guess the show would be rather boring if there wasn't Carrie to be a ginormous poster board for bad choices.

And finally, How is she even a sex columnist?


--
OK!  Finally to the fun story line!

Miranda is walking along mid-day, pissed off about a lawyer-attorney-brief-subpoena-objection-thingy, (she's a lawyer if you forgot) when suddenly a man in a sandwich suit says, "Eat me."

--But he doesn't say it in the sandwich way--

And she is royally pissed about it.

 Three days later, she walks by the sandwich man and he says it again: "Eat me."

And she stops short, turns around and shouts at him: "OK that's it.  You're not allowed to harass women like that."

"Eat me."

 "We'll see about that!" She is so pissed that she walks into the Hoagie restaurant and demands to speak to the manager.

"That sandwich out front is saying sexually explicit things to women as they walk by."

"What'd he say?"

"Eat me."

"yeah, he's a sandwich."

"No. He didn't say it in the -sandwich- way, he said it in the -sexually harassing- way."

"Lady, He's a sandwich."

Clearly this conversation is going nowhere, so she leaves.  And when she walks by again, he says it again: "Eat me."

"Oh you're so brave inside your sandwich!" She shouts at the Sandwich.  I'm rolling.

OK, So, yeah.. even typing this out, it feels really really wrong to laugh at.  If I were in this sort of situation with a whole lot of plausible deniability on the side of the guy doing the harassing, I would be pissed too.

But it is still the best Miranda plot line on the show.  It is so friggin hilarious.

Miranda notices a hint of a smile behind the mesh, and realizes that he is a person in there, and because it's Miranda and she gets a hard-on for really mean men, she starts fantasizing about the man inside the bun.

She even has a whole phone conversation with Carrie about how she can't have sex with a sandwich, but she wants to.

"That is one fresh sandwich." Carrie's one fun line in the episode.

The last time she walks by the sub shop, the sandwich says his line, and she asks to see his face.  He's cute, young, has a nice smile.

But.

She can't end up with a sandwich, so she walks away and that's the end of that.

Fun fact, if you watch this on amazon prime, you can see pictures of the actors and their names on the side of the screen.  The picture for this guy is of him in the sandwich suit.  poor guy! :(

--

The last few bits of the episode are all about Carrie, so bear with me.

Carrie is still "stopping her affair"-- ie waiting for Big at a hotel somewhere to bang him on his lunch break, when she runs into Charlotte on the street.  Charlotte is like, 'wtf are you doing around here?' and then Big walks up between Charlotte and Carrie.



She knows.

Big tries to lie his way out of it, but she knows.

She stammers something about being in this part of town to see her tailor about her dress.

(fun story, in the director's commentary, Michael Patrick King talks about a scene that was omitted where Charlotte cuts her dress with scissors, but that really would have been too on the nose.  Ok, not that fun.)

Later on, Charlotte and Carrie have an honest discussion about all this while Carrie helps her pack up her stuff for moving. (man this whole wedding stuff is going at warp speed!)

Charlotte rightfully points out that Carrie is only thinking about herself and what would happen to her if she got caught.  She's not thinking about Natasha who will be devastated to their core by their actions.

"You're the other woman, Carrie"

Carrie finally gets it. Although not really, since her very next scene she's at Big's apartment while Natasha is away at the Hamptons.

They have one more conversation about how guilty and terrible Carrie feels.  She says that they shouldn't see each other anymore. Big, again, says that he's going to call Natasha, right the fuck now. And Carrie tells him not to.  For once, I'm on Carrie's side.  that is not something you call to tell someone while they're at the beach.

"What are you gonna do? are you gonna call her at the beach and say that you love me and you want a divorce?"

"You don't want me to call her because you're still in love with that other guy. This is about that other guy."

And for the zillionth time, she corrects him. "The other guy has a name. It's Aiden. And you have a wife, Natasha."

Big demands, "give me the phone."

"And if you really wanted to tell her you would have told her by now."

"What the fuck, you told me not to tell her!"

"Here. call her." She calls his bluff.

"If I make that call, are you going to be there for me?" For once, he's not bluffing.

"Are we going to do this, really?"

"Carrie. In or Out?"

And she needs more time.

"I'm calling her on Monday."

 He leaves her alone in the apartment.

And rather than get the hell out of there, she takes a shower and walks around the apartment ogling Natasha's things, trying to get a feeling for the kind of woman Natasha is.

