Season 6 Episode 2 Great Sexpectations

I'm sorry guys, it's been a really long time since I did one of these (again!).  It's been 6 weeks.  But ya know, the first two don't count cause I wouldn't do one so soon after doing another. so, it's been 4 weeks, really.  And there was that trip to Hawaii that ate up a few weeks. so, it's really been 2 weeks.  And I had to recover from trip. And then school started this week so I was busy with getting the kids ready.  So really it's only been a few days since I last snarked.

 The episode starts out with Carrie on a date with Burger.  Apparently it's a great date, but I don't believe her.

pictured: Carrie's date

There's a cute little montage of all the little firsts they have together.  All the little flirtings.  There's this fantastic display in Bed Bath and Beyond of all the shower curtains in the store, one in front of the other.  Would be neat, but absolutely not how anyone displays shower curtains in any store, ever.

There's so much kissing.

The restaurant staff at the last stop in the montage started turning off the lights while they were blissfully making out.  I would be mortified.

I feel like Carrie didn't used to be like this, waiting until the 4th or 5th get-together before boning.  But wait she did and now she wants him in her "bed bath and beyond... immediately."

And... it's awful. It's so quiet, and there's no chemistry and it's awful. All that lead up and no payoff.

Honestly, I feel like that's a good metaphor for their entire relationship, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

---

Next scene the foursome are at a restaurant called "Raw" featuring foods that are, well, raw.  And I know from listening to the commentary that the show pretty much single-handedly killed the raw food movement with this one episode.  Good for them!

They're waiting around the bar for a table and talking about what this whole thing is, and Miranda is having none of it.

"People! The emperor has no oven!" Miranda has the best line in the episode.

Carrie's tired from her very late night with Burger yesterday.  Everyone starts to congratulate her and she immediately puts a stop to it.  Ok, she says it was "fine" and as they're walking to their table, the other three are waiting for the bomb to go off.  Highly relatable content, let's be honest.  'I don't want to talk about it', proceeds to dump for the next 20 minutes.

Charlotte tries to 'Pollyanna' the whole thing, "If the kisses were good, the sex will eventually be good."

"I'm not worried. I'm not worried!" Carrie lies.

"How quiet was it?" Miranda prods.

"It was so quiet that at one point I heard the M11 bus. I heard the doors open, I heard people getting off."

"Well at least someone was getting off... And speaking of!" Sam looks up at the waiter.  It's Smith!  Ok, for now it's the Waiter.  I am not going to lie to you, I did a Freudian slip here and typed "The Waitress" at first and I'm sorely tempted to roll with it, but I won't.

 I adore The Waitress. He's so good for Sam.

Sam cannot keep it in her pants, but she's a good egg and refrains from picking him up till later on in the episode.  It's a girls night and she's not an asshole.

After The Waitress tells them the specials, Miranda says that she's "going to need a pizza after this."  I love Miranda.

And they try the soup and it's bad.  it's bad.  All of them hate it:

"It's like lawn in a bowl." Miranda jokes.

"Maybe some things should be over 118 degrees!" Carrie has a point.

[This is personally funny for me cause we have a joke in the house about cooking (the kids have been interested in learning to cook for the past few months and Zac loves bonding with them over it) that all you do is "add heat."  Apparently at this restaurant they skipped that step.]

"like sex for example?" Sam pokes the bear.

"Can we please forget I said anything?  seriously."  I swear Carrie can dish it but she can't take it.  boy.

Carrie begs the table for anyone else to take the floor and Charlotte steps up to the plate (pun intended!) with her news of becoming a Jew.

OK, I know I said it before that the show becomes very tight after the 3rds season or so, but sometimes it feels so... plastic, so inauthentic, in its execution.  This scene is so cringe, as the kids would say.

I do appreciate that Charlotte asked her friends not to 'react' cause she's happy with her decision.. but everything else can fucking go.  The music stopping for a few beats, the looks of everyone stifling giggles?  I don't even know.  And they don't really giggle or anything, it's weird.  it's just weird.  It's a nice set up, I suppose, to let the audience know what's in her docket for the episode, but the joke? lands completely flat.

Charlotte feels the need to extrapolate on her decision to convert. That Harry is wonderful, says what he means, makes her feel safe and like she can be herself around him.  All Very Good Things.

"But yourself is Episcopalian." Miranda chides.  I don't get this.  Is she Ever shown at church?  doing anything religious?  yeah, I didn't think so.  Plus, ya know, the whole Jews for Jesus thing... I don't think it's mutually exclusive?  I might be out of my depth here, as an atheist.

I haven't ever seen anything wrong with Charlotte converting to Judaism for Harry.  Non-troversy as the kids say. 

(no one says that)

After that horrendous dinner, Carrie and Miranda go off to get a few slices of pizza.  Miranda brags about her new boyfriend, TiVo.  Oh, 2002! How quaint.

"You've traded Steve-o for TiVo." Carrie jokes.

"We don't talk of Steve-o anymore." Miranda can also not take it despite being fully willing to dish it.

Miranda goes on a little about the show TiVo recommended to her called "Jules & Mimi" this absolutely horrendous melodrama from BBC America (it's a fake show, I know it's a fake show) featuring a pale lady and her black suitor.  It's supposed to be a foreshadow for Miranda's next boyfriend.  But I just spoilered it.  oop.

Miranda says that this episode, they're finally going to have sex, and Carrie wishes them 'good luck.' Man, when Carrie has bad sex she just brings everyone down with her.

"Carrie, it was the first time." Miranda tries to calm Carrie down, "and sometimes you have to work at it."

"Have you ever had to work at it?" Carrie asks.

Yes.  Yes we have.  We all have. You don't just fuck someone and know everything about what they like or don't like.  it can be awkward, and silly at times. There can be noises, and strong dislikes for things. Rude surprises. Messy surprises.  I could go on.

Miranda passes the buck by saying "I'm dating a digital recording device." so.. uh, yeah.  Samantha is giving all of these people unrealistic expectations of what fucking casually actually can be like.

"Well I have never had to work at it with someone I really like," Carrie lies.

"You should probably keep that to yourself."

Carrie goes on a bit, talking about her disappointment. and Miranda sympathizes and says "People should tell it like it is.  First time sex: tricky. Non-dairy vegan ravioli: kindergarten paste."

Writer Carrie cries about "sexpectations" and it only barely feels like it belongs here.  For example, she says "dating in your mid-thirties should be called 'waiting for the other shoe to drop.'" and describes two things: bad sex and becoming a Jew, "Why is it always something?"

These things have fuck all to do with each other.  Having high expectations of a relationship and then being let down because the first time was not good is not the same thing as learning that your future husband's non-negotiable is that he can only marry a Jewish person so you make an informed decision to convert.  Becoming Jewish is not a negative thing.

Is this show antisemitic?

I am not the one to make that call, but it's not looking good right now.  Let's drop it and move on.

---

I love that they show Miranda's TiVo recording list.

Poirot, the Daily Show, Crossfire, and Jules & Mimi. Good stuff.

And we, as the audience, get to watch Miranda watch TV.

We'll leave her to that.

Well, actually, I'll just sum up now cause it's not that deep.  As expecteds, something goes wrong with TiVo.  Magda, her maid, had accidentally sat on the TiVo remote and all the recordings are gone!  Including J&M the morning after!  oh no! D:

She has a hell of a time trying to fix it, until Steve-o comes to her rescue and gets it working again.  She's left alone with the baby and the repaired TV and her mixed feelings about her deep love of the man who fixes things for her.

Narrator Carrie sums up for us, "Some things, like a broken TiVo, are easy to repair. And others, like a broken heart, are a little more complicated."

---

Charlotte goes to the synagogue to meet with the rabbi.  She's all dressed up, polite as all get out.

"We're not interested." The rabbi says before slamming the door in her face. and then when she knocks again, another man comes to the door and nods and smiles as he, too, slams the door in her face.

Apparently, Harry explains later on that evening as they're getting ready for bed, "It's the game. It's part of the process. Traditionally they reject you three times to make sure you're serious."

So, it's like fight club?

Also, is this real??

"Suddenly Charlotte understood.  They were playing hard to get. They were 'rules' rabbis." Narrator Carrie explains.

Charlotte is not deterred. "I can play that game. I invented that game. No man rejects Charlotte York."

"I don't care what any rabbi says, you are my chosen person." Harry says, and tada! They're married now! that's how that works, yes?

Charlotte, in her end, ends up forcing her way into the rabbi's house!  He's sitting down to dinner with his entire family! and it's incredibly rude, but also very funny.

"OK Charlotte," the rabbi acquiesces, "Lesson number One: You have to give it a rest. Because it's about to be Sabbath, the day of rest. You wanna be a Jew? sit. watch. learn."

She just about refuses them with an excuse about meeting her boyfriend and it would be hilarious if she did.  "I can skip it." And just before they start the prayer, her phone rings.

How embarrassing.

It's fine though, they let her stay.

---

Carrie decides to give it another go with Burger.  How can two people be so good everywhere else and so bad in bed?

She doesn't know, and it continues to be very bad.

"Dump him." Sam is onto something. "Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me."

"Is that the saying?" Carrie replies.  They're shopping for lingerie together. At La Perla.  V. Fancy.

