Season 4 Episode 11 Coulda Woulda Shoulda

CW: abortion

I'm having the damnedest time trying to think of something clever to open this. I got nothing.

Carrie's running late to meet Miranda.  She has like 2 obligations in her life, this is ridiculous.  Miranda is late too, but not to meeting her friend or something important like that.  She's pregnant!

But not in a good way.

Which is sorta funny, because at the age they are, a pregnancy "scare" is unheard of. Most women that age, at that socioeconomic bracket, intend to be pregnant or to not be pregnant.

"Didn't you wear a condom?" Carrie asks.

"Steve only has one ball and I only have one ovary.  In what kind of fucked up world does that make a baby?" Miranda rightly points out.

"Yeah, I see your point." Carrie says.

I love how the show brought up that whole ovary problem of hers in a one-off episode a few years ago.  Absolutely apropos of nothing, but also not a super obvious foreshadow.  (except at the time I snarked it I remember it being absolutely ridiculous)

So Miranda's decided to nip the whole thing in the bud and you know.

Do the thing. Rhymes with Shmashmortion.

I have feelings about this.  Not because I'm pro-life or anything dumb like that.  A woman should be prepared to have a child and give it a good life.  Or just plain want to have a child.

On the other hand,

I feel though that we as a society are kinda terrified of kids, and it's kinda dumb.  I won't really comment on the whole single-mother thing, cause that kind of is terrifying.  I have a feeling that even if she and Steve were together she'd want to have a Schmashmortion.  She's a 30-something woman who has never even really held a child before.  Of course doing the whole breeding thing is so foreign as to be terrifying.  But kids aren't terrifying.  They aren't this ginormous scary thing.  You wait too long and you prepare too long and you'll give yourself a thing about it. At some point you just have to take a leap.  You know, if you want kids.

And Miranda never says that she doesn't want kids.  In season 1 when Carrie has her pregnancy scare with Big, Miranda painfully admits "I'll probably end up with 5," barring the point that a person in her situation doesn't just "end up" with that many kids, she could have easily said that she hoped to never procreate and the show could have made it funny.  You know, the way it handles Sam never wanting kids.

The whole point of the episode is actually kinda my point.  Life just kinda happens and even though you prepare and prepare and prepare, sometimes it just throws things at you and you take what happens and deal with it.

"Life is what happens when you're waiting for a table." Narrator Carrie will say at the end.

Miranda and Carrie are swapping looks at Brunch with the other two.  Charlotte has started her period and she's not happy about it.  It's been 4 months, Charlotte.  Clam yo tits.

"What's with the eyes Miranda?"

Charlotte thinks it's about her, and of course it's not, and of course this is the worst time to tell her not only that Miranda gets to be pregnant when Charlotte wants it SO much, but that Miranda doesn't want to be pregnant.

So Charlotte walks out.

"You have your abortion talk." She says as she's leaving.

In the director's commentary, he says that a quarter of the audience step out with her.  Sounds about right.

Miranda is upset. "She makes me sound so..."

Sam, the good friend, tells Miranda not to go there.  That they've all been there, and they have.  Sam has had two and Carrie had one. Miranda hasn't had any.

I like this real talk here.  Unabashed, shit happens, no judgement.

Carrie had one when she was 22, after a night with a guy who worked for TGI Fridays The Saloon.

Her friends give her a hard time about where he worked and what they did together.  It was 1987, you guys, everyone did something embarrassing when they were -1, uh 22.

It's nice that Carrie can be their laughing stock to assuage Miranda's bad feelings though.  Good times.

Carrie has a lot to think about. So much that she can't pick a shoe.  Aiden yells at her that she's taking too long, and Carrie is debating telling Aiden about the whole mess.


She tells him first about Miranda being pregnant and Charlotte being upset cause she's not.

Steve suggests that Miranda gift Charlotte the baby.  That's actually not a bad idea. But I guess we're not going there.  "No, it's not a sweater."

And then Aiden asks who the guy is, Carrie reminds him that he can't tell anyone and it's Steve.

"Oh come on! I feel like you just trapped me!"

Carrie says that she's so distracted by the whole thing, she had to tell someone.

"She's gonna do it without telling him?"

 Carrie is mildly confronted with her own issues there-- her stifling single-hood, you know, the one that keeps her from being intimate with men since they are disposable.  Of course Carrie wouldn't think about the man's perspective here.

On the other hand, in this situation neither would I.  Miranda and Steve aren't -together- together.  Miranda has no obligation to Steve.

"What?" Aiden red pills lightly, "it's Steve's baby too."

"Well technically it's not going to be anybody's baby." Carrie says only a little tactlessly.

"And a man shouldn't be able to force a woman to have a baby when she doesn't want one," No one says here in this episode but they fucking should.

Aiden asks if she's ever had one, she says no, and I would lie too.  Judgemental prick.

---

Carrie has a lunch date with Sam, and they take a detour in front of the Hermes store for Sam to ogle a ten thousand dollar purse.

Carrie's expression here is my expression.

A cursory googling shows the price of a Birkin bag as between ten and three hundred thousand dollars.  Crazy pants.

