Season 4 Premiere The Agony and the 'Ex'-tacy

You know, this show was always good at premieres and transitions.  They were always good at reminding people things that happened without hitting them over the head with information.

In the first sequence of this episode, for example, we get a very clear idea of who the main cast of the show is without any conversation. Carrie likes to show lots of cleavage and has great curly hair, Charlotte is Park Avenue with a good supply of lip gloss, Sam has a Costco-supply of condoms in her apartment, and Miranda has an old palm-pilot.  Course, when this aired I'm sure it was state of the art.

They are walking together to the beat of the music that was playing during the whole sequence when they realize their pace is just a little too quick and eager for where they are going, right around the time the music stops.

Charlotte is of course excited to go to someone's engagement party, while Miranda and the other two decry the wordage on the invitation.  "Two Souls, One thought"

"Two souls, one pushy fiance" Miranda scoffs.

Then they all reveal a time when each of them in turn had sex with the groom-to-be.  Well, Miranda only showed him a boob once.

And it didn't pay off!  When Carrie and Miranda are introduced by groom-to-be, he calls Miranda Charlotte.  whoops.

"Maybe you should have shown him both boobs." Carrie whispers to her.

Charlotte meanwhile is running on and on about her and Trey's complicated relationship.  She was asked "are you here alone?" and she is still talking details about her and Trey.  She just goes on and on.  When she stops, finally, the lady she's talking to just nods, turns to leave, and advises her friend not to talk to Charlotte.

She's more than a little embarrassed.  She decides the best course of action is to confront Trey and get their relationship sorted.  While at his place, she's trying to get a word in edge-wise while he is getting hot and bothered and kissing her as much as he can.  And then he comes on her leg.  She says, "This isn't working.  Whatever THIS is, it isn't working." And he offers to pay her dry-cleaning as she escapes his apartment.  Well, at least he is willing to do the right thing.

Meanwhile, back at the party, Carrie and Miranda are chatting with some of the women there.  The duo were also asked whether they were here alone, but they seem to handle it a little better than Charlotte.  Miranda starts some kind of a comedy act, choosing humor as armor, which seems to work well.  While chatting with Carrie on the way home, Miranda explains that no one wants to hear it, and she might as well lean in and make people laugh.  Go on the offensive.  She pretends that she's the only one who's thought of this though, which is annoying.  But it is just like her.

Carrie sloughs off any judgement, choosing instead to judge Miranda for her insecurity at being single.  She then reasserts the talking points from the season one episode about singles vs. marrieds.  I guess they forgot we already talked about this.

blah blah, marrieds wish they were singles, blah blah.  Miranda asserts that Marrieds absolutely do not wish they were single, Single people make Marrieds uncomfortable.  again, blah blah blah.  Can't we all get along??

Then, like so often happens when someone is happy-ish with her situation, Carrie is humiliated.  Next day in the mail, she receives a dating service application.  ah, life before the internet.

Rather than toss it in the bin and forget about it, she brings it along to brunch and they foursome talk about it.

Miranda reads from the application, "Don't let your soulmate slip away." and is annoyed on Carrie's behalf.

"Oh I know, it's almost a threat." Carrie explains, "It's like 'we have him, he's just waiting for you, but hurry cause he's slipping, slipping away.  oops there he goes.'"

Miranda is the realist here who doesn't believe in soulmates.  Charlotte thinks there's one perfect person for everyone.  she thought that Trey was hers, "But I don't think that a soulmate would... on your leg."

Miranda gets a bit heated about the subject, she's adamant that this type of wording is dangerous. She is my spirit animal, here.  It is one of my favorite past times-- ripping apart social norms and asking why?  I'm super fun at parties.

Sam says that she believes in soulmates, since she's had hundreds.

And Charlotte explains that that's not how it works.  Everyone humors her, of course, cause honestly how would she know how it works?  Her estranged husband just came on her leg.

For some reason, they decide to fill out the application for Carrie, but it is really just a guise for the show to tell that Carrie's 35th birthday is coming up next week.

The age boxes on the form annoy me.  It's split up into age groups of 5 years until it hits 34 and then it's grouped into 10 years.

Sam says, playfully, "Welcome to my box." and it's cute.

---

Carrie writes about soulmates in her little laptop.  It is actually a really touching scene.  Carrie is alone.  She's Alone alone. And she has to deal with the idea that she might not end up with someone, that maybe she doesn't have a soulmate.  She's forced to define her Single life using words that happy couples use, and it really is damaging.  To her self-esteem and to truly happy Singles.

As Writer Carrie asks, "As you move from age box to age box and the contestants get fewer and fewer, are your chances of finding your soulmate less and less?"

It is so fucking stupid, soulmates. How many people exist on Earth?  Assuming you are conveniently meant to end up with someone who even speaks your language. ONLY ONE person is perfect for ONE person?  Shoot me now, I think I'll settle for someone who makes me happy.

And if that is the case, if that is really what we all are doing here on this planet, just finding someone to settle with, then we can stop with the goddamn flowery language and be honest.

We all just want someone whom we can put our cold feet on in the middle of winter.
--

Sorry, let's get back to Carrie and Sam.  They're walking down the street chatting about Carrie's birthday, and how she doesn't want to celebrate it.  Sam insists that she set up a dinner at the very least.  She suggests Carrie invite Big, and Carrie's like.. meh.  I think she's had a flashback to the last time she regretfully invited Big to her birthday party in Season 2.

Carrie and Sam are walking by some kind of Parish with men in cloaks.  If this were Buffy the Vampire Slayer, it would be some kind of a demon-worshiping cult.  Unfortunately it's just a boring old church, and the guy is a celibate priest who has devoted his life to collecting food for poor people and not having sex.

 Sam is immediately taken in by the beautiful priest.  Carrie reminds her he's off limits, but that doesn't stop Sam from thinking about him.

In a scene reminiscent of season 2, Sam is masturbating to the hot priest-man with choir music in the background, when she comes she lets out a musical note that matches the music.  It's funny!
--

At their next dinner together, Sam brags to the other three about masturbating all afternoon.  Miranda is seriously impressed since she doesn't think she has the time for that.

"I like to get in and get out."

"Well, I enjoy a quicky every now and then, too, but when it's good like today I go with it."

Sam then tells everyone that she was thinking about her priest-- friar fuck (great name) and Charlotte has a mini stroke (heh) at the thought of Sam desecrating religion.

Sam is adamant that she is allowed to masturbate to whomever she likes and that it is imagination and perfectly healthy.  Then she asks the important question.  Who does everyone flick the bean to?

Carrie and Miranda are boring and say "Russell Crowe"

Then Miranda bares all here and admits she used to masturbate to a busboy who was rude to her once.

Anyone else have a weird, embarrassing masturbation fantasy?

Anyone?

but no one does.

Sam won't budge from the conversation until Char tells everyone who she fantasizes about.  Charlotte doesn't want to.  Finally she admits that the only man who she thinks about is Trey and then everyone is sad.

Rather than leave the priest in the spank bank where he belongs, she decides to see him in meatspace again.  She brings him canned food and tries to come on to him.  He doesn't budge and reaffirms his chastity and blah blah blah.