Sam is trying to find something for the seducing of The Waitress, and Carrie thinks that lingerie will save her own sinking relationship.

Sam thinks it's not a good idea for Carrie and Burger to talk about their bad sex and that is just horrendous advice.  I'm usually on her side about stuff, but here?  oh my, no.

"When it comes to sex, spray it, don't say it." She just has her own little sayings for things now.

"OK, that was unnecessary." I think we can all agree with Carrie.

Sam suggests dirty talk, and Carrie can't do that sober.  So Sam tells her to get absolutely loaded in order to fuck good.  What the what is this?  This is terrible advice.

Sam also suggests sexy shoes.

"I don't wear furry shoes." Carrie shoots that down.

"They're not for you they're for him." Sam says.

"He mostly wears loafers." Second best line in the episode. 

Are you sure I can't talk to him about it?" Carrie asks.  Honey, sweety, baby, why tf are you asking your least functional friend in relationships for relationship advice?  Sam continues to press that it's not a good idea to talk about sex.

They end up choosing the same outfit, which is weird.  that's weird, right?

---

We follow Sam back to the restaurant, Raw, where she is competing with a few other tables full of women who are all vying for The Waitresses attention.  One by one, the contestants fold until Sam is left with one other lady. Threesome?  no?

The other woman decides to order another cup of something cold and terrible and Sam has had enough with the shenanigans.  She walks up to her and tells her that she's a Professional and there's absolutely no way she's getting with The Waitress.

He does indeed go home with her and what follows is a montage of "the best sex Sam's ever had," featuring several positions, the sun coming up, and her chair on he bed.  Cause after you've done it all, you end up putting a chair on the bed. XD

Ironically, after all that, he tells her a secret: "You didn't have to order all that shit. I was ready to go home with you last Tuesday."

"Now you tell me, I ate a fucking cactus. Get back down there and make it up to me!" and he does, like a champ.

 ---

Carrie's end is hilarious and stupid. XD

They both get Very Drunk before heading back to her place.  They are literally falling all over the place. Carrie drunkenly talks about the sexy shoes she has and the lingerie under her clothes, but she's so drunk it's just not going to happen.  It's the kind of drunk where you're confident, but stupid.  Hell, we've all been there. No good comes of being there. Burger gets hit in the face by a furry shoe and Carrie falls into her closet.

In the morning, they realize that not only did they not have sex, but they need to do something about their failed fucking.

Burger tells her to go grab something that might help.  He grabs the salt and pepper shakers to make it more like a restaurant and she grabs the furry shoes.

"We should talk about it." They both agree.  And then they fall on each other and fuck good.  finally.

the last scene is of the shoe, the furry one, falling ever so gracefully on the floor.

get it? cause the shoe dropped.

That's it for me! Overall, it was a fun episode.  I don't know about all that they implied about converting to Judaism being the same as having bad first sex, but I'm not a sex columnist, so.

I'll see you all soon!

Season 6 premiere: To Market, To Market

I am not going to lie, I spent the last several weeks mentally preparing myself to watch this and do the snark thing, but I could not for the life of me remember what the episode was about.  It was a major hurdle in the 'do the thing' motivation I had for myself.  I usually spend a little while planning what I might write about what I am going to see, but I completely blanked on how season 6 opens.

Well, now that I've brought up the box containing season 6 part 1 and opened the menu on my handy dandy portable DVD player, I -finally- have thoughts.

Namely, I can't believe this show got away with selling season 6 in two parts the way they did.  Especially considering season 5 was only 8 episodes long!  This one is a tad longer at 20 episodes, and honestly does feel a bit like two separate stories, but come the fuck on!  So greedy!

Each disc only has 4 episodes, and part 2 only has 2 discs.  greedy greedy greedy!

Without further ado, let's get started.

---

The season opens up with Carrie outside her brownstone.  Narrator Carrie talks about how it comes as a shock when you oversleep, as if it isn't cannon that Carrie frequently sleeps till noon on weekdays.  But whatever, let's follow the chaos that is Carrie Bradshaw.

She's currently running late for ringing the bell at the stock exchange.  The newspaper that airs her column every week, The New York Star, is going public!

There's a scene of her running on the street, trying to catch a cab.  She trips over the ubiquitous dog walker and all the dog leashes. She catches a taxi at the end of the block, but next scene there's a ton of traffic. She manages to escape the cab stuck in a gridlock and takes the subway the rest of the way.  Makes it just in time.  WHEW!  Such relief! High stakes tension, this show offers. XD

She even makes it despite being stopped at security.  I suppose they think she's hiding something in that shiny naked-dress she's got on.

Next day, she's met her friends at the 'fashionable meat packing district' and they're talking investments.

Sam doesn't disappoint with her commentary "a room full of sweaty men all trying to get it up."  I mean, how do you follow that?

Miranda doesn't invest anymore cause it's too volatile.  I'm with her.  The way they've convinced people that it's smart to put your retirement in stocks?  it's uh, not great. It's essentially gambling.  But I'm going on.

Carrie likes her money where she can see it, hanging in her closet.  Uh Carrie, we were there at the end of season 4, we know how stupid that is.  It's not remotely funny.  Ok, it's kinda funny in that awkward, 'wtf are you doing with your life, you're 36 grow the fuck up', kinda way.

Charlotte is looking *amazing* in this fantastic rose patterned fit and flare dress.  She's my fashion idol.  J'adore.

She's invested in Carrie's stock.  "Was it expensive?" Carrie asks.  She didn't even look up what the shares cost.  I would be so curious.  But, whatever.  "Oh no, you're cheap!" Charlotte says.

 "well, I never!" Carrie quips.

They get their menus and complain about the price.

"20$ for a hamburger," Miranda whines, "that's reasonable."

let's see, in 2003 money that's... a lot for a hamburger. (or 32$ if you wanted to get pedantic about it, and I do.)

Sam makes a very -dated- and offensive joke about the type of people she's dealt with historically in the meatpacking district since she moved there. I'll uh, remind everyone that it was 2003 and Sam isn't politically correct.  but yeah, the tr***y word is not great.

She then complains about how it's gotten so 'sanitary' since she moved here.  I... mean, it's called 'gentrification' and you, ma'am, are part of the problem.  But I don't want to go on.

"no smoking in bars" she goes on, "what's next, no fucking in bars?"

"Well first there would have to be a no-fucking section." Miranda is fast with the quip back. Very funny joke there. best one in the episode, I daresay.

Carrie uses this talk about new neighborhoods to talk about her new man, Burger.  They're WAY over-hyping their first date.  To theirs and -my- detriment.  Can we skip this part?  He's so wrong for her.

"oh, I really like him." Carrie ignores my judgement and scorn.

"Then you better find his bottom line right up front." Charlotte puts, very wisely.  She's dealing with Harry and his Judaism.  Ok, so if you don't remember, Harry can't marry a woman who's not Jewish. There, now you're caught up.

It's not bad advice though.  Even though it's personal for her and her story, it's what everyone should do.  No games, no tiptoeing round the hard stuff.  If you're with someone and they don't check off all your boxes, then you're just wasting everyone's time.

In the next scene, Harry is ordering pork tenderloin and Charlotte looks like he ordered a foot.

"What's with the face?" Harry asks.

"I didn't make a face." Charlotte lies.

"Yes you did.  I said pork you went..." Then he makes the face.

And she dives right in.  Here, it's funny cause you can tell she's been trying not to have this conversation with him despite the fact that it's an important conversation to have.  She doesn't want to seem nuts.  She can relax.  not. XD

"Charlotte, it doesn't work that way.  I'm not kosher, I'm conservative."

Is this real?  Are there conservative Jews who aren't kosher?  I have to admit I'm not very educated about Jewish people and their traditions.  I have a few friends that are Jewish, I suppose I could ask them.

"I'm conservative, too." Charlotte says.  I mean, in the WASPy way, sure, but is she?  I've spent the last 10 years dying inside slowly from the discourse coming from the right side of the aisle and ho boy, she's not exactly a shrill cunt who hates people that aren't like her.  I can't see Charlotte voting for Cheeto-lini.

"yeah, well, my conservative doesn't have anything to do with wearing pearls."  Oh, Harry.

"Look, I know what you're thinking," Harry continues, "Why did I let things get this far without talking about this? Why did I sleep with you or even kiss you?"

"WELL, Why did you?"

"Because I couldn't not kiss you. Not sleep with you, not see you."

Goddamn, Harry's the best dood on the show.  Tied with Steve, of course.

"Believe me, I never thought a shiksa goddess like you would fall for a putz like me." He continues.

"You're not a putz." Charlotte looks at Harry like we're all looking at Harry.  Best dood on the show.

"Do you even know what putz means?"  Harry.  Everyone knows what 'putz' means. XD

--

At Miranda and the baby's, Steve is there, being all homey.

While changing Brady's diaper, Miranda somehow ends up with doody on her forehead, and Steve tells her about it.

She smudges more on herself and it's funny.

"Baby wipe me!" she panics. Steve helps her with the poo removal and jokes with her and Miranda ends up chasing him around the place with a poopy wipe. I  mean, it sounds gross, but it's also funny.  I do know for a fact it was not poo, but frosting, so that makes it a little better.

"Brady, tell Mommy to stop chasing Daddy!" Steve says.

