It would almost be a betrayal to separate these two episodes any further, they are so related. This should almost be called 'sex and the country part 2.'
Miranda, Sam and Carrie are hanging out at a Pool hall with Aiden and Steve celebrating Steve's cancer win. Not that he won cancer, but that he defeated it! woohoo!
Samantha is up to stick. (Cued up?)
"I only have one ball left" Sam gloats, inconsiderate of the situation.
Maybe they should have picked a place with *fewer* balls to celebrate Steve's lack of extra ball. :cringe:
Steve exits the embarrassing situation right before Sam sinks the 8 ball, and Sam's friends chide her on her lack of sensitivity.
She forgot, naturally.
Apparently the cancer winner is left feeling like a loser because of his lack of symmetry.
Aiden, as the only testicle-having person on the scene, expresses his own insecurity if he was ever left with just one ball. None of the other women really get it, they're just happy he didn't, you know, die from cancer.
Carrie compares ball-having to purse-having, but I'm pretty sure they missed a great opportunity to compare this loss to something that would really matter to a woman-- her breasts.
On the other hand, breasts mean a lot to men too, so perhaps an expensive handbag *is* the right level of comparison since none of the women seem to have any idea why it would matter if the man she was with only had one ball.
Just then, a guy walks up to Sam. She doesn't recognize him and the situation is very humorous.
"Samantha Jones." The man says.
"Hey! How are you?!" Sam replies way too excitedly so you can tell she doesn't recognize him.
"Great!"
"Everyone this is uhm-"
"Allan. Allan Jannis."
"Allan Jannis. Right! We-"
"-fucked!"
"Fucked! Right! I knew I knew you!"
She asks how he is in a more suggestive way. He tells her all about the Richard Wright hotel he's just finished designing. Sam, who is a PR professional looking to drum up new clients, explains that she's been trying to meet with him for months. She gets him to get Richard Wright to call her.
I mean, that's one way to network: Sleep with a guy, forget you slept with a guy, see him randomly in a bar and use him to get a job with his boss.
Speaking of his boss. Richard Wright. Sam's Holy Grail.
Remember her search for the perfect dick from season one and two? Well, finally it's finally gonna pay off!
In an episode about balls even.
Look no further than his *name.*
But I'm getting a-head- of myself.
This episode's theme is men and their insecurities, -not- Richard Wright and his perfect dick. We'll get to that much later.
So for now we get to explore the men's insecurities. In excruciating detail.
Charlotte, who didn't go out to celebrate with Steve for some reason, is at home with Trey. She's a bad wife and ordered a Chinese. Over their mu shu, Charlotte decides to bring up their so-far failed attempts at successfully baby making.
She suggests that Trey get his sperm tested. She should have said "testied." I would have.
He pretty much shuts completely down. For one, he thinks it's inappropriate to talk about over dinner. (OK, so when is it appropriate to talk about sperm?) For two, it's only been three months, and for three: "Why would you just leap to the conclusion that the problem is me!?"
three months.
Three Months.
God, she is annoying.
And I know annoying.
I Invented annoying.
Charlotte explains that it's easier and less invasive to test the man, that she doesn't think there's anything wrong with his 'strong scottish sperm.'
--
On the other side of town, Aiden and Carrie are both brushing their teeth in tighty whities. I guess it's supposed to look like they're familiar and comfortable with each other, but Carrie in tighty whities is so uncomfortable and unflattering. Based on the last episode, I would assume she wears nothing but the silky lacey stuff. And these aren't even comfortable Hanes cotton briefs-- these are bordering on those 20-year-old pair of underwear you can't get your middle-aged husband to throw away. You know, the ones where the elastic has worn out and there are holes everywhere and they're that awful shade of grey?
Gross, Carrie. Don't wear old man underwear.
And she's also wearing a bra that's like 3 sizes too large for her that looks like it belongs on a grandma.
In the middle of everything the phone rings and Aiden picks up.
"Bradshaw house of pain, how can we hurt you?"
Jokes on him: it's Big.
He needs to whine to Carrie about his movie star girlfriend from the last episode.
She takes the phone into the walk-in closet and shuts the bathroom door to chat. Which sounds weird, but remember her walk-in is situated in the middle of her house between the bathroom and bedroom/living room/kitchen area. So really, she just walked to the rest of the house *from* her bathroom. Her walk-in is a glorified hallway. It's a hallway with drawers and shelving, which is an excellent use of efficient space in such a tiny New York Apartment.
ahem.
Big's problem with movie star is summarized thusly: "She can reach me. I can't get her."
Oh how little sympathy I have for him. I spent a little while yesterday reading some mid-season 2 recaps-- you know, for neurotic reasons like noticing all the little spelling errors and typos I made 2 years ago-- and Big was the hugest asshole to Carrie back then during their second go-around.
He was just gonna move to Paris without letting her know about it.
Excuse me if he doesn't get off that easily in my book.
Carrie doesn't really understand what the big deal is with him and the movie star, but that phrase is repeated, "She could reach me, but I can't get her, Ever."
