Content Warning: This episode talks a bit about diet and diet culture and weight loss after baby
On to the episode!
First thought: Easy Breezy Beautiful, Cover Girl!
How to tell someone has watched Way too many episodes of ANTM Way too many times.
My second thought is that I haven't seen these episodes in so fucking long I had to read the synopsis to refresh my memory. oop.
Memory unlocked. Actually, this episode explores some topics that can be, uh difficult, but as usual for this era of this show, the writing is tight. The writing is so tight, that not only are they discussing quick judgements and how harmful they can be, Carrie is literally choosing a cover for her own book. A play on "don't judge a book by its cover."
A few episodes ago, Carrie was offered a book deal. They want to turn a series of her columns into book form. And in this episode, they need to find the perfect cover for it.
Her contacts from the publisher are Molly Shannon and Amy Sedaris. They are hilarious. The first thing they do is present her with a cover where Carrie's face is photoshopped onto a very naked body that is running down a busy New York street.
"No! oh. I'm sorry that just came out." Carrie says.The publicists are dismayed. They are glad she has a strong reaction, but the reaction shouldn't have been no.
"No matter how fast paced the city, I always manage to get my clothes on before I leave the apartment."
They are fucked. Well, they say they're fucked. and Carrie feels guilty so she tries again, looks at it and says "No, no. Absolutely not, I would sooner die."
--
The foursome make a trip to Barnes and Noble where Carrie is being an absolutely judgemental cow. She points at various books on tables and talks about how terrible the covers are. It's a skill, I'll give her that, but you'd think someone in her position would give these people a bit of grace.
She talks to Samantha about how judgemental the public is and how screwed she is with her looming book cover. Samantha's like, get tf over yourself, you're fabulous! And I love Samantha. I know I've said it again and again throughout these snarks, but everyone needs a supportive friend like Samantha. Why should Carrie care about what a bunch of jerks say about her? oh yeah... she's got to sell this book to the very judgemental public. eeep.
"People are mean." Carrie says.
"People are not that mean." Sam begins, "Ugh she looks like shit is her stylist blind?" Sam finishes. (she's flipping through a magazine)
"I have just officially entered Panic." Carrie panics.
Sam offers her PR expertise for the cost of lunch and two martinis. Supportive friend is supportive.
--
Meanwhile Charlotte is looking for a self-help book on dealing with divorce. She barely wants to tell Miranda what the book title is, she's so shameful about it. Her whole arc (it's not that deep, really) is that she goes awandering in the self-help aisle and is completely dismayed by the kind of people there. (Narrator Carrie calls it the "self hell aisle"). There's someone eating her hair and another sobbing openly. One even tearfully tells her that "that book really helped me." The scandal! So thoroughly disgusted, she turns to amazon which is new! and sells books! And she can buy her divorcee book judgement-free!
Until the algorithm betrays her and she sees the recommendations for a person such as she is: divorced and looking for books for handling all that, and decides to throw the book out the window--
--where it lands at the feet of a woman who's currently considering divorce and needed a sign from the universe.
It's kind of funny. The algorithm is so judgey, don'tcha know.
--
Miranda took that comment from last episode ("fat ass") and decided she'd have enough of the baby weight. I... mm. I used to not mind this plot so much. I was a young mother. I'm a woman, I live on this planet. I 'get it'-- but I'm.. fucking sick of society's obsession with thinness at this venture. It's unhealthy.
And honestly, now, I think this plot absolutely insane, written by people who are not mothers and not women and it's obvious. Miranda is fresh off having a baby-- she's probably still breast feeding. I know this is niche, but I breastfed and the hunger is unreal. UNREAL. She needs these reserves. They'll likely diminish on their own, considering she's of "normal" weight (not to mention, Miranda is one of two of the women of the foursome who
are actually shown exercising. She runs the gd marathon-- she doesn't
need to go on a fucking diet)-- but society. Society called her a "fat ass" and she has to change.
Society has to change.
(Can I just note in another aside that she's not even -fat- later on in the episode, she gets weighed and she's 153 pounds. On her 5'7" frame, that's well in the range of a "healthy" weight, especially considering she just pushed out a 8 pound human. She's like the ANTM version of plus size. You know that Whitney, the plus size winner from cycle 10 was a size 6? Back then in the early 2000s if you were anything more than a size 0 you were a fat ass. Fucking exhausting)
Anyway. The person who checks her out at the bookstore takes one look at the diet book she's chosen at advises her to do weight watchers instead.
This is where she meets the guy she talked about last season (or possibly the season before, they blur together). She previously talked about a guy who was in over-eaters anonymous who would binge eat hot fudge sundaes whenever they got in a fight. This season, this guy wants donuts and chicken pot pies and other foods when stressed and it's the same plot line. It's the same guy.
He's also a messy -eater- and Miranda doesn't want to criticize his technique for fear of setting him off and being responsible for his problems (EMOTIONAL LABOR MUCH?), but she also doesn't want to kiss... uhm, herself? She does tell him that maybe he can wipe his mouth before kissing her after doing that and he essentially shuts down and they break up.
She ends up moving to the other WW place by the Krispy Kreme rather than deal with seeing him again, and uh, fair. Apparently he's put her off donuts in general. Hey, whatever gets you off.
--
Samantha's story line dovetails nicely in with Carrie's.
Sam's at her office, and the worldwide express guy has a -package- for her and it's very suggestive and very porn. It's hilarious. Sam's doing a, job, shall we say, and who should show up a few moments later, but Carrie-- there to take Sam out on that lunch date and to decide on the outfit for the cover.
