Often have you heard that told.
Many a man his life hath sold
But my outside to behold.
Gilded tombs do worms enfold.
Had you been as wise as bold,
Young in limbs, in judgment old,
Your answer had not been inscrolled
Fare you well. Your suit is cold—
Cold, indeed, and labor lost.
Well, now that we're all depressed! Let's jump in!
This episode is a continuation in theme of the season 3 duo where Carrie and the gang go to Los Angeles. We've learned that it's not what's outside that matters, but are we sure it's not what's outside that matters?
Let's discuss.
Aiden has begun renovating the apartment next door while Carrie does nothing to help. You know, except freak out that he's begun throwing hints about getting "Maui'ed" and Carrie is having none of his nude punning. Dude. If a guy nude-punned at me like that, I would jump his bones! And then marry him.
And I did.
12 years later, he still puns at me nude. Best.
Carrie needs an out, just for this evening unfortunately, so she calls Sam who is also dying to get out of the house too since she's caught monogamy from the other three. She's been waiting all evening for Richard to call her back "5 minutes later"-- yeah, that's not a good look on her.
Sam turns the two-way call into a four-way call, and it blows everyone's minds. Remember when people used to say "the new millennium?" good times.
They all decide to go dancing at a gay club.
It's loud and proud and all in their faces.
Sam is counting dicks and taking a hit of ecstasy.
Miranda has run into a co-worker in the bathroom. Apparently, New York businesses don't have to have women's restrooms if the clientele of its business is mostly male. mmkay. Miranda promises that she won't out him at the firm, then casually mentions that she's pregnant, so now they're both vulnerable.
OK, but Miranda *does* have to tell her bosses that she's pregnant-- she can't carry on like this and expect it all to work out. Later on she sites potential loss of good cases, loss of good office, and other perks as reasons to keep it quiet, but at this point she's starting to show, and she needs to get her ducks in a row as far as maternity leave goes. Her workplace is required not to screw her over or discriminate. You know, by law. Yes? I'm not crazy here, right? You'd think a law office would be terrified of litigation.
Carrie has met a guy who apparently just gives people he likes discounts on shoes and gives her some gay porn. I'm not clear on his job. Either way, he becomes her loophole to monogamy and the sticking point of her plot line this episode. His name is Oliver, and he's Australian. He is very cute. He's agreed to hang out with Carrie for this episode and then never show his face again.
Charlotte runs into her best gay-friend, Anthony. Well, Anthony and his date du jour who happens to be a design editor for House and Garden magazine.
"Omg, I love that magazine! I used to wear my mother's pearls and flip through it when I was little!" Charlotte exclaims.
"Me too!" Design Editor matches her enthusiasm.
Anthony mentions the amazing job that Charlotte did turning 'the place where plaid went to die' into an incredible apartment. To Anthony's chagrin, Charlotte and Design Editor are gushing over the possibility of putting Charlotte's beautiful apartment in the magazine.
"You are pretty," Design Editor says to Charlotte, "Wanna dance?"
"Swell" Anthony says to Carrie, "I get em all wound up, she cashes in." womp womp.
--
When Carrie gets home she's still drunk and wants to get laid, but Aiden had too many pieces of fried chicken. womp womp.
Carrie thinks it's about her. Or really, them. They have very different ideas of fun. This is accurate, if you have wildly different schedules and completely different lifestyles, it can be a problem.
Also, Aiden asked her to rub his belly.
Sam has sex with Richard while high on ecstasy. She tells him that she loves him and then freaks out about it when she comes back down.
She's taking the walk of shame and talking on the phone with Carrie.
Carrie: "You told him you loved him?"
Sam: "It was the X talking, all I wanted to do was have sex!"
Carrie: "OK OK, and then what did he say?"
Sam: "Nothing he just went to sleep!"
Carrie: "Ooof"
Sam: "If he was any kind of gentleman at all, he'd pretend it never happened"
Carrie: "So, do you love him?"