Miranda freaks out and all the fun is vacuumed out of the room. You can just feel it as Miranda's face falls.  And Brady starts crying.  poor baby.

She kicks Steve out.

"Don't you have a life?" She shouts.

"yeah, I got a life." Steve puts up with so much shit, man.

Miranda is next seen outside Carrie's door, baby in tow.

"I'm in love with Steve. Hold this."

"Oh my god I can't believe it." Carrie says to Brady.

Miranda is surprised that Carrie didn't know.  Carrie is only surprised that she -admitted- it.

Miranda then describes the evening, that they were laughing and having a good time, and she realized that they belong together.

"oh, Miranda." Carrie looks so kindly on her friend.

"So I picked a fight and threw him out of my apartment."

"Good thinking." Carrie jokes.

Miranda is going on and on about how she and Steve are meant to be together.

But Carrie is distracted by the baby at this point.  She's going through her cupboards, looking for some kind of booze for Miranda since it's 11 am on a Saturday and that's reasonable. Carrie doesn't have anything though.

"uh, Miranda?"

"You're right.  Steve so is the guy for me."

"oh, no, I was wondering if Brady can have crackers yet?"

"no."

It's funny. XD

Maybe cause I'm a freak who got married at 20 to my first adult boyfriend, but what the fuck is Miranda's problem here?  This feels so forced, man.  If you like a guy and he likes you and you get along and you have a baby together, then why the dramatics?  Why the fight picking?  Do normal women do this?  I've never forced a fight to get away from dood I like.

And Steve is of course left completely baffled by all this, too.

I know it's probably my neuro-divergence talking here, but I really hate the stereotype that they're playing of of here, that women never say what they're feeling and are crazy. and confuse the doods in their life with their unreasonableness.

I've always been direct.  This is like, watching aliens.

Anyway, Miranda and Carrie talk about how they're going to deal with this.  Miranda has an enormous amount invested in the relationship with Steve before you even bring up the baby or the being in love bit.  She decides to take him somewhere romantic to tell him about how she feels.

Her story continues over a few scenes, but I'll just skip to the end right here.  She leaves him the WORST phone message in history.  so awkward.  And when they go to the 'romantic' dinner,  it's awkward.

"you look pretty," Steve says, "you got a date later?"

He has no idea. XD

She starts to explain to him why she picked a fight.

"Miranda, I know you.  I know why you picked a fight with me." he starts and we all inhale in anticipation with Miranda. "You're upset because I'm hanging around too much. You think I'm getting too close.  But you don't have to worry cause I just started seeing someone else and it's going really good."  And we collectively let our inhales out with a very large sigh.

She doesn't tell him anyway.  And Carrie berates her for it later.

"Carrie I swear to god, I love you but I will have to kill you."

"I'm sorry, I'm looking and I'm talking.  This is your life. You two have a baby together, this is not high school."

And for once, Carrie is absolutely right.

---

Samantha has a whole story line with an investment banker new to her neighborhood.  It honestly didn't make too much of an impression on me, even back then.  He gives her some tips while he -gives her some tips- if you know what I mean and I think you do and ends up getting arrested for insider trading.  aha.

In the scene where he gives her the tip it's for Elan Pharmaceuticals and I can't help but wonder if that was a dig on me in the future.  Remember Glen? or Len? Lemm? Elan? from a few seasons ago?  The older dood who Sam went out with because she thought she was never getting her period again?  yeah, I'm gonna say it's definitely a reference to that.

I feel bad cause I haven't really talked too much about Samantha and any of her plot lines in Ages.  Ages, I tell you.  I barely scratched the whole Richard thing when it was imploding, it just felt like such an afterthought to all the fun good stuff that was going on at the time.

Her romantic story line does pick up though in this season.  She finally gets a long-term boyfriend that -isn't- a joke of the week.

--

And Charlotte is riding Harry.  He's of course into it, but Charlotte is clearly just going through the motions.  It's funny though.

"Harry," she asks while he's smelling vinegar, "Is this whole Jewish thing really that big a deal?"

And he says 'no, no, god, no' while he's coming.

She wakes up so happy, "It's a beautiful morning and the sun is shining... and you changed your mind about the whole Jewish thing."

"woah woah woah," He doesn't remember.  "Asking me to renounce Judaism in the middle of sex is a clear manipulation."

"oh, blah blah blah!" Charlotte is back to brooding. She wants to know why it's so important to him.

"I promised my mother I would marry a Jew."

"your mother?" Charlotte is having flashbacks to bunny.

"...yeah, right before she died."

suddenly things are looking up for Charlotte.

There's more about tradition and stuff, about how Harry's mom definitely wouldn't love her anyway. And then he brings up the holocaust, and Charlotte "can't say anything, because you brought up the holocaust."

I mean, that's not a terrible instinct to have.

Then she rolls over like she's going to bed.  Wasn't it just morning? XD

--

Carrie meanwhile is completely overthinking the date with Burger.  Didn't they... didn't they already have a first date?  The one with the strawberry shake?  I mean, I know Burger was involved with someone at the time, but it could take the edge off if she thinks of it that way.

She even says to her friends "I think burger and I will be Very Happy Together."  like.. calm the fuck down, lady.  You haven't even met his BFF, Grimace.

Her friends insist that she go on a date with this other guy who called her asking for a date.  To take the edge off.

Writer Carrie compares dating to investing again.  Stock market, money, stakes.  It's all gambling.  "When it comes to finance and dating, why do we keep investing?"

I think we need to shift our thinking, culturally, about dating (and investing, let's be honest) and realize that just because you broke up with someone doesn't mean you're left with nothing.

The date-to-take-the-edge-off goes Awfully by the way.  Worst date in the show.  But hilarious.  They go get coffee and he asks if Carrie is staring at the sty in his eye and then a bird lands on his head.  He gets vinegar in his sty and the bird lands on him again and he falls over, brings the whole little table down with him.

She's just shocked that he's treating this like a real date and is Nervous. Carrie kept calling it a 'simu-date' in her head. She is the worst.  She treats men like they're disposable.

She goes on an errand date with Charlotte to the grocery store. It's sweet.  She's complaining about how "caring too much is like a disaster magnet."  It wasn't even HER that fell over on the date or had the sty or got vinegar in her sty and yet she's complaining like it happened to her.

Charlotte segues into talking about Judaism.  Elizabeth Taylor apparently converted to Judaism for one of her husbands.

I... don't know much about Elizabeth Taylor.  Well, honestly, the only things I know about her are from this show, cause Charlotte develops a sort of obsession with her.  I love old movies, but I don't think I've seen one with her in it.  oop.

This episode feels so wildly random, with all the different plot lines going on. It's not very cohesive.  No wonder I forgot what was in it.  It's merely a set-up for everything that's going to happen to finish off the show.

Charlotte is considering "pulling an Elizabeth Taylor" and converting to Judaism.  She wonders how far she'll go for love.  She then grabs a jar of gefilte fish and makes the most disgusted face about it.  Apparently not that far.

She talks with Harry about it, to try to find a reason -besides his mother- that she can relate to.  He says that he would want to raise their children jewishly.

She then has to reveal that she might not be able to give him children. "you want a family and I might not be able to give that to you."

He says that they could adopt or something, and even after she says that they wouldn't be his own, he's still on her side.  It's sweet.

Two things though.

1) I hate the idea that a family has to be a couple with children.  Children do not a family make.

2) I am having a hard time believing that her reproductively challenged condition didn't come up in her very contentious divorce.  But maybe it didn't.  I can only easily imagine a scene where Bunny brings up "A Mandarin child" in order to dig into Charlotte.

OK, bonus third thing.

3) How is saying to someone "if we were to have kids I would want them to be raised jewish" relating something positive about your religion in order to convert them?

She ends up convinced though, because of his "humor, compassion, and acceptance." good stuff.

 --

Carrie sees Burger on the street, and because she's not wearing her -official- first date outfit, she RUNS.

She's a child.

She runs right into Aiden.  And he's standing there, looking heroic.  He turns slowly, there's a big reveal happening. On his chest there's a baby, of all things!

I Have done the Math on This and  It Does Not Add Up.  This child is at least 5 months old.  Babies take 10 months to gestate and plus there is the break up time and the meeting a person time. He would have had to meet this gal soon after breaking up with the face girl.  And immediately impregnated her.  When Carrie was obsessing about the face girl last season, Steve didn't even mention that Aiden was with child.

On the other hand, suddenly by the next half of the season Carrie is 38 when she was just 35 last season, so.  Maybe there was this massive break in between seasons that I was not aware of?

 :spends 5 minutes looking it up on wikipedia:

No, not really.  There was a small mid-season break in season 6, but the shows aired from June to Septemberish each year.  No massive breaks that add a lot of time here.

ETA a bit later: put it another way, Miranda was many many months pregnant when Aiden and Carrie had that moment in front of the fountain the episode they broke up.  This baby has full head control, and Aiden is holding him so the baby is facing *out* in the carrier.  The baby is at least as old as Brady, who is probably about 6ish months in this episode.

---

Aiden starts out by saying "I had a baby!"

And she replies with "I have a date" and it's sad.  it's sad. XD

They make a date to catch up, but they both know they won't actually go through with it.