Sam is on the list. There's a list to buy them.

As they walk away, Carrie tells Sam about the previous evening's conversation with Aiden.  About how and why she lied to him, and about what life would be like if she had had that baby 13 years ago.

Her life would be completely different, she wouldn't know Sam.  Sam can't imagine it.

I can't imagine her as a mother either.  Maybe a step-mother.  But one of those mean ones that schemes to get the step-kids out of the way by sending them to a military school ala Meredith from The Parent Trap.

Carrie whines in her laptop, "are we there yet?" in response to a winding extended metaphor about roads and paths and choices and mistakes.  Everyone's on the road to 'who we hope to be' and Carrie puts the onus on the universe to get us there a little bit.

If your life is a certain way when you're 35, it's probably who you are. Accept it, change it, do whatever, but at least acknowledge that this is it.  This is life. For better or worse.

I guess she kind of does in the end.

:shrug:

This is getting too long.  Sorry.

I don't really want to get into Sam's story line with the bag.  It is lame, and has nothing to do with the rest of the plot.

--

At the same time that Charlotte is calling her doctor for fertility testing, Miranda is calling her own doctor for the opposite.

--

Aiden finally guilts Carrie into telling Miranda that she should tell Steve.  It's a mess and none of their business.

Miranda is annoyed at hearing that Carrie told Aiden.

"He's gonna tell Steve!" Miranda worries.

"He will not, I made him swear on Chanel."

"Well, as long as he took the oath of fabric." Miranda says the best line in the episode.  What?  I like fabric.

Carrie Red Pills all over the pizza parlor.  "He seemed to have pretty strong opinions about the guy having a right to know."

"You know, I didn't think this could get any worse but, ha ha, it has. Now I'm supposed to think about what I'm doing to Steve?"  See, this is exactly why Steve doesn't have to know, this is her deal, her body, her emotions.  And now she has to worry about potentially hurting Steve's feelings.  :rolls eyes:  They aren't even TOGETHER.

It's not about him At All.

Miranda takes a moment to joke at Carrie, "Did you tell the guy from TGI Fridays?"

"Jesus, it was the Saloon. And no, I didn't. It was completely different." Carrie hypocrites.

Miranda says, "There's no way I'm telling Steve. He'd want me to have it." and Carrie looks at her like that means something.

"You know what.  You're right. Forget my life, I'm having Steve's baby!" Miranda says sarcastically, "Pizza for everybody!"

--

Charlotte finds out in the next scene that she can't have a baby since her uterus doesn't want babies.  :sadface:

She sees Miranda on the street as she's walking home, turns around and walks the other way.

Miranda is annoyed at this, as anyone would be, but Charlotte explains that she doesn't want to see her right now because of her stupid uterus.  Miranda is a good friend and offers to walk with her.  Charlotte says that she doesn't need her too, but Miranda says she'll be here if she wants her to and walks behind her the whole way.

Like, probably just a metaphor again, but absolutely above and beyond ridiculous.

What if Charlotte had gotten a cab?  Would Miranda have gotten the next one and asked it to follow the first one?

--

Carrie decides to have lunch at TGI Fridays The Saloon.  There, still a waiter, is the guy who she didn't tell about the shmashmortion. He doesn't recognize her.  He denies ever going to the bar they went to together in his life.  She orders soup and a drink and then walks out of there.

Like, why order soup then?

Rude.

She decides that she made the right choice back then.

As if she could have done anything about it now, except regret it.  Definitely not 'coulda woulda shoulda.'

--

At the shmashmortion office, Carrie is being a good friend and helping Miranda with the admission papers.  Miranda can't help spinning.

"Does it hurt?" Miranda asks.

"Not really.  Mostly it's just unpleasant." Carrie says, honestly.

"What about after?  How long before I feel back to normal?" And she's made the mistake of asking during a tumultuous time when Carrie is feeling ridiculous, so Carrie answers, "Any day now."

I am pretty sure I already shared this thought, but sometimes I think this show unintentionally gives fuel to the fire that is pro-life, anti-sex, anti-women garbage that is so pervasive in our society.

Plenty of women have abortions and come out of it the other side much better for it with no emotional or physical repercussions. Can we please stop lying about it?  We're supposed to be the side of compassion and understanding, they're the ones that lie and say women will get breast cancer, depression, and be unable to have babies after an abortion.

"I'm doing the right thing, right?" Miranda asks her friend.

"Miranda I cannot answer that." Well sometimes she knows when to shut her trap.

"Charlotte only has a 15% chance and she's really trying. What if I wake up at 43 and find that my one semi-decent ovary gave up and I can't have kids."

"43?" Carrie asks the important questions.

"It's my 'scary age'."

"Mine's 45" Carrie says.

My new one is 50.  Before, it was 30.  shhshh.  Don't judge.

"This happened against all the odds. My stupid egg found it's way to the three sperm he had left.  Oh god Carrie.  Is this my baby? I mean what am I waiting for?"

"Sweetie.  Do you want to leave?"

"No. I can't have a baby. I could barely find the time to schedule this abortion."

Just then the nurse calls her name and she gets up.

