So, enough excuses!
Carrie and Big are going out on the town together, having a ball.
Wait a minute-- :record scratch: -- did we go back in time a season and a half? No?
Carrie and Big are just friends now?
That question mark there is incredibly loaded.
So, I guess after some birthday balloons and a lobotomy, Carrie thinks Big is a positive force for good in her life now.
At the end of their we're-just-friends-now-I-promise-non-date, Mr. Big is edging himself up her stoop, as the kids call it, and she is resisting. He acquiesces, and they banter a bit. It's cute.
--
Charlotte and Trey meanwhile are going to parties and restaurants all over town and Charlotte is allowing Trey all up in her stoop (and in her parlor, which I hear is what the rich kids are into). Better than Tide Pods for sure. They are being completely obscene and inappropriate all over Manhattan. It's hot. Charlotte is trying to enjoy her new love life, but is confused about the state of her relationship with him. Also she can't enjoy it because it isn't missionary in bed.
"This is a very happy development" Carrie says when Charlotte brings everything up at brunch the next day.
"No, No it's not. We're not even together anymore!" Charlotte complains.
"Doesn't sound that way to me." Miranda says plainly.
"We're supposed to be getting to know each other again, not, not--"
Sam interrupts: "-fucking against a hand dryer?"
"It's so confusing," Charlotte continues, "Are we dating or are we back together? Is he my boyfriend or my lover? Or My ex-husband whom I have sex with occasionally with in coat rooms?"
"I'm going with 'D' all the above." Carrie advises.
Sam brings a bit of good advice, "Who cares what you are, just enjoy it!"
But she can't. She wants to define what they have together. For all the fucking they're doing around town, they still haven't managed to do it in their marital bed where all the problems started.
Carrie brings up that she went out on the town with Big last night and Miranda nearly has a conniption, she goes full-on sarcasm mode and I'm right with her. Carrie is so so defensive, clearly she wouldn't mind letting Big up in her parlor, and Miranda sees right through her denial.
Carrie doesn't think she needs to define her relationship with Big, you know, since Charlotte didn't have to, but Miranda won't have it: "Charlotte married the guy."
"We're undefinable!" Carrie is fighting three negative Nellies (and me).
"She's sleeping with him." Sam enters full-on sarcasm mode as well.
"No." I guess if my friends were being real with me when I was stuck in a fantasy, I'd be a little annoyed with them too.
"It's a slippery slope Carrie." Miranda tries.
"Yeah, who knows? We might actually :gasp: have fun!" Carrie has entered full-on sarcasm mode as well.
"Have fun, just don't have amnesia!" Sam figuratively slaps Carrie on her bottom.
Sam, Charlotte, and Miranda are at a lesbian art show.
While Miranda and Charlotte are complaining about Miranda's new boyfriend, Jim Gaffigan, and his lack of boundaries, Sam is getting hit on by the lesbian artist. She's a Portuguese lady named Maria who is smitten by Sam.
Well, Sam is annoyed that all the pieces were bought out from under her, and so Maria invites Sam to her studio to pick one out herself.
nice.
--
So, I wanted to chat about Miranda's boyfriend here. It's one of the most memorable boyfriends she has, and it is effing hilarious because apparently I'm twelve and bathroom humor appeals to me.
It's funny that he is so memorable, because all told, I think he has half a line.
Miranda, Ms. Boundaries, is dating Mr. No Boundaries. He pees in front of her. She'll be brushing her teeth and he'll whip it out and just start peeing. In the toilet at least, but it is driving her up the wall.
Her friends suggest she lighten up. Which is all well and good, but I don't think that it is good advice at ALL. Miranda ends up doing her own pee-pee business with the door open once, but this seems to escalate her problem.
While she's making coffee in the last scene with him, he full on takes a poo while he's talking to her from the open-door bathroom. GROSS.
And open-door dump is a dump-worthy offense!