As she's walking away, she realizes that if she could survive "that crash and both get out alive, there was nothing [she] could do on a first date [she] couldn't bounce back from"

Say that to your simu-date's sty, Carrie.

She calls Burger, the guy she was initially running from, and invites him to see a movie right then and there.  He, also being a writer, has fuck all to do on a weekday and joins her.

He says "This blows.  I had my special outfit all picked out for tonight" and perhaps they are more compatible than I first thought.

That was the first episode of the last season!  I am on my way to the end!

I'll try to come back in a week or so to do episode two.  Now that the dvd is upstairs in my work area, there's nothing holding me back.  :nods sagely:

Cheers!

Season 5 Finale: I love a Charade

Hey there!  It's been about a month since my last confession snark. I'll get there.  Maybe.  One day.

This episode has been looming.  They all seem to now.  It's my life till I finish this thing. Is this hell?

One more season to go.  One more season.

This episode opens up at a piano bar, Nathan Lane is very gayly singing at the piano and it's delightful. 

"I usually do this number at home in a pink caftan and a Peggy Lee wig.  Like you've never done the same after three daquiris?"

Narrator Carrie is talking about this guy like we've met him before and they're great friends.  It's... odd.  But friends they apparently are, because after his grand, very Gay, performance, he comes to their table and greets Carrie like they're established friends and we will definitely see him again in a future episode.  (we do not).

They reminisce for a few minutes. Nathan Lane is a great comical actor here.  Hilarious.  The timing is perfect.  I love him.

"When we met Cats was just Kittens." He jokes.  Charlotte looks confused for a moment.

"You know, Cats, the musical." He explains.

"Oh I love Cats!" She gets it, maybe.

"Medic!"

A new lady pops up next to Nathan Lane (Ok, in this episode is name is Bobby Fine, but I'm going to call him Nathan Lane cause Nathan Lane always plays himself and that's Fine.) He's surprised to see her, since he thought she had a thing, but she wanted to pop in and say 'hello.'

"Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello." She jokes.  I like her.  She's hilarious.  Her name is Bitsy Von Muffling.

"This is Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and.. the one who liked Cats."

Samantha interjects to say that she handled some PR thing.

"Oh, Samantha, I loved you.  I was just surprised someone actually liked Cats." Bitsy Von Muffling jokes again.

"Well, I didn't like it that much!" Charlotte says.

"Waiter, sense of humor, table 5."  Nathan Lane jokes.

They're here making all these jokes, I feel like I'll be out of a job if they keep this up!

Bitsy announces to Samantha that she's deliriously happy: "I'm madly in love and getting married!" She says. "Big big Hamptons Wedding."

"Congratulations! Who's the lucky stud?"

"ME!" Nathan Lane makes the best joke in the episode. (you did hear it when I said he was VERY VERY GAY)

Carrie laughs so heartily and long that when Nathan Lane looks at her like he's not at all kidding, she squeaks. "oh! You're getting Married?"

 And it's hilarious.

"Bitsy and I are affianced.  I finally found the right girl."  After a lovely kiss between him and Bitsy Von Muffling, he says "Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle before he can tinkle."

Then they leave the scene.  Bitsy apparently has Samantha's address and now we have a final scene established for the finale, a big big Hamptons wedding between Nathan Lane and Bitsy Von Muffling.

The foursome spend more than a few minutes completely gobsmacked by the news.

"I thought he was Gay." Charlotte says the obvious.

"yeah, 'Mr Broadway has to go tinkle' has to be the gayest lines I ever heard." Miranda is astute.

"He's gotta be marrying her for the money." Samantha guesses.

"He doesn't need the money.  He was one of the original investors in Chorus Line." Carrie explains.

"Just when you thought you'd never hear anything gayer than 'Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle.'" Miranda jokes.

Carrie is insistent for some reason that the wedding is never gonna happen because one time about 6 years ago he said that he was going to trade in his piano bar for helping out Nicaraguan orphans and this is exactly the same situation as that, so of course the wedding is a pipe dream.

I don't understand this logic.  Helping out orphans in a foreign country sounds like a really difficult ambitious thing that you have to work hard at and know how to do.  Or if you don't know how to do it, sounds like a steep learning curve and a thankless job.

Marrying a lovely woman cause you get along with them and love them, even if you might be gay, is not the same thing at all.

Hey, maybe he's bi?  Maybe his sex life is actually none of their business.  Maybe I'm losing my sense of humor and patience for this shit as I get older.  Maybe some straight or bi people enjoy musicals, especially if they grew up in New York and come from a media family.  Just cause someone knows how to play the piano and sing and has a lovely sense of humor doesn't mean he's gay.

But whatever, the entire joke for the entire episode is that the obviously gay man is getting married to a woman.

At coffee shop, the foursome gather around to talk about it since Carrie got an invite and there go her theories about the wedding not happening.

Samantha is concerned about where she's going to stay since it's in the Hamptons and all the places will be booked up.

Carrie is concerned that he's getting married at all since he's gay and it's definitely her business.

Charlotte says that Bitsy said they were madly in love and no one else at the table buys that.

"I find the love facade the most offensive part." Apparently it's also Miranda's business too, she continues: "Bitsy should say 'I'm getting older, and I want companionship.' or Bobby should say, 'The hot men don't go for me anymore.' But don't print up invitations and call it love as if love transforms people and changes molecules cause that's bullshit."

I, uh.

I got nothing.

Well, that's a lie.  I have a few ideas.

1) Miranda, you just met this couple last night.  Nathan Lane was only long-time friends with Carrie.

2) It's none of your business.

3) Back in season 3 I think it was, you also made jokes rather than admit the truth about love or whatever.  You had a bit and it was weird.  At least Nathan Lanes bits are funny.

Now we're all thinking about Nathan Lane's bits.  You're welcome.

In general though, I think these people are too cynical and too judgemental.  It's none of their business.

This is the thing with them though, they are incapable of being happy for anyone outside of their little circle.  And they struggle deeply with being happy for the people in their circle.  So a guy who seems like the gayest gay guy on the planet getting married to the love of his life who happens to be a woman is just a massive joke to them.

Thanks, I hate it.

This is going well, we're five minutes into this thing and we haven't even gotten to the part where Carrie meets Burger again.

Samantha is still obsessed with finding a place to stay. Carrie says they can stay with Stanford and Marcus in their summer house.  (Did she.. already talk to him about that and establish that she can bombard them during their vacation?)

"I was a fool to break up with Richard before Labor Day.  He has a fabulous house."  No.  Samantha, he was a dick.

"I wouldn't go to this charade if you paid me." Miranda is such a bitch this episode. fuck. "It's like there's a pink suede elephant in the middle of the room and nobody's allowed to talk about it."

MIRANDA. YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

"You think they won't have sex?" Charlotte asks for some reason.

Were the writers drunk?  Why are these people concerning themselves with this?

"All married couples stop having sex eventually." Sam lies.

LIES.

"That's not true.  You've have sex with lots of married people." Miranda jokes.

"That's how I know."

Carrie knows how to bring this nonsense train back around to a semblance of something we can actually talk about: "Ok, let's say it's companionship.  How do you sustain a relationship without the zsa zsa zsu?"

Never mind that I don't know what zsa zsa zsu is and it's really hard to type Zs so many times in a row.

That's a real question.

But the answer is of course related to love, not all couplings are romantic.  Friends get married sometimes, and so do asexual people.  As long as you're both on the same page, you can love and respect someone and want to live together and have a relationship without the tingles. And it's none of anyone's business But The People In The Relationship what kind of relationship it is.  As long as no one's getting abused or hurt.

She's a sex columnist, a sexual anthropologist, I can't believe I have to explain this to her. XD

oh, Carrie explains what zsa zsa zsu is: "butterflies in your stomach... that happens when you not only love the person you gotta have them. Isn't that what gets you through the years?  Even if it fades, at least you have the memory of the zsa zsa zsu."

Carrie, your longest relationship was what? 6 months?  Why is she the long-term relationship expert all of the sudden?

"I'm fine with whatever people want to do." Miranda lies, "Just be straight with me."

"I think that's how Bitsy proposed to Bobby." Carrie tries for a joke.

Charlotte takes this moment that we're all pretending Carrie didn't just say that to announce to her friends that she's actually seeing Harry but she fucking hates everything about him. It's funny.

"Is the sex bad too?" Sam asks the real questions.

"It's the best sex of my life."

In the next scene, Harry is inviting Charlotte to that wedding we're all talking about.  Charlotte doesn't want to go with him to the Hamptons (he owns a house there) because she's embarrassed about how hairy he is, especially his back.  She insists he get it waxed.

He actually obliges, in order to get her to come with him.  Good man.

Only, in usual SATC fashion, it backfires.  At the poolside later on, Charlotte is embarrassed by his Tiki shirt "well, Tiki it off." Underneath it is a horrible skin reaction to the waxing.  It's gross.

"Suddenly a little back hair isn't looking so bad!" He doesn't put the shirt back on to her chagrin.

--

 Carrie is writing in her laptop.  It's still about the zsa zsa zsu-- ugh, can the show not fucking say that anymore, it's terrible to type!

The only comment I have is that Writer Carrie says "most singles have better long term luck with friends. So maybe it is a better strategy to marry a friend."

and I have to say "what??"