In the next scene, Sam is bringing tea to Miranda.  They're all there helping her recover.  I love when they show Sam as maternal, btw.

Charlotte's brought flowers, "...to do whatever flowers do in a situation like this."

"I felt the same way about Entemmen's lemon strudel." Carrie jokes.

Miranda makes the surprising announcement that she's keeping the baby.

Charlotte's reaction could go either way, but she's overjoyed, "We're having a baby?!"

In the final scene, Carrie is late for the second time this episode.  She's so late that the restaurant had to give her and Aiden's table away so now they have to wait.

And they can't wait at the bar because there's a wait to wait.

And then Aiden says "We'll be outside. Forget us." And I was totally shocked when they did eventually call their names and say their table was ready cause I would have taken them literally.  ><

Carrie and Aiden go next door for some brewskis that they drink out of paper bags while they are still apparently waiting for a table.

Carrie tells Aiden all about the conclusion to Miranda's arc, that she's having the baby and now it's none of their business.  Now.

Then she finally admits that she lied when she said that she didn't have an abortion.  She had one when she was 18 and the condom broke-- actually there was no condom-- actually she was twenty... two.  She was twenty two.

"Is your name really Carrie?" He says even though Lying is a huge problem with Carrie and has been since the beginning.

She asks if he hates her, and I guess I can really relate to that.  I have a serious fear of abandonment, and it manifests in always assuming the people around me will go tired of my neuroses and leave me.  That yearning to be perfect for them can be toxic, yo.

"They say life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. but Sometimes in New York, life is what happens when you're waiting for a table."

In New York, you wait for tables long enough that life can happen while you do it.

Well, that was sort of fun.

See ya soon!

Season 4 Episode 10 Belles of the Balls

Woohoo! Look at me! Two episodes in two weeks! I'm on a roll!

It would almost be a betrayal to separate these two episodes any further, they are so related.  This should almost be called 'sex and the country part 2.'

Miranda, Sam and Carrie are hanging out at a Pool hall with Aiden and Steve celebrating Steve's cancer win.  Not that he won cancer, but that he defeated it! woohoo!

Samantha is up to stick. (Cued up?)

"I only have one ball left" Sam gloats, inconsiderate of the situation.

Maybe they should have picked a place with *fewer* balls to celebrate Steve's lack of extra ball.  :cringe:

Steve exits the embarrassing situation right before Sam sinks the 8 ball, and Sam's friends chide her on her lack of sensitivity.

She forgot, naturally.

Apparently the cancer winner is left feeling like a loser because of his lack of symmetry.

Aiden, as the only testicle-having person on the scene, expresses his own insecurity if he was ever left with just one ball.  None of the other women really get it, they're just happy he didn't, you know, die from cancer.

Carrie compares ball-having to purse-having, but I'm pretty sure they missed a great opportunity to compare this loss to something that would really matter to a woman-- her breasts.

On the other hand, breasts mean a lot to men too, so perhaps an expensive handbag *is* the right level of comparison since none of the women seem to have any idea why it would matter if the man she was with only had one ball.

 Just then, a guy walks up to Sam.  She doesn't recognize him and the situation is very humorous.

"Samantha Jones." The man says.

"Hey! How are you?!" Sam replies way too excitedly so you can tell she doesn't recognize him.

"Great!"

"Everyone this is uhm-"

"Allan. Allan Jannis."

"Allan Jannis.  Right! We-"

"-fucked!"

"Fucked! Right! I knew I knew you!"

 She asks how he is in a more suggestive way.  He tells her all about the Richard Wright hotel he's just finished designing.  Sam, who is a PR professional looking to drum up new clients, explains that she's been trying to meet with him for months.  She gets him to get Richard Wright to call her.

I mean, that's one way to network: Sleep with a guy, forget you slept with a guy, see him randomly in a bar and use him to get a job with his boss.

Speaking of his boss.  Richard Wright. Sam's Holy Grail.

Remember her search for the perfect dick from season one and two?  Well, finally it's finally gonna pay off!

In an episode about balls even.

Look no further than his *name.*

 But I'm getting a-head- of myself.

This episode's theme is men and their insecurities, -not- Richard Wright and his perfect dick.  We'll get to that much later.

So for now we get to explore the men's insecurities.  In excruciating detail.

Charlotte, who didn't go out to celebrate with Steve for some reason, is at home with Trey.  She's a bad wife and ordered a Chinese. Over their mu shu, Charlotte decides to bring up their so-far failed attempts at successfully baby making.

She suggests that Trey get his sperm tested.  She should have said "testied." I would have.

He pretty much shuts completely down.  For one, he thinks it's inappropriate to talk about over dinner. (OK, so when is it appropriate to talk about sperm?)  For two, it's only been three months, and for three: "Why would you just leap to the conclusion that the problem is me!?"

three months.

Three Months.

God, she is annoying.

And I know annoying.

I Invented annoying.

Charlotte explains that it's easier and less invasive to test the man, that she doesn't think there's anything wrong with his 'strong scottish sperm.'