Apparently Natasha is someone who comes home early from the Hamptons.

And like a child, Carrie runs away from her, and Natasha follows and stumbles down the stairs, breaking a tooth.

To the Emergency Room!


Big shows up a few hours later.  For some reason Carrie is still there.

Carrie tells Big about the accident on her way out of the waiting room. As she's leaving, Big says to her "I'll call you."

"For what? We're so over, we need a new word for over."

And finally the affair is ended.

So much for no one getting hurt.

"Surprise!"  Aiden is at her apartment.

Remember him?

"Where you been all day?"  And she lies to him -again- and goes to wash her face in the bathroom.

The last line of the show is narrator Carrie, and it is so delusional I can't even.

"Somehow I had found a way to let myself out of the mess and I'd made it home."

NO, CARRIE.  Your ex-boyfriend's wife caught you in her apartment and fell down the stairs.  That is not YOUR terms.  You didn't intend for it to happen.

GRRR.

So, will Carrie tell Aiden about the affair now that it's over?  Will Charlotte ever find out that Trey can't get it up? Will Miranda end up with a Hoagie!  Find out next time!

<3

Friday, September 15, 2017

Season 3 Episode 10 All or Nothing

huh, I only just realized that in my last post, I labelled it as season 2.  oooop.

Ah well, moving on.

At the end of the last episode, Carrie had found herself in bed with Big.  And how did that happen?

So, that happened.

So far, it's just a one-off, and she doesn't want to talk to her friends about it for fear of scorn and judgement.

The foursome are at Sam's place, celebrating her life with a drunk viewing of An Affair to Remember.  Good job, show.  Right on the nose.

Before the movie, the foursome are very enthusiastic about how happy they are in their lives-- especially Sam.  She compares herself to her mother when she was her age: a sad woman saddled with three kids and a drunk husband.

Carrie quips that now she's just saddled with three drunk friends.  :DD

Charlotte thinks it's sad that Sam can be happy without a man, "I really think that having it all really means having someone to share it with."

"oh please, that is so Barney!"

"Well, I'm sorry!  My life wasn't really complete until I met Trey!" Charlotte insists.

Miranda is the audience here, nodding along and trying to be happy for her friend.

I really don't understand this about Charlotte.  She literally *just* met him a few weeks ago.  And what about her life before? was it really so void of meaning and fulfillment?  What a whole lot of weight to put on some guy she doesn't know has erectile dysfunction yet.

Funny line ahoy: "And Trey's mom is so great!"

She doesn't even know that his mom is a tyrant yet, either!

She is so desperate for a storybook ending, she doesn't realize that getting married is not actually the end of anything.


Ok, well *that* one was.

"You see us Manhattan! We have it all!"  Sam shouts out the window to the indifferent Meat Packing District.

"Fuck yous!"  A Meat Packer replies.

"You wish!"

At the end of their little movie night, and after Charlotte and Miranda go home, Carrie opens up to Sam about the affair.

 Sam really is the nicest character on the show.  She's the most caring, compassionate, and non-judgemental person.  She asks a few simple questions, but is really just there to comfort her friend.  It is super nice.

She doesn't even criticize Carrie's terrible fashion choice.  She's got on a light blue top with bleach stains all over it, random strips of various sized red fabric sewn as a makeshift collar and rhinestones along the neckline.  It is the worst shirt I've ever seen in my life.

And Sam doesn't even mention it.

She's such a good friend.

 Rather than go home after movie night, Carrie goes to Aiden's place, wakes him up in the middle of the night, and spends the rest of the night with him.  He has to get up early though, to make a furniture delivery that weekend upstate.

I don't believe this for a minute.  For the amount of money that each of these pieces cost, there's no way he can't afford a deliveryman or four.  But I guess I'll bite.

Carrie is inconveniently left alone for the weekend.  And we all know how this is going to go.


Meanwhile, Sam "I have it all" Jones has woken up with the flu.  She attempts to close her room-wide curtain, but can't quite reach it all that well and falls over. The curtain rod breaks from the wall and sunshine streams in.  It is so sad.  And Sam has no mans to come over and fix it for her. D:

None of the men she has on call want to come over to fix it for her either: "I can't even blow my nose let alone blow you!!"

--


Charlotte and Trey are at an upscale department store picking out wedding china.

"$1300?!"

Charlotte wants it all, and she wants Trey to pay for it.

"They're very beautiful."

