Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Season 4 Episode 8 My Motherboard, My Self

Hey there!

This episode is a nice antidote to the last episode.  I was actually cruising on facebook the other day, and saw that about a year ago I did the episode about bisexuality, which I forgot I had mentioned was my very least favorite episode.  So it's a toss up.

The good news is, from here on out, I don't actually have any more least favorite episodes.  I find them all charming.  I'm sure I'll find something to talk about though. :D

This episode is interesting because it explores a facet of one of the women that we don't really ever get to see-- Miranda's relationship with her mother and her family.

There's a reason why we never see these women with their families, and it gets to the heart of the show.  The foursome have, for whatever reason it's not important right now, left their nuclear families.  Even when Charlotte got married, you could only see the back of her dad's head.  For all intents and purposes, the foursome *is* a family.

But this episode reminds the viewer that they actually do have family and maybe it's healthier if they don't communicate with them often.  I like that; it's refreshing.  Just because someone is your bio-family doesn't mean that maintaining a relationship with them is the healthiest thing to do for you.  You do you, the show constantly tells the audience (yes, sometimes it is lip-service).

Course, the show doesn't actually *say* all that, but by omitting Carrie's parents-- whom I assume exist somewhere in the Sex and the City universe-- you get a snapshot of an single, independent woman who isn't tethered by biological responsibility.  And that on it's own is kind of groundbreaking.

I'm assuming.  I haven't watched all the old shows, so I don't actually know for sure.  I know the Mary Tyler Moore show was an important precursor to this show, and I don't know if she was family-less. No idea.

---

Let's get down to business!


The foursome meet from the four corners of the city in Central Park for lunch.  Eastside, Westside, Park Avenue and Samantha.  Sam has just bought a '1001 sexual positions' flyer from a guy on the street, and she can't wait to share it with them.

God, I love her.

They are having a catch up, so everyone brought something to share:

Miranda: "work, work, au bon pain, work."

Carrie: "Aiden, Aiden this pimple, Aiden"

She *really* needs a hobby.

Charlotte brought sandwiches for everyone to remind everyone that she's a housewife now.  Sam wants her to be her wife.  I could go for that.

Charlotte also brought the crushing guilt back from the last episode and a remedy! Apparently redecorating the house is taking a lot of time and energy, there are about a billion types of dimmer switches that exist and she wants to know all about them.

I like to imagine she's the grown-up version of Annie Edison.  oh hey! Edison, light switches. heh.



Carrie wanted to tell everyone that she and Aiden have exchanged keys.  Big news apparently.  He always stays at her house though, something about two-in-one conditioner.  Here's some advice, Carrie, bring your own conditioner, geez.

That evening, Aiden surprises her at her home and he's cooking fajitas!  NOM!

Carrie goes to write in her little laptop about opening your life to someone else and getting all the benefits (like fajitas!) when suddenly her laptop crashes.



Aiden is right there over her shoulder trying to help, does the control-alt-delete trick which causes it to catch on fire.  OK, not really, but it doesn't do anything since the computer is a mac and Carrie is pissed that he's trying to help.

And we get another look into Carrie here.  She doesn't have the manual since she threw it away in a "feng shui attack" and she doesn't have any of her work backed up.  She'd never heard of 'backing up.'


She also acts like a total asshole to Aiden who is only trying to help and be supportive.

At the computer support store, while they're waiting, Aiden is persistently trying to be supportive.  He's rubbing her shoulders and she's pushing him off of her, being cold and short tempered.

No immediate news about the computer, but they'll take it in and take a look at it.

Carrie calls Miranda from a pay phone for the 'good kind' of support.  Miranda listens, but the first thing out of her mouth is, "when was the last time you backed up?" and Carrie loses it.

"You know, no one talks about backing up. You've never used that expression before, ever."

I'm trying to think if I've ever experienced that before-- where everyone on the planet seems to think that I live under a rock because I've never heard of X.  Probably.  Maybe I should have a little more sympathy for her.

Speaking of sympathy, Miranda is currently in the hospital.  Her mother had a heart attack.  Carrie feels bad for going on and on, and Miranda is understandable.  It's not like it's a big deal, her mom is stable.  It's the computer that's the tangible problem here. Besides that, Miranda's mother had woken up just long enough to veto her lipstick, so that's the kind of relationship they have.

Miranda's sister also walks by and berates her for using her cell phone in the hospital.

"She called me!"

So, yeah, it's no wonder we've never seen Miranda's family.

---

Samantha is fucking a wrestling instructor.  It is the *worst* sex scene in the whole show.   He hasn't taken anything off, and she's moaning like he's fucking her.

On the other hand, "wrestling" is super good fun times and can be very sexy.  So go her.

---

Next morning, Miranda calls Carrie to let her know that her mom died last night.

It's sudden and sad and Miranda is upset and it's sad.


Although, Miranda isn't really showing any emotion about it.  She's more annoyed that she didn't plan to go to a funeral when she came down to Pennsylvania. So now she has to buy a shitty black dress she'll never wear and a shitty black bra to go with it.

Carrie promises that she'll be there for her.

On the other side of the bed, Aiden asks if Carrie wants him there too, and she vetoes his support.

In fact, she leaves the room to listen to water running while she contemplates the loss that Miranda's going through.

At brunch later that morning, Carrie breaks the news and breaks into tears.

Charlotte decides to tackle the grief situation by becoming the Martha Stewart of death.  If death is going to happen, she's going to deal with it just so.

"The first thing we should do is send flowers. Or a fruit basket, or muffins. What do you think?"

Sam is showing significantly less emotion than Charlotte, although she does look completely in shock.

"Hey, are you OK?" Carrie asks her

"I'm fine, flowers are fine, just tell me who to send the check to."  The two look at her like she sprouted another head.

"I'm just hungry." She says.

Only it isn't just hunger.  Later on, with the wrestler, she can't come.  She's tried everything, they've been at it for an hour and he has to pick up his stuff at the cleaners by 5.

No finale, no ending.  Sam is pissed.
--

"I want you to make it very clear to the Philadelphia florist, Tasteful. All white. The Casablanca Lilies, the Calla Lilies, And the Phaelinopsis. I don't want any crap!" Charlotte is barking orders at a florist.


"You told her" Carrie says.

Charlotte thinks people care about the flowers, and think they represent them.  Here's a question, why is Charlotte doing this?  Miranda has a sister down in Philly, shouldn't they be doing this?

Whatever.

"Oh I don't know, I wasn't even listening," Sam responds to Charlotte's inanity. "I lost my orgasm."


"In the cab?" Carrie jokes.

Charlotte tells Sam that once there was a woman who had all the orgasms and one day they stopped and she couldn't have them anymore.

"That's the meanest thing you've ever said to me."

---

Miranda meanwhile is shopping for bras.  She's looking for a 36 A.  There's not a chance in hell she's a 36 anything.  She's at most a 32, but the bra-lady manhandles her, measures her without asking and tells her to try a 34 B.  At least they got the sister size right.

A cursory google shows her measurements are 32-23-36, so she's more likely a 26 or 28 band size, if the website is accurate, and it probably isn't.

Anyway, in the changing room, the woman just barges in. Miranda is pissed and yells at her.

And then she sobs because her mom just died and she'll never have another fight with her mom again.

I would be pissed if someone barged in while I was trying a bra.  And I would yell.  And my mom is alive.

Anyway, they have a moment in the changing room, share a hug, and Miranda says that the bra fits perfectly.  Sure it does.

Speaking of support, Aiden has come around while Carrie was out with the girls.  He's brought her a surprise gift!  A brand new computer and a zip drive for a back-up system.

Carrie is defensive and angry.  She digs her heels that her old back-up system works fine for her.

Aiden has finally had enough of her shit, "Oh really?  you sure about that?"

"Yeah I am.  I'm not ready for a new computer yet, I'm still waiting to hear back about my old one. My whole life was on that computer!"

"Oh I get it.  It's all you. I'm not a part of any of this. You don't want the laptop. You don't want me to go to the funeral. I feel like a fucking--"

"I gave you my keys, what more do you want?"

"Oh great! So I can get into your front door.  How do I get into there?" He points to her heart.

This is such a great plot here.  Aiden is finally addressing everything wrong with their relationship even from last season-- he gives her all the emotional support in the world, but what good does it do when she is so vehemently Single and doesn't want it?  And sure, she is not obligated to take the support, and in some ways the support is selfish because it is unwanted.  It's complicated.

I'm glad he's standing up for himself though.

--

Sam spends the whole day masturbating, searching for the elusive orgasm.

No dice.
--

The computer tech guys have called Carrie in to talk about the computer.  Her entire life has been reduced to a bunch of weird symbols and a few non-coherent sentences.  The guy says it's the motherboard, and it's bad ram, and then he advises her to get a new back-up system.  Then he says that he hopes she's saved the warranty.

oooop.

Carrie calls Aiden to apologize.  She explains that she's been going through life alone for this long, sometimes it is difficult to ask for and accept help.

"If you start helping me and then I get used to having that help, well, no good can come of that. I mean, then what happens, when you know, you're not around one day?"