The more important part of this episode is not that Big is feeling insecure, but how Aiden reacts to Carrie hiding in the closet to talk to her ex-boyfriend.
He goes absolutely nuts about it.
"Why'd you take the phone in there?" He asks.
"Cause I know you don't like him calling here. So."
"Carrie, you tell me nothing's going on, nothing's going on." Oh, it SOUNDS like he's A-OK with this. just wait.
"I don't want you to feel threatened."
"You think I'm threatened by him? I could take him. I'm just saying, It's like the time Batman and the green hornet got in a fight. Everybody expected Batman to win cause he's got the gadgets and the cape and shit. But the green hornet had the moves. See, I'm the green hornet, I got the moves. Plus, I got Pete, and he's like Kato. Aren't you boy? Hey Petey!"
And then Aiden just runs out of the bathroom playing with his dog, totes cool that Carrie was talking to Batman on the phone in her underwear.
---
Steve wants Miranda to go ball-shopping with him later. He's heard about a plastic surgeon who does fake-balls for dudes. She is so not into that scene at all. She's trying to tell him that women sincerely don't give a shit about scrotum size, but he's really still feeling really terrible about the whole thing, so she acquiesces and goes along.
The surgeon talks a bit about ball sizes (with absolutely no measurements given) so Miranda guesses he'd be a medium?
"yeah? I was thinking large." Steve responds.
"Well, I'm really not an expert. Large then."
"Medium, really?" Steve is feeling insecure.
"A large-medium, Steve." Miranda is going above-and-beyond trying to protect his feelings.
And then the surgeon says some hot-button words like 'clinical trial' and 'market clearance' and 'it's perfectly safe I assure you' And Miranda the Lawyer shuts the whole thing down.
"He says it's perfectly safe." Steve says.
"That's what they said about the Pinto. You want a Pinto near your penis?"
At Brunch with the foursome, Carrie brings up the idea of maybe putting Big and Aiden in a room together to sort out their differences. None of the other three think this is a great idea.
Then, in turn, the others bring up their menfolk and issues with *that area.* It's enough to make anyone scream.
"Geez! What is it with that area! It's like a minefield!" Miranda screams.
Carrie writes in her little laptop about her friends "...body image depression, unpredictable mood swings, late night phone calls obsessing about a relationship. Did I mention these are my male friends?"
Oh so clever Carrie.
You know, in my old age, I've come to realize that men are WAY more emotional, insecure, and irrational than women.
I mean, the whole red pill shit alone. Now that Incels are in the main-stream media, and now that that whole men's reddit/4-chan/8-chan subculture is all over the news, can we stop pretending that women are the irrational half of our species?
please?
No? Women still get to be called the emotional and irrational ones?
:rolls eyes:
---
At Sam's meeting with Richard Wright, he's a real ball-buster. He's enjoyed the interview, but would prefer if she worked his Public Relations schtick alongside a man. She doesn't buy it and wants the job alone, and she calls out his sexism.
"You might want to consider working alongside someone who isn't so... emotional" He tactlessly says while shoving a tic tac in his mouth.
"Emotional is just code for 'I don't want to hire a woman.'" Sam says to her friends in the next scene.
Miranda is all over this topic. As a lawyer at her firm, she resents that the men above her would think she'd cry over a legal brief.
"Well, have you ever cried over a brief?" Everyone wants to know.
"Certainly, but only in the privacy of my own office." she says matter of factly.
"I cried once at the gallery." Charlotte says, "Once. In ten years. And from that day on it was 'careful don't make Charlotte cry."
Sam has *never* cried at work. And she's proud of it.
Carrie fake-cried to her editor to get out of a deadline and go to the Hamptons.
"A guy gets angry at a meeting, he's a pistol. A woman? She's emotional" Sam gets back on track.
"If I'd say anything like, 'I don't think that's hung high enough' they'd say 'ooooh, careful! don't make Charlotte cry!'" Charlotte falls of the track.
"What does he think I'll do? Get my period and ruin his empire?!" Sam continues.
"Yes. Men. Wait, let me rephrase that. Some Men--" Miranda begins
"Good Move Counselor. That will look much better on the court transcripts of this Dinner." Carrie says, unaware of the fact that I am in fact taking the minutes of their dinner.
"Some men," Miranda continues, "are threatened by strong businesswomen and they have to find a way to make her be just a woman again. Hence, you're too emotional."
This is waaaay too close to home. I mean, really, we had a whole goddamn election season two years ago about this. A whole fucking lot of men can't deal with having a woman in charge. What a looooong smear campaign that was.
And then they elected the worst example of an emotionally stunted narcissistic man-child the world over.
Not looking so bad now, is she?
---
It's Carrie's weekend up at Aiden's Cabin. She's finally brought some reading material, even if it is a fashion magazine. Aiden's hanging out outside when Carrie gets a call inside from Big.
His movie star girlfriend broke it off and he can't handle it. He needs some in-person Carrie time, but she's all the way upstate.
"how far?" Big asks.