"Yes. They'll look lovely under the ramen noodles we'll be forced to eat due to my outstanding China loans."

She gives him the biggest puppy-dog eyes she can muster, and he's forced to acquiesce.

The shop-worker (on commission, I imagine) looks incredibly impressed by Charlotte's manipulation.

And speaking of manipulation, on Trey's way out of the scene, he hands Charlotte his list of invitees for the engagement party, and tucked away under it is a prenuptial agreement.

sneaky sneaky.

Charlotte is taken completely aback, and has her lawyer friend Miranda take a look over it.

According to Miranda, it looks standard.  They get into a whole discussion of prenups and the reality of two people merging assets.  Charlotte doesn't want her illusion to end, she also thinks she's worth a lot more than what the prenup has valued her as.

It is all very rich people stuff.  I understand alimony, but $500,000 isn't enough?  Really?  It is supposed to set Charlotte up to stand up to Trey's mom, Bunny, but it really just makes Charlotte look like a selfish Cow.

--

The episode wouldn't be complete without a small Miranda story line.

While Miranda is talking to Charlotte about prenups, an old lawyer friend from Chicago says hi, and they decide to go on a date.  The date ends with a doorway make-out, but he has an early flight so they decide to continue the relationship remotely-- err remote phonely. phone sex.  We'll just call him Phoney.

There's a hilarious scene where Miranda is flicking the bean while phone sexing with Phoney.  She has call waiting, sits up and answers the phone.  It's Charlotte.

Charlotte wants to talk about negotiating with Trey and Bunny, meanwhile Miranda is hot and sweaty from phone sexing.  It is hilarious.  She switches lines between Charlotte and Phoney, laying down and sitting up and laying down again.

"Charlotte this is not a good time, I'll call you tomorrow!"

In their next phone sex adventure, Miranda is the one put on hold. But something weird happens.  Rather than come back to the phone remembering where they left off, old Phoney has gone on without her, "We hadn't gotten to that yet!" which leads Miranda to believe that he's having phone sex with other people.

and my suspension of disbelief has broken again.

Did he just start up a phone sex conversation as a matter of course with the lady who beeped in?  And how did they get farther along in their sexing before Miranda and phoney did?  Do they not have phone-foreplay?

"We never discussed exclusivity!" Phoney explains simply.

Miranda hangs up on Phoney.

---

Meanwhile, back in Carrie's timeline.  Guys, I don't want to do this.  It is so stupid.

Carrie does what we all know she will with an empty apartment and Aiden off in the boonies somewhere delivering a couch.

She calls Big.  She just wants to talk.  They can just talk...

...yeah, no they can't.

When Aiden comes home a few days later, he is none the wiser, and she is torn.

She carries her guilt over to Sam's place.  Sam is still battling actual problems and is delusional with fever.  Carrie is nice enough to make Sam's mother's recipe for frozen overdose: orange fanta and Robitussin blended over ice.  So much robotussin.

geez.

Sam cries to Carrie that she's all alone, that without a man she has nothing.

Her flu had turned her into Charlotte.

And meanwhile, Carrie is smoking again.

---

At the much anticipated engagement party, Miranda, Carrie and now-healthy Sam have realized that Charlotte has drank the kool aid and is willingly signing herself up to be a Stepford Wife.  So many Wasps.


 I don't know why it's surprising, really.  Charlotte's been trying to land a sexy doctor-type man for years.

Charlotte let's her friends know that she's still a selfish Cow and hasn't signed the prenup.  She still wants to negotiate her value with Bunny.  So it's bunny v. cow.



Charlotte gets what she wants, signs the prenup, and tells her friends all about it.

They are left bittersweet, and it is so lonesome on their walk home without her.

---

The final scene is a real doozy.  Carrie is hanging out in her apartment with Aiden and the dog when she gets a call from Big.

"I need to see you."

 "Miranda, I'll call you back."

"I'm downstairs.  If you don't come down, I'm coming up."

"Right, I'll call you later."

If it weren't so horrible, I would commend her for thinking on her feet so easily.

She actually offers to walk Pete the dog as a pretext for going downstairs.  Rather than, you know, continuing the Miranda theme and not having a dog along.  But Ok.  She has the dog on a leash.


Carrie complains that Big wants it all, he wants the wife and the girl to screw.  He claims that he just wants Carrie.  He threatens to tell Natasha, and Carrie tells him not to.  She still wants to be with Aiden.

Projecting much, Carrie?

