That slick, L.A. veneer is covering something wicked and unseemly.
Hey, It's Halloween today! How appropriate!
Carrie is spending an extra week in L.A., so it's important that she stay fresh -down there- but her indecipherable waxer takes matters into her own hands and swipes every last bit of hair she has down there. oop.
I'm with Miranda, I would have killed her.
Course, I would never get a wax.
Carrie is warned about her bareness, that she should be very careful who she invites to Brazil because it makes people do crazy things!
Miranda has RSVP'ed No to their impromptu trip to Brazil, and is instead meeting her friend Lou. Lou moved out to LA to write for David Letterman but now writes for what is obviously 'Friends'-- why they could name drop Letterman, but only vaguely describe Friends is beyond me.
Miranda scans the hippy new age cafe in search for Lou. She thought he'd be easy to spot since he practically reeks of New York, but he blends in and he recognizes her first.
Apparently he's lost a lot of weight, and is on a new health kick along with the rest of L.A. and Miranda is disgusted.
"Wanna grab a drink?" he asks
"Yes, please, let's go. The sight of all these bleached teeth is blinding!"
God, could she be more judgemental? Doesn't she know that they need to keep their teeth white in case they get a call-back? You know, cause everyone in LA is in the business.
"No, I mean grab something here. This place is known for its green tea infusions!"
"Please? Infusions? could LA be any worse?!"
I'm glad someone is saying it, cause that shit got tired. I lived for awhile in the central coast of California, up near San Luis Obispo, and the Yoga and New Age Holistic shit is fucking exhausting.
Infusions is the least of it.
Miranda has to deal with the fact that with the several dozen pounds that Lou has lost, he's also lost the neuroses and unhappiness that New York people are known for. (and ONLY New York people.)
--
Meanwhile, Carrie and Sam are unceremoniously being kicked off the red carpet. They had decided to crash an after-movie premiere party and they are being called out for it. They didn't see the movie, they are, honestly, acting like entitled jerks.
"Do you know who she is?!" See, told you.
"I know she's not *on the list*"
Sam thinks that they'd be treated differently in New York, and I don't see how. But who knows?
While Sam is attempting to get the car from the valet, Carrie is greeted by a Hollywood -somebody-, who is on his cell phone and acting important. It's Vince Vaughn, but he's not playing himself. Well, he's not that great of an actor and he kind of always plays himself, but you know what I mean.
He tells Carrie after a little bit of flirtation that she and Sam aren't going anywhere, that they deserve to be treated with full VIP distinction and are fluttered into the party.
After Vince is distracted by his cell phone again, Sam and Carrie see Hugh Hefner from across the room. To Sam, this was *the* celebrity sighting and she is completely agog.
I don't have any opinions about Hugh, not really, so I'll skip over politics and just say how much I detest people who can't stay off their phones in public places. Vince, you suck.
Sam goes over to Hugh, who's adorned with several glossy blondes, and Sam is completely taken in by this gross, 80-year-old man's charm.
Vince gets off his phone long enough to flirt with Carrie and invite her to the VIP room. fun!
"This outsider was starting to like the view from the inside!" Narrator Carrie says. God, these characters are so shallow.
Speaking of Shallow.
"Damn we make a fine looking couple." It's Trey this time, talking to Charlotte as he kisses her neck.
She turns around, rubs her hand on his, well, let's just call it what he calls it "John Thomas" and says she has an itch. He pets her face and looks at her like she's asked him to kill kittens or rob a bank or something, then walks away.
She doesn't let him leave it at that. She wants to make a sex life happen out of all of this mess. She proposes viagra, and he poo poos it because of the risk to his heart. Instead of at least cuddling her, he decides to go for a run.
D:
Sam decides to buy a fendi from some guy's trunk the next day. She's super pleased that she paid $150 instead of $4000. one-fifty is still a -LOT- to spend on a knock-off. just sayin'.
She shows it off to her friends, and tells Carrie that she can get them more if they just go to an address he gave her in a place called "The Valley." Like, Oh My Gawd, What a, like, weird foreign place, like, no one's ever heard of before!
ahem.
Charlotte decides to escape her reality in New York and surprises Carrie at her hotel. Carrie is on her way out the door, meeting Vince, and tells her that Sam and Miranda are down by the pool.
Looking down at the glistening, muscled man-candy by the water, she's pretty pleased with herself.
yum!
So Carrie and Vince go to a house up in the hills. It's absolutely huge, and Vince is pretty pleased with himself. Carrie is like, "How the hell can you afford this?" and mums the word.
He should really be holding up a mirror, because really? Shoe boxes in New York are more expensive then this place.
--
Next morning, Charlotte orders an egg white omelet with steamed veggies and decides she loves L.A.
Miranda brags about how Lou might be the perfect combination of the left and right coasts-- about how he's lost his neurosis -and 30 pounds- but still roots for the Knicks. You know, the perfect guy for Miranda.
"I'm telling you, he's a changed man. He's really spiritual, and happy. He met the Dalai Lama."
"So?" Sam boasts, "I met Hugh Hefner!"
Then Miranda seems to feel shaken about her own neuroses and unhappiness. Maybe she should let go of some of her own New York toxic anger.
"Yeah, but what would you do with all your spare time?" Carrie points out, rightly.
