Ah! The episode we've all been waiting for. The beginning of Big's big redemption arc. The show *had* to do this before the end of season 6 (spoilers) or else the entire audience would have hated the ending.
As far as I can tell, the shit Big pulled is irredeemable, but as Kermit said, That's none of my business:
Carrie has forgotten that she's been on several flights in the show, namely to L.A. and back in the 3rd season, and is insisting that it's normal to take a trans-continental train ride to get to the opposite coast.
I'm getting ahead of myself. The foursome are at a very fancy restaurant eating seafood. Carrie tells everyone that she has to go to California for her very smol book tour.
It entirely consists of three book signings in San Francisco.
"Apparently I'm very big in San Francisco" she says.
The other three are suspicious, "You mean Big is in San Francisco." Miranda points out.
No, Big is in Napa, which in California terms is relatively close to SF (50 miles north), but in NYC terms it might as well be in another state.
Anyway.
Carrie complains about not having gotten any in awhile, and everyone including the audience is side-eyeing the hell out of what she just said.
"If all you want is sex, you don't have to go across the country just go across the restaurant. Those guys have been checking us out since they sat down." Miranda points them out and they (not even remotely subtly) all lean in unison to look at the cute men in suits.
"boring. boring and boring." Sam poo poos the men.
Sam is feeling like her life in New York is the same as its ever been. "They should call it 'same york.'"
"Sounds like you are experiencing a 'been there, done them' existential crisis." Carrie jokes.
Miranda and Charlotte (almost divorced) are on the side of "life's still very exciting here, thank you very much!" And it's ironic cause you'd think it would be Miranda and Carrie together not Sam.
Carrie laments that she doesn't want a bachelor from across the room to go out with, she just wants them to lay on top of her. Honey, you could just ask them. I'm sure they'd oblige.
Miranda wishes women could go to male prostitutes, and Sam points out that they do.
They throw around the idea of a brothel for women, a sisthel?
Charlotte says that that idea is stupid because women don't have sex like that "it's not an animal urge, we need to feel things."
Sam and Carrie look at her like she's nuts, cause since the first episode of the show Sam has proven that women do indeed fuck like men. But anyway, I'm carrying on.
Carrie says she doesn't like flying cause she doesn't like it when the National Guard goes through her make-up case, and you know, I just realized that the security theater had ramped up a LOT after 9/11 and this is actually very timely.
She invites Sam on her little cross-country trek and it is to all of our delights that she goes along with it.
--
On the train platform, Sam asks if Carrie has told Big that she's coming and she hasn't.
WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE.
Carrie has a plane ticket to see Big whenever she wants. Did she forget? Did she use it already?
"It's not the destination, it's the journey!" Carrie tries to wax optimistic about the next three days on the train. She also points out that they have a four star fancee AF hotel room waiting for them on the other coast.
Sam talks about how exciting it might be to take a train, "You never know who's going to be getting on and getting me off."
It's not even very long into their train ride that Sam has started to regret joining Carrie and it gets so much worse. For one, the deluxe sleeper is teensy:
"We have to shower over the toilet?" Carrie asks the conductor. She's also starting to regret this horrible idea.
She's got her own personal bathroom on a train and she's complaining. psychotic.
For two, there are increasingly fewer and fewer hot guys on this train. They sit next to some actual Amish people in the food car. "This is the train to ugly." Sam laments.
Carrie is developing a pimple that with the proper application of zit cream would probably reduce in the 3 days it's going to take them to get to California, but she can't help but play with it. It's its own character. The food car offers potato chips as appetizers and Carrie tells Sam not to say 'potato chips' cause the pimple she's growing is about to grow limbs it's so large.
Later on, Sam discovers there's a bachelor party happening somewhere on the train. But alas, it's all married men and they aren't interested in what Sam's offering. They're taking the train to see the footballs and none of them want to get in trouble with their wives. Good men. See, Carrie? There's good men in the world. You just have to go to the Midwest or something. XD
The train does not have a shortage of champagne, and since the failed bachelor party, Sam has found it. She's coping with this adventure well. She realizes that she's having a midlife thing. She'll be over it by the next episode, naturally.
--
Back in New York, meanwhile, Charlotte was about to go for a run when someone knocked on her door. It's Harry! Her divorce lawyer. He's here with the official divorce papers.
Charlotte is showing some fantastic face ingredients here. She's disgusted by the sweaty man.
"So this is the pagoda we've been fighting over. I'm not surprised you didn't want to give it up."
"Actually, I'm thinking about selling."
"After what we went through to get it?"
"It's too big for one person... I'm just putting it out there if you know of any great apartments."
Harry says that he does know someone who is selling, and he hooks her up with a first look.
Charlotte signs her divorce papers under the watchful -sweaty- face of Harry. It's so awkward. He actually drips sweat on one of her signatures. boy.
"That's it. You're no longer 'Mrs. Trey MacDougal." Harry says.
"hmm." Charlotte is pensive. "how do you like that?" she says out loud.
"I like it." Harry has a massive clod of tissue paper on his forehead and he is not looking particularly good to Charlotte.
"I'm a fucking mess today."
"mmm." Charlotte does *not* approve.
Later on, at the first showing of the apartment for sale, he actually goes along with her, which is a bit weird now that I think about it, but it's a great set up.
The apartment is a bachelor pad turned up to eleven. It's got remote controlled blinds and there's music and there's a zebra skin rug and it's all coordinated and very manly and sexy. It reminds me of Barney's place on How I Met Your Mother.
Charlotte says "Ewww!" when Harry shows off these features. He apparently sublet it when he was going through his divorce, so he knows his way around the place.
"I can't believe men think it takes all this to get a woman into bed." Charlotte says.
"What does it take?" Harry asks, mildly aggressively, but it's hot.