 

Let's break that down for you if you don't know why I'm confused.

"Most singles have better long-term luck with friends."

People who have a difficult time becoming long-term romantically involved with people are less likely to stay romantically involved with people.

duh. no shit.

We've also been talking about this for many many Many episodes now though.  Started well before the Atlantic City episode where Carrie realized she wasn't investing in her friends, she was hiding in them.  And maybe it doesn't mean that she should go out and marry the next guy who ogles her, but she can't expect too much from people who want to go live their own lives and have the babies and get married.

Essentially she needs a hobby.

But this is the season with no mans, and I suppose this is as good an ending as one can expect.  It's kind of a filler, a lull season.  A build-up before the final season.

--

Samantha leaves a message on Richard's voicemail announcing that she's staying at his Hampton's house that weekend and he doesn't have a choice and there'll be a party but he's not invited.

OK then.

This also backfires on her, because the morning of the party, some bimbos with big breasts arrive.  they're Richard's bimbos and Sam Hates them.

"fucking freeloaders." She complains to Carrie.

"People in glass houses." Carrie pokes her. (and foreshadows)

In her end, Sam stands in front of these Bimbos, holds a couple melons up to her own modestly sized chest and mocks them.  They mock her back and she lobs one of the melons at them.  It breaks a window. For her sake, I'm glad she didn't hit one of them, but FFS she needs therapy.

She's mad cause she's jealous of Richard and the Bimbos.  But honey, sweetie, Sam, jealousy is not love and she knows this.

"Evidently, people who borrow glass houses shouldn't throw cantaloupes." Narrator Carrie sums that whole bit up for us nicely.

--

In the next scene, Miranda has come home and it is incredibly hot.  No, literally, it's sweaty and warm and there's a fan or three going.  god damn, going through summer without central air?  no thank you.

Steve is there. He was taking care of Brady and they were napping.  He tells Miranda how much he enjoys tending to his son, and it's a lovely moment.  Miranda rests on the bed and listens.  She looks over at some flowers that apparently Steve brought from a garden in Queens. Lilacs. The way he looks at her is wonderful.

She leans over to him on the bed and starts kissing him.

"Miranda wasn't sure if it was the smell of the lilacs, the smell of the baby or the smell of Steve's skin, but that afternoon Steve went from ex to sex."

god, that line started out so strong, but that last bit.  eeek.  so cheesey.

Miranda is immediately regretful, not of the line, she wasn't privy to the narration, to the ex fucking.

She complains to Carrie on their way to the Hamptons.  They've stopped a roadside outdoor restaurant.  Miranda's now participating in this wedding charade.

"Perhaps it was the zsa zsa zsu!" Carrie chimes in, unhelpfully. (I say this because it's difficult to type so many Zs)

"No, it was an itch which we shouldn't have scratched because now we're in a gray area. Not having sex was the only thing holding us together." Miranda complains. "You can't have a kid with someone and get along and have great sex without giving the wrong impression."

fuck, she's exhausting. XD

"That being what, that you're happy?" Carrie needles Miranda.

Miranda looks at her like she's a vile betrayer.  But I say she needs to be pushed.

Steve is top tier boyfriends on this show, someone needs to end up with him.

Sam was in the background on the phone still setting things up for the party. She tells Miranda that her baby is not invited to the party.

And Miranda is rightfully upset, cause they're going to vacation town, there's no sitters there.  Sam insists that the baby is also ruining her lunch.

This tiny child has not made one peep in the 2 minutes we've been in this scene.

Carrie goes to get more ketchup.  She's distracted when a motorcycle pulls up.  Motorcyclist takes his helmet off, and she's so distracted by the sight that she gets ketchup all over her hand.

It's Our old pal, Burger. He recognizes her immediately and jokes about making a tourniquet out of a hot dog bun.

Classic.

The whole scene here is bad though.  It's bad.

Carrie is awkwardly dealing with the ketchup mess, she's got it all over her lip and her hand.  He's helping and announcing in a weird way that he bought the bike as a reaction to his break up.  I guess it gets the information out there that he's single, but it's still awkward.

She's thrilled about the 'single' news.

"You look good on [the motorcycle]"  she tries to flirt.

"No, I look good next to it.  On it, I look like this." Then he makes a funny face. 😬 <-- like this.

"So you're uneasy rider." She jokes.  He starts to laugh and then grimaces.  It's not great.

But whatever. She's interested.  They go hang out together at Samantha's pool party the next day.

...and she immediately frightens him away.  She goes on and on about her recent break up with Aiden and it's.. it's ugly.  and he can't get out of there fast enough. Good guy. She is not ready.  He's not ready either, his talk about his break up was also fraught.

--

At the pool party, before all that (I'm kinda jumping around here, sorry), Bitsy says to Carrie in front of her future husband and Stanford "Woman to woman, the sex is *amazing*!"  Like, that's not woman to woman, but whatever.

Nathan Lane starts kissing her cause he's flattered.  Marcus, Stanford's boyfriend comes up behind them and Nathan Lane comments on Marcus' amazing body in his swimsuit:

"Well, who ordered the Adonis?"

Stanford introduces them.

"Look at that body, it's disgusting," Nathan Lane goes on, "Wow, I could grate cheese on your abs."

As he's miming grating cheese on his abs, Marcus is looking over at Stanford like he can't tell if he wants to start laughing or crying.

"One large pizza, hold the salami! Please, put a shirt on before I marry you."  Nathan Lane makes the second best line of the episode.  Honestly, everything he says in this episode is hilarious.

Nathan Lane and Bitsy Von Muffling leave the scene, Nathan Lane grabbing her ass on the way.  clearly a move by a gay guy.

Stanford, Carrie and Marcus continue talking about Nathan Lane and his queerness for a few minutes.  Stanford is pissed that Nathan Lane was touching Marcus.  Carrie still can't understand why Bitsy would stoop to ending up with a gay guy.

"Maybe he just makes her laugh." Marcus says.  They always say that in this show.  You gotta end up with someone who makes you laugh.  Like sure, it's one sign of compatibility, shared humors. But whatever, I'm going on.

--

Miranda and Carrie hang out at Marcus and Standford's Hampton house the next day. (or maybe they're staying with them.  I hope they asked first).  The gay couple is watching Brady while the ladies gush about all the food and the nice things at the table.

"How about we marry gay guys?" Miranda says.  I roll my eyes.

Carrie laments Burger's quick escape. "I was emotionally slutty." She claims she couldn't help unloading onto him because the.. uh, you know, the too many Zs thing.

"Maybe we should stop looking for a great relationship and settle for a fine one."  This was supposed to be a play on Nathan Lane's character's name, but that's a lame joke.  I mean, she's right to an extent.  Burger is not a great love though.  Jesus.  Bottom of the barrel.

Miranda claims she'd marry Steve if he were gay. "ugh, everything would be so easy."

What makes her think Steve would want to marry her if he were?  This is so entitled, man.  At least in Carrie's case, Stanford did offer to marry her back in the day-- you know, to get all the money.

Hey, you think that he got his inheritance from his grandmother when he married Anthony?  or do you think his grandmother died well knowing Stanford was gay and therefore undeserving of an inheritance?

That's some dark shit.

"You did it Stanny" Carrie tells her friend as he walks up to the breakfast table, "We've all been looking and you actually found it!"

"Marcus and I haven't had sex since we bought the Cynthia Rowley China." Stanford is sad.

womp womp.

"Thank god, I am so relieved." Carrie says.  WHAT THE FUCK?  Is she really only happy when she's surrounded by people as miserable as her?

Would she faint to learn that my spouse and I are happily married 15 years. That we still have sex, and we have a nice house and things are great?

No, she'd just make a dry joke about how boring our lives must be in the suburbs and how pathetic we are or something like that.

I hate these people.

--

At the wedding this whole thing has been leading to, Nathan Lane is saying his vows.  They are sweet, heartfelt and lovely.

"...You walked in wearing that red vintage Dior..."

And Miranda whispers to Carrie "pink elephant in the room." and she's not the only one mocking the couple. They all do.  It's gross.

I never noticed this, but Carrie's hair grows about 4 inches throughout this episode.  It starts out just below her ears, straightened, and now they're at the wedding and it's to her shoulders.  I know her belly is a lot bigger too, cause I watched the commentary for this episode once and Sarah Jessica Parker is 7 months pregnant in the final scene.  Pat Field had a hell of a time finding a costume for the wedding for her since they didn't want a steadfastly single Carrie looking that pregnant standing on the dance floor without a distracting prop.  Pat Field actually made the dress she's wearing and it really does hide her belly.  I think I was watching this episode with commentary before I realized that SJP was pregnant through the season and that's when I noticed the props and the outfits covering the belly.

I really don't look at people's bodies much or notice things like that. :shrugs:

Bitsy continues with her vows to Nathan Lane.  They, too, are sweet and lovely, and the peanut gallery is making joke after joke about how she's marrying a gay guy.

oh, but finally they're silenced.  Cause she's sincere and fuck you.

"Perhaps we were all too cynical" Narrator Carrie says the obvious, "Perhaps despite the odds, Bobby and Bitsy had found something real."

No shit.

Now we're at the reception.  There's a live band and they're playing "Fly me to the Moon." it's wonderful.