Sam admits that perhaps he is her soulmate since he is so unattainable.
--

Carrie is sitting in bed the night before her birthday.  She watches as the clock turns over to midnight and calls Big.  He's not home (or not up at midnight, wtf Carrie?) so she leaves an awkward message about her birthday.  She invites him to the special dinner and halfway through the message she remembers that he's supposed to be in London and ends with a "Cheerio old Chap" and it's awkward. And when she hangs up the clock changes to 12:01 and suddenly she's not the only one who feels old.

--

Remember Miranda's stand up routine from earlier in the episode?  good.

She's walking down the street alone, and is met by a friend who she hasn't seen in awhile.  The woman asks if Miranda is seeing anyone, and Miranda doesn't feel like putting on armor, so she's honest.  She says the truth, "Maybe there isn't someone out there for everyone."

She realizes how bleak that was, and asks the woman about her husband.  The woman goes on her own comedy routine about how they're going to be child-free and they're totally Ok with it, really.  Miranda realizes that maybe she's not the only person who wears humor like armor, and that everyone has sticky subjects that make them feel the need to put on a front.

It is sort of funny, cause you would think Miranda's friend would be upfront with Miranda-- Miranda doesn't have kids and just admitted to being painfully single, I think she'd understand more than anyone the need for nice furniture and a full night of sleep. You know, without the guise of humor.

But alas, humans be humaning.
 
--

And we're at Carrie's birthday party. At the restaurant, Carrie has arrived a bit late.  And she's the first one to arrive.  She orders a Shirley Temple, warns they're going to eventually be ordering lots of drinks eventually, and eagerly watches the entrance for her friends.

Someone starts to sing Happy Birthday, and she looks down bashful but happy, looks up and doesn't recognize the people singing.  They're going to another table, where some young stupid is complaining that 25 is old.

Stupid young stupid.  Can't they see this old woman is alone waiting for her 35th birthday party to start?

but, I jest.

It's starting to get sad.  The sommelier keeps coming around to see if anyone else has arrived for drinks, but no one has come.

An hour later, Carrie is still alone.  The Maitre d' has come around to tell her that someone is here with the cake and wants to be paid.  She is clearly miffed that the table has been held for so long and no one has ordered any food.

Carrie is thoroughly embarrassed.  Absolutely wrecked.  She pays 70 dollars for her cake and walks home.

Well, the source of everyone's delay is clear on her walk.  They are paving a major street.  She's so distracted by her gloom that she starts walking on the wet pavement.  The workers yell at her to get off the road.  She starts to go back, they yell at her to go the other way and in the confusion, She drops the cake!  D:

She ends up picking up the cake, yelling SORRY and crossing the way she originally was crossing.

Once home, she presses play on her machine and starts up the shower. Everyone has some excuse or another, Stanford actually went to the wrong restaurant.  Miranda shouts at her through the machine to "GET A CELL PHONE."

While the machine is still shouting at her, Charlotte unlocks the door and comes in.  It scares the bejesus out of Carrie, who's barely gotten her suds on.

"I just aged 35 more years." She tells Char as she wraps a towel around herself.

Charlotte explains that they're meeting up at coffee shop for a quick meal.  Carrie is not in the mood, she's been through enough tonight.  I concur  Give her a break.

And pay her back for her wrecked birthday cake.

It's just going to be the foursome, so Carrie agrees to go.

She reveals to her friends how absolutely mortifying it was waiting in that restaurant all that time.  And that she's alone, truly alone and she wishes she had someone-- anyone-- who would be there for her.  She doesn't have a goddamn soul mate and it's making her feel almost worse than just being stood up for her birthday.

It's bringing tears to everyone's eyes.

Finally Charlotte says something smart.  finally.

"Don't laugh at me but, maybe they could be each other's soulmates." she begins.  "And then let men just be these great nice guys to have fun with."

Sam concurs that it sounds like a great idea.  In their situations, it definitely sounds reasonable.

While Carrie is walking home, she sees Big's familiar limo parked outside her apartment.

She knocks on the car's window, and several red balloons pop out through the slowly opening window.

If you're a fan of It, this might freak you out a bit.  ><

 It is Big, and he's brought a bouquet of balloons. It's sweet.  And for once, they're sweet.

They talk about their respective ages, they share a cup of champagne out of paper cups.  You can almost pretend he's not a withholding creep.  Maybe he can think about someone besides himself.  Maybe.

Carrie asks what Big thinks about soulmates.  Big says, "I like the word soul, and I like the word mate, other than that, you got me."  And isn't that the most infuriating answer?

Big asks if she had a nice day and for some reason she's had another stroke, or pill or something and says she had a fabulous day.  Like, no you fucking did not.

In the last scene, she's walking up the stairs to her apartment with the balloons.  Narrator Carrie explains that with three soulmates already nailed down, it makes it a lot easier to spot the really nice guys to have fun with.

He's not a nice guy though, Carrie.  Don't make me say I told you so.

So, that was a fun start to the next season!  I'll be taking a bit of a break here, but I'll be back into it first week in January!  Happy Merry and Good New Year folks!

<3

Season 3 Finale: Cock a Doodle do!

Hey there!

This episode is pretty ugly, tbh. I'm pretty sure there's some transphobic language in it to boot, although I am not trans and I don't really know if it is as offensive as the earlier bi-phobic episode was to me.  I'm just leaving this here as a warning.

It is likely just a serious case of ignorance, just like the bi episode.

Also, a warning, I get a little ranty about men in the middle of this recap.

So, I warned you all at the end of last episode that Carrie has taken some sort of drug and gone all stupid.

She begins the episode by being woken up to the sounds of roosters crowing outside her window.  Ah, hell no.  That would not fly with me.  She is tortured, and everyone else seems to have lost some brain cells too, because when she goes to complain about the goddamn chickens, everyone corrects her by saying "roosters."  Obviously, if a chicken is crowing it's a rooster.

fucking morons.

roosters ARE chickens.

She finds out they are on the roof of a veterinary office, and the receptionist explains that they were moved there after being rescued from a cock fight in the Bronx.  She suddenly feels extremely bad for the chickens and thinks they must need air, so she changes her mind about asking them to move them. And lives to regret that decision.

The woman she talks to even *says* that they live a happy life and would be fine in the basement, but whatever, let's move on before I have an aneurysm talking about Carrie and her issues.

--

Sam is presently being tortured by a different cock.  ha, see what I did there?

It's 4 am and there are some very loud people laughing and conversing down on the street.  They are obviously men in drag.  And here's where the show goes off the rails and I don't know how to talk about it without stepping on toes.  Cause, honestly, it is 2017 and I don't think *anyone* knows the right way to talk about this stuff without offending someone.

Look at what the 'Nerds with Vaginas' facebook admins have to put up with.  They are literally the nerds in question, and they have :gasp: VAGINAS! and there are a lot of people out there who claim they are trans-phobic.  As if vaginas are inherently offensive for some reason.

Now, I know vaginas ARE offensive to some people.

But those people are cunts.

See, these men in drag are "ladies of the night," as it were.  Although, I'm not sure if they are drag queens or transgender. It doesn't really matter. She wrongly refers to them as transsexuals, which is a dated term and I don't think they like being called that anymore. Anyway, the point is, they are LOUD and keeping her up.  And you know how Sam gets without her sleep.

Well, she gets along OK, but she doesn't like it.  Well, sometimes she likes it, but as she says, 'there are certain dark circles even the cleverest make-up tricks can't cover.'