"Where am I going?"

"I don't know. You could be out of town or busy or things fall apart. We could fall apart."

"I know that."

I admire her candor, and to be honest, her reasoning.  She *has* to be independent and she doesn't want to rely on someone else.  Every relationship she's had has ended badly.  She has no reason to think this one won't.  Unfortunately, it has the unintended consequence of being a self-fulfilling prophecy.  These issues are ones that stir resentment and cause break-ups.

--

In Philadelphia, the foursome are back together again.

Carrie says that she's sorry and gives her friend a big hug.

Charlotte says that she's sorry and gives her friend a big hug.

Sam says "you look great!" with a huge grin on her face.

"Well, she does!" Sam responds to the horrified looks on her friends' faces.

Miranda explains that she's fine, but everyone else is concerned that she's at the funeral without a significant other.

"I didn't realize I needed a date to my mother's funeral... That would be the real tragedy, right? Ignore the coffin, there's a single 35-year-old woman walking behind it."

Her sister calls to her and she's obligated to leave.

"You look great?!" Charlotte berates Sam, "That was not one of the things I told you to say."

Then she races after Miranda's sister to Martha Stewart it up.  She asks about the flowers, and here they come now, and entire wall of flowers.

Charlotte gasps in horror.

"I said tasteful!"

"I think now we know what $500 worth of glitter looks like." Carrie makes the joke of the episode.

Inside, the funeral is underway.  The preacher guy is completely dwarfed by the ginormous wall of flowers.

"Those flowers were supposed to say 'we're so sorry we love you,' not 'you're dead let's disco." Charlotte can't get over herself. lol.

The preacher guy meanwhile is mangling the family tree so Miranda turns around to look flabbergasted at her friends, and Sam finally mouths 'sorry' at her friend.  Then she completely breaks down.

I guess it was supposed to be some kind of emotional release, so now she's all better now?

:shrugs:

On the way back down the aisle, Miranda can't keep it together, so Carrie stands up and walks with her the rest of the way.  Near the exit, they spy Aiden and Steve in the last row.

D'awww.  They showed up anyway.


Narrator Carrie finishes the episode by typing into her -new- computer about stuff.  Things breaking down, people dying, relationships falling apart, and things that provide comfort like a zip-drive and a boyfriend-- "if you can learn to let him."

Thanks for reading!  <3

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Season 4 Episode 7 Time and Punishment

For how seamless and excellent season 4 is overall, and it is good overall, it has some of the *worst* episodes of the show.  Take this one.  If I had to pick a least favorite episode, it would easily be this one.

I hate it so much, I don't actually know where to start with it.  Every scene with Carrie is so mind-numbingly irritating I just want to shout at her the way she shouts at Aiden later on.

Instead of "you have to forgive me," I want to shout, "YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE."

But, you know, temporal tv time and space.

So, I guess I'll just let out my frustrations here.  You know, the healthy way.

Carrie and Aiden are back in bed together.  Making mischief.  But when Carrie wakes up in the morning, he's all the way over there and she isn't in the nook anymore.  She is pouty and irritated. She wants a good morning kiss, and he is passive aggressive and tells her she should brush her teeth first.

Then he notes the time, he's briefly forgotten that Carrie has no responsibilities in her life, so she can sleep till noon if she wants.  He wanted to get to the gym before work.

Between breaking up with her last time, he's gotten a hair cut and lost about 20-30 pounds.

Carrie is a child and says that he shouldn't go to the gym since she liked his belly

You fucking did not.

oh, this is going to be long isn't it?

She bitches to her friends about all this, and they are like, 'wake up.  you may never get back in the nook.'

She obviously can't grovel for the rest of their relationship, so he has to forgive her.  Which is true, but you can't force it.

You can't force it, Carrie.

Charlotte is dealing with a more important issue.  She's redecorating the apartment, which is a full-time job, she's on the baby-making track, which is also pretty time consuming (insert eye-roll here) and she still has her gallery job.  She's tearing her life apart trying to have it all and she decides with Trey that she might just quit the gallery job and focus on her family and other important things, like pottery glazing.

Her friends are totally NOT on board, and I think it's just a shame.

Sure, they are consistent here, they've always hated women who quit their jobs as soon as they find their Mr. Moneybags, but can't they turn it off and at least be happy for Charlotte who doesn't *have* to work?

 nope?

Ok.

Miranda, especially, is incredibly judgemental.

They all are, tbh.  I think Sam is the only non-judgemental person here, and her shtick is just to remind her in an honest tone that she should be very sure she wants to quit because it might be very difficult to get a job in the future if she changes her mind.

Which is useful information.

Carrie tells her that if she saw Charlotte glazing a bowl at a pottery painting shop, she'd just keep walking.

These people are not makers, and it is really frustrating, as a maker, listening to them berate women who spend time on their hobbies.

And really, for Charlotte who doesn't have to work and is probably not actually going to volunteer for Trey's hospital but keeps mentioning it, how is exploring her hobbies and doing fun things for her (as well as finishing the redecorating job) any different and less fulfilling than working for a gallery that probably doesn't pay all that well considering the time she's putting into it and doesn't allow her any 'ME' time?

Whatever.  Call me old-fashioned.

I like to think of myself as post-enlightened.

Charlotte is adamant, but you can tell their judgement got to her.  "yep I'm quitting, that's what I'm doing. yep."

She calls Miranda the next morning to berate her about about it.

"The women's movement is supposed to be about choice.  I choose my choice."

Then Miranda goes low and tells her that she shouldn't be disappointed if all that she gets out of quitting her job is a glazed mug with Trey's name on it.

What a cunt.

Miranda is irritated.  It's morning and she was in a towel having this conversation.  She goes to dry her hair a little *too* aggressively and ends up tweaking her neck.

She does the only thing she can, call Carrie.  Carrie, the one without the real job who can come and save her.

Well, Carrie actually has a meeting this morning, and after a shirt-less trip down to the grocer's for juice, she has to go put on a shirt and meet her editor.

Yeah, about that.

Carrie thinks that going to the grocer's without a shirt will make Aiden want Carrie back in his nook.

God, she is a moron. She acts out the way a toddler acts out, in no one's best interest.

She can't rescue Miranda, so she sends Aiden to do it for her.

Which, normally isn't a bad plan, but Miranda is buck naked on the floor.  So, Aiden gets a show and Miranda gets mortified.

The only good part about this episode is the line of Charlotte clones they've got lined up waiting to be interviewed to be Charlotte's replacement.


Here are two of them.

The one on the left here is next to chat with Charlotte, and she's absolutely perfect for the job.

After Charlotte whispers to her that she got the job, Charlotte-lite asks Charlotte why she would want to leave such a great job, and Charlotte says, "Well I'm married and we're planning on a baby."

The girl looks at her absolutely horror struck.  That's all?  She asks with her eyes.

Shouldn't it be enough?

no?

Charlotte adds,  "Also, I'm on the board of the Lennox Hill pediatric Aids Foundation."

Charlotte-lite, probably sees through the lie, but she's not going to be the one to convince Charlotte to stay after Charlotte already promised her the job.

I'm glad that the show ends up embracing Charlotte as the stay-at-home wife character.  But this intro to it is irritating.  Maybe it's supposed to illustrate how painful it can be to leave a career, but it leaves an awful taste in my mouth.  I guess it honestly would be anathema for the other three to accept that a woman can be fulfilled at home, but that heavy heavy guilt tripping shit is anathema to me.

It must just be the era of the show.  Cause nowadays, there has been a lot of push-back by SAHMs.  Being home is important too.  There's a lot of emotional and home-labor that women deal with.  They're all kind of living in a fantasy land.

Miranda has a maid, for christ sake and Carrie doesn't actually have a steady job, meeting with her editor notwithstanding.

And for the record, I am a stay-at-home mom.  My kids are elementary aged, so I could work if I wanted to.  I don't.  I do a lot around the house, I hold down the fort so they say.  I also spend a lot of time knitting and exploring my hobbies.  It is kind of amazing.  DH works rotating shift, so it would end up costing us a lot for me to work, my energy and usefulness at home probably being a lot of that.  Not to mention, my highly prioritized crafting time.

But that's beside the point, I am not guilty about what I do.  I don't surround myself with people who make me feel guilty about it either.

And when I first watched this show, I identified so hard with Charlotte.  I didn't have children yet, but when I did, I wanted to be at home with them.  It isn't the easy way out by a long shot.  There are long days, and so so much work.  And the thing these people don't seem to think about until I think Charlotte and Miranda get super drunk in the SATC movie we don't speak about-- There is no escape when you're a SAHM.

When Miranda has her baby, she is relieved to go back to work. The show allows Miranda to show that emotion without pushback-- which was probably one of the first representations of an honest woman who likes working not getting judgement for liking that outside stimulation.

This might also be one of the first representations of an honest woman who prioritizes family actually getting pushback and judgement from her friends for quitting her job to stay at home.

But I honestly don't know, there's a lot of late-nineties TV that I haven't seen.  I'm sure if it wasn't the first, it's still a pioneer.

And that's a damn shame.