--

On the other side of town, Aiden and Carrie are both brushing their teeth in tighty whities.  I guess it's supposed to look like they're familiar and comfortable with each other, but Carrie in tighty whities is so uncomfortable and unflattering.  Based on the last episode, I would assume she wears nothing but the silky lacey stuff.  And these aren't even comfortable Hanes cotton briefs-- these are bordering on those 20-year-old pair of underwear you can't get your middle-aged husband to throw away.  You know, the ones where the elastic has worn out and there are holes everywhere and they're that awful shade of grey?

Gross, Carrie.  Don't wear old man underwear.

And she's also wearing a bra that's like 3 sizes too large for her that looks like it belongs on a grandma.

 

In the middle of everything the phone rings and Aiden picks up.

"Bradshaw house of pain, how can we hurt you?"
 
Jokes on him: it's Big.

He needs to whine to Carrie about his movie star girlfriend from the last episode.

She takes the phone into the walk-in closet and shuts the bathroom door to chat.  Which sounds weird, but remember her walk-in is situated in the middle of her house between the bathroom and bedroom/living room/kitchen area.  So really, she just walked to the rest of the house *from* her bathroom. Her walk-in is a glorified hallway.  It's a hallway with drawers and shelving, which is an excellent use of efficient space in such a tiny New York Apartment.

ahem.

Big's problem with movie star is summarized thusly: "She can reach me. I can't get her."

Oh how little sympathy I have for him.  I spent a little while yesterday reading some mid-season 2 recaps-- you know, for neurotic reasons like noticing all the little spelling errors and typos I made 2 years ago-- and Big was the hugest asshole to Carrie back then during their second go-around.

He was just gonna move to Paris without letting her know about it.

Excuse me if he doesn't get off that easily in my book.

Carrie doesn't really understand what the big deal is with him and the movie star, but that phrase is repeated, "She could reach me, but I can't get her, Ever."

The more important part of this episode is not that Big is feeling insecure, but how Aiden reacts to Carrie hiding in the closet to talk to her ex-boyfriend.

He goes absolutely nuts about it.

"Why'd you take the phone in there?" He asks.

"Cause I know you don't like him calling here. So."

"Carrie, you tell me nothing's going on, nothing's going on."  Oh, it SOUNDS like he's A-OK with this.  just wait.

"I don't want you to feel threatened."

"You think I'm threatened by him? I could take him. I'm just saying, It's like the time Batman and the green hornet got in a fight. Everybody expected Batman to win cause he's got the gadgets and the cape and shit. But the green hornet had the moves.  See, I'm the green hornet, I got the moves. Plus, I got Pete, and he's like Kato.  Aren't you boy? Hey Petey!"

And then Aiden just runs out of the bathroom playing with his dog, totes cool that Carrie was talking to Batman on the phone in her underwear.

---

Steve wants Miranda to go ball-shopping with him later.  He's heard about a plastic surgeon who does fake-balls for dudes. She is so not into that scene at all.  She's trying to tell him that women sincerely don't give a shit about scrotum size, but he's really still feeling really terrible about the whole thing, so she acquiesces and goes along.

The surgeon talks a bit about ball sizes (with absolutely no measurements given) so Miranda guesses he'd be a medium?

"yeah? I was thinking large." Steve responds.

"Well, I'm really not an expert. Large then."

"Medium, really?" Steve is feeling insecure.

"A large-medium, Steve." Miranda is going above-and-beyond trying to protect his feelings.

And then the surgeon says some hot-button words like 'clinical trial' and 'market clearance' and 'it's perfectly safe I assure you' And Miranda the Lawyer shuts the whole thing down.

"He says it's perfectly safe." Steve says.

"That's what they said about the Pinto. You want a Pinto near your penis?"

---

At Brunch with the foursome, Carrie brings up the idea of maybe putting Big and Aiden in a room together to sort out their differences.  None of the other three think this is a great idea.

Then, in turn, the others bring up their menfolk and issues with *that area.*  It's enough to make anyone scream.

"Geez! What is it with that area! It's like a minefield!" Miranda screams.

Carrie writes in her little laptop about her friends "...body image depression, unpredictable mood swings, late night phone calls obsessing about a relationship. Did I mention these are my male friends?"

Oh so clever Carrie.

You know, in my old age, I've come to realize that men are WAY more emotional, insecure, and irrational than women.

I mean, the whole red pill shit alone.  Now that Incels are in the main-stream media, and now that that whole men's reddit/4-chan/8-chan subculture is all over the news, can we stop pretending that women are the irrational half of our species?

please?

No? Women still get to be called the emotional and irrational ones?

:rolls eyes:

---

At Sam's meeting with Richard Wright, he's a real ball-buster.  He's enjoyed the interview, but would prefer if she worked his Public Relations schtick alongside a man. She doesn't buy it and wants the job alone, and she calls out his sexism.

"You might want to consider working alongside someone who isn't so... emotional" He tactlessly says while shoving a tic tac in his mouth.

"Emotional is just code for 'I don't want to hire a woman.'" Sam says to her friends in the next scene.

Miranda is all over this topic.  As a lawyer at her firm, she resents that the men above her would think she'd cry over a legal brief.

"Well, have you ever cried over a brief?" Everyone wants to know.