Sam: "Oh, who the hell knows?! Carrie. It makes you giddy. I was in love with the taxi driver, the doorman, his sweater!"
Carrie: "But you only said it to Richard."
Sam: "I am never taking X again. It is a dangerous Dangerous drug."
Say no to drugs kids! It makes you an idiot!
The real issue here is that she really *is* in love with Richard. She can stifle it all she wants, but it's catching up with her and wreaking havoc. She doesn't love well, she's completely out of practice. And if he does act like it never happened it would hurt worse than if he acknowledged it.
What we have here is a lose-lose situation.
Carrie is out at brunch with her new gay-boyfriend. They are discussing loopholes to monogamy. Oliver talks about how he's allowed to exchange blow jobs with other men and his boyfriend won't mind. Carrie complains that straight couples have no such blow job loopholes. She finds it a little limiting that 'till death do us part' is the only one we have.
Oliver talks about how he knows monogamous gay couples, but he doesn't want to expect so much from one person. He and his boyfriend acknowledge reality. But then he backs off a bit, and points out her engagement ring and says he shouldn't be talking about loopholes with someone who's about to tie the knot.
"What's with you and this ring?" she asks.
"What's with You and the ring?" he replies, "You haven't even mentioned him."
The camera zooms up to her face while she attempts to describe him, and it's a little sterile. It's telling. And then she criticizes her own fiance by complaining about his idea of a great night-- a bucket of chicken and sports.
Uh, Carrie. Shut up. I don't like sports either, but like his cabin and his punning in the nude, that's Who he is.
Her gay husband, Stanford, shows up and is suspicious. (Remember back when she decided to marry Stanford in order to get all the money? ah, good times!) When Oliver goes to the restroom, Stanford asks if she's cheating on her fiance with the beautiful man.
Carrie tells him that the beautiful man is gay, and Stanford says, "Fine! Have your brunch with your beautiful man and then go home to your other beautiful man. Greedy Greedy Greedy!"
Carrie writes in her laptop about her fears of settling down, "Why are some of us reluctant to let go of our single lives? Is single life in New York such a constant flurry of fun and friends that settling down immediately fills us with the urge to shake things up again?"
No. Carrie, you just don't want to marry him.
--
Miranda is dealing with real issues now. One of her partners at her firm has come into her office, woken her up to tell her about 'casual Friday,' and then winked at her and said 'congratulations.' So. She knows.
There's only one person who could have told her.
She confronts him in his office.
"Did you tell Celeste I was pregnant?"
"Okay. Yes. But only in your defense. This morning she was telling everyone that she saw you sleeping under your desk a couple of times and she thought you might be alcoholic or bipolar or something."
"So you told her I was pregnant?"
"Isn't that better?"
"No, not at a lawfirm." Fucking Really? Is this true? I'm so beyond suspicious of the experiences Miranda has that would convince her that her partners would really treat her worse for being pregnant than an alcoholic. I mean, I do get it a little bit. Women who have children are definitely at a disadvantage, especially when they prioritize family over work.
And now that I think about it, men have children all the time and aren't treated this way.
Carry on, Miranda, you definitely have a Valid point here.
"Sorry. I told her it was a secret!" the narc explains.
"She can't keep a secret. She's probably told everyone in the office by now. How would you feel if I told everyone that you were gay?"
She chose the exact moment that Celeste walks in to finish that sentence, and now essentially, everyone in the office knows.
Oooop.
At Carrie's house later, they're all watching porn. Charlotte's brought biscotti, didn't know 'independent film' meant gay porn. Charlotte isn't in the mood for gay porn, so there's a record scratch.
"Not in the mood for gay porn?!" Carrie exclaims.
Charlotte explains that Trey doesn't seem to care about the House and Garden spread, that he doesn't care about the things that she cares about. Anthony is the only one who cares about it.
Gay men apparently care more than straight ones.
"Oliver's taking me to Bungalow 8 tomorrow night!" Carrie explains. Ah, remember Bungalow 8? It's like the Studio 54 of the early 2000s.
