If I were to name this episode ala Friends, I would call it "The one with all the Assholes."
It begins with Miranda waiting patiently for her blind date to show up. This is the scene where she calls Carrie to complain that she hasn't been stood up since she's 27 and I won't go into that whole grammar black hole again.
((but seriously, does anyone say since "I am age?" when they aren't that age anymore?))
She's really upset though. He is clearly a no-show. She got all dressed up in a really pretty, flattering, orange and gray dress. She is about to give in and have dinner out of the freezer when she asks Carrie out. Carrie can't go out because she chose Friday night to get in her 3 hour work week. How is she always on deadline? She writes one article a week. To be fair, she's preparing for her lecture that she's teaching in the morning. Maybe she should have spent more time on it. More on that in a bit.
So, Miranda, bolstered by her pretty dress and being a mature 30-something, decides to call up her date and give him a piece of her mind. He doesn't answer. His mother does. She's about to rail into her when mother interrupts to say that her son died today.
So, I think he's excused from the blind date. And for some reason she agrees to go to his wake.
---
Charlotte and Trey are meanwhile learning to have sex on each other. It is rather unsuccessful, and Charlotte is getting very frustrated.
At breakfast the next day with the foursome, they have a great exchange. Sam has invited the foursome to go to some great new club, Samba, next weekend.
Sam: "I could only get us a four-top. do you think Trey would mind staying home?"
Charlotte: "No. He doesn't seem up for much these days."
Carrie: "Charlotte, is everything OK?"
Charlotte: "We've been trying, you know, to--" :gesticulates with hands:
Sam: "Fuck?"
Charlotte: "Whatever. And it's just not--" :embarrassed facial expression:
Sam: "Getting big and hard?"
Carrie: "What is this, dirty Mad Libs?"
Then Charlotte shamefully admits that she almost masturbated, but she didn't, cause she's so fucking repressed.
Sam jokes, "Hey, You almost masturbated, Trey almost got it up, together you almost had sex!"
Then they have a small, serious conversation about how masturbation is normal and she shouldn't feel ashamed.
Charlotte even points out the ridiculous double standard she's holding herself to, that he can read porn and masturbate all he wants, but she is ashamed to.
Then Sam wisely points out that Trey has a classic Madonna/Whore complex about his wife. He doesn't see her as a sexual plaything but as a virginal wife, and it is so unhealthy I just want to scream. I admire Sam's delicate touch.
--
That night, Carrie is teaching a seminar on how to meet men.
OK, not fair I know. This is *just* before that becomes a thing.
She gets completely caught off guard when the women in the audience ask for -specifics- in how to meet men. How very dare they! Because in preparation, Carrie had just written up a witty introduction and that was it.
She's the WORST.
Later that evening while writing in her little laptop, she wonders if maybe it's her single status that makes her unqualified to teach the women how to meet men. I don't think that's it. I mean, look at Sam. She meets men all the time.
---
Carrie decides to go to the wake with Miranda to support her friend. It is nice of her. Miranda laments the fact that even in his early thirties, he had made preparations for his own demise. I know this is nit picking, but how would she honestly know if he had this all planned out? It sounds like he was successful, and his mother is still alive, so someone was available to take care of his affairs, I doubt he planned his funeral.
Either way, everyone is freaked out. It isn't typical of successful people to just drop dead at thirty. At the gym even.
I bet it was drugs.
Just sayin'.
Even in a room full of strangers, Carrie knows someone. It's her old boyfriend, Jim. He seems funny and outgoing, and very friendly to Miranda. Carrie is really standoffish, and Miranda asks why as he's off getting them drinks.
Turns out, he's an asshole.
Well, he became one after they broke up. An important distinction. Miranda is still shaken about losing her most recent date to pharmaceuticals, and asks if Carrie would mind if she went out with Jim.
Carrie doesn't mind, but she can't say she didn't warn her.
---
Charlotte is beyond frustrated about her husband. And Sam has absolutely no tact when discussing getting lucky. At their next breakfast together, Sam is gloating and Charlotte finally boils over.
"I'm telling you, we almost broke the bed!" Gloats Sam.
"You can't break a bed." Charlotte hisses.
Miranda teases, "What does this stallion do for a living?"
"I'm not sure." Sam says.
"Hey does he go to Mickey Mantle's?" Carrie is still upset that she had no valuable advice for her critics.
"You got me." Sam clearly doesn't want details about his life.
"How can you not know anything about him? You slept with him." Straight-laced Charlotte interjects.
"I fucked him. He made me come six times. That's good enough for me."
"Stop it! Why do you always have to talk about sex like that?!"
"Because I can!" Sam is adamant
Charlotte goes on to lecture Sam on how sex is something special between two people who love each other and blah blah blah.
Sam holds her own. She's not going to be lectured by a woman who's just jealous.
"OMG, you're such a-" Charlotte begins to slut shame
"A what? What am I Charlotte?"
"When are you gonna learn that you can't sleep with everything that comes along!?"
"Hey Mrs. Softie, at least I'm getting laid!" ooo. low blow.
Charlotte leaves and Sam yells at her that she can forget Samba.
The other two are hiding behind their menus, they are not getting involved. Sam finds their avoidance offensive and disinvites them from Samba too!
so there!
--
Later on, Carrie takes Charlotte shopping for sexy underwear. They are at the sleaziest lingerie shop ever. Carrie points out that maybe they should be shopping somewhere upscale, like La Perla. I definitely agree, but Charlotte does not-- she wants to be someone else in this endeavor. Sounds... healthy.
