Narrator Carrie starts off by bragging about how amazing Manhattan is. You can get anything at anytime, usually delivered right to your door. But somehow you can never (ever) get your dry cleaning. That's because you suck at life Carrie.
Carrie is out getting her nails done with Charlotte, and Charlotte is absolutely convinced that the man who nearly ran into her in his cab is -the one-. She believes it so firmly, she's withholding sex. She's become anything but girl (not to be confused with anything butt girl)
Meanwhile, Aiden and Carrie are happily staying in bed together. Good for them!
And in the meat-packing district, Sam just got a catalogue for pre-menopausal women. And she resents it. She also got hit on by her new upstairs neighbor "Len" or possibly "Glen" or even "Allen." I can never quite hear it right, and it seems to change. She couldn't possibly be a target for him, she's still happening! No menopause for this hot young broad!
"On the plus side, people start to give up seats for you on the bus!" Carrie is the voice of reason.
Miranda talks about how she can't wait for menopause, periods suck!
"I can't wait till Flo stops coming to town!" Charlotte says
"No one calls it Flo." Sam corrects.
"I think my grandmother did." Miranda adds.
(psst. They're already old. Just embrace it, I say!)
They then gush about how their periods are all synced up! But then Sam admits that she's a bit late.
And in the transition, Carrie is also late. To pick up her dry cleaning. AGAIN.
FAIL.
And while Steve and Miranda are out together, Steve asks Miranda to have a baby with him on a whim. This'll be good. Miranda nixes the idea immediately. She won't let it take hold.
"Steve, do you know how much work a baby is?!" She moms at him.
He explains that he would "hang out with him during the day" while she's at work. Like a new baby is a friend or a dog or something.
Miranda explains that she'd end up taking care of baby all night and never get any sleep. That she would have to work extra long hours at the firm in order to even afford the apartment and child.
"Let's hope the baby inherits my positive attitude."
And then they're both depressed.
---
Carrie is getting ready to go out on a boat ride for some magazine party. She invites Aiden, but he doesn't want to go, he says he's not fabulous enough for celebrities and celebrity hangers on.
So, she hangs out with Charlotte-- and her hanger on, Trey. They tell the story of how they met for the millionth time, and Carrie is starting to get nauseous and it's not from the boat.
And there, while Carrie is nomming a piece of cheese, Big shows up. Without his wife. Carrie has to make a quick escape, but realizes they're all stuck there together for the next few hours.
Charlotte runs up while Carrie is considering jumping overboard. Trey has gifted her a beautiful engraved watch. He's smitten.
"To Charlotte. It's about TIME I met you."
aww. a watch AND a pun.
She goes back to him, and Carrie is left thinking about jumping overboard again.
Big walks up and asks if they can even have a conversation anymore?
And Carrie doesn't know anymore. So Big makes a joke to ease the tension and make her laugh.
Well, he's good for something at least.
Carrie takes the opportunity, when asked, to talk about Aiden and how happy she is with him.
---
Sam realizes that not only is she very late, but she has probably lost her period for good and freaks out about being old.
The foursome are in a bathroom, exchanging tampons, and Sam wistfully wishes she were still fertile. Miranda has unwittingly taken Carrie's last tampon, and now she's SOL, so she innocently asks Sam if she has any.
"No, I'm not! I don't have a tampon and I'll probably never need one ever again!"
They make sure she's not knocked up, but she is very -very- moody.
"I'm not pregnant. (she starts crying) I'm drying up! I'm day old bread, my time is up! Enjoy your flows"
"For someone with no period, you've got a mean case of PMS."
Meanwhile, they're conversing about Charlotte and the one. She thinks she's in love with him. And the watch, according to her, proves that he must be in love with her too.
"Please!" Miranda is getting annoyed by this whole charade, "I've had pantyhose longer!"
Charlotte tries to say that it's fate. And Miranda explains that it is dumb luck and all about timing:
"Men are like cabs. When they're available their light goes on... They can drive around for years picking up women and never be available."
"Well then maybe they shouldn't be allowed to get behind a wheel!" Carrie piles on with a joke.
---
Miranda meanwhile is dealing with Steve like a mother dealing with a child. It's NOT pretty. She's trying to get some work done at home, and he's watching Scooby Doo. Loudly.