Carrie takes one look at Sam on her knees, gasps, bangs her elbow on the door frame, and escapes!
In the next scene, in the same outfit, Carrie is at her apartment having a nice conversation with Stanford while she is still obsessing over her cover. Stanford is by the window, glowing. "You look very... something." Carrie says.
"I am very something... I met someone" Stanford gushes. Stanford goes on to describe Marcus, his new man. But first, he worries that Carrie will judge him, and Carrie is like peh, I don't judge people.
"We all judge. Some people do arts and crafts. We judge" Stanford is on point this episode.
So, you know how I keep saying she needs a hobby? I suppose if snarking these episodes can be one of my many (MANY) hobbies then judging people can be theirs. Why not?
Anyway, Marcus is a dancer for Radio City Music hall. He also played someone named Coffee in some ballet. Who cares. Carrie is really trying to hold back but wants to judge him like crazy. "You met a man who played Coffee waiting to get Coffee?"
Sam calls Carrie at this point, and hints that she thinks that Carrie's reaction to catching the BJ was a bit much.
"Oh lighten up!" Sam says. "Uhm. I am light." Carrie replies. I... don't know how to take this whole interaction. I think that Sam is feeling insecure about being caught blowing that guy and rather than stay and watch? Sam is mad that Carrie left. What on earth did she expect her to do? pop popcorn? Pull up a seat?
Sam mainly wanted to say that she has a stylist who's pulled some looks for the cover. And Carrie wants to come see the styles. Sam thinks that Carrie doesn't trust her to know what "sexy chic" means-- and to be honest, I'm on Carrie's side here.
Carrie and Sam have very different ideas of what makes something sexy. But Sam is cool with her coming along, and Carrie invites Stanford because "he's gay and bitchy, my target test audience."
Not "he's my friend and I trust his eye for this sort of thing."
He's GAY and BITCHY.
:blinks:
ANYWAY. moving on.
--
The foursome have a meeting at coffee shop where they mostly complain about Miranda's date du episode. The one who is a messy eater. There's a lot, but not a lot to talk about. Except this:
Miranda: "Samantha do you kiss after a blowjob?"
Carrie: "No, she just signs the delivery slip and sends him on his way."
OUCH.
The other two are confused cause that joke BIT and was PERSONAL.
"Apparently Carrie has a problem with the fact that she saw me blowing the worldwide express guy." Sam explains to the gobsmacked Miranda and Charlotte.
Charlotte says "eeeew."
Carrie points out that it was Charlotte and not her that just said Ew.
"and when did I say I had a problem?"
"oh please, you walked in, caught us, turned and ran."
"Well what was I supposed to do, sit and flip through Marie Claire" (fucking thank you.)
Miranda sort of piles on with the slut shaming and puts Sam on the defense about her blowing the worldwide express guy. Samantha is deeply offended by their slut shaming.
"Samantha," Miranda says, "What's the big deal? We laugh about this kind of stuff all the time."
Samantha says fine but she is grimacing. She forces Carrie to leave with her to meet with the stylist.
At the meeting, the looks that have been pulled are not good. If you watched TBS in the turn of the century, you saw this scene, it was part of the show previews. Carrie is put in a very wispy teddy with boas. so many boas. fake feathers everywhere. It's a nightmare.
Stanford is there introducing his very sexy boyfriend to Carrie, right as the curtain pulls back and we see the monstrosity: "Marcus Adante, Lady Marmalade."
"It's nice to meet you." Carrie says, "I don't usually dress like a high class hooker."
Sam is still sort of offended from lunch and takes it personally.
"That is NOT a hooker look." She says.
"Please! This screams hooker. What respectable New York Woman would be caught dead wearing this?" Carrie is walking into a trap.
"I have one in red. Am I a hooker?"
Sam asks if Carrie looks adorable in the -outfit- and he admits that she does, then Carrie asks if it's the worst possible for the cover and it absolutely is.
Carrie asks Marcus and Stanford to wait outside while she confronts Sam about everything between them this episode. Carrie points out the thing I was saying about their ideas of sexy.
"This is about the blowjob isn't it?" Sam says. "One little blowjob and I'm a hooker with no taste."
Carrie is absolutely flummoxed: "It's about the book cover."
Carrie then completely lies and says that women their age need to cover it up. Whatever, *I* for one don't judge. I hate those lists about things -women- over thirty shouldn't do. FUCK IT.
"We can't get away with the same stuff we used to." Carrie says. (LIES)
"Like blow jobs." Sam continues to berate Carrie about the judgement she felt from her that day at her office.
"That wasn't judgement that was shock. I thought we were having lunch."
Sam reiterates, "are you saying you have no judgement?"
"no judgement. But I do have a question, will this relationship be priority-overnight or next-day delivery." FUCKING HELL CARRIE. READ THE ROOM.
"If I walked in on you giving a blow job to a worldwide express guy--"
"You would never walk in on me, because that is something I would never do!"
"THERE. And I cannot believe that you would judge me after everything that we've been through."
NO kidding. They've been through a war of Carrie's making and Sam was steadfast.
"I will wear whatever and blow whomever as long as I can breathe and kneel."
Anyway. Sam walks out of the office and into a -scene- between Stanford and Marcus and she is shocked at the sight.
Sam and Carrie make up over that. Apparently you can be shocked without being judgemental. Two things can be true.
In the end, Carrie wears a lovely outfit for the cover and it's an iconic look. It's her type of sexy.
That's it friends! Next time I'll start the second half of season 5! This season only has 8 episodes!
Cheers!
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