"I wanna be 'call girl meets Park Avenue.'" Charlotte explains.
"Then you're gonna need to pair that with a nice, little cardigan." Carrie is always joking about serious things. It may eventually turn her friends off-- oop, spoke a minute too soon.
Charlotte asks her to take this seriously, that she needs Trey to see her sexually. Carrie tells her that she isn't sure that she wants to see Charlotte sexually and that this is much more a "Samantha job."
Charlotte needs a break from Sam, and Carrie points out that Samantha wasn't the only one ruining her breakfast.
Christ, she is so selfish.
Charlotte, rightfully, tells her that she doesn't need any lectures from her friends. And Carrie is left feeling like a failure.
--
Miranda has a great first date with Jim. Although, based on their dialogue, you wouldn't know it. If someone new to me were talking about how in the past they were in a band called "uncle ted's ass" I wouldn't be inclined to kiss them in between sentences.
Miranda later gushes to Carrie about how nice and sweet Jim is and that maybe in the last 8 years he's changed. She invites her to come out with her and Jim, and Carrie begrudgingly agrees.
The third wheeling doesn't go very well at all. Jim can't contain his assholishness, rubbing into Carrie about how much of a shoe-shopping, asshole, non-supportive girlfriend she was.
On the other hand:
Miranda defends Carrie, and they both leave. He can't contain himself and yells at them that they are such assholes.
Carrie can't help it. "I told you so. I TOLD you so."
Miranda quips, "You're such an asshole."
--
Charlotte decides that her friends are all terrible, so she has a lunch with her old friends from her old Sorority, Kappa Kappa Gamma. They are exactly like Charlotte: friendly, sweet and woefully repressed.
Woman #1: "Congratulations on your wedding! Welcome to the married old gals club!"
Woman #2: "He is so handsome, oh my god. I would like to trade my husband in for him, please."
Everyone titters like she said something funny. Charlotte is feeling awkward, and is currently getting day-drunk. She thinks that maybe they'll understand her plight. You know, cause they're married.
Woman #3: "I remember being a newlywed. We hardly ever got out of bed."
Woman #1 chides Woman #3 for being so crass.
uh, Charlotte, I think you may have the wrong audience for this.
"My husband can't get it up."
She downs the rest of her third Martini, as the others look on in horror.
"I'm so frustrated."
"Charlotte?" Woman #2 tries to stop the outpouring. oh no oh no, here it comes.
"I mean, don't you ever just want to be really pounded hard? you know? Like when the bed is moving all around and it's all sweaty and your head is knocking up against the headboard and you feel like it might just blow off? Dammit I just really want to be fucked, you know? Just really fucked!"
Narrator Carrie summarizes nicely, "The only heads blowing off were those of Kappa Kappa Grandma"
"Charlotte," Woman #1 begins, "This is really inappropriate."
Woman #2 continues, "yeah we're eating."
"What's wrong with you, Charlotte. You're such a--" Woman #3 echos Charlotte's earlier sentiments about Sam.
"What? What am I Woman #3?" That's literally what she says.
Then Charlotte leaves, realizing that her old college friends had become 'frenemies'.
Frenemies though? Is that the right word? Sam and Charlotte are frenemies, sure. They are quintessential frenemies-- what with their opposing view-points on, well, nearly everything. These women are uptight assholes, and not even remotely on Charlotte's side about anything.
--
As for Sam, she'd abandoned her friends in search of new, shinier friends elsewhere. Well, actually she has a run-in with a woman who's probably a very good approximation of who Sam will be in about 20 years. They immediately hit it off and decide to have drinks together.
While at the bar they see two, young, hot men who seem interested in the blonde women. Sam cuddles up with one of them, while Old Sam decides that she wants to blow the other guy under the table.
This is just entirely too much for Sam. She knocks on the table to let Old Sam know she is leaving. You can faintly hear Old Sam beckon through the dick in her mouth that she's coming too, but Sam has already left.
Samantha learns that even though she is a lot more liberal than any of her friends, she actually does have a little Charlotte in her.
And don't we all wish we had a little Charlotte in us?
Charlotte has put on a very sexy see-through number for her husband. Even though it goes right down to the floor, Trey can literally see every detail.
And for some ungodly reason he doesn't like it.
"What in God's name are you wearing?" Trey asks.
"It's supposed to be sexy."
"C'mon Charlotte, you're my wife. That's not you. Take that off."
"Fine." And she does. She bares all right in front of him.
"Charlotte." He ignores the sexy, naked, woman standing there in favor of a book.
"Look at me." She demands. He does. Reluctantly.
"This is me. I'm not a Madonna, and I'm not a whore. I'm your wife and I'm sexual and I love you."
damn.
He finally gets the memo, and they finally do it. For a full minute and a half before the wind dies.
Afterward, she calls Sam.
"He fucked me."
"That's great! Did you come?"
"Samantha!!"
Who else but Sam!
They're back to being friends and the universe is back in the right order.
--
Carrie is steeling herself, preparing for another lecture. Unfortunately for her, word has gotten out about how terrible she is, and there are only a handful of women present.
She actually has learned something though. Rather than go through her quippy little spiel again, she invites the women out for a drink at a bar in order to meet men in meatspace.
:nods: good deal.
And that's the end!
Till next time!
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