But before we get to the fun stuff, we have to slog through some sexy times with Carrie.
She and the Jazz musician are busier than Charlotte and Trey were in the last episode. Carrie is enjoying herself, but the love man. She's never had such good sex with anyone without loving them first.
And it's a problem, cause of course it is.
The bigger problem that I can see, is that he is constantly running from one thing to another. He has a billion instruments in his apartment that he can't actually play, and the music that's playing in the background is as shattered and unfocused as the *broken mirror he has hanging up on the wall.* This guy is a MESS.
At dinner with the gals, Carrie is complaining about how sexually compatible she is with the Jaaaazz Musician. (I've changed his name from Pork Pie because reasons). She's got the news tonight: The most mind-blowing orgasm she's ever had in her life.
Miranda, always the cheese, announces that she's on strike till conditions improve. The only one being affected is her. womp womp.
Sam tops everyone by bragging about being a lesbian. Good for her. Everyone is just stunned, not necessarily about the lesbian thing, but that she used the word "relationship."
Sam does not do relationships, just like Joey doesn't share food. It is known.
She reminds them to kindly wipe the shock off their faces cause here comes Maria from off scene. "I see you told them," she says out of the side of her mouth. I see Sam's friends forgot to wipe the shock off their faces.
whoops.
Miranda, Charlotte and Carrie go off into the night to rudely gossip about Sam's apparent change of sexuality. They have some not-so-nice and slut-shamey things to say about it.
"How does that work? You go to bed one night, and wake up the next morning, and poof you're a lesbian?" The SEX COLUMNIST asks. She should know that, huh, yeah! Some people's sexuality is mutable.
"I forgot to tell you, I'm a fire hydrant." Miranda forgot to include a punchline.
"yeah, I'm a shoe. I always wanted to be one and, poof, now I am." Carrie doesn't have a soul. She couldn't possibly be shoe.
These aren't sexual orientations. You're part of the problem.
"I don't think she's a lesbian. I think she just ran out of men." Charlotte you can do better. I know you can.
"When you go on strike, you don't eat pussy!" Miranda shocks everyone. Maybe if she did go on a few dates with women, conditions would improve.
Carrie ties everything together with the meat of her annoyance-- SHE had the big news of the night. Her mind-blowing orgasm should be the talk of the town. This is mind-numbing. No one curr, Carrie.
--
Later that night, Trey and Charlotte meet at the foot of the marital bed to see if Trey can get it up.
Turns out, he can.
whoot!
Now that the penis problems are behind them, Charlotte wants to move back in. She can't just broach the subject so she asks what he's thinking.
"I'm thinking I've never seen my John Thomas so hard." I'm thinking John Thomas has got to be the funniest euphemism for penis I've ever heard.
"What were you thinking?" He asks as Charlotte secretly regrets wanting to move back in, I bet.
"I dunno. Should I... Do you... Are we ready to-"
"-Go again? Houston we don't have a problem."
As Trey's John Thomas re-enters Charlotte's orbit, Charlotte is deflated.
---
Carrie is in her apartment, shirtless. She's brushing her teeth and the Jaaaaazz Musician rings her bell. But just then, the phone rings. It's Sam. She's offended that they went off and talked about her and Maria for several blocks the other night. Sam is deeply hurt that they don't take her seriously, it's not about the sex of the person, it's the person of the person.
"She's got passion, intelligence--"
"--a vagina?" Carrie interrupts.
"oh, vagina shmagina!" Sam makes light.
"shmagina, is that what the lesbians are calling it?!" Carrie can't help herself.
Sam defends herself, saying that she and Maria haven't even had sex yet, and then says something that she'll come to regret: "Life is not all about sex." And Carrie counters, "tell that to her shmagina." She does have a point.
As Sam explains that her new relationship is important to her, the Jaaaazz Musician enters the apartment and starts going down on Carrie. It's super rude. Like, dude, stop. She's on the phone.
Sam sort of notices something is off, but after a half-hearted/half-moaning assurance from Carrie, she continues talking about her girlfriend.