OK, so being a PR professional, she decides to face the situation head-on (apply directly to the forehead) and have a conversation with them.  She asks them to move and has the worst fake-smile voice I ever heard.

But it seems to have worked, for a few nights anyway.

While Sam is busy with random date, they are out there again, carrying on and making a huge scene.  Since calling the cops wasn't an immediate resolution, she yells down at them from the window to shut the fuck up.  And then she fills a pot with water and pours it down on the three-some.

One of them gets it right in their face!  It is terrible!  They are absolutely livid!  They leave, but soon return with eggs.

Sam hears the eggs splattering against her window.

Now, this is New York City.  Having an egg decked window should mean absolutely nothing to her, I mean, I guess at some point she can pay someone to clean the outside of her window for her (cause you know she's not about to do it herself) but she *opens the window* while the offender is pelting eggs toward her.  and she gets it.

Right in her face.

She must be -embarrassed- now.

See what I did there?

I made a yolk!

:D

I'll just leave here and move on to Miranda, cause timeline wise, I'm way ahead of myself.

--

Miranda is bothered by the Chinese take-out lady.  She's called the restaurant, told them her address and started her order when the lady interrupts and finishes her order for her.  Then the woman says "I know. Every night the same!" And then she starts laughing.

Miranda thinks the Chinese take-out lady is being incredibly judgemental.  And she feels pathetic.

When I saw this for the first time I immediately thought she was being overly dramatic about the whole thing. She didn't say it in a judgemental way, she said it in a sandwich way, uh, I mean a young ESL person enjoying her job way.

For people who are regulars anywhere, isn't it *fun* when the people taking your order remember you and finish it for you?

That happened to me last week, in fact, and it made my evening.

But whatever, sure, Miranda.  The woman is a bitch.


She complains to Carrie while they walk down the road next day.  She assesses that she's being sensitive because she feels in a rut. a -food- rut.  She says "The only thing that could make it sadder is if I had a Cathy comic taped to my refrigerator."

Every time anyone mentions Cathy Comic (and it happens one more time in this show's run, if you can believe it) I think immediately of this gif:

Ah, 30 Rock! Best.

There, over there! is Aiden and Steve, enjoying beers outside some restaurant.  That'll clear your rut for you!  Give you something fun to talk about, anyway.

What are they doing there, and since when did they become friends?  This cannot be!

It's impossible!

While Miranda is petting the now full-grown dog, Scout, Carrie notices an extra two beers on the table.  She is legitimately surprised when two women show up from inside the restaurant. They are Jessica and Susan and they are quite comfortable with the two men.

I don't know why she's surprised, did she really think they had a drinking problem?  What other explanation could there be?

It's a bit awkward.  Miranda and Carrie end up leaving going opposite directions for a beat, before one realizes they're supposed to be going in the same direction.

oop.

While unpacking Charlotte's apartment later on, they reassess the situation.

"Well, they're over us," Carrie begins as she moves a stack of books from a box to the mantle, "we thought they were sitting there pining away, and they have new girlfriends already."

"Were they cute?" Sam asks.

"The point is not if they were cute, the point is they were there." Carrie answers.

"They were cute." Miranda answers too.

"Very cute." Carrie adds.

Miranda pines, herself, "How can they have new relationships already?  I'm still in the 'I just broke up with someone' phase?!"

Uh, Miranda? We went over this when he was moving out and *already* getting calls from strange women, oh about 10 episodes ago.

Charlotte is carrying two very phallic-shaped candle-holders and complaining about men in general, compared to women.  It is astute: "It's infuriating. Women sit around obsessing about what went wrong over and over and men just say 'alrighty' and move on!"

 Sam is offended since she moves on right away after her relationships (she means dates).

Carrie is deluded about the sheer amount of obsessing she does and they rib her for it.

"Oh my god! You're Miss Obsess. Big?" Miranda begins.

"You look back so much you should have a relationship rear-view mirror." Sam piles on.

"Relationships may appear closer then they actually are." Miranda wins joke of the week!

They move on a little bit to talk about how much easier it is for men to move on.  I find this troubling and true.  I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but around the time I started doing this, I stumbled upon a very VERY good and tough read about emotional labor.

Here it is

It is long, and best taken in chunks.  And if you're unfamiliar with the concept, you absolutely will recognize it in your own life within a few pages.

Anyway.  It is exactly what these women are talking about-- about how they've taken on a lot of extra work to be in these relationships, and men can more easily disentangle themselves from the responsibility.

It's about how the "Jessicas and Susans" of the world are plentiful, will pick up the slack and men just get away with not doing enough.  It encompasses every. single. damn. part. of. our. lives. From work, to kids, to social engagements and appointments, to emotions themselves, to sex. Every. damn. thing.

But that isn't a fun thing to talk about, so let's go back to Charlotte's living room.

Carrie says that she probably only obsesses about relationships that feel unfinished, and Charlotte is bitter and says that there's no way Trey is sitting around with his friends obsessing about what went wrong.

Sam helpfully says, "That's because men never think anything is their fault."

Charlotte takes the next logical step: "I wish there were no men."

Sam thinks she's gone insane, but Charlotte persists, "If there were no men, then we wouldn't feel hurt, and we wouldn't be disappointed, and we wouldn't be spending our entire night sitting here obsessing about them. I'm so over men."

They look at her like she's nuts, but I'm over here nodding.

In her little laptop, Carrie is COMPLETELY missing the point.

She is trying to frame it as 'fault'-- that maybe it's not *his* fault, but hers.  You know, the breakdown of the relationship, maybe it isn't the men, but the women.

And I'm over here clutching my keyboard with white knuckles.

Let's break down a few recent relationships of theirs.

Charlotte.  That relationship was built on a pile of flaccid no-good penii. Trey wasn't meeting her needs. AT ALL. He was never there for her and I know you know what I mean. He did ZERO work in their marriage counseling, and Char had to walk on egg-shells protecting his feelings about his penis problems.  Note: in the future when they get back together and try for a baby he does NOTHING to protect her feelings about not being able to have one.

Miranda. At the end of their relationship, Steve was more like a child than anything. He sapped everything from her and only gave her grief.  Yes, he picked her up from lasik at the beginning of their run, and he's generally a sweet guy, but sometimes that's not enough.

With Aiden, Carrie was the typical guy.  She demanded Aiden do SO much for her, and offered nothing in return. Nothing but a big old Fuck You as she fucked her ex. Her withholding ex who took more from her then she ever gave.

I'm tired of trying to be fair to men. Being fair in this case always feels like giving a lot of slack, way more than most of society offers women for doing the same things.

WHEW.

Sorry.  I needed to get that out.

 --

Speaking of Carrie's withholding Ex.  He's called her while she's sleeping.  But don't worry, it's very late in the morning and she's catching up cause of the chickens crowing outside her window.

and yes, Big corrects her too.

He talks about how he's repainting his beige apartment.

Well, one room.

Well, technically one wall.

And further, he's not painting, he's having it painted.

That would literally take him an hour or two.  With taping.

But I digress.

It's bright red.  Like, the worst red for a bedroom.

The top half of my own bedroom is red, but it is matte, and it is deep blood red, and it is classy.  This is not classy.

He thinks so too. He also invites her to lunch.

She tells Miranda later on that she's accepted and Miranda shuts down, as you do when someone you love is making a mistake and you've had enough.

