Hey there! It's been about a month since my last confession snark. I'll get there. Maybe. One day.
This episode has been looming. They all seem to now. It's my life till I finish this thing. Is this hell?
One more season to go. One more season.
This episode opens up at a piano bar, Nathan Lane is very gayly singing at the piano and it's delightful.
"I usually do this number at home in a pink caftan and a Peggy Lee wig. Like you've never done the same after three daquiris?"
Narrator Carrie is talking about this guy like we've met him before and they're great friends. It's... odd. But friends they apparently are, because after his grand, very Gay, performance, he comes to their table and greets Carrie like they're established friends and we will definitely see him again in a future episode. (we do not).
They reminisce for a few minutes. Nathan Lane is a great comical actor here. Hilarious. The timing is perfect. I love him.
"When we met Cats was just Kittens." He jokes. Charlotte looks confused for a moment.
"You know, Cats, the musical." He explains.
"Oh I love Cats!" She gets it, maybe.
"Medic!"
A new lady pops up next to Nathan Lane (Ok, in this episode is name is Bobby Fine, but I'm going to call him Nathan Lane cause Nathan Lane always plays himself and that's Fine.) He's surprised to see her, since he thought she had a thing, but she wanted to pop in and say 'hello.'
"Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello." She jokes. I like her. She's hilarious. Her name is Bitsy Von Muffling.
"This is Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and.. the one who liked Cats."
Samantha interjects to say that she handled some PR thing.
"Oh, Samantha, I loved you. I was just surprised someone actually liked Cats." Bitsy Von Muffling jokes again.
"Well, I didn't like it that much!" Charlotte says.
"Waiter, sense of humor, table 5." Nathan Lane jokes.
They're here making all these jokes, I feel like I'll be out of a job if they keep this up!
Bitsy announces to Samantha that she's deliriously happy: "I'm madly in love and getting married!" She says. "Big big Hamptons Wedding."
"Congratulations! Who's the lucky stud?"
"ME!" Nathan Lane makes the best joke in the episode. (you did hear it when I said he was VERY VERY GAY)
Carrie laughs so heartily and long that when Nathan Lane looks at her like he's not at all kidding, she squeaks. "oh! You're getting Married?"
And it's hilarious.
"Bitsy and I are affianced. I finally found the right girl." After a lovely kiss between him and Bitsy Von Muffling, he says "Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle before he can tinkle."
Then they leave the scene. Bitsy apparently has Samantha's address and now we have a final scene established for the finale, a big big Hamptons wedding between Nathan Lane and Bitsy Von Muffling.
The foursome spend more than a few minutes completely gobsmacked by the news.
"I thought he was Gay." Charlotte says the obvious.
"yeah, 'Mr Broadway has to go tinkle' has to be the gayest lines I ever heard." Miranda is astute.
"He's gotta be marrying her for the money." Samantha guesses.
"He doesn't need the money. He was one of the original investors in Chorus Line." Carrie explains.
"Just when you thought you'd never hear anything gayer than 'Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle.'" Miranda jokes.
Carrie is insistent for some reason that the wedding is never gonna happen because one time about 6 years ago he said that he was going to trade in his piano bar for helping out Nicaraguan orphans and this is exactly the same situation as that, so of course the wedding is a pipe dream.
I don't understand this logic. Helping out orphans in a foreign country sounds like a really difficult ambitious thing that you have to work hard at and know how to do. Or if you don't know how to do it, sounds like a steep learning curve and a thankless job.
Marrying a lovely woman cause you get along with them and love them, even if you might be gay, is not the same thing at all.
Hey, maybe he's bi? Maybe his sex life is actually none of their business. Maybe I'm losing my sense of humor and patience for this shit as I get older. Maybe some straight or bi people enjoy musicals, especially if they grew up in New York and come from a media family. Just cause someone knows how to play the piano and sing and has a lovely sense of humor doesn't mean he's gay.
But whatever, the entire joke for the entire episode is that the obviously gay man is getting married to a woman.
At coffee shop, the foursome gather around to talk about it since Carrie got an invite and there go her theories about the wedding not happening.
Samantha is concerned about where she's going to stay since it's in the Hamptons and all the places will be booked up.
