I'm sorry guys, it's been a really long time since I did one of these (again!). It's been 6 weeks. But ya know, the first two don't count cause I wouldn't do one so soon after doing another. so, it's been 4 weeks, really. And there was that trip to Hawaii that ate up a few weeks. so, it's really been 2 weeks. And I had to recover from trip. And then school started this week so I was busy with getting the kids ready. So really it's only been a few days since I last snarked.
The episode starts out with Carrie on a date with Burger. Apparently it's a great date, but I don't believe her.
pictured: Carrie's date
There's a cute little montage of all the little firsts they have together. All the little flirtings. There's this fantastic display in Bed Bath and Beyond of all the shower curtains in the store, one in front of the other. Would be neat, but absolutely not how anyone displays shower curtains in any store, ever.
There's so much kissing.
The restaurant staff at the last stop in the montage started turning off the lights while they were blissfully making out. I would be mortified.
I feel like Carrie didn't used to be like this, waiting until the 4th or 5th get-together before boning. But wait she did and now she wants him in her "bed bath and beyond... immediately."
And... it's awful. It's so quiet, and there's no chemistry and it's awful. All that lead up and no payoff.
Honestly, I feel like that's a good metaphor for their entire relationship, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
---
Next scene the foursome are at a restaurant called "Raw" featuring foods that are, well, raw. And I know from listening to the commentary that the show pretty much single-handedly killed the raw food movement with this one episode. Good for them!
They're waiting around the bar for a table and talking about what this whole thing is, and Miranda is having none of it.
"People! The emperor has no oven!" Miranda has the best line in the episode.
Carrie's tired from her very late night with Burger yesterday. Everyone starts to congratulate her and she immediately puts a stop to it. Ok, she says it was "fine" and as they're walking to their table, the other three are waiting for the bomb to go off. Highly relatable content, let's be honest. 'I don't want to talk about it', proceeds to dump for the next 20 minutes.
Charlotte tries to 'Pollyanna' the whole thing, "If the kisses were good, the sex will eventually be good."
"I'm not worried. I'm not worried!" Carrie lies.
"How quiet was it?" Miranda prods.
"It was so quiet that at one point I heard the M11 bus. I heard the doors open, I heard people getting off."
"Well at least someone was getting off... And speaking of!" Sam looks up at the waiter. It's Smith! Ok, for now it's the Waiter. I am not going to lie to you, I did a Freudian slip here and typed "The Waitress" at first and I'm sorely tempted to roll with it, but I won't.
I adore The Waitress. He's so good for Sam.
Sam cannot keep it in her pants, but she's a good egg and refrains from picking him up till later on in the episode. It's a girls night and she's not an asshole.
After The Waitress tells them the specials, Miranda says that she's "going to need a pizza after this." I love Miranda.
And they try the soup and it's bad. it's bad. All of them hate it:
"It's like lawn in a bowl." Miranda jokes.
"Maybe some things should be over 118 degrees!" Carrie has a point.
[This is personally funny for me cause we have a joke in the house about cooking (the kids have been interested in learning to cook for the past few months and Zac loves bonding with them over it) that all you do is "add heat." Apparently at this restaurant they skipped that step.]
"like sex for example?" Sam pokes the bear.
"Can we please forget I said anything? seriously." I swear Carrie can dish it but she can't take it. boy.
Carrie begs the table for anyone else to take the floor and Charlotte steps up to the plate (pun intended!) with her news of becoming a Jew.
OK, I know I said it before that the show becomes very tight after the 3rds season or so, but sometimes it feels so... plastic, so inauthentic, in its execution. This scene is so cringe, as the kids would say.
I do appreciate that Charlotte asked her friends not to 'react' cause she's happy with her decision.. but everything else can fucking go. The music stopping for a few beats, the looks of everyone stifling giggles? I don't even know. And they don't really giggle or anything, it's weird. it's just weird. It's a nice set up, I suppose, to let the audience know what's in her docket for the episode, but the joke? lands completely flat.