Carrie is completely offended by the freeze, and they have a small shouting match in the middle of a thrift boutique.

"you know what? I'm not holding your hand through this again." Miranda lays down.

"I'm not asking you to hold my anything." Carrie holds back tears.

"It's a huge mistake." Miranda is almost half laughing here cause she just can't fucking believe this.

"It's not a huge mistake. It's lunch." Carrie insists.

"Wake up Carrie! How many more times are you gonna go through this? He is bad for you!" She continues, "Jesus! Every time you get near him you turn into this pathetic, needy, insecure victim. And the thing that pisses me off the most is you're more than willing to go right back for more."

Carrie is upset.

They continue to argue, and Miranda insists she doesn't want to know anything about it if Carrie decides to be an idiot again.  Carrie administers a low blow herself, calling Miranda out on her judgemental attitude.  She thinks that Miranda cut Steve out of her life for being imperfect.

I don't even know what she's going on about. None of them are good at being friends with an Ex.  We already had this conversation at the end of the last season.

Miranda is right.

She's maybe a little meaner than I would be, but she's right here.

And Carrie is upset at being called pathetic and needy, but she IS that way around Big and she knows it.

Carrie goes home to cool off.  She expects an apology message on her machine from Miranda but doesn't have one.  Why does she always expect to be apologized to first?

Miranda, meanwhile, has her own judgemental person to be worried about. She's calling the Chinese food place again for take-out.  It's the same woman on the line, and Right after she's finished her address, before she can say her order the lady tells her her order.  What great customer service!

No, Miranda doesn't see it that way.  She tells her never mind and hangs up.  The lady is laughing and doesn't care. Miranda decides to give her a piece of her mind, so she walks down to the restaurant.  She is motioned to wait as Chinese take-out lady answers the phone.  There's a misunderstanding on the phone and the lady starts giggling.

Oh. It turns out she's just a laughy, funny, woman with a vociferous giggle.

It wasn't about her after all. Who knew?

 She was just about to leave, when she spots Steve, sans girlfriend, sipping some soup.  She remembers that it isn't the food that brings her back, but him.  It was their place. d'aww.

She comes over.  "Hey, twice in one week, am I lucky or what?" Steve asks all friendly and nice. Steve is one of my favorite of the boyfriends, although it's a toss up between him and Charlotte's second husband Harry. I love him too.

After they realize they're both there alone, Steve insists she sit down with him.


He asks how she is doing, and Miranda talks about her and Carrie's big fight. She asks Steve if she threw him away.  He says that Carrie must have been really pissed off, and Miranda points out that she said some not-so-nice things to her, too. Steve says that what happened between him and Miranda is between him and Miranda.  No one can really know what happened there.

It's sort of nice, and I'm glad that they can be friends.

When the waitress comes up to ask for her order, she decides that now is the time to try a new dish.  It is sort of funny, the waitress is all annoyed. Her eye roll says,  'Yes, yes.  Choose NOW to look at the menu, rather than, you know, when I wasn't standing here waiting for it.'

--

In Charlotte's apartment, she's reading about Buddhism and trying not to think about how horrible men are.

 Just then there's a knock on the door and it's Trey.

"What are you doing here? it's 4 am."


"Ever since you left I can't stop thinking about you." And then he starts kissing her.

"Honey, we're separated."

"I know."  He continues to kiss her and she is way into it.

And finally, FINALLY they have *good* sex.  On the floor of her apartment.  After that, they have a conversation about what went wrong.
 
Trey says that he first lost "it" when they got engaged, and Charlotte assumes that it means that he didn't want to marry *her.* He insists that he just didn't want to get married at all, that he felt pressured by society and its expectations for men of a certain age.

This resonates with Charlotte who was pressured by the same thing, being a man of a certain age and all.  :p

--

In Carrie's apartment at the same time, Carrie is woken for the Nth time by the goddamn chickens on the roof.  She calls and leaves a message right then and there to the vet to have them move them.

--
Miranda gets a call at work.  It's Carrie.  She is calling to apologize for their fight. Miranda willingly accepts and returns the apology.  Carrie asks if Miranda would feel she was pathetic if she knew she was at the restaurant hiding from Big.

Why, gosh, no.  Of course she wouldn't.

I DO.

But anyway, we know how I feel.

Miranda rescinds her threat of cutting Carrie out of her life if she dives into Big again. So Carrie is unfettered by guilt and comes out of the bushes to see Big.

They are at some dock-side restaurant, and they are standing near a duck pond.

He tells her how nice it is to see her, and as she's looking around distracted, he goes in for a cheek-kiss, she notices him and darts out of the way a little too eagerly and they both tumble into the pond!

Cue shrill screams and cries "oh my hair!"  It's kind of hilarious.  Then they are both laughing at the hilarity of it all. She has dropped her Dior purse too, and he dives down to get it.

It reminds me of this whole scene.

Next scene they are in bathrobes in his apartment.  But don't worry, they've just had showers.

"I no longer smell of pond." she says as she sits down on his bed.  The red wall is in the background and she says the only thing she can say about it, "That is one red wall!"

Big asks Carrie if their relationship implosion was all his fault.

Say it with me!

YES.

YES IT WAS.

Carrie is a little more delicate than that and says no.

Big lays it out, "Man, we really screwed that up.  What were we thinking?"

"I have no idea."  Carrie looks really good here by the way.  Her hair is stunning.

He leans back a bit, asks "How you doin' kid?"

"Pretty good. You?"

"Aside from the fact that it feels like I've been through a war?" Big has absolutely NO idea what he's in for in about 16 years.

"We're like war buddies." Carrie jokes. "War buddies in Calvin Klein robes."

"I hate to admit this," Big admits, "But I kinda like living alone again."  Carrie laughs out loud at this.  Cause of course he does.

"I should go." Good girl, Carrie.

"Don't you wanna stay awhile?" He's not being suggestive per-say, but there's definitely an implication.

"I can't." She insists.

"Why?"

 "Because, sweet friend, you and I are like that red wall. It's a good idea in theory, but somehow doesn't quite work."

PSSSST.  It's the SHADE of red.  And the blinding shade of white covering the other three walls.  geez.  It's not like Rocket Surgery.

And yes, I know I'm being obtuse. But in not too many episodes, Carrie will forget everything she just said and pretend like she's grown and learned from her and Big and I don't think she has.

When she gets home from that whole ordeal, she looks out the window and notices the chickens are gone.  She actually wonders where they went.

YOU CALLED TO HAVE THEM TAKEN DOWN TO THE BASEMENT.

And the final scene is a roof party with the drag queens.  I don't know how Sam made up with them, but she did and they are all there.  It is hella cheesy and I always, always skip the scene and move on to the next season.

So, I hope you enjoyed season 3! I'll try to get in a  recap next week, but after that you'll have to wait until January!

I hope you all have a Happy Merry and Good New Year!

<3

Season 3 Episode 17 What Goes Around Comes Around

This episode proves exactly how selfish and awful Carrie is.  I know, I've said this before and I'm sure I'll say it again.

It is about karma and cosmic retribution.

I don't need to go into detail about how I feel about this. Essentially, can't we all just be good for *goodness* sake?  And sometimes bad shit happens.  :shrugs:

This episode starts out with Charlotte at her mother-in-law's estate. The menfolk are playing tennis while the women are sitting around waiting to play.

"She's wearing pastels, it's Whites only."