--
Carrie, next day, writes in her little laptop about sex and relationships. They seem inversely related. Or not. fuck that.
It still doesn't solve her intimacy problem. She decides to have a conversation with her fuck buddy, the Jaaazz Musician (is that getting old yet?). You know, now that I think about it, turning him into a fuck buddy would be the PERFECT solution in all of this. He clearly doesn't know how to hold a conversation with Carrie without changing the subject a hundred times, and Carrie's clitoris seems to think he's the one.
And he seems a much better fuck buddy than her previous one:
RIP: Carrie's fuck buddy.
--
Speaking of fuck buddy, Sam and Maria finally make love on each other.
Well, it doesn't start off that well, Sam moans her way down to Maria's boceta (that's Portuguese for pussy, and a quick googling shows it *actually is* Portuguese slang for pussy. weird.), and Maria admonishes her: "this is not a porno flick" and then teaches Sam the right way to make love to her.
As you do.
--
Miranda is meanwhile attempting to control her sexual desire by ordering chocolate desserts. She is shocked when the waiter tells her the price of one cake is $74.50. At that price, you might as well just pay for sex. ><
So, she decides instead to buy a box of cake mix and frosting courtesy of Betty Crocker.
Then the fun music starts, and we get a great montage switching between Miranda eating slice after slice of her cheap yummy cake, Trey and Charlotte fucking all over their apartment ("Trey I'm on the Mallard!"), and Carrie and the Jazz Musician porking.
--
The next morning, to Carrie and Miranda, Charlotte is complaining about how Trey won't ask her to move back in. "We make love all over the apartment and then in the morning I get up and get in a cab and go home just like a Park Avenue Hooker." ahem, Pork Avenue.
Miranda asks why she can't bring it up.
"No! We've finally got the penis working, I don't want to scare it!"
Carrie tells her friends that they need to talk to Sam about her relationship, since she was so miffed about them not taking it seriously last time.
"Oh please!" Charlotte balks, "She's not having a relationship, she's just doing this to bug us."
As far as Carrie knows, Sam hasn't had sex yet. She says as much, that it must be serious. But as soon as Sam walks up and Charlotte asks about her relationship, Sam dives right into very vivid details about her new sex life with Maria.
I am just rolling here with amusement:
"Did you know that when a vagina gets engorged, it expands to the size of a fist? It's like a fabulous cave..."
"I guess they've had sex." Miranda comments.
"...And we have *three* holes down there!" Sam continues.
"Ok, stop talking about your relationship." Charlotte pumps the breaks.
"But it's fascinating! There are places a dick just can't go!" Sam explains.
"Well some dicks manage just fine." Carrie says.
"Please, Maria has ten dicks." Sam waves her fingers around.
"I'm sorry a finger is not a dick." Carrie reminds Sam that she took basic anatomy at one point in her life.
"Yes, a finger is more like a third of a dick, so technically Maria has 3 and a third dicks." Miranda recounts her fingers to be sure.
"I can tell you right now that this:" Sam mimes a penis going straight in with a sad expression on its face, "is not the same as this." Swirling finger with an interested fun look on its face.
Charlotte's face has gone from morbid curiosity, to shock, to disgust, and she waves Sam's fingers away.
I just have one thing to say about this whole conversation. Men have fingers too. And tongues, and palms, and any number of things that women have. There *are* some things that women have that men don't, that are quite amazing in their own right, but Sam didn't mention them and it makes me roll my eyes a little bit. For how entertaining she is describing her sex-life, she isn't even saying the most fun, shocking things she *could be* saying.
Just sayin'.
--
Like I said, Carrie tries to get to know the Jaaaaazz Musician, and he changes the subject about a thousand times. It is frustrating. She realizes that her clitoris' pick for 'the one' is someone suffering with ADD.
I'm not getting into that throwaway line. I don't know enough about ADD to make jokes about it, so I won't. I know people who actually have it don't like it being taken lightly, so I won't.
Suffice to say, Carrie can't even have a conversation with him, so she asks him to "play her" and he's more than willing to keep their relationship all about sex.