Live and let live, dammit.

Alright.  Sorry, back to the show.

I forgot about Sam's bit in this episode.  It's not a lot to be honest, there is so much going on with the other three.  Sam meets a guy who stole her cab.  Well, from my angle, it didn't actually look like he stole it, but the show says he did, so whatever.  Instead of letting him get away with it, she chases after the cab at a red light and gets in next to him.

Then they do it, and it is aggressive.  Afterward, the guy berates Sam for her lack of grooming, says her bush has gotten completely out of control.  Not slick enough for his tastes.  What a child.

Sam complains to Carrie, and it essentially boils down to this:



She is angry at him, and rather than just never call him again, she teaches him a lesson he'll never forget.

She trims his own bush back.

"Wow, my dick looks so much bigger now!"



---

Back to Carrie.  Carrie decides to head out to Scout, to interrupt 'boys night,' and thank her boyfriend for saving Miranda.  Aiden is alone at the bar.

Suddenly a lady-bartender shows up and resumes heavily flirting with Aiden.  He's pretending he doesn't know how to play jacks, and she's pretending that's not ridiculous.

He's up to threesies, btw.

flirting is stupid.

lol.

Carrie is visibly annoyed and asks where all the guys were.

Aiden explains that the guys bailed on him so he came down to Scout to hang out with his buddy, Steve.

"Oh, and Steve. I'm sorry, where's Steve?"

Steve went to get a burrito.

Carrie feels herself completely unwanted, but perseveres.  She tells him that she doesn't have to work tomorrow, so he can come over.

He doesn't come over.  She stays up way too late waiting for him, but he doesn't show.

Next day, she brings Miranda bagels.  Miranda is in a neck brace and can't work, so Carrie decides bagels are a good cheer-up.

Only, from the first, Carrie talks about her boyfriend not showing up.

"He said he thought "come over" meant today, not last night." she ends.

"You know what? This is bullshit." Miranda says.

"yeah, that's what I think." Carrie doesn't get it.

"No you.  You are bullshit. You and your bullshit 'cheer me up' bagels. They're just a decoy so you can talk about Aiden. Look! You didn't even bring cream cheese!"

(Miranda wins best line of the episode!)

Did I ever tell you guys about the time we bought too much cream cheese?  true story.  I told babe, hey we're out of cream cheese.  So at the grocery store, among a cart of other things, we both end up grabbing a tub of cream cheese and didn't realize it till we got home.  So we had two unopened tubs, plus the mostly empty tub and then I saw that we didn't actually need cream cheese since there was a third unopened tub in the back.  Hilarious.  We looked through the expiry dates to use them up in the right order, and all four of them had the same date.  lolol.

Carrie doesn't actually have a decent response to Miranda pointing out the truth, except that she got the good bagels.

Miranda continues to complain about Carrie's bullshit, that Aiden saw her naked and she's mortified.

Carrie apologizes to her and says that she'll never send a boyfriend to do her job again.

(Ok, fair enough. But.  How was size 2 Carrie going to carry Miranda off the bathroom floor?)

Speaking of Carrie grovelling, Carrie had been guilted by Aiden to watch his dog for the afternoon so he could get some toxic work done without the dog in tow.  Carrie is with Sam, chatting about whatever when suddenly the dog gets super sick, pooing all over the place.  yuck.

Sam bails because sick dog is so not her scene.

Carrie follows the pooing dog with a magazine.

"Pick up after your dog!" Some woman yells at her.

"It's not my dog!"  Carrie is the fucking worst.

She takes a cab with the dog (now in a convenient doggy diaper) back to Aiden, who is currently not working with toxic anything, but is in fact, flirting with the lady-bartender again.  Carrie sees this, and yells at Aiden that his dog is sick and good-fucking-bye.

Aiden doesn't let her go.  He explains that they were taking a break.


"And she just happened to be there with coffee. I diapered your dog!" Carrie shouts at him.

"Keep your voice down." Aiden says and I must admit, it is hot.

"What are you doing?" Carrie asks him.  They are acknowledging Aiden's ghost now.  Oh wait, wrong episode.

Aiden says that he and lady-bartender haven't done anything.  He says he thought about it, but didn't act on it.

She says "maybe you should just fuck her and then we can both be bad." And exits the scene.

He comes to her door some time later and it is the worst scene.  I hate it.  I hate it.  It's essentially Aiden being irritated by everything, and him asking her to cut ties with Mr. Big, and her refusing.

"You have to forgive me." Carrie says over and over and over again.  NO HE FUCKING DOES NOT.

She starts crying and tearing up.  and finally, I guess he does forgive her.  He holds her anyway.

And for some reason she's back in the nook.

I guess the moral of the story is that *I* don't have to forgive her for cheating on him, and he can do whatever he likes, but he can't bring it up again or punish her if he wants to be with her.

fine.

In Charlotte's last scene, she's shadowing Charlotte-lite.  They're setting up new paintings in the gallery.  Charlotte tells the people hanging up the pieces that one of them should go on one wall, and Charlotte-lite says that they should go on another wall.

"You're 22 what do you know about life?" Charlotte shouts. "I mean art. I'm sorry. I'm just freaked out. I've been working my whole life this is a big transition."

Charlotte-lite is very patient and says, "well if it's any consolation, my mom worked all the time and it would have been nice to have her home more."

And then Charlotte sighs an turns and starts walking out of the building. "Oh, don't forget to set the alarms!" Charlotte says.

"You're not going to finish the day?"

"I think I'm done. Good luck."

Narrator Carrie is trying super hard not to be sarcastic: "Charlotte left her past to pursue her new life objectives: be a good mother, cure aids, and prove Miranda wrong."

And Miranda, in a supposedly fun switch although I hate the hypocrisy here, has removed her neck brace but is lying to her boss in order to stay home for a few extra days.


And that's the end.  Worst Episode Ever!  Hope my annoyance wasn't too overbearing.

<3

Monday, March 19, 2018

Season 4 Episode 6 Baby, Talk is Cheap

Sorry about the intermission.  I had an interesting last few weeks.  There was the day of the blizzard that killed my back, and then my birthday, followed by a week where my brother was visiting.  There hasn't been a good opportunity to knock one of these out for awhile.

So let's not delay further shall we?

When we last saw Carrie, she was heavily hitting on her old flame, Aiden, outside Steve's new bar.  Aiden was making it clear he was shutting this whole thing down, but rather than being put out, Carrie's desperation flames were fanned.


Carrie is anything if consistent at least.  She wants what she can't have, see.

And currently is faux-calling Aiden.  Over and over, calling his number and hanging up before he can pick up.  She doesn't know what she wants to say in the first place, she's just trying to make contact.

Real mature.

Charlotte, during their African drumming dance class, tells her to stop being so immature.  Then she betrays her and tells the other two about Carrie's crisis.


Miranda gives her good advice, that Aiden might not want to hear it after all she put him through.

Sam tells her that shouldn't try to get back with Aiden because of how granola he is.

That is such a random comment for her to make, but it actually makes sense, and plays out during Act II of their relationship. How important is background in making relationships work?  I mean, you have to have *something* in common and Aiden and Carrie really don't have anything in common. Carrie is city girl, she's shallow and survives off of the lingering smell of curry and garbage day.  Aiden would rather live in the woods with his squirrel.

They're doomed.

Charlotte thinks that Aiden is perfect since he stripped Carrie's floors.


They then circle the table criticizing Aiden for his turquoise jewelry and Carrie for her fish-like ability to latch on to shiny things.  Maybe she's a squirrel and that's why Aiden likes her.

Moving on.  Sam takes out her nipples!

rubber nipples.

I know.  :sadface:

Apparently nipples are ice cream on top this year.  Are they really ever out of fashion, really, though?

They decide to do an experiment to see if Miranda can pick up a dude while wearing Sam's rubber nipples.

Like that's a real experiment.  ><

Surprise surprise, the fake nipples work.  Miranda gets so much attention that Sam wants her fake nipples back.

And the last thing they talk about is how woefully behind the times Carrie is.  She doesn't even have an e-mail account.  Well I call shenanigans on that.  I'm sure her newspaper job would have required it by 2001.

---

Miranda is training for the marathon, still.  I like that they keep that as a character trait for her.  A few episodes ago she was training on a treadmill, and it seems she's found a training group that runs in the park.  Apparently it's all very organized too, since it's separated by mile time, I guess that makes sense if there's a lot of people running together.  I hate when I run too fast for my body.  it kills.

There's a cute guy in Miranda's group.  She shame-flirts with him, since all the cute guys are in the 7 minute-mile group.  He's had knee surgery though, so he's allowed to be slow.

After running together a few times, they continue the sweaty fun in the bedroom.  fun!  but also, gross!

I'll get into how gross in a minute.

--

Charlotte is getting on with redecorating their expansive apartment.  It looks *so* much better, I tell you what.  They walk through a few more doorways, till they reach a nook right off their bedroom that I guess with some added doors could actually be a room.

Charlotte looks nervous, cause she can't say what she wants to say-- that it'd be a great nursery for a baby.  But she doesn't have to say it, cause Trey suggests it.