Carrie is concerned that he's getting married at all since he's gay and it's definitely her business.
Charlotte says that Bitsy said they were madly in love and no one else at the table buys that.
"I find the love facade the most offensive part." Apparently it's also Miranda's business too, she continues: "Bitsy should say 'I'm getting older, and I want companionship.' or Bobby should say, 'The hot men don't go for me anymore.' But don't print up invitations and call it love as if love transforms people and changes molecules cause that's bullshit."
I, uh.
I got nothing.
Well, that's a lie. I have a few ideas.
1) Miranda, you just met this couple last night. Nathan Lane was only long-time friends with Carrie.
2) It's none of your business.
3) Back in season 3 I think it was, you also made jokes rather than admit the truth about love or whatever. You had a bit and it was weird. At least Nathan Lanes bits are funny.
Now we're all thinking about Nathan Lane's bits. You're welcome.
In general though, I think these people are too cynical and too judgemental. It's none of their business.
This is the thing with them though, they are incapable of being happy for anyone outside of their little circle. And they struggle deeply with being happy for the people in their circle. So a guy who seems like the gayest gay guy on the planet getting married to the love of his life who happens to be a woman is just a massive joke to them.
Thanks, I hate it.
This is going well, we're five minutes into this thing and we haven't even gotten to the part where Carrie meets Burger again.
Samantha is still obsessed with finding a place to stay. Carrie says they can stay with Stanford and Marcus in their summer house. (Did she.. already talk to him about that and establish that she can bombard them during their vacation?)
"I was a fool to break up with Richard before Labor Day. He has a fabulous house." No. Samantha, he was a dick.
"I wouldn't go to this charade if you paid me." Miranda is such a bitch this episode. fuck. "It's like there's a pink suede elephant in the middle of the room and nobody's allowed to talk about it."
MIRANDA. YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.
"You think they won't have sex?" Charlotte asks for some reason.
Were the writers drunk? Why are these people concerning themselves with this?
"All married couples stop having sex eventually." Sam lies.
LIES.
"That's not true. You've have sex with lots of married people." Miranda jokes.
"That's how I know."
Carrie knows how to bring this nonsense train back around to a semblance of something we can actually talk about: "Ok, let's say it's companionship. How do you sustain a relationship without the zsa zsa zsu?"
Never mind that I don't know what zsa zsa zsu is and it's really hard to type Zs so many times in a row.
That's a real question.
But the answer is of course related to love, not all couplings are romantic. Friends get married sometimes, and so do asexual people. As long as you're both on the same page, you can love and respect someone and want to live together and have a relationship without the tingles. And it's none of anyone's business But The People In The Relationship what kind of relationship it is. As long as no one's getting abused or hurt.
She's a sex columnist, a sexual anthropologist, I can't believe I have to explain this to her. XD
oh, Carrie explains what zsa zsa zsu is: "butterflies in your stomach... that happens when you not only love the person you gotta have them. Isn't that what gets you through the years? Even if it fades, at least you have the memory of the zsa zsa zsu."
Carrie, your longest relationship was what? 6 months? Why is she the long-term relationship expert all of the sudden?
"I'm fine with whatever people want to do." Miranda lies, "Just be straight with me."
"I think that's how Bitsy proposed to Bobby." Carrie tries for a joke.
Charlotte takes this moment that we're all pretending Carrie didn't just say that to announce to her friends that she's actually seeing Harry but she fucking hates everything about him. It's funny.
"Is the sex bad too?" Sam asks the real questions.
"It's the best sex of my life."
In the next scene, Harry is inviting Charlotte to that wedding we're all talking about. Charlotte doesn't want to go with him to the Hamptons (he owns a house there) because she's embarrassed about how hairy he is, especially his back. She insists he get it waxed.
He actually obliges, in order to get her to come with him. Good man.
Only, in usual SATC fashion, it backfires. At the poolside later on, Charlotte is embarrassed by his Tiki shirt "well, Tiki it off." Underneath it is a horrible skin reaction to the waxing. It's gross.
"Suddenly a little back hair isn't looking so bad!" He doesn't put the shirt back on to her chagrin.