"Certainly, but only in the privacy of my own office." she says matter of factly.

"I cried once at the gallery." Charlotte says, "Once. In ten years. And from that day on it was 'careful don't make Charlotte cry."

Sam has *never* cried at work. And she's proud of it.

Carrie fake-cried to her editor to get out of a deadline and go to the Hamptons.

 "A guy gets angry at a meeting, he's a pistol. A woman? She's emotional" Sam gets back on track.

"If I'd say anything like, 'I don't think that's hung high enough' they'd say 'ooooh, careful! don't make Charlotte cry!'" Charlotte falls of the track.

"What does he think I'll do? Get my period and ruin his empire?!" Sam continues.

"Yes. Men. Wait, let me rephrase that. Some Men--" Miranda begins

"Good Move Counselor. That will look much better on the court transcripts of this Dinner." Carrie says, unaware of the fact that I am in fact taking the minutes of their dinner.

"Some men," Miranda continues, "are threatened by strong businesswomen and they have to find a way to make her be just a woman again. Hence, you're too emotional."

This is waaaay too close to home.  I mean, really, we had a whole goddamn election season two years ago about this.  A whole fucking lot of men can't deal with having a woman in charge.  What a looooong smear campaign that was.

And then they elected the worst example of an emotionally stunted narcissistic man-child the world over.

Not looking so bad now, is she?

---

It's Carrie's weekend up at Aiden's Cabin.  She's finally brought some reading material, even if it is a fashion magazine.  Aiden's hanging out outside when Carrie gets a call inside from Big. 

His movie star girlfriend broke it off and he can't handle it.  He needs some in-person Carrie time, but she's all the way upstate.

"how far?" Big asks.

"45 minutes." Carrie says it like that's far.

Big insists on driving up there, and now Carrie has to tell Aiden that her ex-boyfriend is on the way.

"Did I hear the phone ring?" Aiden asks. "Who was it?"

 "It was Batman." Aiden looks at her like you did not just call him that, "I invited him up. I didn't mean to." She explains the thing about the crazy movie star breaking up with him, and him being upset.

"I don't want him in my house."

She rationalizes that he's not going to be there for long, and he'll go "right back to the city where he belongs."

She just keeps flapping her gums, and he's moving around the porch feeling a building rage that matches the growing storm.

"Come on, haven't you ever had a girl break your--"  oop.

 Just then a peal of thunder rolls between them.

"Well, he better be fucking upset when he gets here," Aiden says, "There better be tears."

"He's got some balls coming up here," says Aiden.

God, this territorial thing is fucking bullshit.

---

In Charlotte's husband's balls story line.  He's agreed to ejaculate in a cup to test his sperm.  After only 3 months of trying.  Charlotte must have really twisted her doctor's arm to get this referral.  They aren't 35 yet, this isn't normal.  It can take perfectly healthy people longer than that to conceive.  Even if they were much older than 35, this kind of testing doesn't happen till at least 6 months of trying. Yes?

Well, his old problem has reared it's ugly head-- or hasn't, as it were-- but Charlotte has come -heh- prepared with a crisp copy of Jugs. "I know how much you like them!" She says.

He is further made insecure by the fact that she came prepared for his inevitable softness. womp womp.  She makes it up to him.  Literally.
--

At Sam's end, She's in another meeting with Richard, absolutely emphatic that she is strong enough to do the PR work without a partner.

Richard says that she is perfect for the job, "but I'm not going to hire you."

"Give me one legitimate reason why not."

"Do I have to say it?" Richard says.  :cough: if he says 'cause you're a woman,' then you can sue his ass Sam.

"Yes. I'd like to hear the words come out of your mouth."

"Okay. You slept with my architect. And I don't want to get into all that."

"Into all what?! It happened a hundred years ago! I barely know the guy!" Sam has a point.

Richard insists that her personal life absolutely affects not only his business but hers too, and he doesn't want such a messy bessy fucking it all up.

You know, he kind of has a point.  She would be a PR nightmare, and she's the PR professional he's looking to hire.

She insists that if she were a man, he'd be buying her drinks and offering her all the jobs and then gets up to leave and is visibly upset.

She runs out of his office, trying to beat the elevator doors before the waterworks start.  Richard is behind her, shouting her name, realizing that he does want to hire her.

Why would he want to still hire her when she's running dramatically out of the office?  How is that professional.

Whatever.  She gets the job.

--

Meanwhile, Big has reached the cabin and it's absolutely pouring rain.  She goes out to chat with him in his car since he doesn't want to get out of it.

He's listening to his and the movie star's song.  He doesn't want to go inside the cabin, he wants to take her somewhere for drinks.  Carrie insists that Aiden will be pissed with her if he doesn't come inside the cabin with her.  Not to mention, according to the show's geography from last episode, they'd have to drive all the way back to Manhattan for drinks since there's no way to have drinks in upstate new york.  Nary a bar.

Big goes inside, finds the fashion magazine that Carrie was reading and starts drinking ALL the wine and reading about his ex-girlfriend who is featured on the cover.

It's awkward.