 Yes, I know this is So Not a Good Idea. But it still makes me swoon with the cuteness. :)

--

Sam, meanwhile, has put her rubber nipples to good use.  She's picked up a very bratty guy.  He's just awful.  I don't know where she finds them.

She finds out that not only is he bratty, but he likes to talk baby talk. :groan:  It's just not pretty or good.  And when she tells him not to, he throws a tantrum and leaves.

As Narrator Carrie says, "She wore the rubber nipples and attracted a big baby!"
--

Speaking of big babies, Carrie has written a very long e-mail to Aiden. This is actually the first time I've read it.  It's not bad, but it's a bit much, a bit heavy handed.  She immediately highlights the text and deletes it.

Probably for the best.

She then replaces the text with: "I miss you. Do you miss me?"

Direct and to the point.  She hits Send and immediately regrets it.

Now this is an emotion I can relate to, and I think a lot of people can.  Sending something off to the ether to be judged or ignored.  I have a lot of social anxiety, leaving messages is the *worst.*

--
Charlotte tells her friends that she and Trey have decided to try for a baby.

They aren't the most supportive about it, since Trey and she did just get back together.

Charlotte is adamant since she is so old and doesn't have time to sit on it.  All of her friends who want children have already started having children and she doesn't want to be a forty-year-old mom.

"No offense" She says to Sam.

"I don't want to be one of those either!" Sam responds.

Fair enough!

"And I promise I won't be one of those mothers who can only talk about diaper genies."

"Good!" Carrie responds emphatically.

"What the hell's a diaper genie?" Sam whispers to Carrie while Charlotte has run off looking at cute baby dresses.

"I dunno, someone you hire to change a kid's diaper?"

bahahaha.  I love this exchange so much.

One of Charlotte's aforementioned mom friends walks up just then.  Charlotte announces the impending impending baby and then invites her and her children to have dinner with them some evening.
---

Days have gone by since Carrie e-mailed Aiden and he hasn't responded.  So, she goes back faux-calling him.  Only this time he picks up.  Hey remember the days when people didn't have caller ID?

Do you all think he *has* caller ID and is creeped the fuck out by all the calling she's been doing?  I feel like this is another one of those episodes where I wish I were following a side character. I'm pretty sure people had caller ID back then.

And now that I'm actually watching this part of the episode, I notice that he has a cellphone, so he most certainly has noticed the number of calls and who they're from.


And to add further second-hand embarrassment, the first thing Carrie says is "Why haven't you responded to my e-mail?"

He admits that he likely deleted it without reading it, since he gets a lot of spam. Ah, the days of spam.

She's increasingly unimpressed by the whole e-mail thing.  He asks what the e-mail said, and she changes the subject and asks him to go out with her, but as a double non-date with Miranda and Steve.

This'll go well.

--
Speaking of Miranda, she's just gone for a run with her new running buddy.  They're enjoying some post-exercise sweaty bedroom fun.  It's gross.  Like, take a shower first dude.

He is way into that sweaty, salty flavor, and is licking his way down her back.  ooo, not a good sign.  He just goes right on licking.



"Are we talking tuckus-ligus?" Carrie asks when Miranda embarrassingly admits that her new running buddy licked her butt.

"I'm afraid so. And I thought it was weird. It's weird, right? Are we doing this now?"

"If the guy's willing, why not?" Sam says.

"Anyone other than Samantha?" Miranda responds.

Carrie is in the noooope category.

Charlotte shockingly admits: "Well, Trey likes to do it."  Three sets of eyes slowly turn toward her. "We're married."

There is something to be said about being married, there's a certain amount of trust that it enables.  And something the show *finally* gets right about marriage.  Married people are having a lot of fun wacky sex that you can't necessarily have with a stranger.

The foursome wonder about men and the ass, "It's true the last few guys I've been with have been much more eager to attend to it. You know, digitally." Miranda says.

"How did this happen? How did they get the message that the ass is now on the menu?" Carrie wonders aloud.

:cough: porn. :cough:

"I bet there's one loud-mouthed guy who found some woman who loved it and told everybody 'women LOVE this!'" Miranda guesses.

"Who is this guy?" Carrie asks.

"Who's the woman who loved it?" Miranda responds.

"Don't knock it till you try it!" Sam adds.

"Bingo!" Carrie says.

And then the question of reciprocation.  Sam, Carrie and Miranda are a firm, if slightly disgusted, NO.

"You wouldn't?" Charlotte innocently asks.
--

Next scene, Charlotte is serving a fancy dinner for her guests and their three children.  It doesn't go well.  The kids are, well, being kids, and the parents are snipping at each other. It isn't pretty, and the result is that Charlotte and Trey don't have sex for the next few days.

In one of the last scenes, Charlotte brings Trey a Tiffany box that was just delivered. Inside is one of those old-fashioned rattles that is inscribed.  Trey had forgotten he ordered it before the dinner from hell. 


Charlotte asks if Trey doesn't want a baby anymore.  He still does, but he's been shell shocked by the reality of kids.

Charlotte complains that kids don't even want to sit by her.

Trey says that *he* wants to sit by her. d'aww.  He then talks about the couple that he knew before they had kids and how in love they were.  "And now, they're just..."

"...parents." Charlotte finishes his sentence.

"Maybe if we only had one child." She offers.  He seems keen on that.

Then Narrator Carrie gets a little odd here.  She says, "Then Trey told the lie that all parents-to-be have to tell themselves in order to procreate:"

"Besides, our kids'll be different."

I mean, it isn't Odd, per say, but it is really annoying.

Their kids, if they ever ended up having one, WOULD be different.  They would want to sit next to Mommy, and they would be raised with different sensibilities.  Trey and Char's guests had three children who weren't babies.  They were kids.

And Charlotte's and Trey's complaints really had nothing to do with the kids themselves-- it was with the damaged relationship between the parents on display at the dinner.

Kids don't cause that kind of damage.  That kind of damage might be exacerbated by the stress of children, but the lack of respect and poor communication was there from the beginning.

Ahem.

I have literally always hated that exchange in this episode.  Maybe, well, Probably because I've always wanted to have children.  I am a bit idealistic, but the having of the children was not far from my expectations of what they'd be like before I had them.

But like I said, they're talking about their relationship, not having children.

But. MY relationship wasn't ruined from children.  anec-data, I know, but lots of people have children and then don't divorce.

Suffice to say, they do decide to keep trying for a child despite everything.

---

On their awkward double date, Carrie is prattling on and on, awkwardly telling a story about bugs in her apartment.

Steve announces he has to go to the bathroom, and Aiden decides to come with despite that being a faux-pas.

"So apparently Aiden needed an airbag in the bathroom." (Carrie had planned this whole thing so that everyone had someone to escape with in case things went sour.)

Carrie is oblivious and thinks things are going well between her and Aiden.  She asks Miranda to leave with Steve so that she and Aiden can have some quality alone time.

Miranda is bemused and annoyed.  She doesn't want Steve to get the idea that she's here with him, since she's still trying to make it work with her tuckus-lingus pal.

She is a good friend though, and escapes with Steve.

Carrie walks home with Aiden, and it is kind of awkward.  At his door, she says plainly that she wants to get back together with him. He says that he was afraid she was going to say that and rejects her as politely as he can.

She is confused since he touched her hand in the restaurant.

He explains that he was just being friendly since she seemed so nervous.

She is horrified and embarrassed and says goodnight, trying to save face. He leans in to kiss her cheek or something while she's walking forward to leave, and ends up nearly kissing her on the mouth.


She heads home in a flurry and starts to write an e-mail to Miranda about the whole event.

Miranda calls her at that moment, and tells her to back away from the computer.  That Carrie is reading too much into it and needs to give it a rest and send him an e-mail.

She suddenly gets an AIM message from Aiden and is terrified that he can see her or something.

lol.  Old people.

Carrie decides that she should head back to his place, despite Miranda yelling at her that that is crazy.

"His words said 'no' but his kiss said 'yes.'"

"That's the defense invoked by date rapists."

"I know he still feels it." Carrie says and then hangs up and heads back to Aiden's place and starts throwing pebbles at his window.

Then Narrator Carrie defends her desperate and crazy behavior by playing the sexism card: "When men attempt bold gestures, it's generally considered romantic. When women do, It's often considered desperate or psycho."


Aiden is not amused.  First he assumes that she never left, and when it is revealed that she left and came back he's less than not amused.

She's hoping she is coming across endearing, but he's really getting kind of pissed off by her antics.

He starts off nice, saying he had a nice time.  And she presses that there's something between them, that she's SO different and smoking and old habits are totally gone and she misses him and he looks so good and she misses him--

"YOU BROKE MY HEART!" He shouts at her and she runs away.

 And that is that.  No more Aiden.

Just kidding.

A few scenes later he comes to her in the middle of the night and they look at each other and just start making out and doing it.



--
Miranda offers her tuckus-lingus pal a back massage after he finishes, uh, polishing her off.  He starts sticking his butt out hoping for a good licking.  She pretends he isn't pushing his ass closer and closer to her mouth until finally she shouts that she doesn't want to do that, and he's embarrassed and tells her off for not rejecting him sooner.
Real Mature.