--
Carrie is writing in her laptop. It's still about the zsa zsa zsu-- ugh, can the show not fucking say that anymore, it's terrible to type!
The only comment I have is that Writer Carrie says "most singles have better long term luck with friends. So maybe it is a better strategy to marry a friend."
and I have to say "what??"
Let's break that down for you if you don't know why I'm confused.
"Most singles have better long-term luck with friends."
People who have a difficult time becoming long-term romantically involved with people are less likely to stay romantically involved with people.
duh. no shit.
We've also been talking about this for many many Many episodes now though. Started well before the Atlantic City episode where Carrie realized she wasn't investing in her friends, she was hiding in them. And maybe it doesn't mean that she should go out and marry the next guy who ogles her, but she can't expect too much from people who want to go live their own lives and have the babies and get married.
Essentially she needs a hobby.
But this is the season with no mans, and I suppose this is as good an ending as one can expect. It's kind of a filler, a lull season. A build-up before the final season.
--
Samantha leaves a message on Richard's voicemail announcing that she's staying at his Hampton's house that weekend and he doesn't have a choice and there'll be a party but he's not invited.
OK then.
This also backfires on her, because the morning of the party, some bimbos with big breasts arrive. they're Richard's bimbos and Sam Hates them.
"fucking freeloaders." She complains to Carrie.
"People in glass houses." Carrie pokes her. (and foreshadows)
In her end, Sam stands in front of these Bimbos, holds a couple melons up to her own modestly sized chest and mocks them. They mock her back and she lobs one of the melons at them. It breaks a window. For her sake, I'm glad she didn't hit one of them, but FFS she needs therapy.
She's mad cause she's jealous of Richard and the Bimbos. But honey, sweetie, Sam, jealousy is not love and she knows this.
"Evidently, people who borrow glass houses shouldn't throw cantaloupes." Narrator Carrie sums that whole bit up for us nicely.
--
In the next scene, Miranda has come home and it is incredibly hot. No, literally, it's sweaty and warm and there's a fan or three going. god damn, going through summer without central air? no thank you.
Steve is there. He was taking care of Brady and they were napping. He tells Miranda how much he enjoys tending to his son, and it's a lovely moment. Miranda rests on the bed and listens. She looks over at some flowers that apparently Steve brought from a garden in Queens. Lilacs. The way he looks at her is wonderful.
She leans over to him on the bed and starts kissing him.
"Miranda wasn't sure if it was the smell of the lilacs, the smell of the baby or the smell of Steve's skin, but that afternoon Steve went from ex to sex."
god, that line started out so strong, but that last bit. eeek. so cheesey.
Miranda is immediately regretful, not of the line, she wasn't privy to the narration, to the ex fucking.
She complains to Carrie on their way to the Hamptons. They've stopped a roadside outdoor restaurant. Miranda's now participating in this wedding charade.
"Perhaps it was the zsa zsa zsu!" Carrie chimes in, unhelpfully. (I say this because it's difficult to type so many Zs)
"No, it was an itch which we shouldn't have scratched because now we're in a gray area. Not having sex was the only thing holding us together." Miranda complains. "You can't have a kid with someone and get along and have great sex without giving the wrong impression."
fuck, she's exhausting. XD
"That being what, that you're happy?" Carrie needles Miranda.
Miranda looks at her like she's a vile betrayer. But I say she needs to be pushed.
Steve is top tier boyfriends on this show, someone needs to end up with him.
Sam was in the background on the phone still setting things up for the party. She tells Miranda that her baby is not invited to the party.
And Miranda is rightfully upset, cause they're going to vacation town, there's no sitters there. Sam insists that the baby is also ruining her lunch.
This tiny child has not made one peep in the 2 minutes we've been in this scene.
Carrie goes to get more ketchup. She's distracted when a motorcycle pulls up. Motorcyclist takes his helmet off, and she's so distracted by the sight that she gets ketchup all over her hand.
It's Our old pal, Burger. He recognizes her immediately and jokes about making a tourniquet out of a hot dog bun.
Classic.
The whole scene here is bad though. It's bad.