Harry has been embarrassing the shit out of Charlotte all weekend.  It really is starting to get old.  I suppose at one point it was cute, watching Charlotte get bothered by all the little things that Harry does to annoy her.  But now I'm just like, life is way too short.  Do the thing, screw what other people think about your guy.  If you're happy with him and he makes you happy, then tell everyone to suck an egg or something.

Right now he's dancing and beckoning Charlotte to join him.  She's sitting with her friends who have barely shared one scene with him, but they're tired of her nonsense too.  They say that he seems really really nice and he actually might be real and make her happy. She should definitely dance.

"There's nothing on my face, nothing in my teeth. I'm sure you'll hate my moves on the dance floor, but that is the risk that every man must take."

She does the thing.  Thank Goodness.  While dancing she reveals to Harry that despite everything wrong with him she might be falling in love with him.  He says that he's been doing that since the moment they met.  dawww.

 But.  He reveals their big relationship block.  He's Jewish.  He needs to marry a Jewish woman.

"What can we do?" He says.

"I dunno, dance." Charlotte replies.  They'll figure it out next season. That's a problem for future them.

--

Carrie goes to get another piece of cake and Miranda is left with her 'boyfriend,' Brady.  She picks up the sprig of lilac from the centerpiece and inhales deeply.

"Should we call Daddy and tell him we miss him?" she has been replaced by a pod.  or maybe it's supposed to be the ... you know, the Z thing.

Steve doesn't answer the phone, and Miranda is pulled out of it by the reality of potentially leaving a message on Steve's machine.  She puts the lilac back on the table and little Brady immediately picks it up.

SYMBOLISM.

Nathan Lane has one last thing to say to Carrie the cynic.

"I remember when we went to these things for the free food." He says. (this was not the last thing, but I had to include it.)

"I have dinner rolls in my purse."

"There's my song," Nathan Lane says as 'Is That All There Is' starts playing in the background, "and there's my girl. Whom I love. In case you had any money riding on it."  He knows what they've been saying and he's insulted, but is there for love.

"Not a penny." Carrie lies.

--

Burger for some inexplicable reason is there.  He asks Carrie to dance and she also obliges.

She keeps her mouth shut, and he comments on it.  He reveals that he's got his own issues and "wasn't sure if I was up for all that again... Then I thought Maybe we should go on a date before we break up."

--

The last scene seeing everyone dancing: Nathan Lane with Bitsy Von Muffling, Marcus laughing with Stanford, Carrie with Burger, Harry with Charlotte, and Miranda and Brady with Sam. It's so nice.

And Narrator Carrie says that maybe we shouldn't be judgemental.  Because you can never really know what it's like in other people's relationships.

THANK YOU.

"Some people are settling down. Some people are settling. And some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies."

aww.  That's nice.

That was the end of season 5.  We did it!

I hope it won't take a month for me to get back to start season 6.. but it is what it is.  I'm like a wizard here.  I'm not late, I do this precisely when I mean to.

Season 5 Episode 7 The Big Journey

 Ah! The episode we've all been waiting for.  The beginning of Big's big redemption arc.  The show *had* to do this before the end of season 6 (spoilers) or else the entire audience would have hated the ending.  

As far as I can tell, the shit Big pulled is irredeemable, but as Kermit said, That's none of my business:

Carrie has forgotten that she's been on several flights in the show, namely to L.A. and back in the 3rd season, and is insisting that it's normal to take a trans-continental train ride to get to the opposite coast.

I'm getting ahead of myself.  The foursome are at a very fancy restaurant eating seafood.  Carrie tells everyone that she has to go to California for her very smol book tour.

It entirely consists of three book signings in San Francisco.

"Apparently I'm very big in San Francisco" she says.

The other three are suspicious, "You mean Big is in San Francisco." Miranda points out.

No, Big is in Napa, which in California terms is relatively close to SF (50 miles north), but in NYC terms it might as well be in another state.

Anyway.

Carrie complains about not having gotten any in awhile, and everyone including the audience is side-eyeing the hell out of what she just said.

"If all you want is sex, you don't have to go across the country just go across the restaurant.  Those guys have been checking us out since they sat down." Miranda points them out and they (not even remotely subtly) all lean in unison to look at the cute men in suits.

"boring. boring and boring." Sam poo poos the men.

Sam is feeling like her life in New York is the same as its ever been. "They should call it 'same york.'"

"Sounds like you are experiencing a 'been there, done them' existential crisis." Carrie jokes.

Miranda and Charlotte (almost divorced) are on the side of "life's still very exciting here, thank you very much!" And it's ironic cause you'd think it would be Miranda and Carrie together not Sam.

Carrie laments that she doesn't want a bachelor from across the room to go out with, she just wants them to lay on top of her.  Honey, you could just ask them.  I'm sure they'd oblige.

Miranda wishes women could go to male prostitutes, and Sam points out that they do.

They throw around the idea of a brothel for women, a sisthel?

Charlotte says that that idea is stupid because women don't have sex like that "it's not an animal urge, we need to feel things."

Sam and Carrie look at her like she's nuts, cause since the first episode of the show Sam has proven that women do indeed fuck like men.  But anyway, I'm carrying on.

Carrie says she doesn't like flying cause she doesn't like it when the National Guard goes through her make-up case,  and you know, I just realized that the security theater had ramped up a LOT after 9/11 and this is actually very timely.

She invites Sam on her little cross-country trek and it is to all of our delights that she goes along with it.

--

On the train platform, Sam asks if Carrie has told Big that she's coming and she hasn't.

WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE.

Carrie has a plane ticket to see Big whenever she wants.  Did she forget?  Did she use it already?

"It's not the destination, it's the journey!" Carrie tries to wax optimistic about the next three days on the train.  She also points out that they have a four star fancee AF hotel room waiting for them on the other coast.

Sam talks about how exciting it might be to take a train, "You never know who's going to be getting on and getting me off."

It's not even very long into their train ride that Sam has started to regret joining Carrie and it gets so much worse.  For one, the deluxe sleeper is teensy:

"We have to shower over the toilet?" Carrie asks the conductor. She's also starting to regret this horrible idea.

She's got her own personal bathroom on a train and she's complaining.  psychotic.

For two, there are increasingly fewer and fewer hot guys on this train.  They sit next to some actual Amish people in the food car.  "This is the train to ugly." Sam laments.

Carrie is developing a pimple that with the proper application of zit cream would probably reduce in the 3 days it's going to take them to get to California, but she can't help but play with it.  It's its own character. The food car offers potato chips as appetizers and Carrie tells Sam not to say 'potato chips' cause the pimple she's growing is about to grow limbs it's so large.

Later on, Sam discovers there's a bachelor party happening somewhere on the train.  But alas, it's all married men and they aren't interested in what Sam's offering.  They're taking the train to see the footballs and none of them want to get in trouble with their wives.  Good men.  See, Carrie?  There's good men in the world.  You just have to go to the Midwest or something. XD

The train does not have a shortage of champagne, and since the failed bachelor party, Sam has found it.  She's coping with this adventure well.  She realizes that she's having a midlife thing.  She'll be over it by the next episode, naturally.

--

Back in New York, meanwhile, Charlotte was about to go for a run when someone knocked on her door.  It's Harry! Her divorce lawyer.  He's here with the official divorce papers.

Charlotte is showing some fantastic face ingredients here.  She's disgusted by the sweaty man.

"So this is the pagoda we've been fighting over.  I'm not surprised you didn't want to give it up."

"Actually, I'm thinking about selling."

"After what we went through to get it?"

"It's too big for one person... I'm just putting it out there if you know of any great apartments."

Harry says that he does know someone who is selling, and he hooks her up with a first look.

Charlotte signs her divorce papers under the watchful -sweaty- face of Harry.  It's so awkward. He actually drips sweat on one of her signatures.  boy.

"That's it. You're no longer 'Mrs. Trey MacDougal." Harry says.

"hmm." Charlotte is pensive. "how do you like that?" she says out loud.

"I like it." Harry has a massive clod of tissue paper on his forehead and he is not looking particularly good to Charlotte.

"I'm a fucking mess today."

"mmm." Charlotte does *not* approve.

Later on, at the first showing of the apartment for sale, he actually goes along with her, which is a bit weird now that I think about it, but it's a great set up.

The apartment is a bachelor pad turned up to eleven.  It's got remote controlled blinds and there's music and there's a zebra skin rug and it's all coordinated and very manly and sexy.  It reminds me of Barney's place on How I Met Your Mother.

Charlotte says "Ewww!" when Harry shows off these features.  He apparently sublet it when he was going through his divorce, so he knows his way around the place.

"I can't believe men think it takes all this to get a woman into bed." Charlotte says.

"What does it take?" Harry asks, mildly aggressively, but it's hot.

"Charlotte.  I think you are the sexiest woman I ever met."

She's confused.  She's wearing her glasses today.

"It makes me crazy when you say my name!"

"Well then I'm definitely going to stop saying it!"

"What a putz your ex-husband must be." Harry says and I shout AMEN.

"Trey was not a putz!"

"He was a putz!  If I was lucky enough to have you in my bed I wouldn't be able to take my hands off you."  GOD DAMN.  YOU SAID IT MAN.