This is one of many many times where Miranda ends up dating someone that goes to the same places as she does. Rather than go through the embarrassment of running near him and seeing him often, she avoids the situation and speeds up her running pace into the 9-minute group. Smart.

And in the last scene, Carrie is waiting at her computer for some kind of correspondence from Aiden.  He pulls a Carrie and calls down from the street.  She looks out the window and asks if he wants to come up, but he's brought his dog so he cant.  Nice airbag, Aiden.  He invites her to go on a walk and she goes.

The episode ends with a computer shut-off.

I like how this episode plays with technology-- things that are supposed to make communication easier often just get in the way of communication.

In the next episode, Charlotte deals with the consequences of choosing family over her career, firing one of the first shots of modern mommy wars.  Miranda hurts her neck, and Carrie shows some new bad behaviors for me to judge her for.

Real Mature.

<3

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Season 4 Episode 5 Ghost Town

So, if any of you watch Dr Who, or Buffy, or even Star Trek, you know there are monster-of-the-week episodes and then there are meaningful over-arching plot episodes, right?  Well, SATC has a similar episode style.  There are boyfriend-of-the-week episodes, and then there are episodes with a whole lotta character development.

This one is the latter.

No new boyfriends here. but a whole lotta re-introducing of old boyfriends here.

And speaking of old boyfriends, there's Steve! He's surprised Miranda outside a cafe and made her burn her tongue on her $7.50 coffee.  What a jerk!

"Geez you look great! How ya doing?" He inquires, Steve-like.  Steve is one of my favorites.  He's always so authentic.

"Good. You know, boring." Miranda is a little less authentic, although I absolutely love this response to small-talk.  Like, are you asking to fill time, or do you really want to know about my recent sex-strike?

But Steve has news! He's sending out invitations for... a bar opening?  He's opening his own bar.

Miranda is shook.  Well, she was excited until Steve's girlfriend, Jessica, from several episodes ago comes out of the cafe to "we" him. ("Oh, we'd love to see you there!") Hence, shook.

"She 'we'd" him, Carrie. Right in front of me." Miranda says over the phone to Carrie a few minutes later at work.

"Miranda, I'm still asleep. How can you have had an emotional mini drama already?" Carrie sleeps till noon, half of Manhattan has emotional mini-dramas before she wakes up.



Miranda is upset because it was -her- idea for Steve to open his own bar. (when exactly did she suggest this?) She wants to know where his drive came from all of the sudden. He wasn't ambitious when he was with her.

Carrie tries to talk her down, "Well, maybe you inspired him. Maybe he named it 'Miranda's' or 'Hobb's Nob'" I can't get over what a great name Hobb's Nob would be for a bar.

"He named it Scout, after his dog." Well, Miranda, perspective: if you had never told him that you didn't want to have a baby with him, he wouldn't have gotten the dog to save your relationship.

Miranda doesn't want to go to the opening, and Carrie convinces her that since she and Steve are friends, she should go to support her friend. Miranda then coaxes Carrie to come with her, and she agrees.

"Of course, absolutely.  That's what friends are for--

--FORGET IT. Not going." Carrie slams her invitation on the  brunch table in the next scene.

"To what?" Sam asks, and lifts the invitation to read it, "Steve Brady and-- Aiden Shaw?!"

"How did this happen?  Why are they even friends?!" Carrie is beyond annoyed.  She's Nettled.

Miranda explains that Aiden is Steve's Silent partner. (then why is his name on the invitation?) Sam asks why she wasn't invited, and Carrie gives up her invitation to her.

"Come on, it's a big party, you probably won't even see him." Miranda tries.

"It's not a party.  It's a parade of our failed relationships." Carrie's got a point.

Charlotte thinks it's a good thing that Aiden invited Carrie-- that he wants to be friends with her.  But Carrie is not convinced.  Sam still wants to go, and Miranda is nice about it.  Miranda mentions Sam's lesbian lover du jour, and Sam is a little iffy on inviting the missus.

"All we ever do is lie around, take baths together and talk about feelings."

Charlotte is verbally rolling her eyes, "I think they call that a relationship."

"I don't know how you people do it.  All that emotional chow-chow, it's exhausting." says Sam.

"I know," Miranda adds, "Don't you just hate that?"

"Women." Carrie ends.

In an effort to get out of the bathtub, Sam invites Maria out to a bar with her that night. Only the bartender knows Sam, you know, biblically. And so does some rando. And they've both propositioned her in front of Maria, and it is really uncomfortable.  In fact, Maria has no idea how much sex with random men Sam used to have, and it is becoming a huge sticking point.

In the bath later on, Maria asks Sam how many men she's slept with. Sam turns the question on her,

"How many women have you slept with?"

"12" Maria responds plainly

This silences Sam 'uh, this year?' Jones right up.
 ---
 Miranda hears some weird noises coming from the apartment above her and is frightened.  She thinks she has a gg-g-ghoooost!


She talks about it with the foursome, and all of them think ghosts are real.  It's pathetic. Sam advises her to calmly approach her -ghost- confront it and ask it to go away.  Cause that's how ghosts work.

Really though, it's just to tie the episode together.

The night of the event, Carrie comes over with a pack of oreos to comfort Miranda and it's sweet of her.
---

Charlotte has decided that it's time for Trey and her to go in on a new bed. Their old mattress is hard and uncomfortable, so she's looking for a new, softer, dust-ruffle-free one.

But, like everything, he's gone and told his mother about it, and she's taken it upon herself to try beds with them. It's really awkward.

Bunny is domineering, guiding her to hard, dust-ruffled monstrosities.  Char tries to point out new, softer, dust-ruffle-free styles.

"My dear child, you cannot not have a dust ruffle. It's unsightly!"

When Trey shows up late to the bed-shopping party, Bunny guides him to a nice and firm mattress with a dust-ruffle.

"Hello. This is comfy isn't it? Charlotte you really must try this." He says to Charlotte's chagrin.

pictured: Charlotte's chagrin.

"I was thinking more on the lines of--"

"Oh Charlotte for heaven's sake, get in." Bunny demands and they all lay side-by-side in the bed in the worst three-some you can imagine.  An absolute nightmare for Charlotte.


Later that day, Charlotte realizes how much of her life is being haunted by Bunny, and the mattress shopping really was the least of it.

"Your mother decorated this entire apartment, didn't she?" Charlotte approaches Trey, decoy in hand.

"Of course. Mother does all our houses." Trey says it like that's normal.

"I should have known." She's horrified again. "Plaid, and, and the mallards."

"You don't like them?" Trey is really dumb.

"No! It's like we live in the Museum of Natural Ugliness!" Charlotte then suggests, in the name of 'fresh starts' that she should decorate the apartment to better suit her-- uh I mean their tastes.  Trey isn't sure, because decorating is expensive, but he trusts her and I think we're all grateful for that.

That apartment really is the worst. It's where plaid goes to die.

Instead of just deciding it on his own and that being that, he announces that he has to talk to Bunny about it next day.  But he wakes up with a cold and can't.  She pretty much moves in at this point to take care of his son and I just get the worst vibe from these two.

Move over Charlotte! there can be only one lady in this guy's life!

She won't take it lying down in the hardest most dust-ruffled bed in history. She stands up to Bunny and tells her that they're redecorating. And also asks her to stop rubbing vapo-rub all over his chest since he has a new woman in his life who can rub vapo-rub all over his chest.

Bunny is all threatened with her hackles up. "I've been in this house far longer than you have-- and unlike you, I never left!"

Charlotte is unfazed.  She finally confronts her ghost and asked her to leave.

Well, it kind of worked.  A week or two later, Bunny bombards her way through their apartment and into the bedroom-- to find Charlotte sitting on Trey's dick, on a dust-ruffle-free bed! And she is horrified! Either by the dust-ruffle-free bed or the sex, no one knows! But, no more unannounced visits from Bunny!


--
Speaking of confronting ghosts:

At Sam's, in the middle of the night, that rando from the bar earlier comes to Sam's apartment hoping to score.  Maria is there and she's pissed.  I would be too, cause he takes one look at Maria and Sam and suggests they make him a sandwich or something.  gross.  After Sam politely declines his offer to have a sandwich made for him, he refuses to leave until Maria shouts at him through the closed door.

And finally Maria has to confront Sam's ghosts:

"You let men come to your door like this in the middle of the night?"

"Let it go it's all in the past!" Sam is in denial.

"No! It's not in the past. It's serving us drinks, It's on the answering machine. It's at your door in the middle of the night."


Sam responds, "This might come as a shock to you, but I used to have sex with men."

"This man was here for nothing but sex." Maria states.

"Yes. Which I used to enjoy and haven't had much of since I got into this relationship."

Maria's got her hackles up now.  They seem to be having two entirely different conversations here, or at least two understandings of what sex means in a relationship.

Sam is still talking about all the sex she's missing since she got into the relationship-- that she wants passion and fireworks.  So, passionately, Maria goes to her kitchen cupboards and one-by-one smashes her plates on the floor.