--
Carrie ignores her friends' advise to be more cautious with Mr. Big. They go out to a jazz club. Carrie doesn't like Jazz, but she does like what she sees in the club. There's a sexy bass player in a cheesy pork-pie hat that she's openly flirting with next to her ex. Mr. Big is so not in the mood to share her. He acts surly and annoyed.
At the end of the evening, Mr. Pork Pie suggests they all take a cab together rather than Mr. Big's car, and Mr. Big is having the worst attitude problem.
"Cabs are bullshit," he says under his breath so only Carrie can hear. She's trying to scrape together a halfway decent impression of herself for Mr. Pork Pie, and Big is open-door shitting all over it.
Big continues to sabotage Carrie by getting out of the cab at her stop, and Carrie is pissed. She doesn't want Mr. Pork Pie to think that they're together.
Then Mr Big openly mocks him in front of her and she's livid. It isn't a very nice side of Big, jealousy.
He's still trying to flirt with her and be silly, and she is full-on serious mode.
"We need to figure out what we're doing here." She demands.
"What are we doing?" He asks sarcastically.
"What are we?" She affirms.
"We're friends, how's that?" He's pretending he doesn't know what she is asking.
She pretends right back, "What kind of friends?" Here's a thought Carrie, Stop asking him and tell him what you want him to be in your life. Stop letting him lead and you define the relationship.
"Friends who listen to jazz, friends who eat pizza, friends who" He does an eyebrow dance here and it's infuriating, his tone.
She turns him down again, and he riffs on Mr. Pork Pie again.
"Carrie likes a jazz man!"
"I'm going upstairs."
"Suit yourself." Then as she walks up to her door, he starts walking away scatting a jazz riff and laughing. It's kinda like a cartoon.
Carrie gets a call a few minutes later, and it's from the jazz man. Instead of saying hey when she answers, he puts the phone against a speaker playing jazz music.
So she can always associate him with robo calls and waiting-to-talk-to-a-human calls.
"When I hear this song, I think of you. I don't even know you. How fucked up is that?" He says rather than Hello. What if she lives with her sister? You are batshit, guy.
She is taken in and smiling so wide. "That's good." She says lamely.
-Someone- is on her other line, and Carrie switches over. It's Mr. Big wanting to chat. She says she can't, and he asks if someone is on the other line. She says there is.
"Pork Pie?" he asks. And it is one of the few times in this episode I laugh -with- him and am not fuming at him. I don't like Mr. Pork Pie really at all. I always kind of assume he doesn't smell very good.
And I really hate jazz.
But it isn't what he says, like so much of Mr. Big, it's HOW he says it. But this time it was funny.
"Carrie likes a Jaaaaazz Musician."
"I'm hanging up!"
She gets back on with Mr. Pork Pie, and he invites her out on a date that weekend. He makes sure to tell her NOT to invite Mr. Grumpy Pants, and Carrie actually defends Mr. Grumpy-- uh, I mean Mr. Big. Either way, she's going out with Pork Pie -without- her ex, like a normal, functioning human being.
And immediately after they hang up, Mr Big rings in again.
"What do you like about him anyway?" He asks in lieu of an introduction.
"He knows when to say goodbye."
---
Sam is at Maria the artist's house. They are painting and making art together. Sam was a little surprised by it, but Maria insisted. She's a very funny, interesting character, and I have to admit that I like her.
Maria is kind of, sort of flirting with Sam. She's playfully making up Portuguese words and being fun. When Sam shows off her wrecked manicure, and goes to wash her hands, Maria tries to come to the rescue. She holds Sam a little too closely, if you know what I mean.
Sam tells her kindly that she isn't a lesbian and isn't into women or relationships in general, but says that she does want to be friends with her and Maria agrees.
"In my country, a friend is someone who has a big heart and who buys a lot of my art."
"What's portuguese for working it?"
"Working it." :winky face:
---
Charlotte and Trey are getting it on in the back of a taxi. They are several blocks away from his apartment, but Trey can't wait. They are heavily making out and Trey is insisting she take off her panties.