Carrie is awkwardly dealing with the ketchup mess, she's got it all over her lip and her hand. He's helping and announcing in a weird way that he bought the bike as a reaction to his break up. I guess it gets the information out there that he's single, but it's still awkward.
She's thrilled about the 'single' news.
"You look good on [the motorcycle]" she tries to flirt.
"No, I look good next to it. On it, I look like this." Then he makes a funny face. 😬 <-- like this.
"So you're uneasy rider." She jokes. He starts to laugh and then grimaces. It's not great.
But whatever. She's interested. They go hang out together at Samantha's pool party the next day.
...and she immediately frightens him away. She goes on and on about her recent break up with Aiden and it's.. it's ugly. and he can't get out of there fast enough. Good guy. She is not ready. He's not ready either, his talk about his break up was also fraught.
--
At the pool party, before all that (I'm kinda jumping around here, sorry), Bitsy says to Carrie in front of her future husband and Stanford "Woman to woman, the sex is *amazing*!" Like, that's not woman to woman, but whatever.
Nathan Lane starts kissing her cause he's flattered. Marcus, Stanford's boyfriend comes up behind them and Nathan Lane comments on Marcus' amazing body in his swimsuit:
"Well, who ordered the Adonis?"
Stanford introduces them.
"Look at that body, it's disgusting," Nathan Lane goes on, "Wow, I could grate cheese on your abs."
As he's miming grating cheese on his abs, Marcus is looking over at Stanford like he can't tell if he wants to start laughing or crying.
"One large pizza, hold the salami! Please, put a shirt on before I marry you." Nathan Lane makes the second best line of the episode. Honestly, everything he says in this episode is hilarious.
Nathan Lane and Bitsy Von Muffling leave the scene, Nathan Lane grabbing her ass on the way. clearly a move by a gay guy.
Stanford, Carrie and Marcus continue talking about Nathan Lane and his queerness for a few minutes. Stanford is pissed that Nathan Lane was touching Marcus. Carrie still can't understand why Bitsy would stoop to ending up with a gay guy.
"Maybe he just makes her laugh." Marcus says. They always say that in this show. You gotta end up with someone who makes you laugh. Like sure, it's one sign of compatibility, shared humors. But whatever, I'm going on.
--
Miranda and Carrie hang out at Marcus and Standford's Hampton house the next day. (or maybe they're staying with them. I hope they asked first). The gay couple is watching Brady while the ladies gush about all the food and the nice things at the table.
"How about we marry gay guys?" Miranda says. I roll my eyes.
Carrie laments Burger's quick escape. "I was emotionally slutty." She claims she couldn't help unloading onto him because the.. uh, you know, the too many Zs thing.
"Maybe we should stop looking for a great relationship and settle for a fine one." This was supposed to be a play on Nathan Lane's character's name, but that's a lame joke. I mean, she's right to an extent. Burger is not a great love though. Jesus. Bottom of the barrel.
Miranda claims she'd marry Steve if he were gay. "ugh, everything would be so easy."
What makes her think Steve would want to marry her if he were? This is so entitled, man. At least in Carrie's case, Stanford did offer to marry her back in the day-- you know, to get all the money.
Hey, you think that he got his inheritance from his grandmother when he married Anthony? or do you think his grandmother died well knowing Stanford was gay and therefore undeserving of an inheritance?
That's some dark shit.
"You did it Stanny" Carrie tells her friend as he walks up to the breakfast table, "We've all been looking and you actually found it!"
"Marcus and I haven't had sex since we bought the Cynthia Rowley China." Stanford is sad.
womp womp.
"Thank god, I am so relieved." Carrie says. WHAT THE FUCK? Is she really only happy when she's surrounded by people as miserable as her?
Would she faint to learn that my spouse and I are happily married 15 years. That we still have sex, and we have a nice house and things are great?
No, she'd just make a dry joke about how boring our lives must be in the suburbs and how pathetic we are or something like that.
I hate these people.
--
At the wedding this whole thing has been leading to, Nathan Lane is saying his vows. They are sweet, heartfelt and lovely.
"...You walked in wearing that red vintage Dior..."
And Miranda whispers to Carrie "pink elephant in the room." and she's not the only one mocking the couple. They all do. It's gross.