"It sounds like you're cheating on Aiden with a gay man." Miranda points out, and Carrie says that it's the gay boyfriend loophole. Geez Carrie, you don't have to sleep with someone for cheating to occur.
"I accidentally outed by gay-boyfriend at work, and then he outed me. Even my gay relationships are disfunctional." Poor Miranda.
"Here's the thing" Carrie explains her problem, "Aiden loves to stay in, and I love to go out. And he's OK with it. It's either the greatest relationship ever or we're headed--"
"For separate bedrooms like me" Charlotte's marriage is still a fake fendi. She further explains that they are so far apart, that Trey is content with it, and she still wants what she wants and she feels terrible about it.
She's done talking about it, so it's back to gay porn.
I really don't get the appeal of gay porn for women, but to each his own. Killjoy, I am.
Sam confronts Richard at work next day. He's acting like a gentleman, pretending she never said the thing that they both know she said.
She brings it up, and he explains that he knows she was high on X. "Believe me, I've been there." He says, but it's at that point that she knows what we all know.
But instead of acknowledging it and potentially shaking up her relationship to get what she wants, she swallows her feelings and agrees to continue seeing him, casually.
--
At Charlotte's, she's explaining to Trey about the photo shoot in the morning and her expectations of him. He didn't think that he'd need to be there, and Charlotte says that it's what the magazine wants since they look like the perfect couple.
"I don't want to do this." Trey says.
"It's just one picture, and it's important to me." Charlotte explains.
"No. This." He says. "I don't what to do this anymore. You are so angry at me."
"I want a baby. I thought that that's what you wanted too." She says.
"So did I."
"I don't think I should have to give that up."
"You shouldn't. You can have the apartment. I'll move in with mother."
"OK." She says, throwing out the rule of three, you know the one where you reject a gift several times before you graciously accept? Yeah, she knows what this Park Avenue apartment is worth.
--
Carrie is going out with her gay-boyfriend. Aiden has finished up for the day and wants to tag along, surprisingly. Carrie doesn't let him, claims that she doesn't even know if he can get in, since you need a key.
"A key! Why do you buy into that bullshit?" he asks.
Why, indeed!
He says that she might have trouble getting back home, since you need a key. Lolz.
While out with Oliver, he says that he could have gotten Aiden in, and Carrie says that it is "So not his scene."
"Well then you have to break it off with him, this is bungalow 8, darling!"
"Oh you're right! Whats a relationship compared to a trendy night with strangers?" She jokes but.. holy shit, that's the entire theme of the episode.
The trendy night with strangers-- not so great. She's starving, and her gay boyfriend is distracted by other gay people and their large shoe sizes. Her gay-husband shows up and heavily flirts with her gay boyfriend and it's about this time that Carrie realizes she has a wonderful man at home and for the first time all week, nay all Season, she actually wants to go home to him.
---
At Charlotte's, at the photo shoot the next day, she has to break the news to Anthony. Anthony says she's a strong woman and they can do it without him. He's another one of those good friends on the show, like Sam.
"Honestly you're the best catch ever. Look what you did to this place. You could take any guy off the street, fix him up and turn him into something wonderful. Not for nothin,' but you deserve more than that stick-up-his-ass preppy, that's all I'm saying."
They walk back to the dining room, Anthony is about to announce that it'll just be Char, when from the other room you hear a booming voice,
"Alrighty, we ready for the picture?!" And you know it's Trey doing one last nice thing for his wife.
Narrator Carrie narrates "Trey had moved out by the time the magazines hit the stands. But all over America little girls in their mothers' pearls saw the picture and thought 'That's what I want."
"That's the thing about relationships," Narrator Carrie continues, "sometimes they look prettier from the outside, and what's inside can be different than it seems."
Is there a lot of dust in here or have I just not watched this episode in many many years? that was intense.
Tune in next time to see if Aiden can break through the wall she's got up.
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