Charlotte feels the need to extrapolate on her decision to convert. That Harry is wonderful, says what he means, makes her feel safe and like she can be herself around him. All Very Good Things.
"But yourself is Episcopalian." Miranda chides. I don't get this. Is she Ever shown at church? doing anything religious? yeah, I didn't think so. Plus, ya know, the whole Jews for Jesus thing... I don't think it's mutually exclusive? I might be out of my depth here, as an atheist.
I haven't ever seen anything wrong with Charlotte converting to Judaism for Harry. Non-troversy as the kids say.
(no one says that)
After that horrendous dinner, Carrie and Miranda go off to get a few slices of pizza. Miranda brags about her new boyfriend, TiVo. Oh, 2002! How quaint.
"You've traded Steve-o for TiVo." Carrie jokes.
"We don't talk of Steve-o anymore." Miranda can also not take it despite being fully willing to dish it.
Miranda goes on a little about the show TiVo recommended to her called "Jules & Mimi" this absolutely horrendous melodrama from BBC America (it's a fake show, I know it's a fake show) featuring a pale lady and her black suitor. It's supposed to be a foreshadow for Miranda's next boyfriend. But I just spoilered it. oop.
Miranda says that this episode, they're finally going to have sex, and Carrie wishes them 'good luck.' Man, when Carrie has bad sex she just brings everyone down with her.
"Carrie, it was the first time." Miranda tries to calm Carrie down, "and sometimes you have to work at it."
"Have you ever had to work at it?" Carrie asks.
Yes. Yes we have. We all have. You don't just fuck someone and know everything about what they like or don't like. it can be awkward, and silly at times. There can be noises, and strong dislikes for things. Rude surprises. Messy surprises. I could go on.
Miranda passes the buck by saying "I'm dating a digital recording device." so.. uh, yeah. Samantha is giving all of these people unrealistic expectations of what fucking casually actually can be like.
"Well I have never had to work at it with someone I really like," Carrie lies.
"You should probably keep that to yourself."
Carrie goes on a bit, talking about her disappointment. and Miranda sympathizes and says "People should tell it like it is. First time sex: tricky. Non-dairy vegan ravioli: kindergarten paste."
Writer Carrie cries about "sexpectations" and it only barely feels like it belongs here. For example, she says "dating in your mid-thirties should be called 'waiting for the other shoe to drop.'" and describes two things: bad sex and becoming a Jew, "Why is it always something?"
These things have fuck all to do with each other. Having high expectations of a relationship and then being let down because the first time was not good is not the same thing as learning that your future husband's non-negotiable is that he can only marry a Jewish person so you make an informed decision to convert. Becoming Jewish is not a negative thing.
Is this show antisemitic?
I am not the one to make that call, but it's not looking good right now. Let's drop it and move on.
---
I love that they show Miranda's TiVo recording list.
Poirot, the Daily Show, Crossfire, and Jules & Mimi. Good stuff.
And we, as the audience, get to watch Miranda watch TV.
We'll leave her to that.
Well, actually, I'll just sum up now cause it's not that deep. As expecteds, something goes wrong with TiVo. Magda, her maid, had accidentally sat on the TiVo remote and all the recordings are gone! Including J&M the morning after! oh no! D:
She has a hell of a time trying to fix it, until Steve-o comes to her rescue and gets it working again. She's left alone with the baby and the repaired TV and her mixed feelings about her deep love of the man who fixes things for her.
Narrator Carrie sums up for us, "Some things, like a broken TiVo, are easy to repair. And others, like a broken heart, are a little more complicated."
---
Charlotte goes to the synagogue to meet with the rabbi. She's all dressed up, polite as all get out.
"We're not interested." The rabbi says before slamming the door in her face. and then when she knocks again, another man comes to the door and nods and smiles as he, too, slams the door in her face.
Apparently, Harry explains later on that evening as they're getting ready for bed, "It's the game. It's part of the process. Traditionally they reject you three times to make sure you're serious."
So, it's like fight club?
Also, is this real??