Charlotte is the she in question.  Oh, you hyper-rich folk and your ridiculous rules.

Charlotte takes the hint and goes to change out of her so-close-to-white-it-tricked-even-me pastel clothes.  Narrator Carrie explains that after a few failed attempts with the sex, Trey had given up on their sex life.  Charlotte is expected to be OK with this. On the way back to the house, she sees a sweaty, muscled gardener tending to a beautiful  copse of red roses.

"beautiful... roses"  Yeah, sure Char.  You were complimenting his *roses.*

Charlotte talks to the foursome about his *roses* at lunch in the next scene.  But there, coming from the other side of the restaurant is Natasha!  One look at Carrie, and she fumes and leaves the restaurant.

Carrie makes it all about her.

No really.  "I can't believe there's a person in New York that could hate me that much!"

Uh, Carrie?  You slept with her husband.  She has a right to be angry at you.

Sam tells her that someone told her that Natasha and Big were done-zo. 

On the way home, or shopping or whatever, Carrie ends up sort of lost and someone mugs her!

They even steal her -shoes!-

She runs barefoot into the nearest business, a barbershop, and announces that she's been robbed and no one moves or seems to care.

"I've been robbed?"

Miranda shows up after a beat with spare shoes.  They aren't cute.  Rather than just say "thank you," she says she can't wear them.

I would eyeroll, but adding insult to injury at this point is just mean.

Miranda meanwhile, is being flirted at by the very cute and very sexy officer on the scene. She is kind of amazed, since she doesn't think she's cute or flirt-able.  He asks her out, and she's flummoxed.

On the night of the big date, she has trouble even getting dressed, since nothing in her closet goes with 'hunk.'  She chats on the phone with Carrie about it while her date is waiting in her living room.  Carrie postulates that it might just be Karma, or the universes way of throwing her a bone(r).

You get it gurl!

(yeah, I didn't think I could pull that line off either)

---

Samantha's storyline is odd.  She keeps getting phone calls from friends of someone named "Sam Jones" and apparently he's some guy throwing a party somewhere.  She wants to go to the party, and she also wants to tell Sam Jones to stop his friends from calling her.

How exactly are they getting Samantha's number, btw?  Doesn't he give his friends his phone number?  I'm so confused about this.  Did all these people really go looking for their friend's phone number in the white pages?

*and the really important question, do they even print the white pages anymore?

She ends up going with Carrie down to where the "fabulous" party is and finds out that its in a dorm.  oop.  She decides to confront young Sam Jones about all the phone calls.  He, for some reason, drunkenly tells her that he's a virgin and, for some reason, Samantha decides it's the universes way of telling her that she should take Sam Jones' virginity.

It's very odd.

He ends up absolutely obsessed with her.  Calling her constantly, and saying that he's in love with her.  At the end of her story, he comes to her apartment, and bashes his fist against her door over and over and over again shouting "I love you Sam Jones!"

It's scary, tbh.

While Carrie and Sam are leaving that hot party a few scenes ago, Carrie ends up getting pushed while on the stairs and falling and bleeding a bit.  She remembers that a similar thing happened to Natasha and decides it's the universes way of telling her that she needs to have a conversation explaining herself to Natasha.

---

Charlotte meanwhile is absolutely plagued by sex dreams of the sexy gardener.  She's thrown all caution to the wind and is currently banging *her own head* against the headboard.

Well, if Trey's not going to take you there, you might as well take you there yourself.

Unfortunately, Trey wakes her up thinking that she's having a nightmare.

waaah waaah

While back at Bunny's estate--

pictured: Bunny

Charlotte casually, most definitely not on purpose, finds her way in the path of the gardener.  She flirts with him pretty heavily, you know, for her, and he flirts right back.  He gives her one of his beautiful roses and then leans in and they kiss.  hot.

But unfortunately, her sister-in-law happened to be walking around the estate and sees her in the act.

oop.

She reveals what she's seen to the entire group that evening over cocktails.

"You're a McDougal now!" Bunny says as she puts the wrong end of her cigarette in her mouth.  It is so funny and cute of her.  I'm pretty sure that's the last time I have anything remotely funny and positive to say about Bunny for the rest of her tenure.

Trey looks so hurt.

She catches him late late that night playing tennis on his own in his underwear.  He is processing it the only way he knows how, that is, playing tennis late at night in his underwear.

He doesn't want to have to look the other way, and she doesn't want to have urges to kiss the gardener.

Honey, I am not sure that anything Trey does could keep any of us from having impure thoughts about the gardener.  That's just wack.

(Yeah, I didn't think I could pull that line off either)

Charlotte insists that she doesn't want a man who'll just look the other way, that she thinks they ought to separate when they get back to the city.

He just says "alrighty"

--
Miranda ends up going on another date with the sexy officer.  She realizes halfway through the date that everyone in the restaurant is looking at him like he's for dinner.  She fantasizes that everyone is also looking at *her* like she doesn't deserve to be with such a hot stud.

To cope, she ends up drinking at least two double vodka martinis, fucking him aggressively back at her place, and waking up with a hangover.

He has left in the middle of the night, but has also left her a note with a number her the local Alcoholics Anonymous chapter.

Poor Miranda.
--

Despite doing everything she could to avoid Carrie, Natasha finds her lunch date interrupted by Carrie. She's absolutely, rightfully, livid.

"I have to talk to you." Carrie says

"I'm going to scream." Natasha announces.

"Oh don't, I'm only going to stay a minute" Carrie says.  Then she takes a very long awkward gulp of water from Natasha's guest's water glass.  OK, to be fair he hadn't shown up yet, but still.  wth, Carrie?

"I heard about your marriage," Carrie begins, "And it's just so terrible. I never, never meant for any of this to happen and if there was something I could do to take it all away, I would. But I can't. So I came here today because I needed to say how sorry I am. I am deeply sorry for what I did to you. It was wrong and I'm sorry."

Natasha asks, "are you through?"

"yes. thank you for listening." then Carrie gets up to go

"Wait. I'm sorry too." Natasha is shooting daggers.

"you are?" Carrie asks

"Yes, I'm sorry about it all.  I'm sorry he moved to Paris and fell in love with me. I'm sorry that we ever got married. I'm sorry he cheated on me with you, and I'm sorry that I pretended to ignore it for as long as I did. I'm sorry I found you in my apartment, fell down the stairs and broke my tooth. I'm very sorry that after much painful dental surgery, this tooth is still a different color than this tooth. Finally I'm sorry that you felt the need to come down here. Now not only have you ruined my marriage, you've ruined my lunch. I guess that's just what I had to say."

savage.

After another awkward pause, her date shows up.  She kisses him on the cheek as Carrie is walking away.

Narrator Carrie then goes on to talk about "the karmic chain of events that put Natasha back on the single's market. As if single women in New York didn't have it hard enough."

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?

Like, sure, she sounded real remorseful when talking to Natasha about how sorry she is, but what the fuck does Natasha being single have to do with anything?  Carrie feels bad because Natasha is *single*?

"...and somewhere out there Big was alone again. the Universe may not always play fair but at least it's got a hellavu sense of humor."

What the hell is she going on about?

 I don't have enough eyeball to roll it as much as I want to.

And to recap the recap, Carrie is selfish because she didn't go to Natasha to apologize for Natasha, she went to apologize for *herself.* She doesn't feel bad about what she did because it was wrong, but because she's afraid of karma kicking her ass again.

selfish twit.