"Stop Harry." she says, but she's definitely intrigued.  (she said his name again)

"Ever since the first moment I saw you, I can't think about anything else... I fantasize about your lips. Your perfect, pink lips."

Charlotte throws her bag behind her and starts kissing him and lays him on the bed and they.. uh, have a good time.

Charlotte meets up with Anthony to discuss this turn of events.  She doesn't like Harry like that, but the sex was good.  Anthony is encouraging, he totally gets it.  He says that she needs boundaries, and also that she needs to be clear with Harry that those are the rules.  Ok, so the way Anthony says it sounds rude, but honestly?  That's how FWB should go-- you wanna just fuck?  great.  No romance.  Be clear about that up front.

Later on, Charlotte and Harry are together again and Charlotte takes Anthony's advice.  For once, it doesn't blow up in her face.  Harry is absolutely cool with just being her dial a dick.  Oh hey!  It took this long, but she finally has one!  Go Charlotte!

--

At San Francisco, Carrie meets Molly Shannon, her publicist, at the book signing.  But everything is not great: "They're not all here for you. Mr Winkle's here."

"Who's Mr Winkle?"

It's a dog.

"You're opening for a dog?" Samantha says.

Carrie tells Sam to go back to the hotel and get in the big tub and relax.  She hasn't told Big that she's coming and this whole trip was a fucking disaster.  Sam leaves and is grateful that Carrie's so thoughtful.

Well, for now.

The reading happens and during the question part someone raises their hand.

"When's Mr Winkle coming out?"

D:

Another person raises their hand, but Carrie can't see who it is.  "Could you shift?" the audience does and it's Big.

"This Mr Big character," he says, "does he have a real name?"  smooth AF, Mr. Big.

"Yes, but I can't reveal it.  I have to protect his privacy."

In, oh, less time than it takes for me to type this, and certainly less time than Sam needs to actually enjoy her luxurious and well-deserved bubble bath, Carrie has taken Big back to her hotel room and is DEMANDING for Sam to vacate.

And the extra special bullshit on top of this bullshit sundae is that Carrie got a smaller room for Sam.  CARRIE COULD HAVE BEEN WITH BIG IN THE SMALLER ROOM, but SHE KICKED HER FRIEND OUT OF THE TUB.

FUCKING BITCH.

Well, jokes on her.  Big is NOT as horny as Carrie.

At dinner, he insists on talking about the book.  He hadn't realized how much of a selfish prick he'd been when they were together.  And laid out like that, "page after page" was a wake-up call to him.

"I really got how much I hurt you."

"Come on. It's fiction. I embellished!" Carrie is desperate for dick.

Big iterates that a lot of it really happened, word for word.

"That's all in the past.  Let's talk about something else!" She pushes the conversation into sexy territory and wraps her feet around his calves.  She asks about the wine business.

"It's great." He says, suavely and then shifts, "that bit about my apartment key, was I really that big of an asshole?"

Carrie's feet fall back to the floor.

They are back in the hotel room and Big is still talking about the book.

"Suddenly it became clear to me: This was not my best-laid plan." Narrator Carrie puns.

Big is reading a segment comparing himself to the city and how cold it is.

"When have I ever been cold? Am I cold?"

YES

"No. You're hot." Carrie is *still* trying to get laid here.  It's not working.

"Can we please stop talking?"  She leans in to kiss him.

"I just don't want you to get hurt again."

"I won't.  It's just sex!"

"According to this book, it is not just sex."  He's totally right, here.  But it's hilarious, anyway.

Carrie then goes so far as to take all the credit for their relationship imploding, "You were unavailable and Very Clear about that."  fucking hell, Carrie.  "Now please, kiss me.  Or at least, lie on top of me."

 Here is a bachelor who *won't* oblige.

"Carrie," he replies calmly, "I think it's very clear from this book that when it comes to me you do not have good judgement."

"That's fiction!" She lies again, "and it's not even a best seller!"

She even blames the pimple.

"I just don't want to do something here that I'll be sorry for later."  fuck.  Big is saying all the right things years and years and YEARS too late.

"I'm fine!" Carrie insists, "Don't I look fine?"

He nods down at her on the bed, and she takes the cue to start taking his clothes off, but he cuts her off *again.* "Let's just talk a little more.  Now, page 39..."

---

In the morning, Carrie turns to Big in bed and see's that he's fallen asleep with her book on top of his face. XD

"Thanks to my book," Narrator Carrie says, "nothing was ever going to happen with Big."

"Hey." Big says sleepily as Carrie is getting off the bed, "Where are you going?"

She has a few book readings before heading back to New York.

"Not so fast." He smoothly replies. "Come here." Big pulls Carrie toward him.

"Now?" she's suspicious. "What about last night? All that talk, all those concerns?"

"Fuck it. You'll need material for the sequel." He makes the best joke in the episode.

At the end of the book readings, Sam meets up with Carrie and verifies that she gave up the big room for a good cause, and is relieved that Carrie got some.  Finally she can shut up about it.

She also has news that they aren't taking the train back: "American Airlines first class, and some valium." and Carrie is relieved.

"I cannot wait to get to New York," Sam says.

"What about the mid-life crisis ?" Carrie asks.

"Honey, who's mid-life?"

"And sometimes it's not the journey, it's the destination." Narrator Carrie ends this episode with a very astute quote.

That's it for that episode.  I'm hoping to be back in a few weeks for the finale!

Season 5 Episode 6 Critical Condition

I always think that Carrie cannot get more self absorbed and then she goes and does something so beyond what she's done before that I'm flummoxed.  Case in point, this episode.

Carrie's book has been reviewed!  And despite it being a very well-rounded, rave review, she's completely stuck on the last sentence ("a world where men are disposable") and cannot get the fuck over herself.

1- Carrie you said yourself in an early season that men are disposable.

2- Get a goddamn hobby, woman. And stop obsessing over shit you can't change.  It's exhausting.

3- Your friends' lives are much more interesting than yours, so the rest of this snark will be dedicated to them.

And yes, I know it's my choice to subject myself to this nonsense and it is, indeed stuff I can't change.  Shall we Carrie on?

OH SHIT. This is the episode with the face girl.  Fuck, I forgot.

Carrie. you ruined Aiden's fucking life with your shit,  You deserve more than a "face girl" to haunt you.

There, now let's move on with the episode.

---

Miranda is finally starting to look realistic, shall we say.  She can't get any sleep, she can't get any showering, she can't get her hair done.  The reality of having a colicky baby is catching up to her.

Charlotte and Carrie are supportive.

 "This thirteen pound meatloaf is pushing me over the edge.  I feel disgusting.  All my clothes smell like barf.  I don't have time to shower, much less get a haircut."

Sam, as expected, is completely unsympathetic.  Sam is unintentionally bragging about her own hair cut and color.  oop.

I mean, on one hand I totally get Sam's lack of sympathy-- Miranda chose to do this to herself, and it's not up to Sam to pick up Miranda's life for her and help her out.  But ya know, they are friends and it starts to be rude when you flaunt your amazing single -do what you want- life in front of people who don't have that ability for one reason or another.

Charlotte wants to go with Miranda to help-- but mostly to ask some questions about the divorce stuff.

Miranda is happy to help, she asks who Charlotte got as her lawyer.  Miranda says that he's tough.

"But is he tough enough to beat Bunny to a pulp?"  Charlotte asks, uncharacteristically.. you know what though, Charlotte is so very feisty, I daresay this is her personality. XD

Charlotte meets with her lawyer in the next scene.  He's dangerously sexy and Charlotte can't be as mean as she wants to be in front of him.

But enter stage right, a slightly pudgy bald man enters loudly. He's the other lawyer at this firm.  He's shouting about bagels "who the hell ordered blueberry bagels?" and Charlotte is smitten.  Ok, she's not.  And that's the point. She decides to switch to the other lawyer.

Two things.  I LOVE blueberry bagels.  fucking delicious.  And the second thing, it's HARRY!  The best guy on the show.

In Sam's story line.. she's got real problems.

She decides to indulge herself in a wonderful night in with her vibrator.  Nice.  Only, it's stopped!  It makes a sad little sound before it completely died. well, shoot.

And for some reason she returns it.  Just... no.  you don't return vibrators, regardless of their warranty.  That's just unhygienic. 

At the Sharper Image much later on in the episode, there's a whole display of vibrators and the guy working there keeps calling them neck massagers.

It's actually a funny scene, cause  Sam knows what's what and the ladies around the -neck massager- display defer to her and her infinite wisdom.

"I think that one -is- a neck massager" one of them says.

"Not if you mount it." Sam replies.

And I think I recognize some of these women from earlier seasons-- I think some of them were interviewees.  I used to adore that segment.  Sometimes it was awkward, but mostly they were funny.

--

Meanwhile, Miranda's in hell.  Not the self help aisle, or even a party full of couples.  She's at home and her little bundle is not so joyful.  It's 3 am the child won't shut the fuck up.  There's the doorbell chime and Miranda goes to see who it is.

It's her neighbor. "4-D"

"It's 2:30am. You gotta stop that baby from crying."

"I said I was sorry, but I have a baby and sometimes babies make noise. That's what they do."

"I know that.  I have a baby, too. And if you ever bothered to say hello in the elevator, you'd know that."