"Do you want fireworks?!" she shouts as she breaks them."You can have fireworks!"

"Those are my plates!" Sam shouts back.

"These are not your plates. You don't even cook!" Maria wins the episode with that line.

--
oh geez, I've forgotten about Carrie in all of this.

Carrie decides that she should at least offer Aiden something as a gesture of peace since she unequivocally is not going to the opening, but wants him to know that she knows that he's extended friendship.


 She just doesn't want to be a dick about it.  She goes to Scout to find Steve there and gives him a Mulberry plant, you know cause the bar's on Mulberry street, and to talk to him about Aiden.

Steve reveals shocking news that it wasn't Aiden who invited her, but Steve. He wanted Miranda to have a friend for support.  At that, Carrie is done with the whole thing.  She hears Aiden in the back and high tails it out of there.

"Carrie!" Steve yells at her as she's leaving.  She's a runner.

At this point, Miranda returns the favor and comes over to comfort Carrie about her ghosts.

And actually I think this was supposed to take place in the same scene as before cause it's clearly Miranda's apartment, and they're still eating oreos but it can't be the same scene cause days have gone by.

But anyway, Carrie-ing on, Carrie starts off by being embarrassed about her behavior at the bar earlier. Running away and stuff.  Miranda asks her how the bar looked.

Miranda is trying to feel happy for Steve-- but it isn't in her, or them, to feel happy for people that aren't the foursome.

Miranda continues, complaining that her life is the same as it always was-- you know, boring-- while Steve has completely moved on with his "own bar, his own Jessica"

Then Carrie points out that Miranda has a ghost and not everyone has one of those!

I wonder if it's the owner of the old abandoned salt mine?

Miranda points out that Carrie has TWO ghosts:


Carrie's afraid that what she did to Aiden is unforgivable, and will haunt her the rest of her life.

"And there's nothing I can do about it."

"Sure there is! Come to the party!"

"Aiden didn't invite me."

"Steve's a good guy, he wouldn't have invited you if it wasn't OK with Aiden."

Carrie asks if Miranda might still have feelings for Steve, and Miranda doesn't take a beat, "no. god. no."


And then Miranda asks the same, about Aiden, and Carrie isn't sure, but that mumbling mouth of hers says so much.

Don't do it Carrie.  Aiden's too nice a guy to shit all over again.

--

Sam gets a caller at a more reasonable time of day.  It's Maria, with a present for Sam.  It's a strap-on! Cause Sam misses dick so much.

But it doesn't work-- "The strap on, or the relationship?" Miranda asks at the opening later on.

"both." Sam responds with a very stiff neck.

You know, there's only two ways to get a neck injury.  :wink:


Carrie parts ways with Sam and Miranda, heading outside to get a smoke and standing behind the door smoking a cigar is Aiden.  He got a haircut, started an exercise routine and looks seriously good.

She's juggling a piece of cake, her cigarette, and a drink, and no way to eat her cake.


She should take lessons from Kramer.

"Is that all you could carry Carrie?" he's smooth now too.

"I can't eat my cake." She says lamely.

Aiden takes her cake and starts to feed it to her.

"Now you got your fingers all in it!"

So, he takes a bite of it.

"That's my cake!" She protests.

"So now you want the cake?"

"I never not wanted it."

"Ok lady you take the cake." He says as he feeds it to her all sexy-like.

This show has layers!

"You cut your hair." Carrie tries to flirt with him.

"You have frosting on your lip." Aiden says, preemptively shutting this whole thing down.

Steve comes out to gather his silent partner from the alley.

Carrie is left a little less sure of her being over Aiden. And I find myself annoyed with her again.  It's like a buzzing at this point-- just inside my ears. She's so annoying.

That's the end of that one.  In our next episode, Carrie tries to get back together with him and comes off like a crazy chick.  So, that'll be embarrassing for her.

Can't wait.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Season 4 episode 4 What's Sex Got to Do With It?

When we last left Carrie, she was really excited about dating a Jaaaazz Musician. And Mr. Big was being a Big Asshole.  Charlotte and Trey were planning on maybe having sex in their own bed this time, in order to eventually have sex in a taxi: Where God Intended. Sam is a lesbian now, dating a really feisty, fun, Portuguese artist.  And Miranda.  Poor Miranda.  She's always the one in the sex slump.  This is actually one of my favorite episodes of Miranda's.  It is iconic.  It perfectly describes Miranda in a nutshell.

But before we get to the fun stuff, we have to slog through some sexy times with Carrie.

She and the Jazz musician are busier than Charlotte and Trey were in the last episode.  Carrie is enjoying herself, but the love man.  She's never had such good sex with anyone without loving them first.

And it's a problem, cause of course it is.

The bigger problem that I can see, is that he is constantly running from one thing to another. He has a billion instruments in his apartment that he can't actually play, and the music that's playing in the background is as shattered and unfocused as the *broken mirror he has hanging up on the wall.*   This guy is a MESS.

 At dinner with the gals, Carrie is complaining about how sexually compatible she is with the Jaaaazz Musician.  (I've changed his name from Pork Pie because reasons).  She's got the news tonight: The most mind-blowing orgasm she's ever had in her life.

Miranda, always the cheese, announces that she's on strike till conditions improve.  The only one being affected is her. womp womp.

Sam tops everyone by bragging about being a lesbian. Good for her.  Everyone is just stunned, not necessarily about the lesbian thing, but that she used the word "relationship."

Sam does not do relationships, just like Joey doesn't share food.  It is known.



 She reminds them to kindly wipe the shock off their faces cause here comes Maria from off scene.  "I see you told them," she says out of the side of her mouth.  I see Sam's friends forgot to wipe the shock off their faces.

whoops.

Miranda, Charlotte and Carrie go off into the night to rudely gossip about Sam's apparent change of sexuality.  They have some not-so-nice and slut-shamey things to say about it.

"How does that work?  You go to bed one night, and wake up the next morning, and poof you're a lesbian?" The SEX COLUMNIST asks.  She should know that, huh, yeah!  Some people's sexuality is mutable.

"I forgot to tell you, I'm a fire hydrant." Miranda forgot to include a punchline.

"yeah, I'm a shoe.  I always wanted to be one and, poof, now I am." Carrie doesn't have a soul.  She couldn't possibly be shoe.

These aren't sexual orientations.  You're part of the problem.

"I don't think she's a lesbian.  I think she just ran out of men." Charlotte you can do better.  I know you can.

"When you go on strike, you don't eat pussy!" Miranda shocks everyone.  Maybe if she did go on a few dates with women, conditions would improve.

Carrie ties everything together with the meat of her annoyance-- SHE had the big news of the night.  Her mind-blowing orgasm should be the talk of the town.  This is mind-numbing.  No one curr, Carrie.

--

Later that night, Trey and Charlotte meet at the foot of the marital bed to see if Trey can get it up.

Turns out, he can.

whoot!

Now that the penis problems are behind them, Charlotte wants to move back in.  She can't just broach the subject so she asks what he's thinking.

"I'm thinking I've never seen my John Thomas so hard."  I'm thinking John Thomas has got to be the funniest euphemism for penis I've ever heard.

"What were you thinking?" He asks as Charlotte secretly regrets wanting to move back in, I bet.

 "I dunno.  Should I... Do you... Are we ready to-"

"-Go again? Houston we don't have a problem."

As Trey's John Thomas re-enters Charlotte's orbit, Charlotte is deflated.

 ---

Carrie is in her apartment, shirtless.  She's brushing her teeth and the Jaaaaazz Musician rings her bell.  But just then, the phone rings.  It's Sam.  She's offended that they went off and talked about her and Maria for several blocks the other night.  Sam is deeply hurt that they don't take her seriously, it's not about the sex of the person, it's the person of the person.


"She's got passion, intelligence--"

"--a vagina?" Carrie interrupts.

"oh, vagina shmagina!" Sam makes light.

"shmagina, is that what the lesbians are calling it?!" Carrie can't help herself.

Sam defends herself, saying that she and Maria haven't even had sex yet, and then says something that she'll come to regret: "Life is not all about sex."  And Carrie counters, "tell that to her shmagina."  She does have a point.

 As Sam explains that her new relationship is important to her, the Jaaaazz Musician enters the apartment and starts going down on Carrie. It's super rude.  Like, dude, stop.  She's on the phone.

Sam sort of notices something is off, but after a half-hearted/half-moaning assurance from Carrie, she continues talking about her girlfriend.

--

Carrie, next day, writes in her little laptop about sex and relationships.  They seem inversely related.  Or not.  fuck that.

It still doesn't solve her intimacy problem.  She decides to have a conversation with her fuck buddy, the Jaaazz Musician (is that getting old yet?).  You know, now that I think about it, turning him into a  fuck buddy would be the PERFECT solution in all of this.  He clearly doesn't know how to hold a conversation with Carrie without changing the subject a hundred times, and Carrie's clitoris seems to think he's the one.

And he seems a much better fuck buddy than her previous one:

RIP: Carrie's fuck buddy.
--

Speaking of fuck buddy, Sam and Maria finally make love on each other.

