When we last left Carrie, she was about to get in bed with Big for whatever reason, Sam was praising her ill-timed period, Charlotte was moving rather swiftly with Trey, and Miranda had recently broken up with Steve.
aww.
And it's so awful too, because Steve had moved in with her, so she had to sneak out to get to work at--
"What time is it anyway?"
"6:30."
Steve assures her that he'll be out of her hair soon, he's got a lead, and not to worry.
Then he awkwardly asks if she wants to go look at the place with him, but that would be really awkward. But Miranda, not being a dick, actually decides that she knows a hopeless case when she sees one. He is teh poors afterall.
---
In Carrie's timeline, she's gotten herself into an even bigger kerfuffle than just sleeping with Big. She's Aiden's booth-bitch at his furniture show, which is I guess some kind of in-joke, but I don't get it. I mean, at least they still have in-jokes at this point.
Big walks up to their booth with his pristine white-dress-wearing wife, and it is mostly maple-- uh awkward. Natasha insults Aiden's furniture aesthetic, and we're supposed to fault her for it. Then Big and Aiden and Natasha and Carrie stand around chatting awkwardly about furniture until Aiden is like, "who are these people?" Cause he can feel the tension.
And rather than reveal Big's mysterious name, she accidentally spills coffee on his crotch. I sort of love this about the show. Writing about it now, it is hokey and gimmicky-- especially considering they do reveal his name in the show's finale-- but in the moment, the first time you watch this scene, it is seamless:
-Who are your friends, Carrie?
-This is Natasha and this is --Whoops!-- cue scalding coffee on Big's crotch.
And then Carrie reaches down to try to help clean it up, asking him if it's hot.
"Well it ain't cold!" And Natasha pushes her away from her husband's crotch. good girl.
It all reminds me of "The man with the Yellow Hat" from the Curious George show. They spent SO MANY seasons and books dodging saying his name, and it was mildly hilarious.
Until they made the godawful Curious George Movie, and all that name tension was just gone.
Ted. His name is Ted.
Two hours later, during the silent auction, Big returns, visibly drunk, while Aiden is busying himself with other furniture show stuff, and he slams his whiskey down on a piece of Aiden's furniture. SLAM.
There is SO much in that one ringing action. SLAM. I'm back in your life, coming between you and Aiden, the mostly-maple, clunky and oppressive desk.
And another thing I notice, he refuses to use Aiden's name. He called him "Paul Bunyan" "Daniel Boone," and always undermining her and her relationship. She picks up on it right away, corrects him multiple times and tries to be civil, but Big is drunk and incredibly jealous.
She picks up the glass after a beat, wipes off the condensation and asks him where his wife is.
"She's guarding her bid on a silent auction. She's got her eye on a beige chair. Everything in my apartment is now beige. Beige is bullshit."
"I thought you wanted beige"
"Yeah, well it doesn't quite. fit."
They continue their awkward back-and-forth. Big tells her a secret, that isn't really a secret, that things aren't working out and he's leaving Natasha. "If you know anyone who's interested."
Carrie is floored.
She immediately goes to the four-some for advice.
They are full of it.
Charlotte is freaking out because he's married.
Sam is pissed on her behalf because married men never leave their wives.
Miranda is annoyed because he obviously only wants Carrie because he can't have her.
And then there's this great back-and-forth:
"What was he doing at the furniture show?"
"I dunno, drinking and leaving his wife?"
Carrie is adamant that she's not going to do anything. For two reasons:
"First of all, I have a great boyfriend. And second of all I'm not insane."
Well, she Does have a great boyfriend.
Miranda advises her to punch him next time.
They all talk about how sad it is that Big's and Natasha's relationship is imploding so quickly:
"It is sad," Charlotte explains, "How long has it been? Seven months?"
"Ah," Sam responds, "The seven month itch."
And then Miranda subtly, not so subtly, cajoles Charlotte. "This is what happens when people jump into relationships too quickly."
Charlotte is offended because she and Trey are nothing like Big and Natasha.
Everyone reminds Charlotte that Miranda is being especially bitter because she's mid-break-up.
Charlotte proves that she and Trey are different by saying that she's meeting his mother. And if all goes well!
"If all goes well, what?" Every cynical person wants to know.
"Trey is this close to proposing."
"You just met. I've had pairs of pantyhose longer!"
Then the show writers shoehorn a bit about logic versus emotion. Heart versus Head.
But it doesn't really magically wipe away any of the very valid issues that Miranda (and most of the audience) has with Charlotte jumping into marriage for the sake of being married. How exactly are Trey and Charlotte different? It just is, I guess.
And then the other half of the audience, who actually *likes* Big and Carrie together gets their voice heard by Sam who asks "SO! How'd he look?"
Sure, it is reckless, and will ruin at least one person's life, but there's nothing wrong with fantasizing sleeping with a married ex. Plus, their chemistry is hard to shake.
---
Miranda goes on an apartment walk-through with Steve. It's worse than we thought. It's the doorway to hell. Miranda offers to legit help him find a better place, out of some goodness in her heart.
---
The first meeting with Bunny, Trey's mother, goes a lot better than expected. Charlotte learns that he does tricks!
Bunny can get Trey to agree to anything in the world if she gently rubs his wrist with her paw. (I'm going to imagine Bunny is an actual rabbit for the majority of her time on screen. For funsies)
Meanwhile, speaking of heart v. head, Sam is currently giving head.
(she -also- does tricks!)
But when he comes, it is the worst tasting come she's ever tried. She almost gagged. "Well that is serious!"