"I have a man that loves me, and you have a wife that loves you."

"Don't talk about him and her like it's you and me."

"You have no right to do this.  You can't just come into my life and fuck it all up!"

Big points out what we're all thinking, "Well I think there were two people doing the fucking here, Carrie."

Carrie doesn't notice that she's let go of the leash, meanwhile, and Pete has walked off back down the street.

Carrie shouts at the dog, whose started galloping and Big actually asks "Where are you going?" Like she's some sort of monster who would let her boyfriend's dog get away.

dick.

He chases after the both of them, and she tells him to go home.

Finally, hours later, she's come home reeking of cigarettes.  There's no dog, it's been raining for quite awhile, and she is completely defeated.  She decides to come clean about the cheating with Aiden.

But there, next to Aiden in her apartment, is the dog.  Pete knows what she did and won't come for her.  Aiden chides Carrie for taking a dog running away so seriously.

What is wrong with the men in this episode?  She's rightfully upset, even if it were just about his dog running away.  She couldn't have known he would end up at home.

Narrator Carrie seems to use the dog turning up to get out of telling him the truth.

While he's comforting her, he notices something.

"Carrie, I need to ask you something. I don't want to be paranoid here, but you took Pete for a walk, and we both know you're not big on the dog walking. And I can smell something."

She sits over on the bed.  oop, he totally suspects she's been cheating on him with her ex-boyfriend!

"Are you cheating?"

She exhales, her eyes are red from the tears.  She looks at him and is about to say something--

"I can smell the smoke on you."

She admits to smoking.

He asks if she is going to quit, and she says that she really wants to, but she's shaking her head no.

OMG you guys, it's going to get so much worse before this is over.

D:

Till next time!

<3

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Season 3 Episode 9: Easy Come, Easy Go

Sorry about the looooong delay.  Summer happened and now that school is back in session, I can devote some good morning time to making these!


When we last left Carrie, she was about to get in bed with Big for whatever reason, Sam was praising her ill-timed period, Charlotte was moving rather swiftly with Trey, and Miranda had recently broken up with Steve.

aww.

And it's so awful too, because Steve had moved in with her, so she had to sneak out to get to work at--


"What time is it anyway?"

"6:30."

Steve assures her that he'll be out of her hair soon, he's got a lead, and not to worry.

Then he awkwardly asks if she wants to go look at the place with him, but that would be really awkward.  But Miranda, not being a dick, actually decides that she knows a hopeless case when she sees one.  He is teh poors afterall.

---

In Carrie's timeline, she's gotten herself into an even bigger kerfuffle than just sleeping with Big.  She's Aiden's booth-bitch at his furniture show, which is I guess some kind of in-joke, but I don't get it. I mean, at least they still have in-jokes at this point.

Big walks up to their booth with his pristine white-dress-wearing wife, and it is mostly maple-- uh awkward.  Natasha insults Aiden's furniture aesthetic, and we're supposed to fault her for it. Then Big and Aiden and Natasha and Carrie stand around chatting awkwardly about furniture until Aiden is like, "who are these people?" Cause he can feel the tension.

And rather than reveal Big's mysterious name, she accidentally spills coffee on his crotch.  I sort of love this about the show.  Writing about it now, it is hokey and gimmicky-- especially considering they do reveal his name in the show's finale-- but in the moment, the first time you watch this scene, it is seamless:

-Who are your friends, Carrie?
-This is Natasha and this is --Whoops!-- cue scalding coffee on Big's crotch.

And then Carrie reaches down to try to help clean it up, asking him if it's hot.

"Well it ain't cold!" And Natasha pushes her away from her husband's crotch.  good girl.

It all reminds me of "The man with the Yellow Hat" from the Curious George show.  They spent SO MANY seasons and books dodging saying his name, and it was mildly hilarious.

Until they made the godawful Curious George Movie, and all that name tension was just gone.

Ted.  His name is Ted.



Two hours later, during the silent auction, Big returns, visibly drunk, while Aiden is busying himself with other furniture show stuff, and he slams his whiskey down on a piece of Aiden's furniture.  SLAM.

There is SO much in that one ringing action.  SLAM.  I'm back in your life, coming between you and Aiden, the mostly-maple, clunky and oppressive desk.

And another thing I notice, he refuses to use Aiden's name.  He called him "Paul Bunyan"  "Daniel Boone,"  and always undermining her and her relationship.  She picks up on it right away, corrects him multiple times and tries to be civil, but Big is drunk and incredibly jealous.