In the next episode, Carrie decides she wants the roosters crowing on the roof of the vet's office near her apartment to stay there. Then changes her mind, calls the vet to ask them to move the animals and then wonders what happened to the roosters.

no really.

It is so fucking stupid.  I can't wait!

Season 3 Episode 16 Frenemies

This episode feels like we're back to normal Sex and the City. No one's pretending they're 13, and Carrie finally gets shamed for calling herself a relationship guru.

If I were to name this episode ala Friends, I would call it "The one with all the Assholes."

It begins with Miranda waiting patiently for her blind date to show up.  This is the scene where she calls Carrie to complain that she hasn't been stood up since she's 27 and I won't go into that whole grammar black hole again.

((but seriously, does anyone say since "I am age?" when they aren't that age anymore?))

She's really upset though. He is clearly a no-show. She got all dressed up in a really pretty, flattering, orange and gray dress.  She is about to give in and have dinner out of the freezer when she asks Carrie out.  Carrie can't go out because she chose Friday night to get in her 3 hour work week.  How is she always on deadline?  She writes one article a week. To be fair, she's preparing for her lecture that she's teaching in the morning.  Maybe she should have spent more time on it. More on that in a bit.

So, Miranda, bolstered by her pretty dress and being a mature 30-something, decides to call up her date and give him a piece of her mind.  He doesn't answer.  His mother does.  She's about to rail into her when mother interrupts to say that her son died today.

So, I think he's excused from the blind date.  And for some reason she agrees to go to his wake.

---

Charlotte and Trey are meanwhile learning to have sex on each other.  It is rather unsuccessful, and Charlotte is getting very frustrated.

At breakfast the next day with the foursome, they have a great exchange.  Sam has invited the foursome to go to some great new club, Samba, next weekend.

Sam: "I could only get us a four-top.  do you think Trey would mind staying home?"

Charlotte: "No. He doesn't seem up for much these days."

Carrie: "Charlotte, is everything OK?"

Charlotte: "We've been trying, you know, to--" :gesticulates with hands:

Sam: "Fuck?"

Charlotte: "Whatever. And it's just not--" :embarrassed facial expression:

Sam: "Getting big and hard?"

Carrie: "What is this, dirty Mad Libs?"

Then Charlotte shamefully admits that she almost masturbated, but she didn't, cause she's so fucking repressed.

Sam jokes, "Hey, You almost masturbated, Trey almost got it up, together you almost had sex!"

Then they have a small, serious conversation about how masturbation is normal and she shouldn't feel ashamed.

Charlotte even points out the ridiculous double standard she's holding herself to, that he can read porn and masturbate all he wants, but she is ashamed to.

 

Then Sam wisely points out that Trey has a classic Madonna/Whore complex about his wife.  He doesn't see her as a sexual plaything but as a virginal wife, and it is so unhealthy I just want to scream.  I admire Sam's delicate touch.

--

That night, Carrie is teaching a seminar on how to meet men.

OK, not fair I know.  This is *just* before that becomes a thing.

She gets completely caught off guard when the women in the audience ask for -specifics- in how to meet men.  How very dare they! Because in preparation, Carrie had just written up a witty introduction and that was it.

She's the WORST.

Later that evening while writing in her little laptop, she wonders if maybe it's her single status that makes her unqualified to teach the women how to meet men. I don't think that's it.  I mean, look at Sam.  She meets men all the time.

---

Carrie decides to go to the wake with Miranda to support her friend.  It is nice of her.  Miranda laments the fact that even in his early thirties, he had made preparations for his own demise.  I know this is nit picking, but how would she honestly know if he had this all planned out?  It sounds like he was successful, and his mother is still alive, so someone was available to take care of his affairs, I doubt he planned his funeral.

Either way, everyone is freaked out.  It isn't typical of successful people to just drop dead at thirty. At the gym even.

I bet it was drugs.

Just sayin'.

Even in a room full of strangers, Carrie knows someone.  It's her old boyfriend, Jim.  He seems funny and outgoing, and very friendly to Miranda.  Carrie is really standoffish, and Miranda asks why as he's off getting them drinks.

Turns out, he's an asshole.

Well, he became one after they broke up.  An important distinction. Miranda is still shaken about losing her most recent date to pharmaceuticals, and asks if Carrie would mind if she went out with Jim.

Carrie doesn't mind, but she can't say she didn't warn her.

---

Charlotte is beyond frustrated about her husband.  And Sam has absolutely no tact when discussing getting lucky. At their next breakfast together, Sam is gloating and Charlotte finally boils over.

"I'm telling you, we almost broke the bed!" Gloats Sam.

"You can't break a bed." Charlotte hisses.

Miranda teases, "What does this stallion do for a living?"

"I'm not sure." Sam says.

"Hey does he go to Mickey Mantle's?" Carrie is still upset that she had no valuable advice for her critics.

"You got me." Sam clearly doesn't want details about his life.

"How can you not know anything about him? You slept with him." Straight-laced Charlotte interjects.

"I fucked him. He made me come six times. That's good enough for me."

"Stop it! Why do you always have to talk about sex like that?!"

"

 Pictured: Charlotte

"Because I can!" Sam is adamant

Charlotte goes on to lecture Sam on how sex is something special between two people who love each other and blah blah blah.

Sam holds her own.  She's not going to be lectured by a woman who's just jealous.

"OMG, you're such a-" Charlotte begins to slut shame

"A what? What am I Charlotte?"

"When are you gonna learn that you can't sleep with everything that comes along!?"

"Hey Mrs. Softie, at least I'm getting laid!" ooo.  low blow.

Charlotte leaves and Sam yells at her that she can forget Samba.

The other two are hiding behind their menus, they are not getting involved.  Sam finds their avoidance offensive and disinvites them from Samba too!

so there!

--

Later on, Carrie takes Charlotte shopping for sexy underwear.  They are at the sleaziest lingerie shop ever.  Carrie points out that maybe they should be shopping somewhere upscale, like La Perla. I definitely agree, but Charlotte does not--  she wants to be someone else in this endeavor. Sounds... healthy.

"I wanna be 'call girl meets Park Avenue.'" Charlotte explains.

"Then you're gonna need to pair that with a nice, little cardigan." Carrie is always joking about serious things.  It may eventually turn her friends off-- oop, spoke a minute too soon.

Charlotte asks her to take this seriously, that she needs Trey to see her sexually.  Carrie tells her that she isn't sure that she wants to see Charlotte sexually and that this is much more a "Samantha job."

Charlotte needs a break from Sam, and Carrie points out that Samantha wasn't the only one ruining her breakfast.

Christ, she is so selfish.

Charlotte, rightfully, tells her that she doesn't need any lectures from her friends.  And Carrie is left feeling like a failure.

--
Miranda has a great first date with Jim.  Although, based on their dialogue, you wouldn't know it.  If someone new to me were talking about how in the past they were in a band called "uncle ted's ass" I wouldn't be inclined to kiss them in between sentences.

Miranda later gushes to Carrie about how nice and sweet Jim is and that maybe in the last 8 years he's changed. She invites her to come out with her and Jim, and Carrie begrudgingly agrees.

The third wheeling doesn't go very well at all.  Jim can't contain his assholishness, rubbing into Carrie about how much of a shoe-shopping, asshole, non-supportive girlfriend she was.