Well, it doesn't start off that well, Sam moans her way down to Maria's boceta (that's Portuguese for pussy, and a quick googling shows it *actually is* Portuguese slang for pussy.  weird.), and Maria admonishes her: "this is not a porno flick" and then teaches Sam the right way to make love to her. 

As you do.

--

Miranda is meanwhile attempting to control her sexual desire by ordering chocolate desserts.  She is shocked when the waiter tells her the price of one cake is $74.50.  At that price, you might as well just pay for sex. ><

So, she decides instead to buy a box of cake mix and frosting courtesy of Betty Crocker.

Then the fun music starts, and we get a great montage switching between Miranda eating slice after slice of her cheap yummy cake, Trey and Charlotte fucking all over their apartment ("Trey I'm on the Mallard!"), and Carrie and the Jazz Musician porking.

--

The next morning, to Carrie and Miranda, Charlotte is complaining about how Trey won't ask her to move back in. "We make love all over the apartment and then in the morning I get up and get in a cab and go home just like a Park Avenue Hooker." ahem, Pork Avenue.

Miranda asks why she can't bring it up.

"No! We've finally got the penis working, I don't want to scare it!"

Carrie tells her friends that they need to talk to Sam about her relationship, since she was so miffed about them not taking it seriously last time.

"Oh please!" Charlotte balks, "She's not having a relationship, she's just doing this to bug us."


As far as Carrie knows, Sam hasn't had sex yet.  She says as much, that it must be serious. But as soon as Sam walks up and Charlotte asks about her relationship, Sam dives right into very vivid details about her new sex life with Maria.

I am just rolling here with amusement:

"Did you know that when a vagina gets engorged, it expands to the size of a fist? It's like a fabulous cave..."

"I guess they've had sex." Miranda comments.

 "...And we have *three* holes down there!" Sam continues.

"Ok, stop talking about your relationship." Charlotte pumps the breaks.

"But it's fascinating!  There are places a dick just can't go!"  Sam explains.

"Well some dicks manage just fine." Carrie says.

"Please, Maria has ten dicks." Sam waves her fingers around.

"I'm sorry a finger is not a dick." Carrie reminds Sam that she took basic anatomy at one point in her life.

"Yes, a finger is more like a third of a dick, so technically Maria has 3 and a third dicks." Miranda recounts her fingers to be sure.

"I can tell you right now that this:" Sam mimes a penis going straight in with a sad expression on its face, "is not the same as this." Swirling finger with an interested fun look on its face.

Charlotte's face has gone from morbid curiosity, to shock, to disgust, and she waves Sam's fingers away.

I just have one thing to say about this whole conversation. Men have fingers too.  And tongues, and palms, and any number of things that women have.  There *are* some things that women have that men don't, that are quite amazing in their own right, but Sam didn't mention them and it makes me roll my eyes a little bit.  For how entertaining she is describing her sex-life, she isn't even saying the most fun, shocking things she *could be* saying.

Just sayin'.

--
Like I said, Carrie tries to get to know the Jaaaaazz Musician, and he changes the subject about a thousand times. It is frustrating.  She realizes that her clitoris' pick for 'the one' is someone suffering with ADD.

I'm not getting into that throwaway line.  I don't know enough about ADD to make jokes about it, so I won't.  I know people who actually have it don't like it being taken lightly, so I won't.

Suffice to say, Carrie can't even have a conversation with him, so she asks him to "play her" and he's more than willing to keep their relationship all about sex.

...Until the next morning, when he offers her water but then goes to play a banjo instead.  She nopes right out of there and narrator Carrie talks about enjoying music with a tune she can sing to.

--
Charlotte is not willing to keep her relationship all about sex either.  She mentally gives Trey one last time to bring up the moving in thing, and instead he asks her to measure his John Thomas. "What? No!"  She escapes the room in disgust to go take a shower.

Narrator Carrie sums it up nicely as horror opera music plays in the background, "As Charlotte lathered up, she really started to get lathered up.  Who did he think he was? He was her husband and she was his wife. What the hell was going on in this upper east side nightmare!?"

Hair soaked and sudded, Charlotte runs back to the bedroom and starts lashing out at Trey:

"Trey!" She barks him awake, "I'm tired of being married to your penis!  I'm a person and this is supposed to be a relationship! And I am done walking on eggshells! ooooh don't talk about moving in in front of the penis cause it might go soft. The penis likes this, and the penis doesn't like that and the penis wants to be measured!"

"Well, it was just a thought." Trey says lamely.

"Well here's another thought! You can shove this marriage up your ass!"

"Charlotte don't go."

"No. I'm going home... I hope you and your penis have a very lovely night!"
---

Finally Miranda has reached her end. She is so absolutely sick of herself.  She has eaten more than half of the chocolate cake and decides to throw it in the garbage.  But right on the top.  So she sneaks back into the kitchen and pulls a George Costanza:



Finally Miranda calls Carrie's machine (she's still knee deep in the Jaaaaazz Musician) to tell her that she's just eaten cake out of the garbage, "You'll probably need this information when you check me into the Betty Crocker Clinic."  Then she squirts Dawn all over the top of her garbage, thoroughly ruining her chocolate cake.

She finally relents, ends the strike and brings out her trusty vibrator.  This is confusing, what the hell does masturbating have to do with not going on dates with men?  Whatever.

And why couldn't she just eat the rest of the cake?  treat yo self!
--

Trey comes to Charlotte's door and asks her to move back in with him. It's sweet.

"I talked it over with my penis and we both agree. I don't want to lose you again. Charlotte York MacDougall, will you remarry me?"

"Yes Trey MacDougall I will remarry you."


That's the end.

Hope you all have a lovely Galentine's day next week! <3

Friday, February 2, 2018

Season 4 Episode 3 Defining Moments

So at this rate, it might just take me a year to get through this season. I like to do them when the kids are gone and the husband is either at work or sleeping, so it can be tough to fit it in once a week.  DH took a few days off for a cold, and there went two whole weeks of opportunities for me to sit down and do this.  Not because I didn't want to, I just didn't have the opportunity.

So, enough excuses!

Carrie and Big are going out on the town together, having a ball.

Wait a minute-- :record scratch: -- did we go back in time a season and a half?  No?

Carrie and Big are just friends now?

That question mark there is incredibly loaded.

So, I guess after some birthday balloons and a lobotomy, Carrie thinks Big is a positive force for good in her life now.

At the end of their we're-just-friends-now-I-promise-non-date, Mr. Big is edging himself up her stoop, as the kids call it, and she is resisting.  He acquiesces, and they banter a bit.  It's cute.

--

Charlotte and Trey meanwhile are going to parties and restaurants all over town and Charlotte is allowing Trey all up in her stoop (and in her parlor, which I hear is what the rich kids are into). Better than Tide Pods for sure.  They are being completely obscene and inappropriate all over Manhattan.  It's hot.  Charlotte is trying to enjoy her new love life, but is confused about the state of her relationship with him. Also she can't enjoy it because it isn't missionary in bed.

"This is a very happy development" Carrie says when Charlotte brings everything up at brunch the next day.

"No, No it's not. We're not even together anymore!" Charlotte complains.

"Doesn't sound that way to me." Miranda says plainly.

"We're supposed to be getting to know each other again, not, not--"

Sam interrupts: "-fucking against a hand dryer?"

"It's so confusing," Charlotte continues, "Are we dating or are we back together? Is he my boyfriend or my lover? Or My ex-husband whom I have sex with occasionally with in coat rooms?"

"I'm going with 'D' all the above." Carrie advises.

Sam brings a bit of good advice, "Who cares what you are, just enjoy it!"

But she can't.  She wants to define what they have together.  For all the fucking they're doing around town, they still haven't managed to do it in their marital bed where all the problems started.

Carrie brings up that she went out on the town with Big last night and Miranda nearly has a conniption, she goes full-on sarcasm mode and I'm right with her.  Carrie is so so defensive, clearly she wouldn't mind letting Big up in her parlor, and Miranda sees right through her denial.

Carrie doesn't think she needs to define her relationship with Big, you know, since Charlotte didn't have to, but Miranda won't have it: "Charlotte married the guy."

"We're undefinable!" Carrie is fighting three negative Nellies (and me).

"She's sleeping with him." Sam enters full-on sarcasm mode as well.

 "No." I guess if my friends were being real with me when I was stuck in a fantasy, I'd be a little annoyed with them too.

"It's a slippery slope Carrie." Miranda tries.

"Yeah, who knows? We might actually :gasp: have fun!" Carrie has entered full-on sarcasm mode as well.

"Have fun, just don't have amnesia!" Sam figuratively slaps Carrie on her bottom.

Speaking of lesbians.

Sam, Charlotte, and Miranda are at a lesbian art show.

While Miranda and Charlotte are complaining about Miranda's new boyfriend, Jim Gaffigan, and his lack of boundaries, Sam is getting hit on by the lesbian artist.  She's a Portuguese lady named Maria who is smitten by Sam.