She picks up the glass after a beat, wipes off the condensation and asks him where his wife is.

"She's guarding her bid on a silent auction.  She's got her eye on a beige chair.  Everything in my apartment is now beige.  Beige is bullshit."

"I thought you wanted beige"

"Yeah, well it doesn't quite. fit."

They continue their awkward back-and-forth.  Big tells her a secret, that isn't really a secret, that things aren't working out and he's leaving Natasha. "If you know anyone who's interested."

Carrie is floored.

She immediately goes to the four-some for advice.

They are full of it.

Charlotte is freaking out because he's married.

Sam is pissed on her behalf because married men never leave their wives.

Miranda is annoyed because he obviously only wants Carrie because he can't have her.

And then there's this great back-and-forth:

"What was he doing at the furniture show?"

"I dunno, drinking and leaving his wife?"

 Carrie is adamant that she's not going to do anything. For two reasons:

"First of all, I have a great boyfriend.  And second of all I'm not insane."

Well, she Does have a great boyfriend.

Miranda advises her to punch him next time.

They all talk about how sad it is that Big's and Natasha's relationship is imploding so quickly:
"It is sad," Charlotte explains, "How long has it been? Seven months?"

"Ah," Sam responds, "The seven month itch."

And then Miranda subtly, not so subtly, cajoles Charlotte.  "This is what happens when people jump into relationships too quickly."

Charlotte is offended because she and Trey are nothing like Big and Natasha.

Everyone reminds Charlotte that Miranda is being especially bitter because she's mid-break-up.

Charlotte proves that she and Trey are different by saying that she's meeting his mother.  And if all goes well!

"If all goes well, what?"  Every cynical person wants to know.

"Trey is this close to proposing."








"You just met.  I've had pairs of pantyhose longer!"


Then the show writers shoehorn a bit about logic versus emotion.  Heart versus Head.

But it doesn't really magically wipe away any of the very valid issues that Miranda (and most of the audience) has with Charlotte jumping into marriage for the sake of being married.  How exactly are Trey and Charlotte different?  It just is, I guess.

 And then the other half of the audience, who actually *likes* Big and Carrie together gets their voice heard by Sam who asks "SO! How'd he look?"

Sure, it is reckless, and will ruin at least one person's life, but there's nothing wrong with fantasizing sleeping with a married ex. Plus, their chemistry is hard to shake.

---

Miranda goes on an apartment walk-through with Steve.  It's worse than we thought.  It's the doorway to hell.  Miranda offers to legit help him find a better place, out of some goodness in her heart.

---

The first meeting with Bunny, Trey's mother, goes a lot better than expected.  Charlotte learns that he does tricks!

Bunny can get Trey to agree to anything in the world if she gently rubs his wrist with her paw.  (I'm going to imagine Bunny is an actual rabbit for the majority of her time on screen.  For funsies)


Meanwhile, speaking of heart v. head, Sam is currently giving head.

(she -also- does tricks!)

But when he comes, it is the worst tasting come she's ever tried.  She almost gagged.  "Well that is serious!"


"Have you thought about -not- giving him head?"
"huh, that hadn't occurred to me!"







--

Both Carrie and Miranda get phone messages they can't deal with.  Miranda's is a message for Steve, from a woman he met at the bar who wants to date him.  Even though he is couch surfing on his ex's couch, he's available.

Carrie's message is from Big, and she obsesses about it with Miranda.  She says that Carrie should have punched him while she had the chance.  And Carrie sighs and says that she's definitely deleting the message.

But then she doesn't.  (of course she doesn't!)

She calls him.  And rather than ignite something with her, he tells her that he and Natasha aren't breaking up after all, since it would cost him too much.

Carrie is pissed that she let him in at all.  She doesn't want to care about this.  She definitely doesn't want to sleep with him.

Not even a little bit.

Nope.


In Carrie's ACTUAL relationship, Aiden is poised to be candidate for Best Boyfriend Ever by offering to fix up Carrie's apartment.  He wants to strip her floors and fix the crack on her ceiling.   Although, I have to argue that that is really just a bit much.  I mean, she rents the place.




It isn't really her job to fix up the place.

---

Meanwhile, Sam and the funky-tasting-spunk guy are sharing shots of wheat grass.


I've watched this episode with the Director Commentary on, and he says that they actually *did* drink dozens of shots of wheat grass.  D:  It gave Kim Cattrall the runs.  oop.