OUCH.  Now THIS is a face girl. XD

Miranda is on the phone with Carrie the next morning.  I'm going to pretend that Carrie is distracting Miranda from her real problems with Carrie's fake ones.

"Can I wear a baseball cap to work?" Miranda asks Carrie.

"With what shoes?"

"Oh my god," Carrie has a moment of self-awareness, "I'm going on about [NYT book reviewer] when you have real problems."

Carrie then asks to obsess for another minute.  And it's a minute too far for Miranda.  She's fallen asleep at her bathroom vanity.  Poor Miranda.  Fuck. And Carrie IS STILL GOING ON ABOUT HER NONSENSE.

"Do you think that Aiden thinks that I think he was disposable?"

NO, CARRIE.  You pretended you liked this man, led him on for TWO YEARS.  You accepted his engagement ring, you had him BUY YOUR APARTMENT and the one next door, THEN YOU WAITED UNTIL HE HAD MADE A GD HOLE IN THE WALL BEFORE YOU TOLD HIM YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY WANT TO MARRY HIM AND DIDN'T WANT TO ACCEPT HIS LIFE INTO YOURS.

 

HEY! now I'M the face girl.

Miranda has had it almost as far as I have with this bullshit.  She tells Carrie to go call her friend Samantha, cause Miranda doesn't have time for it.  She's exhausted and Sam is out there flaunting all that sleep she gets.  What a bitch.

"If she could maybe just once acknowledge the fact that I've had a baby.  It's not enough I've alienated my neighbor. Now I'm alienating my friends." Miranda whines justifiably.

"You're not alienating anyone."  Carrie lies.

"Tell that to 4-D.  She's pissed off I don't know her name.  Do you know your neighbor's names?"

"Please."

"I'm a bad neighbor and a bad mother."  oh Miranda.  fuck.  Did it get dusty in here?  I just want to wrap her up in a big hug.  It's so hard being a new mom-- let alone one without support.

Carrie actually offers to help, Miranda lies and says that just offering helps.  

"Why do we believe our worst reviews?" Writer Carrie Asks.

I dunno, Carrie.  I wrote a whole thing making this about -me- but I do wonder if I'm the weird one.  I don't surround myself with people who would judge me and say shitty things about me to my face.  Ok, there was one.  Once.

But I cut that person out of my life and let it go.

That's why I am bringing it up now, cause I've let it go.

Sometimes I think friend break ups are harder than couple break ups.  I'm not sure though.

Anyway.

Miranda is facing a jury of her peers.  She's come out of the elevator with her screaming child.  She's facing, oh, 7 of her neighbors who are also mothers with their assorted strollers.  None of them have the greasy haired look of a new mom.  Now, to be fair, Miranda -could- have showered instead of listening to Carrie carry on about her stupid problems.

The moms there are just watching her struggle with her stroller, completely untouched by it.  I doubt all of them can hear Brady carry on at night, but it looks like 4-D has caught them all up on the hot goss.

In a move of pure kindness, 4-D comes to Miranda's rescue.  She brings her the Chair.  It's a vibrating bouncy sort of thing, and as soon as Brady is put into the thing and it's turned on, he finally shuts the fuck up.

4-D, uh, Kendall, tells Miranda that she's not a bad mother, "You just didn't have the chair."  And it's so fucking true-- Miranda doesn't have that support network yet, and it's really hard when you've never been a mom or around children to know what's what.  I mean, even at her own baby shower she didn't know what a breast pump was.

Carrie, meanwhile, has told Sam what a heinous bitch she's been toward Miranda.  Sam is touched and decides to give her cut and color appointment to Miranda.  Brilliant.

"I can't believe it!" Miranda screams as she's leaving for the appointment.

"Well, neither can I, but here I am, Mary Fucking Poppins."

"The numbers are on the fridge... don't take him out of the chair, it's the only thing that keeps him quiet.  And don't call boys." Miranda jokes, but honestly, smart. XD

 Sam, alone with the 13 pound meatloaf, looks down imperiously at Brady in the chair and says "you don't look so bad."

JUST AS THE CHAIR BREAKS.  GOLD.

The face ingredients Sam is giving off are wonderful as the screams begin.

Carrie's at home browsing TV channels when she sees the face girl's name (talent executive for SNL) and starts spinning all over the place.  She's nuts.

She calls Sam to speculate about whether the face girl is spreading her nonsense all over SNL and I'm just tired. This is so stupid.  What difference does it make?

For one, what are the odds that she'll meet and befriend talent from SNL? For two, SHE WROTE THAT SHIT IN HER BOOK ANYWAY.  Or she will in the consecutive books, I think book one was all about Big, as we find out in the next episode.

She picks the absolute worst time to call Sam either way. She's knee deep in screaming baby and is having none of Carrie's bullshit.

"You can't be serious." Sam says.

 "Don't get me wrong. I don't flatter myself that Gwyneth Paltrow or Ian McKellen would be interested in my love life." Then she pauses cause she can hear Brady screaming, "Are you at a zoo?"

"No.  Thanks to you, I'm at Miranda's and Brady won't stop screaming and I don't know what to do."  SUPPORTIVE FRIEND IS SUPPORTIVE.  FUCK.  SHE'S THE BEST CHARACTER ON THE SHOW.

"That was nice."

"Yes, and now I'm being punished." alas, poor Sam.  No good deed goes unpunished, as they say.

Carrie speculates what could be wrong with the child.

"His problem is he's an asshole."  Best line in the episode.  It's true.  Sometimes babies are assholes.

"Maybe you should call Miranda." 

"I will not. It took me months to get that appointment, someone should benefit."  FUCKIN' A.  SHE'S THE BEST CHARACTER ON THE SHOW.

"I have to find someway to keep this baby quiet. Goodbye." Sam says.

"No wait, what about Nina?"  Carrie cannot be fucking serious right now.

"Maybe Charlotte has the time to talk about this kind of stuff; I have a screaming baby on my hands."

Bravo!

When Miranda comes home, the baby is quiet.  "Well, that's better!" Sam says to a fresh-haired Miranda.

"Is everything OK?" She asks.

"Absolutely! The chair thing broke, but you know, shit happens."

"The chair broke!"Miranda is gobsmacked.

Sam has placed the new -neck massager- next to Brady and switched it on.  Improvisation!  Rule number 1 for motherhood (you know, after don't break the baby)!

"That thing better be brand new." Miranda cautions.

--

At Charlotte's end, she's in mediation going against Bunny.

Harry is fighting real good for her, but it's her word against a very fat stack of pre-nups and other paper works.

Also Bunny herself is tearing into Charlotte and it isn't pretty at all.  Poor Charlotte.

"Charlotte couldn't fight anymore.  It seemed to her she'd been fighting for this marriage forever." Narrator Carrie helps.

Finally, at the last hour, they receive a telegram from Scotland, from Trey who has kindly reviewed Charlotte and given her the apartment ("everything she wants") and Bunny insists "Just the apartment." but that's good enough for her.

A whole apartment, an ex-MIL who has nothing more to say to her, and a lovely review from an ex.

Charlotte does walk up to Bunny as she's leaving and apologizes for things not working better, but Bunny has none of it and rudely leaves.

"Charlotte realizes there was no such thing as a fairy-tale divorce either." oh, what a lovely arc she had.

"Ding dong the witch is dead." Harry jokes to Charlotte.

---

Carrie goes so far as to reach out to Steve to mollify herself about the face girl.

Steve is sitting there with his basketball thinking that it's about Miranda and their baby but no,

"How does Aiden feel about me?"

"Ah jeez, no, you're not going to try to get back together with him are you?"

"No, but that pretty much answers any questions I had about how you feel."

Steve sort of lays into her and tells her how horrible the break up was for Aiden.  He couldn't get out of bed for a month.  "I brought him chicken wings."

"A MONTH!"

"He was devastated!  He lost his ability to open up and trust women."

Carrie mocks Steve for saying that, but what the fuck did you expect, Carrie after what you did.  I won't go into it again.  Let's move on.

--

Carrie ends up GOING OUT IN PUBLIC TO TRY TO RUN INTO THE FACE GIRL.

It's so fucking pathetic.  This is Natasha all over again.  The only person you need to rationalize yourself to is yourself.

Even Stanford, who has gone with her, is like "Why? You know what you and Aiden had."

And EVEN STANFORD HAS HAD ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE.  He asks how Carrie feels about Marcus, his boyfriend, and Carrie can barely interrupt her train of nonsense thoughts to say "nice" and Stanford just lays into her about it, too.

"OK, stop.  I am done. I've listened to you talk about Aiden for what ten blocks, and two years? And I've been a wonderful audience. And I ask you about Marcus and all I get is "nice?"

Carrie apologizes and they make up.  She says that she's happy that Marcus makes him happy. Good stuff.

But there, interrupting the rave review, face girl is there with Heather Graham.  Heather Graham has crazy eyes, I love her.

Heather Graham gives Carrie the face.  It's spreading. XD  Stanford invites Heather Graham to go get a pretzel together to give Carrie some alone time with the face girl.

And uh... Carrie goes on and on to the face girl about Aiden and break ups and it's fucking weird and pathetic and awful.

oh, but Narrator Carrie realizes at the final hour that it's not the face girl she's worried about, it's herself.

Yeah fucking right, it's the face girl.