"Have you thought about -not- giving him head?"
"huh, that hadn't occurred to me!"
--
Both Carrie and Miranda get phone messages they can't deal with. Miranda's is a message for Steve, from a woman he met at the bar who wants to date him. Even though he is couch surfing on his ex's couch, he's available.
Carrie's message is from Big, and she obsesses about it with Miranda. She says that Carrie should have punched him while she had the chance. And Carrie sighs and says that she's definitely deleting the message.
But then she doesn't. (of course she doesn't!)
She calls him. And rather than ignite something with her, he tells her that he and Natasha aren't breaking up after all, since it would cost him too much.
Carrie is pissed that she let him in at all. She doesn't want to care about this. She definitely doesn't want to sleep with him.
Not even a little bit.
Nope.
In Carrie's ACTUAL relationship, Aiden is poised to be candidate for Best Boyfriend Ever by offering to fix up Carrie's apartment. He wants to strip her floors and fix the crack on her ceiling. Although, I have to argue that that is really just a bit much. I mean, she rents the place.
It isn't really her job to fix up the place.
---
Meanwhile, Sam and the funky-tasting-spunk guy are sharing shots of wheat grass.
I've watched this episode with the Director Commentary on, and he says that they actually *did* drink dozens of shots of wheat grass. D: It gave Kim Cattrall the runs. oop.
She thinks that the taste of his semen will be affected by the wheat grass. But it isn't.
Then comes one of the funniest scene transitions ever: while Sam is choking on funky-tasting-spunk, Trey is licking some mysterious white goop of his lips. :D
He says something about the dressing tastes a bit, odd, and sends it back. Charlotte rubs his wrist, enabling him to order a tomato and basil salad instead, and he says, "alrighty."
He then starts gushing to Charlotte about how wonderful she is-- leading her to thinking that he'll be popping the question, when from the left, the waitress has popped back with his tomato and basil salad.
I've never been to a restaurant with such prompt service.
"This basil is perfection!" He says before he's taken a bite. "What is it about you Charlotte? You always seem to know just what I want."
She does the trick again, rubbing his wrist just so and says excitedly, "Maybe we should get married."
"Alrighty."
She's absolutely crushed.
"I'm engaged." She says plainly to Carrie. "I suggested he have the tomato basil, and then I suggested we get married."
She's really mostly upset because he was supposed to ask her.
Carrie talks her down from the ledge. And also chides her for getting engaged to a man who says "alrighty." She has a point. Trey is something of a boob.
--
Miranda is woken up in the middle of the night by a mewling puppy. She shouts to the other room, "Steve! the dog!" but he's not there. And now Miranda is alone.
He sneaks back in, abashedly, while Miranda is getting ready to leave for work. It is awkward, but Miranda is not affected. He tells her that he'll be out of her hair that day. And they're done.
They have one last cordial conversation about keeping in touch, staying friends, and then Miranda leaves.
---
In Sam's final scene, she is hesitant to go down on funky-tasting-spunk guy.
He is annoyed, and thinks that she's pulling his chain about the whole thing. She's like, I love giving head, you're ruining it.
He doesn't see what the big deal is, you go up and down a few times, it's easy!
"Easy?! You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey. They don't call it a job for nothing!"
She makes a proposition. If *he* tries it and is fine with it, then She'll go down on him no questions asked.
This short blip of a scene always confused the heck out of me though. He ends up trying some of his joy juice and says that he's fine with it and immediately Sam hops to it.
Refractory period anyone?
---
Charlotte's ending was a little bit more satisfying. She's all glum walking hand-in-hand with her betrothed, but she can't get it out of her head the way it happened.
He stops her, right in front of Tiffany's and suggests they go in and pick out the most beautiful ring they have and she says "Alrighty!"
(course, she ruins it by planning to rewrite history if their kids ever ask how she and Trey got engaged.)
--
In Carrie's end, Aiden is currently stripping her floors. She didn't plan for the fact that this job is messy and loud and time-consuming. Rather than going to a coffee shop or the park or something, she rents a hotel room and goes there.
Big calls. He's in the lobby.
She is panicked. He got the number from Aiden when he called her apartment. Now she's pissed.
He simply *has* to talk to her. She has to talk to him right back. She smartly meets him down in the lobby and let's him have a stern tongue lashing. Course, he's getting drunk (again) at the hotel bar instead.
"This has to stop! The flirting, and the jerking me around, and the calling my boyfriend. He doesn't know about you and I don't want him to ever know about you."
"Why is that?"
"Oh go lay in your beige bed."
She leaves the bar and he chases her down.
"Listen, I have to explain this to you." He says as she's impatiently waiting for the elevator. "fuck. I miss you."
"Too bad." She enters the lift.
He follows her.
"Do not come in here. Don't follow me in here!"
"I have to talk to you," he says particularly menacingly.
"What?! What do you have to say?!"
He's looming over her, holding on to her shoulders and pulling her toward him. "I made a mistake" he says as his mouth lunges over hers. She resists, barely:
"fuck you!" She scrambles to push him away.
He holds on to her, tighter, "I love you." And kisses her again.
She is moved ever so much more, but fights him off one last time.
"fuck you."
He finally traps her against the wall and she let's him this time. They kiss and she kisses back.
Narrator Carrie explains, "My mind was yelling how angry I was. But my heart."
"fuck me" Carrie Carrie whispers to him.
They wake up in the next scene naked and Carrie is smoking again.
She's back to her old habits.
Ah well.
Till next time! I'm really going to try to get back to a once-a-week type thing now that my schedule is back to normal.
<3