She thinks that the taste of his semen will be affected by the wheat grass. But it isn't.


Then comes one of the funniest scene transitions ever: while Sam is choking on funky-tasting-spunk, Trey is licking some mysterious white goop of his lips. :D

He says something about the dressing tastes a bit, odd, and sends it back.  Charlotte rubs his wrist, enabling him to order a tomato and basil salad instead, and he says, "alrighty."

He then starts gushing to Charlotte about how wonderful she is-- leading her to thinking that he'll be popping the question, when from the left, the waitress has popped back with his tomato and basil salad.

I've never been to a restaurant with such prompt service.

"This basil is perfection!" He says before he's taken a bite. "What is it about you Charlotte? You always seem to know just what I want."

She does the trick again, rubbing his wrist just so and says excitedly, "Maybe we should get married."

"Alrighty."

She's absolutely crushed.

"I'm engaged." She says plainly to Carrie. "I suggested he have the tomato basil, and then I suggested we get married."

She's really mostly upset because he was supposed to ask her.

Carrie talks her down from the ledge.  And also chides her for getting engaged to a man who says "alrighty."   She has a point.  Trey is something of a boob.

--

Miranda is woken up in the middle of the night by a mewling puppy.  She shouts to the other room, "Steve!  the dog!"  but he's not there.  And now Miranda is alone.

He sneaks back in, abashedly, while Miranda is getting ready to leave for work.  It is awkward, but Miranda is not affected.  He tells her that he'll be out of her hair that day.  And they're done.

They have one last cordial conversation about keeping in touch, staying friends, and then Miranda leaves.

---

In Sam's final scene, she is hesitant to go down on funky-tasting-spunk guy.

He is annoyed, and thinks that she's pulling his chain about the whole thing.  She's like, I love giving head, you're ruining it.

He doesn't see what the big deal is, you go up and down a few times, it's easy!

"Easy?!  You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey.  They don't call it a job for nothing!"


She makes a proposition.  If *he* tries it and is fine with it, then She'll go down on him no questions asked.

This short blip of a scene always confused the heck out of me though.  He ends up trying some of his joy juice and says that he's fine with it and immediately Sam hops to it.

Refractory period anyone?

---


Charlotte's ending was a little bit more satisfying.  She's all glum walking hand-in-hand with her betrothed, but she can't get it out of her head the way it happened.

He stops her, right in front of Tiffany's and suggests they go in and pick out the most beautiful ring they have and she says "Alrighty!"

(course, she ruins it by planning to rewrite history if their kids ever ask how she and Trey got engaged.)

--

In Carrie's end, Aiden is currently stripping her floors.  She didn't plan for the fact that this job is messy and loud and time-consuming.  Rather than going to a coffee shop or the park or something, she rents a hotel room and goes there.

Big calls.  He's in the lobby.

She is panicked. He got the number from Aiden when he called her apartment. Now she's pissed.

He simply *has* to talk to her.  She has to talk to him right back.  She smartly meets him down in the lobby and let's him have a stern tongue lashing.  Course, he's getting drunk (again) at the hotel bar instead.

"This has to stop!  The flirting, and the jerking me around, and the calling my boyfriend.  He doesn't know about you and I don't want him to ever know about you."

"Why is that?"

"Oh go lay in your beige bed."

She leaves the bar and he chases her down.

"Listen, I have to explain this to you." He says as she's impatiently waiting for the elevator. "fuck.  I miss you."

"Too bad." She enters the lift.

He follows her.

"Do not come in here. Don't follow me in here!"

"I have to talk to you," he says particularly menacingly.

"What?! What do you have to say?!"

He's looming over her, holding on to her shoulders and pulling her toward him.  "I made a mistake" he says as his mouth lunges over hers.  She resists, barely:

"fuck you!" She scrambles to push him away.

He holds on to her, tighter, "I love you." And kisses her again.

She is moved ever so much more, but fights him off one last time.

"fuck you."

He finally traps her against the wall and she let's him this time.  They kiss and she kisses back.

Narrator Carrie explains, "My mind was yelling how angry I was.  But my heart."

"fuck me" Carrie Carrie whispers to him.



 They wake up in the next scene naked and Carrie is smoking again.

She's back to her old habits.

Ah well.

Till next time!  I'm really going to try to get back to a once-a-week type thing now that my schedule is back to normal.

<3