...Until the next morning, when he offers her water but then goes to play a banjo instead. She nopes right out of there and narrator Carrie talks about enjoying music with a tune she can sing to.
--
Charlotte is not willing to keep her relationship all about sex either. She mentally gives Trey one last time to bring up the moving in thing, and instead he asks her to measure his John Thomas. "What? No!" She escapes the room in disgust to go take a shower.
Narrator Carrie sums it up nicely as horror opera music plays in the background, "As Charlotte lathered up, she really started to get lathered up. Who did he think he was? He was her husband and she was his wife. What the hell was going on in this upper east side nightmare!?"
Hair soaked and sudded, Charlotte runs back to the bedroom and starts lashing out at Trey:
"Trey!" She barks him awake, "I'm tired of being married to your penis! I'm a person and this is supposed to be a relationship! And I am done walking on eggshells! ooooh don't talk about moving in in front of the penis cause it might go soft. The penis likes this, and the penis doesn't like that and the penis wants to be measured!"
"Well, it was just a thought." Trey says lamely.
"Well here's another thought! You can shove this marriage up your ass!"
"Charlotte don't go."
"No. I'm going home... I hope you and your penis have a very lovely night!"
---
Finally Miranda has reached her end. She is so absolutely sick of herself. She has eaten more than half of the chocolate cake and decides to throw it in the garbage. But right on the top. So she sneaks back into the kitchen and pulls a George Costanza:
Finally Miranda calls Carrie's machine (she's still knee deep in the Jaaaaazz Musician) to tell her that she's just eaten cake out of the garbage, "You'll probably need this information when you check me into the Betty Crocker Clinic." Then she squirts Dawn all over the top of her garbage, thoroughly ruining her chocolate cake.
She finally relents, ends the strike and brings out her trusty vibrator. This is confusing, what the hell does masturbating have to do with not going on dates with men? Whatever.
And why couldn't she just eat the rest of the cake? treat yo self!
--
Trey comes to Charlotte's door and asks her to move back in with him. It's sweet.
"I talked it over with my penis and we both agree. I don't want to lose you again. Charlotte York MacDougall, will you remarry me?"
"Yes Trey MacDougall I will remarry you."
That's the end.
Hope you all have a lovely Galentine's day next week! <3
Speaking of fuck buddy, Sam and Maria finally make love on each other.
Well, it doesn't start off that well, Sam moans her way down to Maria's boceta (that's Portuguese for pussy, and a quick googling shows it *actually is* Portuguese slang for pussy. weird.), and Maria admonishes her: "this is not a porno flick" and then teaches Sam the right way to make love to her.
As you do.
--
Miranda is meanwhile attempting to control her sexual desire by ordering chocolate desserts. She is shocked when the waiter tells her the price of one cake is $74.50. At that price, you might as well just pay for sex. ><
So, she decides instead to buy a box of cake mix and frosting courtesy of Betty Crocker.
Then the fun music starts, and we get a great montage switching between Miranda eating slice after slice of her cheap yummy cake, Trey and Charlotte fucking all over their apartment ("Trey I'm on the Mallard!"), and Carrie and the Jazz Musician porking.
--
The next morning, to Carrie and Miranda, Charlotte is complaining about how Trey won't ask her to move back in. "We make love all over the apartment and then in the morning I get up and get in a cab and go home just like a Park Avenue Hooker." ahem, Pork Avenue.
Miranda asks why she can't bring it up.
"No! We've finally got the penis working, I don't want to scare it!"
Carrie tells her friends that they need to talk to Sam about her relationship, since she was so miffed about them not taking it seriously last time.
"Oh please!" Charlotte balks, "She's not having a relationship, she's just doing this to bug us."
As far as Carrie knows, Sam hasn't had sex yet. She says as much, that it must be serious. But as soon as Sam walks up and Charlotte asks about her relationship, Sam dives right into very vivid details about her new sex life with Maria.
I am just rolling here with amusement:
"Did you know that when a vagina gets engorged, it expands to the size of a fist? It's like a fabulous cave..."