I never noticed this, but Carrie's hair grows about 4 inches throughout this episode. It starts out just below her ears, straightened, and now they're at the wedding and it's to her shoulders. I know her belly is a lot bigger too, cause I watched the commentary for this episode once and Sarah Jessica Parker is 7 months pregnant in the final scene. Pat Field had a hell of a time finding a costume for the wedding for her since they didn't want a steadfastly single Carrie looking that pregnant standing on the dance floor without a distracting prop. Pat Field actually made the dress she's wearing and it really does hide her belly. I think I was watching this episode with commentary before I realized that SJP was pregnant through the season and that's when I noticed the props and the outfits covering the belly.
I really don't look at people's bodies much or notice things like that. :shrugs:
Bitsy continues with her vows to Nathan Lane. They, too, are sweet and lovely, and the peanut gallery is making joke after joke about how she's marrying a gay guy.
oh, but finally they're silenced. Cause she's sincere and fuck you.
"Perhaps we were all too cynical" Narrator Carrie says the obvious, "Perhaps despite the odds, Bobby and Bitsy had found something real."
No shit.
Now we're at the reception. There's a live band and they're playing "Fly me to the Moon." it's wonderful.
Harry has been embarrassing the shit out of Charlotte all weekend. It really is starting to get old. I suppose at one point it was cute, watching Charlotte get bothered by all the little things that Harry does to annoy her. But now I'm just like, life is way too short. Do the thing, screw what other people think about your guy. If you're happy with him and he makes you happy, then tell everyone to suck an egg or something.
Right now he's dancing and beckoning Charlotte to join him. She's sitting with her friends who have barely shared one scene with him, but they're tired of her nonsense too. They say that he seems really really nice and he actually might be real and make her happy. She should definitely dance.
"There's nothing on my face, nothing in my teeth. I'm sure you'll hate my moves on the dance floor, but that is the risk that every man must take."
She does the thing. Thank Goodness. While dancing she reveals to Harry that despite everything wrong with him she might be falling in love with him. He says that he's been doing that since the moment they met. dawww.
But. He reveals their big relationship block. He's Jewish. He needs to marry a Jewish woman.
"What can we do?" He says.
"I dunno, dance." Charlotte replies. They'll figure it out next season. That's a problem for future them.
--
Carrie goes to get another piece of cake and Miranda is left with her 'boyfriend,' Brady. She picks up the sprig of lilac from the centerpiece and inhales deeply.
"Should we call Daddy and tell him we miss him?" she has been replaced by a pod. or maybe it's supposed to be the ... you know, the Z thing.
Steve doesn't answer the phone, and Miranda is pulled out of it by the reality of potentially leaving a message on Steve's machine. She puts the lilac back on the table and little Brady immediately picks it up.
SYMBOLISM.
Nathan Lane has one last thing to say to Carrie the cynic.
"I remember when we went to these things for the free food." He says. (this was not the last thing, but I had to include it.)
"I have dinner rolls in my purse."
"There's my song," Nathan Lane says as 'Is That All There Is' starts playing in the background, "and there's my girl. Whom I love. In case you had any money riding on it." He knows what they've been saying and he's insulted, but is there for love.
"Not a penny." Carrie lies.
--
Burger for some inexplicable reason is there. He asks Carrie to dance and she also obliges.
She keeps her mouth shut, and he comments on it. He reveals that he's got his own issues and "wasn't sure if I was up for all that again... Then I thought Maybe we should go on a date before we break up."
--
The last scene seeing everyone dancing: Nathan Lane with Bitsy Von Muffling, Marcus laughing with Stanford, Carrie with Burger, Harry with Charlotte, and Miranda and Brady with Sam. It's so nice.
And Narrator Carrie says that maybe we shouldn't be judgemental. Because you can never really know what it's like in other people's relationships.
THANK YOU.
"Some people are settling down. Some people are settling. And some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies."
aww. That's nice.
That was the end of season 5. We did it!
I hope it won't take a month for me to get back to start season 6.. but it is what it is. I'm like a wizard here. I'm not late, I do this precisely when I mean to.