Well, Sam is annoyed that all the pieces were bought out from under her, and so Maria invites Sam to her studio to pick one out herself.

nice.
--

So, I wanted to chat about Miranda's boyfriend here.  It's one of the most memorable boyfriends she has, and it is effing hilarious because apparently I'm twelve and bathroom humor appeals to me.

It's funny that he is so memorable, because all told, I think he has half a line.

Miranda, Ms. Boundaries, is dating Mr. No Boundaries.  He pees in front of her.  She'll be brushing her teeth and he'll whip it out and just start peeing. In the toilet at least, but it is driving her up the wall.

Her friends suggest she lighten up.  Which is all well and good, but I don't think that it is good advice at ALL.  Miranda ends up doing her own pee-pee business with the door open once, but this seems to escalate her problem.

While she's making coffee in the last scene with him, he full on takes a poo while he's talking to her from the open-door bathroom. GROSS.

And open-door dump is a dump-worthy offense!


--

Carrie ignores her friends' advise to be more cautious with Mr. Big.  They go out to a jazz club.  Carrie doesn't like Jazz, but she does like what she sees in the club.  There's a sexy bass player in a cheesy pork-pie hat that she's openly flirting with next to her ex.  Mr. Big is so not in the mood to share her.  He acts surly and annoyed.

At the end of the evening, Mr. Pork Pie suggests they all take a cab together rather than Mr. Big's car, and Mr. Big is having the worst attitude problem.

 "Cabs are bullshit," he says under his breath so only Carrie can hear.  She's trying to scrape together a halfway decent impression of herself for Mr. Pork Pie, and Big is open-door shitting all over it.

Big continues to sabotage Carrie by getting out of the cab at her stop, and Carrie is pissed.  She doesn't want Mr. Pork Pie to think that they're together.

Then Mr Big openly mocks him in front of her and she's livid.  It isn't a very nice side of Big, jealousy.

He's still trying to flirt with her and be silly, and she is full-on serious mode.

"We need to figure out what we're doing here." She demands.

"What are we doing?" He asks sarcastically.

"What are we?" She affirms.

"We're friends, how's that?" He's pretending he doesn't know what she is asking.

She pretends right back, "What kind of friends?" Here's a thought Carrie, Stop asking him and tell him what you want him to be in your life. Stop letting him lead and you define the relationship.

"Friends who listen to jazz, friends who eat pizza, friends who" He does an eyebrow dance here and it's infuriating, his tone.

She turns him down again, and he riffs on Mr. Pork Pie again.

"Carrie likes a jazz man!"

"I'm going upstairs."

"Suit yourself."  Then as she walks up to her door, he starts walking away scatting a jazz riff and laughing.  It's kinda like a cartoon.

Carrie gets a call a few minutes later, and it's from the jazz man.  Instead of saying hey when she answers, he puts the phone against a speaker playing jazz music.

So she can always associate him with robo calls and waiting-to-talk-to-a-human calls.

"When I hear this song, I think of you. I don't even know you. How fucked up is that?" He says rather than Hello.  What if she lives with her sister? You are batshit, guy.

She is taken in and smiling so wide.  "That's good." She says lamely.

-Someone- is on her other line, and Carrie switches over.  It's Mr. Big wanting to chat.  She says she can't, and he asks if someone is on the other line. She says there is.

"Pork Pie?" he asks.  And it is one of the few times in this episode I laugh -with- him and am not fuming at him.  I don't like Mr. Pork  Pie really at all.  I always kind of assume he doesn't smell very good.

And I really hate jazz.

But it isn't what he says, like so much of Mr. Big, it's HOW he says it.  But this time it was funny.

"Carrie likes a Jaaaaazz Musician."

"I'm hanging up!"

She gets back on with Mr. Pork Pie, and he invites her out on a date that weekend.  He makes sure to tell her NOT to invite Mr. Grumpy Pants, and Carrie actually defends Mr. Grumpy-- uh, I mean Mr. Big.  Either way, she's going out with Pork Pie -without- her ex, like a normal, functioning human being.

And immediately after they hang up, Mr Big rings in again.

"What do you like about him anyway?" He asks in lieu of an introduction.

"He knows when to say goodbye."

---
Sam is at Maria the artist's house.  They are painting and making art together.  Sam was a little surprised by it, but Maria insisted.  She's a very funny, interesting character, and I have to admit that I like her.

Maria is kind of, sort of flirting with Sam. She's playfully making up Portuguese words and being fun.  When Sam shows off her wrecked manicure, and goes to wash her hands, Maria tries to come to the rescue. She holds Sam a little too closely, if you know what I mean.

Sam tells her kindly that she isn't a lesbian and isn't into women or relationships in general, but says that she does want to be friends with her and Maria agrees.

"In my country, a friend is someone who has a big heart and who buys a lot of my art."

"What's portuguese for working it?"

"Working it." :winky face:
---

Charlotte and Trey are getting it on in the back of a taxi.  They are several blocks away from his apartment, but Trey can't wait.  They are heavily making out and Trey is insisting she take off her panties.

Charlotte immediately puts the breaks on.  She insist they can wait the "five stupid blocks" so they can do it in bed like normal people. And then she insensitively brings up his penis problems--

"Not in front of the driver!" Trey shh's his wife.

"No, you just wanted to have SEX in front of him!!" And she gets out of the cab and leaves him there.

Trey finally gets it though. He calls her up a little later and asks her, "So if we were to say, make love in my bed, can we still do it in a taxi?"

"We'll see."

"Alrighty then!"

It's a deal! Woohoo!


--

In the final scene, everyone who's anyone is at the opening to a new restaurant.  Pork Pie is there with Carrie, and Sam is there with Maria.

Big is there with his new super-model girlfriend.  Now it's Carrie's turn to be a smidge jealous. But this woman is kind of an idiot.

Big introduces her, and I'll just transcribe the closed captioning cause it's just as funny as just hearing it:

"This is Sha." Big says.

"Sha?" Carrie asks.

"The Y is silent." YSha explains

Reminds me of this:

Sam comes up to Carrie, presumably, and says "Thank god you're here. I got the last table, let's go."

And then YSha says "Ok." And follows her with a perplexed Big, rolling his eyes, in tow.

It's so so awkward, the six of them at the same table.

Carrie asks for a refill on her wine, and as Pork Pie is reaching for the bottle, Big snatches it and starts filling up her glass. Pork Pie makes eye contact with Sam, who is following the entire scenario with irritation toward Big.

Pork Pie excuses himself from the table, "I'll be back."

Big mocks him at Carrie -again- and she leaves the table as well to follow Pork Pie to the bar.

Pork Pie has found himself a bowl of crab meat, and he's offering some to Carrie as she walks up.

For some reason everyone in this scene is calling Crab Meat "Meat Crab" and I can't get over it.

He tells her that the table is bad and he doesn't want to go back, and so they stick around at the bar for awhile.
 
It's a good plan, too, because some amount of time later, at the table Big is like, "Good thing we weren't fucking hungry." So you know they've been waiting awhile for food.

YSha goes to the bathroom and Sam takes the opportunity to make it real clear to Big how much of an ass he's being.

"So, just to, you know, get things straight, you and Carrie are just friends now, right? You're available?"  she has that twinkle that's a trap.

 "Yes Ma'am." He says, but he knows she's trouble.

"So, if you're just friends, What exactly do you think you're doing? Because that girl might come off like she's all strong and over it but she's fragile. And she's my best friend. So I suggest you back off."

Good Friend Sam.


"Can't we all get along?" Big makes me roll my eyes.

Sam says "excuse me" but what she really means is "fuck you." and she leaves the table.

Maria witnesses the exchange and is floored.  She follows Sam to tell her that she is gonna go, that she lied when she said she could just be friends with her.

"What I saw back there... You... You were magnificent... and I see where this is going and you don't do relationships and it would be very bad for me."

"So we can't even be friends?"


Maria reaffirms that she's way into Sam, but no, and goes into the bathroom to cry or pout or something.  Instead of going back to the bad table, Sam follows Maria into the bathroom. She stiffly turns Maria around like she's terrified and mannequinnly kisses Maria.  It's so stiff, but I guess that's supposed to be passion.

So, now Sam is a lesbian.

According to the show it's like that, anyway.  I'll never understand the way the media portrays this type of thing. A person can't just be bisexual: when they date women they're a lesbian, and when they go back to dating men they're straight. It's infuriating.

Meanwhile, YSha is in the other bathroom snorting coke.  She's neglected to lock the door and Carrie just walks right in.  YSha is not the least bit surprised, and offers a bit to Carrie who declines.  YSha asks if Carrie needs to actually, you know, use the facilities, and she doesn't.

"Oh thank god." Ysha says while she's pulling down her panties to pee in front of her.

And we've come full circle.

The episode ends right outside Carrie's house.  She and Mr Pork Pie are chatting and scatting (but not pooping).  They're talking about jazz and then they're kissing.

Narrator Carrie decides that what ultimately defines a relationship is another relationship.

Like, I guess so, but it isn't that precise.

Actually, it isn't like that at all.

Stay away from Big, Carrie.  He's bad for you.

That's all!  I really really hope to do another episode next week!