"45 minutes." Carrie says it like that's far.
Big insists on driving up there, and now Carrie has to tell Aiden that her ex-boyfriend is on the way.
"Did I hear the phone ring?" Aiden asks. "Who was it?"
"It was Batman." Aiden looks at her like you did not just call him that, "I invited him up. I didn't mean to." She explains the thing about the crazy movie star breaking up with him, and him being upset.
"I don't want him in my house."
She rationalizes that he's not going to be there for long, and he'll go "right back to the city where he belongs."
She just keeps flapping her gums, and he's moving around the porch feeling a building rage that matches the growing storm.
"Come on, haven't you ever had a girl break your--" oop.
Just then a peal of thunder rolls between them.
"Well, he better be fucking upset when he gets here," Aiden says, "There better be tears."
"He's got some balls coming up here," says Aiden.
God, this territorial thing is fucking bullshit.
---
In Charlotte's husband's balls story line. He's agreed to ejaculate in a cup to test his sperm. After only 3 months of trying. Charlotte must have really twisted her doctor's arm to get this referral. They aren't 35 yet, this isn't normal. It can take perfectly healthy people longer than that to conceive. Even if they were much older than 35, this kind of testing doesn't happen till at least 6 months of trying. Yes?
Well, his old problem has reared it's ugly head-- or hasn't, as it were-- but Charlotte has come -heh- prepared with a crisp copy of Jugs. "I know how much you like them!" She says.
He is further made insecure by the fact that she came prepared for his inevitable softness. womp womp. She makes it up to him. Literally.
--
At Sam's end, She's in another meeting with Richard, absolutely emphatic that she is strong enough to do the PR work without a partner.
Richard says that she is perfect for the job, "but I'm not going to hire you."
"Give me one legitimate reason why not."
"Do I have to say it?" Richard says. :cough: if he says 'cause you're a woman,' then you can sue his ass Sam.
"Yes. I'd like to hear the words come out of your mouth."
"Okay. You slept with my architect. And I don't want to get into all that."
"Into all what?! It happened a hundred years ago! I barely know the guy!" Sam has a point.
Richard insists that her personal life absolutely affects not only his business but hers too, and he doesn't want such a messy bessy fucking it all up.
You know, he kind of has a point. She would be a PR nightmare, and she's the PR professional he's looking to hire.
She insists that if she were a man, he'd be buying her drinks and offering her all the jobs and then gets up to leave and is visibly upset.
She runs out of his office, trying to beat the elevator doors before the waterworks start. Richard is behind her, shouting her name, realizing that he does want to hire her.
Why would he want to still hire her when she's running dramatically out of the office? How is that professional.
Whatever. She gets the job.
--
Meanwhile, Big has reached the cabin and it's absolutely pouring rain. She goes out to chat with him in his car since he doesn't want to get out of it.
He's listening to his and the movie star's song. He doesn't want to go inside the cabin, he wants to take her somewhere for drinks. Carrie insists that Aiden will be pissed with her if he doesn't come inside the cabin with her. Not to mention, according to the show's geography from last episode, they'd have to drive all the way back to Manhattan for drinks since there's no way to have drinks in upstate new york. Nary a bar.
Big goes inside, finds the fashion magazine that Carrie was reading and starts drinking ALL the wine and reading about his ex-girlfriend who is featured on the cover.
It's awkward.
Big gets so drunk he can't drive home, so Aiden throws a blanket at him and tells him to sleep over. He is very pissed though.
--
Miranda is still at a loss about Steve. He's extremely disappointed about the ball surgery.
He'd put all his eggs in one basket, as it were.
Miranda finally does the one thing to raise his confidence. She has sex on him.
All better.
--
Next morning at the cabin, Big has an epic hangover and Aiden knows it. He's throwing a basketball against the wall of the cabin.
"What's that pounding?" Big mumble shouts.
"Aiden's shooting hoops." Carrie explains, and forces him to go play with him and make friends.
"What are you talking about? We're middle aged men. We don't make friends." Big says the funniest line in the episode.
Carrie explains that she can't be friends with him anymore if Big won't play nice, so Big realizes his predicament and goes out to confront the Green Bee.
Aiden is not happy. Big asks to have a go, and so Aiden bounces the ball in the mud, then throws the mud at Big.
MROW Cat fight!
Carrie runs out to see what all the hubabaloo is about and there they are, tackling each other in the mud.
"Stop it! You're middle aged!"
Kato-- err, Pete bites Batman in the leg and ends the fight.
Next scene they're sitting around eating breakfast as if they weren't just rolling around in the mud.
"You see," Big says to Aiden and they're all chummy, "she could reach me, but I couldn't get her, see?"
"That's fucked up." Aiden responds. Carrie looks up from her magazine completely bemused by the two of them.
Narrator Carrie explains that even -she- didn't understand how the storm had passed. She talks a bit about men and women becoming closer to understanding each other (??).
Big says "Good eggs" and that seems like the perfect line to end such a bizarre episode about balls.
Until next time!
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