On the other hand:

Miranda defends Carrie, and they both leave. He can't contain himself and yells at them that they are such assholes.

Carrie can't help it. "I told you so. I TOLD you so."

Miranda quips, "You're such an asshole."

--

Charlotte decides that her friends are all terrible, so she has a lunch with her old friends from her old Sorority, Kappa Kappa Gamma.  They are exactly like Charlotte: friendly, sweet and woefully repressed.

Woman #1: "Congratulations on your wedding! Welcome to the married old gals club!"
 Woman #2: "He is so handsome, oh my god. I would like to trade my husband in for him, please."

Everyone titters like she said something funny.  Charlotte is feeling awkward, and is currently getting day-drunk. She thinks that maybe they'll understand her plight.  You know, cause they're married.

Woman #3: "I remember being a newlywed. We hardly ever got out of bed."

Woman #1 chides Woman #3 for being so crass.

uh, Charlotte, I think you may have the wrong audience for this.

"My husband can't get it up."

 She downs the rest of her third Martini, as the others look on in horror.

"I'm so frustrated."

"Charlotte?" Woman #2 tries to stop the outpouring.  oh no oh no, here it comes.

"I mean, don't you ever just want to be really pounded hard? you know? Like when the bed is moving all around and it's all sweaty and your head is knocking up against the headboard and you feel like it might just blow off? Dammit I just really want to be fucked, you know? Just really fucked!"

Narrator Carrie summarizes nicely, "The only heads blowing off were those of Kappa Kappa Grandma"

"Charlotte," Woman #1 begins, "This is really inappropriate."
Woman #2 continues, "yeah we're eating."
"What's wrong with you, Charlotte. You're such a--" Woman #3 echos Charlotte's earlier sentiments about Sam.
"What? What am I Woman #3?" That's literally what she says.

Then Charlotte leaves, realizing that her old college friends had become 'frenemies'.

Frenemies though? Is that the right word? Sam and Charlotte are frenemies, sure.  They are quintessential frenemies-- what with their opposing view-points on, well, nearly everything. These women are uptight assholes, and not even remotely on Charlotte's side about anything.

--
As for Sam, she'd abandoned her friends in search of new, shinier friends elsewhere.  Well, actually she has a run-in with a woman who's probably a very good approximation of who Sam will be in about 20 years.  They immediately hit it off and decide to have drinks together.

While at the bar they see two, young, hot men who seem interested in the blonde women.  Sam cuddles up with one of them, while Old Sam decides that she wants to blow the other guy under the table.

This is just entirely too much for Sam.  She knocks on the table to let Old Sam know she is leaving.  You can faintly hear Old Sam beckon through the dick in her mouth that she's coming too, but Sam has already left.

Samantha learns that even though she is a lot more liberal than any of her friends, she actually does have a little Charlotte in her.

And don't we all wish we had a little Charlotte in us?

Speaking of.

Charlotte has put on a very sexy see-through number for her husband.  Even though it goes right down to the floor, Trey can literally see every detail.

And for some ungodly reason he doesn't like it.

"What in God's name are you wearing?" Trey asks.

"It's supposed to be sexy."

"C'mon Charlotte, you're my wife. That's not you. Take that off."

"Fine." And she does. She bares all right in front of him.

"Charlotte." He ignores the sexy, naked, woman standing there in favor of a book.

"Look at me." She demands. He does. Reluctantly.

"This is me. I'm not a Madonna, and I'm not a whore. I'm your wife and I'm sexual and I love you."

And then she starts touching herself.

damn.

He finally gets the memo, and they finally do it. For a full minute and a half before the wind dies.

Afterward, she calls Sam.

"He fucked me."

"That's great! Did you come?"

"Samantha!!"

Who else but Sam!

They're back to being friends and the universe is back in the right order.

--

Carrie is steeling herself, preparing for another lecture. Unfortunately for her, word has gotten out about how terrible she is, and there are only a handful of women present.

She actually has learned something though. Rather than go through her quippy little spiel again, she invites the women out for a drink at a bar in order to meet men in meatspace.

:nods:  good deal.

And that's the end!

Till next time!

Season 3 Episode 15 Hot Child in the City

For some reason, I feel like this is one of my least favorite episodes and I can't figure out why. It feels a bit different, I think, but some of the scenes-- especially with Trey and Charlotte are gold.

Maybe I'll just skip the childish escapades of Carrie this time, and the unlikely scenario where Miranda gets braces for the episode and has them taken off before the end of it, and Sam dealing with several risque 13-year-olds talking about blow jobs, and just spend some time talking about how hilarious it is that Charlotte suggests "Canoe" as a nickname for Trey's John Thomas.

No go?

Ok.  Well, I'm not going over Miranda's story again.  That's like, top 5 unrealistic plot lines in the whole run of the thing.

Can I also mention how absolutely crazy it is that at the time this episode aired for the first time, I was about 13 years old.

So, the episode starts off with Sam at work.  She's dealing with a very young client who has way too much money to spend on a bat mitzvah party.  Like, shockingly too much money.

People should not have this much money.

1 million dollar budget for a kid's birthday party?

Sam's actually jealous of this girl. And I mean, I guess I get it a little bit? But before she even gets to the topic of kids growing up too fast, I already feel bad for her.  Not *that* bad of course, and I am having a difficult time explaining what I mean.  I think never hearing the word 'no' is damaging to a person.  When and if she ever gets cut off from daddy's money, she's going to be a world of pain.

That certainly was lighthearted!

The foursome have lunch at a hip new joint featuring haute cafeteria cuisine, whatever that is.  Like, really? They serve the food on a tray and you walk back to your seat with it and that is somehow different from other restaurants where they serve food on a tray and you walk back to your seat with it.

There's a guy checking out Miranda so Carrie writes her name and phone number on a piece of paper and hands it to the guy.  It's embarrassing.  And it's meant to be.  They're acting like teenagers, eating food in a cafeteria, writing notes to cutie cute boys, and talking about getting braces.

Later on, Carrie accidentally finds herself in a comic book store.  She's looking for her shoe guy and instead finds the young owner of the comic book store, Wade.  He's talking to her a bit too familiarly for someone who was just asked where the previous shop owner went. She don't curr about comic books.  They're for boys anyway.

He name drops all of *two* lady super heroes to prove that girls can read comic books too.  Carrie's not convinced either.

He's also a comic-book artist.  He shows her his rather shoddy comic called Power-Lad.  She asks about it, and he describes the plot to the movie "Sky High," and come to think of it one other made-for-TV Disney movie with the same plot. Essentially, son of superhero waiting for his powers to kick in.

In light of the name, Carrie refers to him as Power Lad, and so I'm going to call him Power Wade.  You know what's cool about Power Wade?  He has electrolytes which is what plants crave!

The following week, she gets an absolutely brilliant comic of herself in the mail from Power Wade.  I don't think he actually drew it though, based on the art from his comic book.  And how'd he even get her address?? Stalker alert!

She does call him, and they go on a date to a trendy new bar with *expensive* video games in it.  So, Dave and Busters essentially?

Those New Yorkers, really on trend.

Rather than take a cab or the subway home, Power Wade pulls out a razor scooter.  Classy.  He only brought one, so he let's her have a go.  She normally doesn't like to go home with men on the first date, but he brags about air conditioning and she is on it.  The apartment is huge and fancee (with two e's)

How can he afford such luxurious accommodations as a failing comic book store owner? 