"Suddenly Charlotte understood. They were playing hard to get. They were 'rules' rabbis." Narrator Carrie explains.
Charlotte is not deterred. "I can play that game. I invented that game. No man rejects Charlotte York."
"I don't care what any rabbi says, you are my chosen person." Harry says, and tada! They're married now! that's how that works, yes?
Charlotte, in her end, ends up forcing her way into the rabbi's house! He's sitting down to dinner with his entire family! and it's incredibly rude, but also very funny.
"OK Charlotte," the rabbi acquiesces, "Lesson number One: You have to give it a rest. Because it's about to be Sabbath, the day of rest. You wanna be a Jew? sit. watch. learn."
She just about refuses them with an excuse about meeting her boyfriend and it would be hilarious if she did. "I can skip it." And just before they start the prayer, her phone rings.
How embarrassing.
It's fine though, they let her stay.
---
Carrie decides to give it another go with Burger. How can two people be so good everywhere else and so bad in bed?
She doesn't know, and it continues to be very bad.
"Dump him." Sam is onto something. "Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me."
"Is that the saying?" Carrie replies. They're shopping for lingerie together. At La Perla. V. Fancy.
Sam is trying to find something for the seducing of The Waitress, and Carrie thinks that lingerie will save her own sinking relationship.
Sam thinks it's not a good idea for Carrie and Burger to talk about their bad sex and that is just horrendous advice. I'm usually on her side about stuff, but here? oh my, no.
"When it comes to sex, spray it, don't say it." She just has her own little sayings for things now.
"OK, that was unnecessary." I think we can all agree with Carrie.
Sam suggests dirty talk, and Carrie can't do that sober. So Sam tells her to get absolutely loaded in order to fuck good. What the what is this? This is terrible advice.
Sam also suggests sexy shoes.
"I don't wear furry shoes." Carrie shoots that down.
"They're not for you they're for him." Sam says.
"He mostly wears loafers." Second best line in the episode.
Are you sure I can't talk to him about it?" Carrie asks. Honey, sweety, baby, why tf are you asking your least functional friend in relationships for relationship advice? Sam continues to press that it's not a good idea to talk about sex.
They end up choosing the same outfit, which is weird. that's weird, right?
---
We follow Sam back to the restaurant, Raw, where she is competing with a few other tables full of women who are all vying for The Waitresses attention. One by one, the contestants fold until Sam is left with one other lady. Threesome? no?
The other woman decides to order another cup of something cold and terrible and Sam has had enough with the shenanigans. She walks up to her and tells her that she's a Professional and there's absolutely no way she's getting with The Waitress.
He does indeed go home with her and what follows is a montage of "the best sex Sam's ever had," featuring several positions, the sun coming up, and her chair on he bed. Cause after you've done it all, you end up putting a chair on the bed. XD
Ironically, after all that, he tells her a secret: "You didn't have to order all that shit. I was ready to go home with you last Tuesday."
"Now you tell me, I ate a fucking cactus. Get back down there and make it up to me!" and he does, like a champ.
---
Carrie's end is hilarious and stupid. XD
They both get Very Drunk before heading back to her place. They are literally falling all over the place. Carrie drunkenly talks about the sexy shoes she has and the lingerie under her clothes, but she's so drunk it's just not going to happen. It's the kind of drunk where you're confident, but stupid. Hell, we've all been there. No good comes of being there. Burger gets hit in the face by a furry shoe and Carrie falls into her closet.
In the morning, they realize that not only did they not have sex, but they need to do something about their failed fucking.
Burger tells her to go grab something that might help. He grabs the salt and pepper shakers to make it more like a restaurant and she grabs the furry shoes.
"We should talk about it." They both agree. And then they fall on each other and fuck good. finally.
the last scene is of the shoe, the furry one, falling ever so gracefully on the floor.
get it? cause the shoe dropped.
That's it for me! Overall, it was a fun episode. I don't know about all that they implied about converting to Judaism being the same as having bad first sex, but I'm not a sex columnist, so.