He tries to play the baby card-- you know the one where she should get used to the noise if they're going to have a baby.
He also is watching TV while Miranda is trying to have a real conversation with him.
She is not amused.
She later complains to Carrie about it. Steve is using a baby as a band aid for everything wrong in their relationship. Essentially Miranda already has a baby: Steve. And she's Mean Mommy, which is not a pretty look for her.
"Man, this baby is going to need a LOT of therapy."
"There Is No Baby."
--
Sam gives in and finally goes out with Len? Lem? Alem? Glem?
She's not into it, but he doesn't seem to notice. They do it, and she's just laying there, totally bored to death. He finishes and panics. There's blood everywhere.
"Either you're a virgin or Flo just came to town!"
She's sorry not sorry about ruining his very expensive sheets, and absolutely gleeful that she doesn't have to settle and isn't day old bread after all.
--
Miranda is at work, hard at work on a case, when she gets a call from Steve who wants her to come down to where he is. She can't, since she has a meeting soon. He thinks it will help, and asks nicely, so she goes.
It's a pet shop. Steve wants to get a dog.
She doesn't want to be Mean Mommy, so she acquiesces. And immediately regrets it. That night, She's the one who has to get up and take care of the puppy.
She pushes Steve and wakes him up.
He says that it'll be fine, the puppy is just getting used to them.
She's like, it's fine for you, you're not doing anything! So he picks up the puppy and is playful to Miranda. Miranda is fucking pissed and having none of it. She hops out of bed and finally says what she's been thinking all along:
"This is it. I'm so sick of you being the kid here. I cannot be in charge all the time! We're supposed to be equals. Partners! You think we can have a baby? We can't even have a puppy together!"
"We're just going through a rough patch."
"This isn't a patch Steve. This is it. All the time. And it's not good."
Steve accuses Miranda of giving up, and Miranda claims she's just being honest. She's been trying really hard for a long time, but it isn't going to work out.
"I don't want to fight any more." Steve says.
"You think that I do?" Miranda realizes they haven't been on the same side for a long time.
"I don't know anymore."
Charlotte and Trey are currently making out right outside her apartment. It's really nauseating, not the making out, but their retelling of how they met between kisses. Finally Charlotte has to go inside and won't let Trey in.
He knocks on the door, not to barge his way in, but to tell her that he loves her.
Narrator Carrie chimes in, "That night Charlotte got everything she wanted. Trey got a hand job."
OK, so now we have to talk about the Trey Arc. The one that continues in a few episodes when they get married and Trey can't get it up.
Does Charlotte conveniently forget that Trey got a handy from her at this point? Cause while Carrie is in L.A. she asks Charlotte if Trey's problem is physical or psychological-- Charlotte should remember the one successful time they shared sex-adjacent activity. Clearly it's a psychological problem that Trey has. No need to test whether Trey can achieve a boner.
amiright?
OK, back to the final scene. Carrie is with Aiden. She notices that her machine has a message on it (how quaint!) And starts to listen to it, but it's Big, so she shuts it off immediately. Guilt zinging through her body. For some reason, Narrator Carrie explains that "She couldn't stop him from coming back into her life."
He asks if she's listened to is message. He's completely out of breath and like, drunk almost.
"That was him, wasn't it? The perfect guy?" He asks derisively.
"Yes it was. And he's coming back. What do you want?"
(GOD CARRIE WHY DO YOU CARE?!)
he leans up against her door frame. "I don't know" He says breathlessly. He knows. And so does she.
"No. Go home to your wife." (GOOD GIRL!) She tries to shut the door, but he swings it back open.
"I'm so fucked up" He says with his teeth. She closes the door, but stops just short and swings it back open again, pauses and finally, she slams it closed.
"I had no idea what else Big was going to say. And I'm not sure what bugged me more. That I didn't know, or that I cared." Narrator Carrie says.
Carrie presses play on the machine and listens as Big tells her that he misses her. That he can't stop thinking about her. "There you have it."
"There it was. Exactly what I needed to hear a year too late. I should have been happy but I wasn't. It was the absolute WORST timing of all."
She waits and waits for Aiden to come home. A whole ten minutes. She has a lot to say about timing and some pretty heavy stuff about past and future.
It doesn't bode well.
Oh Carrie.
You so dumb.
Welp. that's it! See you next time!
<3
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