"I guess they've had sex." Miranda comments.
"...And we have *three* holes down there!" Sam continues.
"Ok, stop talking about your relationship." Charlotte pumps the breaks.
"But it's fascinating! There are places a dick just can't go!" Sam explains.
"Well some dicks manage just fine." Carrie says.
"Please, Maria has ten dicks." Sam waves her fingers around.
"I'm sorry a finger is not a dick." Carrie reminds Sam that she took basic anatomy at one point in her life.
"Yes, a finger is more like a third of a dick, so technically Maria has 3 and a third dicks." Miranda recounts her fingers to be sure.
"I can tell you right now that this:" Sam mimes a penis going straight in with a sad expression on its face, "is not the same as this." Swirling finger with an interested fun look on its face.
Charlotte's face has gone from morbid curiosity, to shock, to disgust, and she waves Sam's fingers away.
I just have one thing to say about this whole conversation. Men have fingers too. And tongues, and palms, and any number of things that women have. There *are* some things that women have that men don't, that are quite amazing in their own right, but Sam didn't mention them and it makes me roll my eyes a little bit. For how entertaining she is describing her sex-life, she isn't even saying the most fun, shocking things she *could be* saying.
Just sayin'.
--
Like I said, Carrie tries to get to know the Jaaaaazz Musician, and he changes the subject about a thousand times. It is frustrating. She realizes that her clitoris' pick for 'the one' is someone suffering with ADD.
I'm not getting into that throwaway line. I don't know enough about ADD to make jokes about it, so I won't. I know people who actually have it don't like it being taken lightly, so I won't.
Suffice to say, Carrie can't even have a conversation with him, so she asks him to "play her" and he's more than willing to keep their relationship all about sex.
...Until the next morning, when he offers her water but then goes to play a banjo instead. She nopes right out of there and narrator Carrie talks about enjoying music with a tune she can sing to.
--
Charlotte is not willing to keep her relationship all about sex either. She mentally gives Trey one last time to bring up the moving in thing, and instead he asks her to measure his John Thomas. "What? No!" She escapes the room in disgust to go take a shower.
Narrator Carrie sums it up nicely as horror opera music plays in the background, "As Charlotte lathered up, she really started to get lathered up. Who did he think he was? He was her husband and she was his wife. What the hell was going on in this upper east side nightmare!?"
Hair soaked and sudded, Charlotte runs back to the bedroom and starts lashing out at Trey:
"Trey!" She barks him awake, "I'm tired of being married to your penis! I'm a person and this is supposed to be a relationship! And I am done walking on eggshells! ooooh don't talk about moving in in front of the penis cause it might go soft. The penis likes this, and the penis doesn't like that and the penis wants to be measured!"
"Well, it was just a thought." Trey says lamely.
"Well here's another thought! You can shove this marriage up your ass!"
"No. I'm going home... I hope you and your penis have a very lovely night!"
---
Finally Miranda has reached her end. She is so absolutely sick of herself. She has eaten more than half of the chocolate cake and decides to throw it in the garbage. But right on the top. So she sneaks back into the kitchen and pulls a George Costanza:
Finally Miranda calls Carrie's machine (she's still knee deep in the Jaaaaazz Musician) to tell her that she's just eaten cake out of the garbage, "You'll probably need this information when you check me into the Betty Crocker Clinic." Then she squirts Dawn all over the top of her garbage, thoroughly ruining her chocolate cake.
She finally relents, ends the strike and brings out her trusty vibrator. This is confusing, what the hell does masturbating have to do with not going on dates with men? Whatever.
And why couldn't she just eat the rest of the cake? treat yo self!
--
Trey comes to Charlotte's door and asks her to move back in with him. It's sweet.
"I talked it over with my penis and we both agree. I don't want to lose you again. Charlotte York MacDougall, will you remarry me?"
"Yes Trey MacDougall I will remarry you."
That's the end.
Hope you all have a lovely Galentine's day next week! <3
No comments:
Post a Comment