Big gets so drunk he can't drive home, so Aiden throws a blanket at him and tells him to sleep over.  He is very pissed though.
--

Miranda is still at a loss about Steve.  He's extremely disappointed about the ball surgery.

He'd put all his eggs in one basket, as it were.

Miranda finally does the one thing to raise his confidence.  She has sex on him.

All better.

--
Next morning at the cabin, Big has an epic hangover and Aiden knows it.  He's throwing a basketball against the wall of the cabin.

"What's that pounding?" Big mumble shouts.

"Aiden's shooting hoops." Carrie explains, and forces him to go play with him and make friends.

"What are you talking about? We're middle aged men. We don't make friends." Big says the funniest line in the episode.

Carrie explains that she can't be friends with him anymore if Big won't play nice, so Big realizes his predicament and goes out to confront the Green Bee.

Aiden is not happy.  Big asks to have a go, and so Aiden bounces the ball in the mud, then throws the mud at Big.

MROW Cat fight!

Carrie runs out to see what all the hubabaloo is about and there they are, tackling each other in the mud. 

"Stop it! You're middle aged!"

 Kato-- err, Pete bites Batman in the leg and ends the fight.

Next scene they're sitting around eating breakfast as if they weren't just rolling around in the mud.

"You see," Big says to Aiden and they're all chummy, "she could reach me, but I couldn't get her, see?"

"That's fucked up." Aiden responds.  Carrie looks up from her magazine completely bemused by the two of them.

Narrator Carrie explains that even -she- didn't understand how the storm had passed.  She talks a bit about men and women becoming closer to understanding each other (??).

Big says "Good eggs" and that seems like the perfect line to end such a bizarre episode about balls.

Until next time!

Season 4 Episode 9 Sex and the Country

So, it's come to this.

May. May already.

And also, the beginning of the end of Aiden and Carrie, although they don't know it yet.

This episode is a perfect example of Carrie's problem.  Carrie is unaware of how little she can stand outside her comfort zone.  She says she wants to compromise and make do and try to fit into Aiden's country life, but she also thinks she needs a cup of milk to make a pie from scratch.

So, enough precapping, let's get to the recap!

Aiden surprises Carrie with a picture of the problem du jour.  Now we all knew that Aiden was a little bit country and that he's completely out of place in the City.  Turns out he lives out a little country fantasy life in the deep south of the north. Upstate New York.

Carrie smiles and nods and says "Oh! The place looks great!" But it's written all over her face that she wouldn't want to go there in a hundred years.

"That's the before picture."

"whew!"  He hands her a picture of the after, and it is the same. "Can I see the before again?"  Just a podunk little cabin in the middle of nowhere.  And he's coerced her into visiting this weekend.

She doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.  This is the real him, Carrie.  If you don't like the cabin and all the work he's put into it, you kinda don't like him.

He doesn't see it that way, but he absolutely should.

Anyway, So Carrie has to go to the country against her will.

Miranda has shown up to take the bonafied city girl... somewhere.  It's really just an excuse for Miranda to chat with Aiden on screen (it really is rare that they are in the same scene together) about Steve.  Steve needs to update his in case of emergency file, since Miranda is on it and she need not to be.  Aiden is cryptic and says that Steve needs to talk to her too.

And then Miranda goes insane.  "uh. no. What is he gonna tell me? Now that Jessica's gone he wants to start seeing me again? That he can't stop thinking about me? That he's still in love with me?"

"Steve's got testicular cancer."

"That I'm a horrible selfish bitch."

And she gets the saddest look on her face. Poor Steve!

She totally still loves him.

Speaking of love, Charlotte is doing some sort of fertility yoga when Trey walks in.  I don't really see how limbering up will help her conceive, but it certainly gets Trey's juices flowing.  She cock blocks him though, says they have to wait a few days till she's ovulating.

Well, actually then they probably *should* have sex now, but whatever.  The point is, they are going to be forced to have sex in the "country"-- or you know, Connecticut. At his mother's.

Whatever floats your boat man.

Miranda meets Steve at the park to yell at him and make him cry.  Well, that's not her intention.  He's done zero research about the cancer, his doctors, and what sort of treatment to expect, and Miranda has done her Homework.

Tbh, I'd be annoyed at him too.  How can you be mumbledy age and not know what the stages of cancer refer to? At least basically.  And he was trying to be all casual and she's like it's a big Fucking deal.  Take it seriously.

At the usual brunch, Miranda feels guilty, but she's still pissed off about it.

 Sam defends her, and Carrie says that Miranda just needs a nice relaxing weekend in the country with her and Aiden.

 "I can't go. Steve has Cancer. Somebody has to stay in town and make him feel bad about it."

Charlotte can't go because she's ovulating at Trey's mom's orchid show in Connecticut.

That's just wrong on so many levels.

And Sam is sipping her coffee trying to avoid eye-contact.

Sam also has a very unusual tirade about the term "the weekend."  Apparently every guy she's slept with recently wants to hang out on "the weekend" and she's baffled.  The weekend, according to her, is when she meets new guys so she doesn't have to sleep with the old ones.

Yeah, what assholes, wanting to spend more time with you during the two days they have off from work.

What selfish jerks.