Charlotte immediately puts the breaks on. She insist they can wait the "five stupid blocks" so they can do it in bed like normal people. And then she insensitively brings up his penis problems--
"Not in front of the driver!" Trey shh's his wife.
"No, you just wanted to have SEX in front of him!!" And she gets out of the cab and leaves him there.
Trey finally gets it though. He calls her up a little later and asks her, "So if we were to say, make love in my bed, can we still do it in a taxi?"
"We'll see."
"Alrighty then!"
It's a deal! Woohoo!
--
In the final scene, everyone who's anyone is at the opening to a new restaurant. Pork Pie is there with Carrie, and Sam is there with Maria.
Big is there with his new super-model girlfriend. Now it's Carrie's turn to be a smidge jealous. But this woman is kind of an idiot.
Big introduces her, and I'll just transcribe the closed captioning cause it's just as funny as just hearing it:
"This is Sha." Big says.
"Sha?" Carrie asks.
"The Y is silent." YSha explains
Reminds me of this:
And then YSha says "Ok." And follows her with a perplexed Big, rolling his eyes, in tow.
It's so so awkward, the six of them at the same table.
Carrie asks for a refill on her wine, and as Pork Pie is reaching for the bottle, Big snatches it and starts filling up her glass. Pork Pie makes eye contact with Sam, who is following the entire scenario with irritation toward Big.
Pork Pie excuses himself from the table, "I'll be back."
Big mocks him at Carrie -again- and she leaves the table as well to follow Pork Pie to the bar.
Pork Pie has found himself a bowl of crab meat, and he's offering some to Carrie as she walks up.
For some reason everyone in this scene is calling Crab Meat "Meat Crab" and I can't get over it.
He tells her that the table is bad and he doesn't want to go back, and so they stick around at the bar for awhile.
It's a good plan, too, because some amount of time later, at the table Big is like, "Good thing we weren't fucking hungry." So you know they've been waiting awhile for food.
YSha goes to the bathroom and Sam takes the opportunity to make it real clear to Big how much of an ass he's being.
"Yes Ma'am." He says, but he knows she's trouble.
"So, if you're just friends, What exactly do you think you're doing? Because that girl might come off like she's all strong and over it but she's fragile. And she's my best friend. So I suggest you back off."
Good Friend Sam.
"Can't we all get along?" Big makes me roll my eyes.
Sam says "excuse me" but what she really means is "fuck you." and she leaves the table.
Maria witnesses the exchange and is floored. She follows Sam to tell her that she is gonna go, that she lied when she said she could just be friends with her.
"What I saw back there... You... You were magnificent... and I see where this is going and you don't do relationships and it would be very bad for me."
"So we can't even be friends?"
Maria reaffirms that she's way into Sam, but no, and goes into the bathroom to cry or pout or something. Instead of going back to the bad table, Sam follows Maria into the bathroom. She stiffly turns Maria around like she's terrified and mannequinnly kisses Maria. It's so stiff, but I guess that's supposed to be passion.
So, now Sam is a lesbian.
According to the show it's like that, anyway. I'll never understand the way the media portrays this type of thing. A person can't just be bisexual: when they date women they're a lesbian, and when they go back to dating men they're straight. It's infuriating.
Meanwhile, YSha is in the other bathroom snorting coke. She's neglected to lock the door and Carrie just walks right in. YSha is not the least bit surprised, and offers a bit to Carrie who declines. YSha asks if Carrie needs to actually, you know, use the facilities, and she doesn't.
"Oh thank god." Ysha says while she's pulling down her panties to pee in front of her.
And we've come full circle.
The episode ends right outside Carrie's house. She and Mr Pork Pie are chatting and scatting (but not pooping). They're talking about jazz and then they're kissing.
Narrator Carrie decides that what ultimately defines a relationship is another relationship.
Like, I guess so, but it isn't that precise.
Actually, it isn't like that at all.
Stay away from Big, Carrie. He's bad for you.
That's all! I really really hope to do another episode next week!
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