This is when Sam brags about the fake fendi and tells the others where they can get more.
Carrie is super impressed with the purse, her insides are 'on the outside' and she can't afford the genuine article anyway, but Miranda doesn't like fakes.
"Who cares? All that matters is what it looks like." Sam says.
Carrie spills out the purse, continuing to examine the stitch work.
"Could you have more condoms?" Charlotte asks.
"I did. yes."
Charlotte has her own moment of bragging, "I am just so happy to be out of that condom stage of life... So nice to go to bed with the same man every night."
The other three aren't super happy that Charlotte flew all this way to brag about being married and having all the sex.
She asks what she should do first, and Sam advises her to get a bikini wax. Payback's a bitch. ><
--
At "The Valley" the next day, like, whatever that could be, Sam and Carrie decide to pick out a bag for Carrie from the guy's trunk.
Narrator Carrie is having second thoughts, "...Even if everyone else thought it was real, I'd always know my bag came from a cardboard box in a trunk."
And doesn't that neatly tie the whole episode together?
Carrie talks about it with her friends later on, and it finally guilted Charlotte enough to admit -out loud- to everyone that her and her husband's marriage is a fake fendi.
"He can't even get it up!"
"What?" Sam -almost- sounds sarcastic.
"We've never had sex."
"You've never had sex?!" more near sarcasm from Sam.
Miranda is astonished "But you've been married for-"
"Over a month!" Charlotte finishes.
"You've never had sex!" Sam repeats.
Solemn head shake from Charlotte. Carrie explains the issue, that it's emotional and not physical, and Miranda is annoyed that Carrie knew about it.
"She told me at the wedding."
"I was afraid you'd just say you told me so and then I should never have gotten married so quickly!"
Miranda tries on her understanding -less angry- persona, "Charlotte who am I to judge you? We all have our own paths in life."
"What am I gonna do?" Charlotte asks.
"Wait, You've never had sex?" Sam is stuck.
"SHE'S NEVER HAD SEX!" Carrie breaks her out of it.
"It's only been a month." the newly spiritual Miranda offers.
Sam suggests she show him Brazil, and Charlotte was missing for that part of the episode so I don't really understand whether they are being sarcastic right now.
"A second honeymoon to South America might do the trick!"
Finally we reach the part of the episode where the masks come off and people are honest.
Well, not before Carrie shows Vince her own Brazilian.
I love how the song Brazil plays in the background of this episode, btw. Great use of the theremin.
Miranda is on a date with Lou at a great high-end restaurant.
They're chatting about New York, whether he misses it. He thinks writing for Friends is just like living in New York. Miranda points out the biggest plot hole in Friends: "Twenty-somethings with tiny salaries don't live in huge SOHO lofts painted bright colors. It's totally fake."
(To be fair, Monica's loft is rent controlled, first rented by her dead grandmother.)
Lou is adamant that because the show has so many viewers, it is realistically New York. Then he chews his food about four or five times and spits it into his napkin.
"Is something wrong with your steak?"
"No, uh-uh, it's great!"
Then he does it again, humming while he chews. He nonchalantly spits it out into his napkin again.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm tasting my food."
"Why aren't you swallowing your food?"
"Do you think I look this good by eating?"
What I want to know is how he can be in such a good mood when he's starving himself. I forget to eat and I am HANGRY.
--
Next morning, at Vince's very large house, Carrie and Vince are interrupted in their cuddling by an irate Carrie Fisher.
"What the FUCK do you think you're doing?! I told you, no prostitutes while you're house sitting!"
"You're a house sitter?!"
"Personal Assistant. Personal assistant." Still trying to save face.
Carrie Fisher name drops several big Hollywood names, and Carrie realizes that the life she's coveting isn't Vince's at all but all these Hollywood elites.
OK, but what difference does it make to Carrie? It's pretend for her whether Vince is a house sitter, uh, I mean personal assistant, or whether the house and expensive car belong to him.
Fully disillusioned, Carrie and Miranda join Sam and Charlotte for one last LA romp at the playboy mansion.
Charlotte is no longer missing her husband at home. She's flirting and drinking heavily with a guy who is talking to her about art. She realizes that she should check herself, since it is inappropriate to flirt with other men while being married. The guy laughs it off; "It's the playboy mansion! It could be a lot worse."
Then he offers to buy her boobs.
"Excuse me?"
This nice, intellectual guy has offered Charlotte a set of fake breasts, so Charlotte leaves him in search of her actual friends. Maybe her marriage isn't so bad.
yeah, maybe not.
Sam has also had a bit of drama. Her fake fendi's been stolen! Now she's on a rampage, searching for it.
There! A playboy bunny's got her bag!
"It's my bag." The bunny insists.
Hugh has shown up to defend his
"Look on the inside, there's a label that says 'made in china' and there's a bunch of condoms in there."
Now who's insides are on the outside?
It isn't the fake fendi, though. It's genuine. Hugh kicks Sam out of the party, and she insists on collecting her friends first. They are all very willing to leave and go back home to New York.
Miranda is back to being pissed off all the time (the way we like her!), Charlotte is grateful for a man who doesn't overtly sexualize her, Sam has learned that not everything at the playboy mansion is fake, and Carrie's learned to be grateful for her own genuine, gritty apartment.