So Carrie has to go alone.

At the Cabin, there's a bobcat outside and piles of stuff covered it tarps.  The cabin looks rough, but not terrible for a few days of roughing it.  I mean, it has indoor plumbing.  and original floors even!

No screens on the windows though, and that really is a non-negotiable. They're gonna be eaten alive by raccoons or mosquitoes or something.


Carrie is wearing probably the least appropriate clothes for deep north cabining. Manolos Carrie? Really?  You don't own a pair of chuck taylors?

Carrie's looking around, 'admiring' Aiden's handiwork, putting on lip gloss, and mentally complaining about how she could be shopping. Suddenly she is startled into actually screaming by a squirrel that's sitting on the window sill eating nuts.  It didn't even land in front of her, it was just there minding it's own business when she starts Screaming and carrying on.

"Oh god oh god!" Carrie is hyperventilating.

"What?! Are you OK?" Aiden thought maybe it was an actual emergency.

"NO! No. Oh my God! There was a huge giant squirrel in that window right there."

Aiden explains that it's his squirrel and he's been feeding it and trying to be friends with it.  She makes fun of him.  "You can't be friends with a squirrel! A squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit!"

Don't tell that to Bob Ross.

Well, instead of being offended, Aiden has sex with her.

After that, he goes to sleep and she's left alone with nothing to do.  She's found an outlet and starts writing her column.  This time about compromise.

"How much of ourselves should we be willing to sacrifice for the other person before we stop being ourselves?"

Carrie. Carrie. Calm down. Sample sale shopping on the weekend is not a personality.
 
And is it just me or did they polish her up for this episode-- she used to be MUCH scrappier.  Now she can't manage to entertain herself without complaining for a few hours?  What does she do at home in her apartment?  She's not meeting her friends and going shopping every day of the week.

For a writer, she has way too much trouble being alone with her thoughts.

Just saying.

And where's her book?  Don't writers read a lot?

These women need hobbies.

The next day, she calls Charlotte while driving through a drive thru.  It's rude.  Like, besides the whole cell phone use while driving thing-- starting a conversation when you know you're about to be  speaking to someone in the service industry and then making them wait on top of it while you finish gabbing.  Effing rude.

That's not even mentioning the "joke" she makes at the poor chap: "I'd like a cheeseburger, large fries and a cosmopolitan."

"What??"

"A strawberry shake please."

Meanwhile, she's just complaining and complaining and complaining at Charlotte about the situation she's in.  The reason she's not at the cabin right now is because there's nothing to eat in the country unless she cooks it herself so she has to drive to New Jersey to get a cheeseburger and cell service.

Aside.  This plot doesn't make any sense.  So, we know the cabin is 45 minutes outside the city, presumably north.  She claims to have driven to New Jersey, which is South of New York probably around lunch time?  She gets back to the cabin that day but has to take a train in to the City to meet with her editor sometime in the afternoon.  This is totally unreasonable, and there *has* to have been not only cell service, but a fucking cheeseburger closer to the cabin.  I mean, she pretty much had to drive past Manhattan to get to New Jersey, right?

OK, I just googled it.  Cause I can't just let it go.  Suffern actually *is* a town an hour north of Manhattan.  Hoboken, NJ is *right outside* of Manhattan, to the north.  google maps lists the drive time between the two as 45 minutes. In fact, she could have driven to where Charlotte is during the episode in the same amount of time.

And now I have a whole new complaint about the thing.  Suffern is nowhere close to upstate New York.  New York is a massive state, and geographically, Suffern isn't even north of the Northern border of Pennsylvania.  It's South of Connecticut.  Apparently in New York City Lingo, anything outside the city is the country and anything north of the City is upstate.

Whatever.

End aside.

The real problem here is she's so woefully dependent on restaurants and convenient stores that she can't even make herself a cheeseburger.  It's not that hard.  Also, she's spending surprisingly little time *at the cabin* and then still managing to complain about it.

 Charlotte talks her down, reminds Carrie that she loves Aiden and maybe she needs to at least try not to be a fucking cunt about it.

Charlotte is in her own compromising situation.  Trey has gone and told his mother about the trying to make a baby stuff, and now Bunny won't let her do anything fun like eat shrimp for breakfast.

Carrie decides that maybe she should try a little bit.  So the next scene she's back at the cabin elbow deep in mud.  She's helping Aiden by slipping in the mud a bunch.

They're attempting to lift a railroad tie to move it out of the way, and they're doing it all wrong.  I'm pretty sure Aiden set up the whole situation to watch her fall down a bunch.  He's got one side all lifted and chest high, and she's trying to lift the other side from a downhill position and can't get traction on the slippery mud.  He should have let her hold the side that's up on dry dirt while *he* lifted the other side out of the mud. Or at least dragged it out of the mud before letting her attempt to lift it.

Finally she's had enough falling down, says she's not actually helping and needs to shower for her editor meeting that afternoon.

Turns out it was a ruse. It's not an editor she's meeting with. Even worse, it's Big.

Sure, it's a friendly dinner they're having, but if Aiden found out, ooooh, he would be pissed.