Oop, there's his mother.

He lives at home.

Awkward.

Sam tells Carrie that she should dump him immediately.  Carrie balks that he's trying to save for his own place, but can't afford it.  fair enough, tbh.

Miranda shows up with her braces and her friends are so fucking shallow I can't even.  She's your friend, and it doesn't help her to hear "are you in pain? I'm in pain just looking at you" not because getting braces hurts, but because she has them at all and they are unsightly.

Seriously, what jerks.

They get served dom perignon, a gift from Sam's 13-year-old client and it's pretty much the last straw for Sam.

The gaggle of 13-year-olds shows up, and one of the girls has blue bits on her braces

Miranda asks if her braces are blue, and the girl responds, "No, they're sapphires. Oh my god, look you have the old-fashioned kind! I didn't know they made those anymore." and it makes Miranda have a sad.  D:  talk about adding insult to injury.

"Her braces are Sapphire." Miranda says after the girls leave. "I'm a 34-year-old nerd."

--

Let's talk about Charlotte and Trey, shall we?

Charlotte recently went looking on the internet for solutions to impotence.  The first thing she finds is a penis implant which makes Trey blanch when he looks at it.  Trey suggests marriage counseling and I'm like finally.  Finally.  Actually talk about your issues.  Finally.

Only, the guy they find is kind of a quack.

It's painfully hilarious to watch.

The psychologist starts off by trying to introduce an easier, non-threatening, way to talk about sex by renaming their sexual organs.  Charlotte isn't sure she understands so he gives an example:

"One client rather whimsically dubbed his anus the chocolate starfish."

"Are you quite sure you went to Yale?" Trey ribs.

Charlotte decides that her cunt should be called "Rebecca" and Trey tries to poo poo that. He doesn't want to play along.

"Why on earth would you call it Rebecca?"

"Cause it sounds nice and I've always liked the name.  Now you name yours."

"This is preposterous."

He is beyond caring at this point and even though the exercise *is* really stupid, it is telling that he isn't willing to play along.

The psychologist combats his negativity, and Charlotte remembers that he likes to sail so she suggests 'Canoe.'

"Canoe doesn't go with Rebecca."

"Well what then?"

"How about Schooner."

"Schooner's good!" Charlotte exclaims, "Rebecca and Schooner! Schooner's good, right?"

"That's very good. Very good." The psychologist is a little too into this.

 He tells them that for homework they have to tell each other a sexual fantasy while in bed together that night.

I'm just gonna type out their fantasies right now, shall I?

Charlotte's:

"I'm a fairy princess in a forest and I'm riding on a unicorn, when suddenly I see you, a pirate in buckskins. A prince in disguise. And that's when you pull me off my unicorn, you tear away my gossamer petticoats, and you put your Schooner deep inside my Rebecca."

"Now you," she asks, "Where are you?"

"I'm in hell."

 Trey goes on to talk about how embarrassing this whole thing is.  He pleads with her to accept the fact that he's not that sexual a person. Charlotte is desperate for him to try, "but, we love each other and we're married now. Rebecca and Schooner belong to each other, they need each other. Please!"

Like, the whole situation is sad, but those names man.

So funny.

Later on, she hears something from the bathroom.  Mr "Not that sexual of a guy" is jerking off to a magazine.

Back to the Psychologist!

Dr Quack tries to wax optimistic about it.  "Trey was masturbating to 'Juggs.' At least we know he isn't gay."

Charlotte is still hurt, and Trey is still passing it off as 'tension release': "Excuse me. What exactly is the problem here? It was tension release with a magazine. It had nothing whatsoever to do with my wife."

God, he's so fucking clueless.

Dr Quack points out that maybe he should start to include his wife in his sexual fantasies.

Charlotte uses her rejected wedding photos, cutting and pasting her face onto the girls' faces in his magazine.  He has to take a beat when he sees them

--But decides that he guesses she's hot enough to fap to.  he guesses. maybe.

---

Miranda has one final moment of embarrassment about her braces.  She's at work, reading a brief to the room full of people, and two of them are laughing about something with each other.  She assumes they're laughing at her braces and shamelessly tells everyone to get it out of their system.  They tell her that they were laughing at a typo and she decides to get her braces taken off.  Maybe she should keep them on until she realizes that the world doesn't revolve around her orthodontia and most people don't curr that much about whether someone has braces.

She needs better friends.

--

Carrie's story line needs wrapping up a bit.  On their second date, at Carrie's apartment, Power Wade gets a call from his mother while Carrie is making out with him.  So awkward.  She's going on and on, asking about whether he fed the dog his medicine.  Finally he realizes they can't continue their making out with his mom yakking in the background, and she's not stopping talking, so he picks up the phone.

On another date, they're back at Wade's mom's house.  He pulls out a bag of expensive weed and a home-made bong.  So that's why he can't afford to move out of mom and dad's.  They get high and end up eating buckets of KFC and playing with the hose on the balcony.

fun.

Power wade's parents drive up, and he goes into a panic. They have to find the weed cause if his mom finds it first, she'll kick him out of the house.

"But if they see billions of chicken wings, they're gonna know we were smoking the pot!" Carrie says between belly laughs.

 The parents come in, "Is that Marijuana I smell?"

I love it when straight-laced old people say things like Marijuana.

"um. no." Power Wade and Carrie look down, shamefully.

"Then what is this?  Did you bring Marijuana into this house?"

"Carrie brought it!"  Vile Betrayer!
 
She thinks about how, as a woman, she has to start taking responsibility for her actions (to tie it into the whole bat mitzvah theme from earlier). "Yes, Mrs. Adams. I brought the marijuana into the house.  And I'm taking it with me when I go!"  And she steals Power Wade's pot.

Serves him right, I say.

The foursome smoke it together, and they must have smoked a lot of it because they completely forget that they do this by the time season 6 comes around when they do it then.

--

I just have one last note, and this has been bothering me since I watched this episode for the first time, oh, eleven years ago.

At the bat mitzvah party, The 13-year-old girls are talking about how they're going to blow the members of N*sync.  Sam overhears them and tells them that they're children and shouldn't be talking like that.  "Talk to the hand grandma" one of them says.

The other one says, "Please. I've been giving blow jobs since I'm twelve."

This grammar structure comes up in the very next episode when Miranda says something like I haven't had this happen since I'm 26.

Is this how people talk?  Is it geographical?

This is literally the only time I've heard anyone say "since I'm X age." rather than "since I *was* x age."

And another thing, while I'm on the topic of strange "is this how we're talking now" grammar, has anyone else noticed the strange new use of the term 'anymore' on the internet?

For example, "we're not using it that way anymore"  is a perfectly adequate way to use the word 'anymore.'

but lately I've heard it thusly, "we're using it that way anymore."  I think the word they're looking for is 'still.'

anymore means any longer, an end to whatever it is.

It is driving me batty.  That is literally the opposite use of that word.  And it isn't like 'droll' or 'gingerly' or any number of words that sort of switched their original meaning and can now mean two opposite things depending on context.  I don't mind languages shifting like that.  It can be irritating, but I get it.  Languages are living things.  And people can be really dumb.

This is not that.  This is just asinine.

That's all.

Anywho, that's the end of that episode.  Hope you enjoyed it!