"Charlotte. I think you are the sexiest woman I ever met."
She's confused. She's wearing her glasses today.
"It makes me crazy when you say my name!"
"Well then I'm definitely going to stop saying it!"
"What a putz your ex-husband must be." Harry says and I shout AMEN.
"Trey was not a putz!"
"He was a putz! If I was lucky enough to have you in my bed I wouldn't be able to take my hands off you." GOD DAMN. YOU SAID IT MAN.
"Stop Harry." she says, but she's definitely intrigued. (she said his name again)
"Ever since the first moment I saw you, I can't think about anything else... I fantasize about your lips. Your perfect, pink lips."
Charlotte throws her bag behind her and starts kissing him and lays him on the bed and they.. uh, have a good time.
Charlotte meets up with Anthony to discuss this turn of events. She doesn't like Harry like that, but the sex was good. Anthony is encouraging, he totally gets it. He says that she needs boundaries, and also that she needs to be clear with Harry that those are the rules. Ok, so the way Anthony says it sounds rude, but honestly? That's how FWB should go-- you wanna just fuck? great. No romance. Be clear about that up front.
Later on, Charlotte and Harry are together again and Charlotte takes Anthony's advice. For once, it doesn't blow up in her face. Harry is absolutely cool with just being her dial a dick. Oh hey! It took this long, but she finally has one! Go Charlotte!
--
At San Francisco, Carrie meets Molly Shannon, her publicist, at the book signing. But everything is not great: "They're not all here for you. Mr Winkle's here."
"Who's Mr Winkle?"
It's a dog.
"You're opening for a dog?" Samantha says.
Carrie tells Sam to go back to the hotel and get in the big tub and relax. She hasn't told Big that she's coming and this whole trip was a fucking disaster. Sam leaves and is grateful that Carrie's so thoughtful.
Well, for now.
The reading happens and during the question part someone raises their hand.
"When's Mr Winkle coming out?"
D:
Another person raises their hand, but Carrie can't see who it is. "Could you shift?" the audience does and it's Big.
"This Mr Big character," he says, "does he have a real name?" smooth AF, Mr. Big.
"Yes, but I can't reveal it. I have to protect his privacy."
In, oh, less time than it takes for me to type this, and certainly less time than Sam needs to actually enjoy her luxurious and well-deserved bubble bath, Carrie has taken Big back to her hotel room and is DEMANDING for Sam to vacate.
And the extra special bullshit on top of this bullshit sundae is that Carrie got a smaller room for Sam. CARRIE COULD HAVE BEEN WITH BIG IN THE SMALLER ROOM, but SHE KICKED HER FRIEND OUT OF THE TUB.
FUCKING BITCH.
Well, jokes on her. Big is NOT as horny as Carrie.
At dinner, he insists on talking about the book. He hadn't realized how much of a selfish prick he'd been when they were together. And laid out like that, "page after page" was a wake-up call to him.
"I really got how much I hurt you."
"Come on. It's fiction. I embellished!" Carrie is desperate for dick.
Big iterates that a lot of it really happened, word for word.
"That's all in the past. Let's talk about something else!" She pushes the conversation into sexy territory and wraps her feet around his calves. She asks about the wine business.
"It's great." He says, suavely and then shifts, "that bit about my apartment key, was I really that big of an asshole?"
Carrie's feet fall back to the floor.
They are back in the hotel room and Big is still talking about the book.
"Suddenly it became clear to me: This was not my best-laid plan." Narrator Carrie puns.
Big is reading a segment comparing himself to the city and how cold it is.
"When have I ever been cold? Am I cold?"
YES
"No. You're hot." Carrie is *still* trying to get laid here. It's not working.
"Can we please stop talking?" She leans in to kiss him.
"I just don't want you to get hurt again."
"I won't. It's just sex!"
"According to this book, it is not just sex." He's totally right, here. But it's hilarious, anyway.
Carrie then goes so far as to take all the credit for their relationship imploding, "You were unavailable and Very Clear about that." fucking hell, Carrie. "Now please, kiss me. Or at least, lie on top of me."
Here is a bachelor who *won't* oblige.
"Carrie," he replies calmly, "I think it's very clear from this book that when it comes to me you do not have good judgement."
"That's fiction!" She lies again, "and it's not even a best seller!"
She even blames the pimple.
"I just don't want to do something here that I'll be sorry for later." fuck. Big is saying all the right things years and years and YEARS too late.
"I'm fine!" Carrie insists, "Don't I look fine?"
He nods down at her on the bed, and she takes the cue to start taking his clothes off, but he cuts her off *again.* "Let's just talk a little more. Now, page 39..."
---
In the morning, Carrie turns to Big in bed and see's that he's fallen asleep with her book on top of his face. XD
"Thanks to my book," Narrator Carrie says, "nothing was ever going to happen with Big."
"Hey." Big says sleepily as Carrie is getting off the bed, "Where are you going?"
She has a few book readings before heading back to New York.
"Not so fast." He smoothly replies. "Come here." Big pulls Carrie toward him.
"Now?" she's suspicious. "What about last night? All that talk, all those concerns?"
"Fuck it. You'll need material for the sequel." He makes the best joke in the episode.
At the end of the book readings, Sam meets up with Carrie and verifies that she gave up the big room for a good cause, and is relieved that Carrie got some. Finally she can shut up about it.
She also has news that they aren't taking the train back: "American Airlines first class, and some valium." and Carrie is relieved.
"I cannot wait to get to New York," Sam says.
"What about the mid-life crisis ?" Carrie asks.
"Honey, who's mid-life?"
"And sometimes it's not the journey, it's the destination." Narrator Carrie ends this episode with a very astute quote.
That's it for that episode. I'm hoping to be back in a few weeks for the finale!