Like I said, friendly dinner, so after Carrie complains -again- about how she's a city girl stuck in a cabin upstate, Big starts gushing about his dating life.  He's seeing a movie star, and he's in love.

She wants him to stop describing the woman's red panties, but I don't.   nnff.  Sounds hot.

Next scene she's back in the country, but this time she's brought Sam for entertainment.  Sam is miserable.  There's no A/C and Carrie has turned on the oven for the baking of pie.  But she can't bake a pie because she doesn't have milk.

You don't put a cup of milk in apple pie.  This all reminds me of this:

On the other hand, the name of the recipe book she's following is Fucking Amazing: Suffern Succotash!

"Is it hot in here or is it just me?" Aiden asks the room.

"It isn't you!" Sam retorts.  Then she looks out the window and sees a very sexy farmer across the way. "Who's the farmer with the delts?" She asks in the punnest way possible.

"If we're gonna bake us a pie, we're gonna need us some milk!" She says as she ties her top right under her boobs ala Daisy Duke, and goes down to flirt with the sexy farmer.

She asks for some milk, and he takes her to the source and then laughs as Sam tries to milk a cow.  It *is* funny.  Somehow she gets it all over her face, cause of course she does.

And then they have sex in the barn.

Afterward he asks what she's doing next weekend and she just leaves, annoyed with him for asking.

In another country, Charlotte is in her and Trey's room, ripping her tennis clothes off, shouting, "Trey are you up here?!"

"In the bath!"

"It's Time! I'm Ovulating! So get out of the tub! Get into this bed! Make love to me right now!"

Yes ma'am.

She opens the bathroom door and there in front of her bathing adult son is Bunny.

"Charlotte I was just telling Trey how much you remind me of myself at your age."

Charlotte quickly exits the scene and flees to the Orchid garden.

Trey finds her there and he's all nonchalant.

"What were you doing up there?" She confronts him.

"Up where? What do you mean?" He asks.

"What do you mean what do I mean?! Your mother was watching you bathe!"

He tries to explain that they were just having a conversation.

Charlotte is worried that he's going to want her to be that kind of mother, and he assures her that he wasn't raised by his mother and that it really is just a strange bonding thing-- the only bonding thing that he had growing up.

He also assures Charlotte that he knows she'll be a much better, more present mother than his mother was.  And then they do it in the middle of the orchid garden.  She's got her feet up for some reason, I guess it makes the sperm swim better. She knocks over quite a few of his mother's orchids, causing her to lose the orchid contest to her old rival.

oops.

I forgot about Steve and Miranda.

oop.

Miranda is feeling supremely guilty for making her friend the cancer patient cry.  So she invites him to have a Chinese and watch a terrible kung fu movie.  She lets him have the last spring roll and is super extra nice to him.

He sees through her ruse, "That's it, I'm out of here." he says.  He doesn't want to be treated like a cancer patient.

"What are you talking about?"

 "Since when don't you want the last spring roll? You usually eat all the spring rolls.  I'm lucky if I even see a spring roll!" he barks.

She says she's sorry, that she feels bad for being a bitch. He responds that her being a bitch to him got him to get a better doctor, educate himself and deal with it responsibly and he's thankful for her.

d'aww.

"Give me that spring roll." He demands.

--

After his surgery he wakes up and she's there.

A nurse comes by to remind them visiting hours are over, and Miranda demands to stay since she's his in case of emergency person.  That's like, way more important than family. lol.

Steve says she doesn't have to stay, and Miranda ties the episode together by telling him to shut up or she'll give him a sponge bath.

She gives him some juice and the way they look at each other.  Damn.  Do I really need to wait two whole seasons for Miranda to realize he's the one?

damn.

In her last scene at the cabin, Carrie has finished baking the crust for the pie.  She probably didn't have to do that, but whatever. She pulls it out of the oven, and shows Aiden.  He's there to announce his shower intentions, and she's annoyed cause she wanted some help with the apples.

Suddenly the Squirrel makes an appearance.

And she Freaks out and flops her whole body.  Her leg gets burned by the pie pan and she just loses it.

"I hate this squirrel, I hate this oven! I hate... this."

"Just say it, you hate the house."

"I hate the house."

"Thank you."

She goes on about how much she hates it, how she burned her leg, and he lifts her on the counter and grabs some ice cubes out of the iced tea on the counter to soothe her burn.  Well, that's nice, if sticky.

"I'm sorry." She says after calming down a skosh. "I don't hate the house. I hate the Squirrel."

Well, he hates you too, don't worry about it.

Carrie says that maybe she should only come up on the weekend. Aiden decides to compromise, saying that she doesn't have to come back more than every other weekend.  Carrie playfully grabs his hair and says that she doesn't have to come at all.  That's true Carrie.

They kiss and she says that weekends are good.

Was it... established that she was coming more than the weekends?  I thought that weekend trips to the cabin was the whole point?  Did I miss something?

Doesn't he work during the week?

Whatever.

Back in the City with Sam, they're eating apple pies from McDonalds and wondering why anyone would actually want to bake their own pies.

Just... really?

Whatever.

Idiots.

I'm done.

See you next week!

<3